Think I'm going to have to resign due to childcare but scared to make the decision

[DanceMonkey19]

I guess this is 'AIBU to quit my job?'

Long story short. Currently WFH (primary teacher, part time). Have 2 DC, one with SEN who doesn't attend school full time and a 2 yo who is autistic. Childcare for youngest was grandparents who are shielding. Nursery not appropriate for youngest as very delayed, clingy to me etc.

DH self employed and we rely on his income. We would cope if I quit. But I'm scared to quit. I'd be isolating myself (work was my escape). Loss of financial independence. Recession looming.

On the other hand, my DC2s difficulties are severe. I'm struggling to cope. Not having to physically go into work for the last few weeks has taken so much stress away. I feel I've been coping better. I cry at the thought of anyone other than family looking after him, he is so vulnerable.

I feel like the decision is made, I can't go back. I can't, not with no childcare. But I'm scared. Scared that I'll regret it.

YABU - find childcare - your DC2 will just have to cope

OR

YANBU - be with your child now while they are so young.

I'm somewhere between the two alternatives in your vote. I think you probably are right to resign, but you don't have to assume that the only alternative is being a SAHM. When lockdown is over - or even before - you could consider alternatives such as tuition, marking exams, working fewer hours, or branching out into something completely different; and you could get back into school teaching pretty easily at a later stage if you want to.

I think you need to do it for your stress and peace of mind. It sounds like your 're really needs you.

I don't think it's such a bad thing to take time out of teaching, it's one of those professions where it doesn't matter too much and you can return at a later date I would have thought, much like the NHS, we are always going to need teachers.

Go for it. You can go back. I'm a sahm for now. I did palliative care and pharmacy work before my kids. I just can't fit working in around my children. Fortunate enough that if we are sensible we can live of my partner's wage.

You will get used to it. I actually miss working sometimes. I feel all nostalgic about that part of life. But then I remember walking to work when I was really broody and being a little envious of pregnant people and toddlers being walked through the park. So the grass is always greener.

Do what's best for your family and that's the right choice.

Even with two DC with additional needs I would seek to avoid financial dependence on your H. Would seek the best possible childcare, education and support for your DC.

Your H’s self employment is already a big financial risk for the family. That may not be sustainable given your family’s circumstances.

In the event of divorce (rates are even higher than half for families with DC with additional needs) it could be easy for him to hide income.

Does your H’s enterprise have strong prospects of financial success?

It sounds like he thinks / feels that he should prioritise his paid work over his parenting responsibilities. And that you should do the opposite. You personally would be shouldering most of the risks of that setup.

Short-term, see if you can take a sabbatical.

Long-term, take your time to think about the best work-life balance for yourself. Even with specialist provision in place, you are still looking at wrap-around care with long days during the term as a full-time teacher.

• Do you want to continue in a school setting or could you see yourself working part-time/full time as a specialist subject teacher or tutor?
• Would an au-pair help you, or a nanny?
• Is there any specialist holiday provision (normally) that your DCs will benefit from?

Good luck, OP.

I stayed home with my three boys but had to go back part time with DD. I don't regret it. There were lots of other pluses to being at home and if both have additional needs maybe that is the best option for now. In the last twenty years I have seen lots of teaching staff do job shares of two full days/three full days and it works well for most.Why not have a year off and then see how things are? Then you can always start back on supply for a while. some of our staff came back to cover maternity leave for others and ended up back at our school.
Your kids are so precious and as long as you are prepared to cut back it is affordable. In a year or two things may be quite different and you could go back.
Good luck with your decision.

I really hope your DH is coming up with some solutions that involve changes to his life.

I have a DC with very complex needs (severe autism, severe learning diffs and a few other things). I also have a younger child. I am a lone parent. I would strongly advise against quitting - or if you do find something else asap (working weekend, nights etc). Ex didn't pull his weight, encouraged me to give up work and then dumped us. It was hell and financially a total nightmare.
I luckily found another job quickly. It is very very hard working with a child with severe SN (and I have no other family - it was and is all on me). I have so many families with children with SN seeing splitting up. much more common in our circles.

I would try to keep my job to be financially independent no matter what. You never know what is around the corner. DD went to nursery from 11 months old. It was not easy bit where there is a will, there is s way. I would not make myself vulnerable by becoming financially dependent esp with 2 DC.

