DH broke lockdown but is making me feel guilty

[Anonandonandonandon]

DH agreed, in spite of my protests, to meet a few local friends last week, in the park our houses backs on to. They kept 2m apart, but there were 4 of them. They are mutual friends, but I declined to go.

He wanted to do this again today, but I’ve told him I think he is being selfish. He says the risk is minimal, and I probably agree, but I’ve made clear that it’s not legal, that the rules are in place for a reason and he is not above the law.

He’s agreed not to go, but he’s told the friends it’s because of me, which I think is unfair.

I’d arranged to meet 1 friend in the same park later, but DH has asked me to go somewhere else (which would involve a drive for both my friend and me), so that these other friends don’t see and feel slighted.

He thinks IABU, but I think he is. I don’t want to upset any of my friends and I’m now not sure what to do.

This is completely nuts.

Use your common sense.

Oh, get a bloody grip. Go and see your friend and leave your husband alone.

I think you are being a bit ott. If they’re all 2m away then really what harm is there? Technically it’s against the rules but we all know the rules don’t make logical sense.

Wh is it unfair to tell his friends it's because of you? It totally is.

Also, yes, this is nuts, use your common sense.

Agree with @hauntedgoatfart whilst I am against breaking the rules, I think the logic where I can sit next to a family of complete strangers to me, 2m apart, but i cant take my daughter to see her friend and mum but stay 2m away is absolutely bonkers.

Let hubby go and you see your friend.

I thought you were going to say that he wasn't distancing or round someone's house...

My mouth actually dropped.open there. You are doing exactly the same thing! Grow up.

You are doing exactly the same thing!

Well, no. My scenario is legal (2 people) and his is not (more than 2 people).

I am a born rule follower, it’s true. My FB bubble would be up in arms at DH though, so it’s interesting to hear other perspectives.

Your DH isn't following the rules but it's not your job to police him. Unless he is doing something that significantly increases the risk of your family catching it (which let's face it, he isn't in this senario) then you need to butt out.

I think your DH's suggestion is fine, OP. The current rules have no consistency - you're following them blindly.

For example: I had to travel to Central London for a scan on Thursday - DH needed to come with me to drive me home after.

We parked about 10 mins walk from the hospital.
Walked through (surprisingly busy) streets, then spent 4 hours in the hospital, sitting in 3 different waiting areas in total.

All seats were well spaced, we were 2 gaps away at most times, but the lifts were not social distanced so we were with visitors and staff in the lift (who weren't wearing masks)..

All of what we did was within the rules.

Similarly, you, your DH and friends could all go and queue for 2 hours to get into Homebase or Tesco and have a drink & a chat in the queue.
You can drop your child off to mix with other children & adults at childcare and go to work if you're a key worker.

Yet we apparently can't go and sit 2 metres apart from friends In a park, nor have people sit 2 metres away in our garden.

I can see why your DH may think that blindly following contradictory rules is something intelligent people may have difficulty with.

I think you were right to ask him not to go. A friend asked if we could meet and then mentioned adding extra people. I don't think it would actually increase the risk but I think it's the mindset. If everyone just stretches the rules a little bit before we know it no one will be sticking to lockdown.

Also I'm amazed at how few people know how far 2 metres is, and that should be the absolute minimum. So many people near me are meeting up and standing less than a metre apart.

It's really tricky because the rules don't make total sense but at the moment not a lot does and we are all trying to navigate a fairly big unknown, my view is its best to stick to the rules and let things play out, hope for another easing of lockdown soon but be prepared for it to go on for longer just in case.

Dh and I would be horrified if either of us suggested doing what your DH is doing. We have spent the last 24 hours arguing about whether I can go and meet DDad in a park with EBF baby in tow. We can't get over the guilt of this scenario, but for multiple non-dependent adults, it's an absolute no.

You both sound quite dramatic. Are you usually like this? Or do you think he’s overreacting in a passive aggressive response to your overreaction?

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this he is a grown adult and entitled to make his own decisions. I would tell my DH I didn't agree with his decision but it's not my place to tell him what he can and can't do. I think you're in the wrong OP, sorry

Please also remember that many, many of the people actually setting the rules don't feel the need to abide by them.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I've got a good idea, why doesn't your friend meet 1 of his friends at the park and another friend meet another friend at the park. 2 separate pairs. Then they can bump into each other and socialise in pairs next to each other.

There’s no drama. Nobody has shouted and we haven’t fallen out. There’s no panic about risk either. Our DC are at school as we’re both key workers, so we’ve already accepted a higher level of risk anyway. The alternative was for one of us to stop working, and neither of us wanted that.

I don’t think there’s a lack of intelligence or understanding of the logic in the household. We just feel differently about what our moral obligations are in this very strange new world.

Goodness me, what a load of drama of nothing.

Go and meet your friend. Let your DH do what he wants. Unless either of you are shielding or vulnerable do you really think it matters all that much? After all, he could go out and see his four friends on four separate occasions and the exposure "risk" would be the same.

There is very little chance of viruses passing between people in a park from 2m distance. What he's doing is much less risky than (say) going on a train/bus and lots of people have to do that to go to work.

But we haven't been asked to assess personal risk! We've been asked to follow the rules.

But we haven't been asked to assess personal risk! We've been asked to follow the rules.

But OP's DH could go and meet his four friends individually and the exposure would be the same. What difference does it make, logically speaking?

None, it's just "following the rules" for the sake of it.

You are right OP that meeting more than one person is against the rules. I would feel the same as you. You haven’t told him he can’t go you have expressed your opinion and he has agreed not to go, fair enough. I think him saying he isn’t going because you don’t want him to is also fair enough as it is true. I don’t think you should have to drive to meet your 1 friend just to avoid seeing the friends who are flouting the rules. That’s bonkers.

There has to be some restrictions. Going to the shop or the hospital and coming into contact with people is necessary. Having a social gathering is not. Let’s increase the contact with strangers first and if that goes ok the rules will be lifted. It won’t be forever. I just wish people would have a bit of patience.

Let’s increase the contact with strangers first and if that goes ok the rules will be lifted.

But this makes no sense. Why is meeting strangers any less risky than meeting friends? It's not. It's just that meeting strangers and working is good for the economy and meeting your grandparents down the park is not.

But we haven't been asked to assess personal risk!

Maybe that’s the problem. Going to the supermarket with dozens of strangers is ok, because ‘the rules’ say so. Look at 3 friends in a park from 2 metres away is a no-no, because ‘the rules’ say so.

But we haven't been asked to assess personal risk! We've been asked to follow the rules.

Quite. This really comes down to whether or not people think it’s acceptable not to follow a rule they don’t agree with. In this case, where very few people (if any) are experts, I don’t.