Think I'm going to have to resign due to childcare but scared to make the decision

[DanceMonkey19]

I guess this is 'AIBU to quit my job?'

Long story short. Currently WFH (primary teacher, part time). Have 2 DC, one with SEN who doesn't attend school full time and a 2 yo who is autistic. Childcare for youngest was grandparents who are shielding. Nursery not appropriate for youngest as very delayed, clingy to me etc.

DH self employed and we rely on his income. We would cope if I quit. But I'm scared to quit. I'd be isolating myself (work was my escape). Loss of financial independence. Recession looming.

On the other hand, my DC2s difficulties are severe. I'm struggling to cope. Not having to physically go into work for the last few weeks has taken so much stress away. I feel I've been coping better. I cry at the thought of anyone other than family looking after him, he is so vulnerable.

I feel like the decision is made, I can't go back. I can't, not with no childcare. But I'm scared. Scared that I'll regret it.

YABU - find childcare - your DC2 will just have to cope

OR

YANBU - be with your child now while they are so young.

your job is probably more secure than your DH's self employed business, can you look into increasing your hours once the schools are back and getting your DH to do the child care? You could look into supply teaching on days you don't currently work or maternity leave cover. Resignation date is fast approaching and adverts are appearing,

It depends what you want to do, either option is obviously okay and both have positives and negatives. You have your teaching qualification and experience under your belt, although if you leave you are unlikely to be able to walk back into a job in the future at your dream school; I bet there will be supply at least and other opportunities. You could also branch out into private or online tutoring if that appealed, or something completely different as lots of transferable skills, it will just be a lot harder in the next few years. But you do have a vocation to fall back on which would, for me, make the decision a bit easier. Personally I would take a few years as it seems you can afford it, and reassess when DS2 starts school. But of course if you want to stay in your job as is perfectly reasonable and understandable, your DS will have to adapt- not in a horrible way, but you are important too.

A short break until the dust settles as there can be so much change both good and bad in the early years, as well as provision availability . I have never been able to find provision that was reliable or cost efficient. I was constantly failing at both parenting and my employment. Good will only lasts so long. He is a teenager now and still cannot manage school full time without self harm. No long term decision needs to be made right now.

Your teaching work will be there when you want to return it it.

I'd normally say keep your job but your children have very demanding needs and you'll probably be happier spending some time managing their care and education.

My feeling is that you should not give up your independence and mental stimulation at work. It seems that you are trying to solve this on your own. I think other options, like you increasing your hours, DH either thinking how it could work for him to go part time or if it could work for him to be employed.

I would also talk to your employer, don't present them with the solution, but ask for help with the problem. Talk to your County Council to see if they can help in assessing your children's needs.

I think it is really important to share the load in marriage: for us thateans splitting paid work and parenting responsibilities.

It is a hugely difficult decision. I had to stop my PT work years ago as there was literally no one who could help with my son. Sometimes there are no other options and only people who have tried for years to find a working solution can understand that. Not every council offers extra help, or even the legal minimum help and not all employers are understanding or flexible. I don't know what the answer is for you OP but I feel your pain.

Family first, life is too short. There will be work in the future.

I understand how you feel as have been in this situation but I would be careful that you don't land yourself in a worse situation long term.

1. getting a decent part time job in teaching in not as easy as you might think especially if you are further up the salary scale.
2. Coping with a dc with asd is hard as you know; doing it 24/7 is very hard. Whilst juggling work and care is a nightmare, I have found that having a life outside is very helpful mentally.
3. Being financially dependent on a partner is (for me) a concern. Not having access to funds makes your family more vulnerable to unemployment, business failure etc It also makes you more vulnerable should there be an issue in your relationship.

I am sorry to be so doom and gloom. I just wanted to put the other side. Why not take leave from work whilst this plays out? You could make a formal request. Your dc having disablities would qualify you to request this I think.

"Coping with a dc with asd is hard as you know; doing it 24/7 is very hard. Whilst juggling work and care is a nightmare, I have found that having a life outside is very helpful mentally.

Exactly.
Dont become the default 24/7
Whatever you decide share the load.

(...Until your oh cannot cope and you have to leave and do it all alone anyway...)

I would definitely ask your school if you can take a year off due to childcare issues, and re-evaluate closer to the end of that time. The schools I know would accommodate this, and it lifts your stress for a considerable time without leaving you jobless. You can still quit 12 months down the line if you still feel it’s the right option.

Making the assumption that you don't really have contact with many people if you're working from home and your oh is self employed (from home?), how do you get your shopping?
If you can arrange for it to be delivered so no outside contact.. is there any reason why your parents could still be used for childcare? If you're not seeing anyone then your children arent at risk anyway?

I suggest you speak to your employer and union and take unpaid leave if at all possible. Do not resign. Take this time to plan ahead for your child.

To be honest I would be prioritising your more secure teaching career over your dh’s small business career.

Just because you are the mother does not mean you are the one to reduce work due to child caring issues. The financial security of the whole family needs to be look at and increasing your work hours may make more sense.

As a teacher, could you quit your regular job and do tutoring instead? Best of both world, and gives you time to find appropriate child care

In terms of income, could you cope with becoming a childminder for the next 2 years before going back to teaching when DC2 goes to school? Looking after your own 2 year old and one or two others? As a primary school teacher you'd be giving the other children a great start. You must have the DBS credentials already and presumably first aid training. Your DC2 would have company to play with and it might help him become less clingy.