As a teacher, could you quit your regular job and do tutoring instead?
This. OP, I have a child with SEN and this lockdown experience has been an eye opener with respect to how much more beneficial the home environment is for his learning, to the point where I am considering flexi schooling or even home schooling. A tutor with personal, hands on SEN experience would be the best candidate for us.

If OP “takes sabbatical” or quits for much less stable work, she is personally taking on big financial risk, short and long term.

Options involving change for her H should be explored too, eg he could seek employment for a large employer that’s good for flexible/PT working.

I don’t know if this is naive but would teaching not be a bit more recession-proof than many other jobs? Kids will always need school and you are fully trained. Could you not just take a few years out to get your DC2 more settled and possibly in a specialist school then go back to teaching afterwards?

Take a career break / unpaid leave.

The childcare situation will hopefully get better soon. There will be other opportunities for you beyond teaching full time. Wait and see how the situation pans out.

Nope, still dont see why it doesnt make sense for your dh to do some of the childcare. Other than the fact you've been conditioned to put your career and mental health second to everyone else.

I'd try to get as creative as possible in order to"keep your hand in."
And you said work was your escape, right?

PP wrote: you've been conditioned to put your career and mental health second to everyone else

^ This is something that's jumping out at me, too
I know the uncertainty is anxiety-producing, but I wouldn't make a hard and fast decision at the moment just to rid yourself of that feeling (i.e. "Ok, it's over. Can't change it now.")
Start by talking to your manager...

I'd be isolating myself (work was my escape)

Re DH and childcare. The business is a partnership, where the partner has fronted all of the costs and only DH is currently drawing a salary. We really think it would not be acceptable for him to say he is only available for part of the week.

but it is acceptable for you to give up your only escape? Is your well-being and mental health not important?

Sounds like your DH is only supportive as he doesn't want the new situation with the DC have any impact on him. Fuck that. find a way to keep your job. Your DH should step up if he is truly supportive of your needs.

your new life will be not less stressful - it will be a different kind of stressful (been there). throw in the total social isolation and it will be a recipe for a disaster.

@DanceMonkey19
Op I too was a teacher so fully get the expectations etc it brings, so I as well as having a child on the asd spectrum who at your child's age also had global developmental delay, speech issues (aka no speech) 31094-1 and significant hearing issues.
From that alone, I'd say that my lo was expected to need specialist schooling. However, I wasn't working and I put everything I could into improving the situation. We did every group, intervention that you could. Anything on offer we took. The asd hasn't gone away, but the outlook at 6 is entirely different. Mainstream school, yes there are definitely some "issues" but right now not insurmountable.

In your position, you obviously have a few options as pp have suggested :
*Parental leave
*Sabbatical
*Further reduce your days just enough to keep you in work so maybe a day and oh works a weekend day, caring for lo on your working day.
*potentially ask your employer if you could focus on supporting the shielding children who cannot return to school
*(not the moral high ground option) get signed off sick to buy yourself some time and come to a conclusion when things are more settled with how we're moving forward with covid.

In your shoes, I'd want to be home with my lo. In fact I purposely didn't return to work when my lo started school and it was the best decision I made. For both of us. I then had a career change for a role that I work from home, within school hours and only work my hours, extra hours and repaid via flexi, used to cover school holidays etc. Consequently I manage to not work for most of the school holidays. And when I do its the odd day with lo happily playing at home.

Good luck.

What I did do before agreeing to leave work was to ensure a pension that was equal to the one I was leaving. I am lucky I can do some paid work from home but realistically the only way I could work would be to put DS2 in a residential school. He is working his way through all the local respite providers as it is.

@DanceMonkey19 I sympathise - I did quit for my dc not coping in paid childcare but it’s very much a ‘good for them, bad for you’ thing. If I was a teacher, I’d be talking to my HT, unions etc about an unpaid LOA to keep my job open.

Yes, it’s less stressful to quit, yes it’s better not to have to juggle but in the end it’s ideal if you can keep a toe in the door.

The totally leading questions you have put as your AIBU clearly shows what you want the answer to be, and looks like it has worked so far, however unfortunately YABU.

Can you negotiate with school another half term of WFH? Could you take on marking, paperwork, preparing resources, sending out packs, checking in with the year groups not back yet?

I know all schools are working so differently, mine has been very accommodating with people's needs regarding health and childcare requirements.

You sound like a great Mum and a great teacher.