In terms of income, could you cope with becoming a childminder for the next 2 years before going back to teaching when DC2 goes to school? Looking after your own 2 year old and one or two others? As a primary school teacher you'd be giving the other children a great start. You must have the DBS credentials already and presumably first aid training. Your DC2 would have company to play with and it might help him become less clingy.

Do a review of your financial postion.
Before making your decision as a couple you need to know how much it takes to run your home and family each month and see what debts, savings and cash you have accumulated as a whole.
Then see if you were to stop paid employment and your husbands business also reduced or failed how many months cash do you have to float you all and survive on.

If it's less than 12 months I'd be very wary with two chldren with needs of packing in paid employment right now. A massive recession is coming - eveyone needs to be ready and get their house in order as much as they can before the storm hits.

Your children may need lots of extras to help them overcome their disabilites. It will be a massive help to your children, in the not too distant future, if you can pay for these. Many state run services are going to be cut to the ribbon in this economic crises.

Think long and hard before you give up these opportunites for them.

I don't know what kind work your husband does but would it be likley to be affected if the economy dips by a large amount for the next 5 - 10 years ?

You have a very secure position - it would be good to keep your options open. Could you consider him being the stay-at-home parent and you working full time?

In times past I would not be so bleak with people in your position and you have my sincere sympathy as I understand the challenges you are facing. But I think things that generate a few extra bob - rent a room, tutoring, child minding for other parents - these will all be very limited due to at least 12 more months of the health issues corona have presented.
The recession that's coming will be worst I'll have ever lived through and I'm no spring chicken.

I have been in a similar position to you OP as have two autistic children and childcare was tricky too. I am also a P/T teacher - do you live in a big city? I'm asking because I stopped work for a couple of years and then found it quite hard to find a P/T job, even in London. I did eventually, but I imagine this would be harder in a smaller place.

I'm massively in favour of women continuing to work once they have children because the dangers are so great when you become financially dependent on someone.

However, I think in your circumstances it could make sense to take a year or two off. I would say you need some very honest conversations with your DH first:

What will the financial arrangements be? Will the money he earns be considered completely joint? Is it in an account that you have equal access to? Will you be able to spend money on personal items without explanation?

What will the expectations of you be? Will childcare and housework still be split 50:50 evenings and weekends? Will you only have responsibility for childcare during the day, or will you be expected to do all the housework during the day too?

When it's time to go back to work, will your DH be flexible enough in his job to facilitate that? To recognise that this is a sacrifice that you're making for the family, and that he may have to compromise his work for a while to enable to you to get back to work. Also that the intention will always be for you to go back to FT, and for childcare to go back to 50:50. It's very easy for the WOHP to get used to not having to think about childcare and to see it as their right.

If you can manage financially (and it sounds like you can) then of course hand in your notice. It’s not compulsory to work outside the home.

I’m afraid it’s true that many marriages fail if there are DC with SN.

This. I have seen most of the marriages I know break down where there are children with SN involved. Most. And the wives were universally left holding the bag, often after having given up their own careers, to manage the needs, and struggling to get back into work.

I would try to keep your hand in, even if it's as a TA for a few years. HLTA level , but without the added responsibility for out of hours work?

It sounds like at the moment, home is less stressful than work for you. I can only say that for me (lone parent, 2 DC with additional needs), work is a lifesaver - I work in a v demanding NHS role, but still find it less strssful than home. At work, people don't follow me to the loo. Or hit me and call me a stupid fucking bitch if I say they can't go on minecraft

I echo claiming DLA, both mine get it and with tax credits it means I can work pt, they wouldn't cope with me being ft. I suppose what I'm saying is this might be best for now, but that might change. How easy would it be to get back into work if things change at home? Easy = go for it Not easy = much harder decision. whatever you decide.

Why can’t your son attend nursery ?

My own son is had severe disabilities and went to nursery from 2, to a normal nursery. They got funding so he had a 1:1 with him at all times.

I wouldn’t dare tell you BU or YANBU

You have a very complex situation here
And teaching will always be there in the future
Just don’t think of this as permanent
And make sure you having some rainy day savings x

I had to do that op .
21 years ago ..he managed some time in a special school ,but more than half of his education was provided by lea tutors ,where I had to stay in the house while they were here...there was no way I could of managed and worked.
As soon as I thought I could get back to work ,history repeated itself with our youngest child ,who is currently out of school with lea tutors and has been for a few years .
I don’t regret being there for either of them ,even though it meant I couldn’t work...but it wasn’t right for me to not work ...but it was right for me as a mum to put my dc first...difficult,
Looking back the only way ( as we have 4 kids) that I could of worked was if the 2 with autism had gone to residential school..I could of got that if I had of pushed for it .as neither at times could be found a school place...but I don’t know ..I’d of had to live with that decision.
Good luck op ..

Sorry to hear your dilemma. I wondered about this myself.

By sending some classes back early and other childcare not being available what is going to happen to teaching staff. Some staff having children of different ages at different schools too. Someone in my village is an Early years teacher but has two children at the village school who are older. Not sure how she will manage and I am shielding so can't help. The village school is not open for key workers.

I am a TA and I am also thinking of resigning. I have borderline health problems including asthma and been told two different things from two different nurses. If I get it because I am working looking other people's children how would my children feel if i died. I've had a heart attack from a virus in the past. I am not far off retirement and think resigning will be my only option if I am asked to go back. I am not in Yr6, Yr1 or Reception.