Think I'm going to have to resign due to childcare but scared to make the decision

[DanceMonkey19]

I guess this is 'AIBU to quit my job?'

Long story short. Currently WFH (primary teacher, part time). Have 2 DC, one with SEN who doesn't attend school full time and a 2 yo who is autistic. Childcare for youngest was grandparents who are shielding. Nursery not appropriate for youngest as very delayed, clingy to me etc.

DH self employed and we rely on his income. We would cope if I quit. But I'm scared to quit. I'd be isolating myself (work was my escape). Loss of financial independence. Recession looming.

On the other hand, my DC2s difficulties are severe. I'm struggling to cope. Not having to physically go into work for the last few weeks has taken so much stress away. I feel I've been coping better. I cry at the thought of anyone other than family looking after him, he is so vulnerable.

I feel like the decision is made, I can't go back. I can't, not with no childcare. But I'm scared. Scared that I'll regret it.

YABU - find childcare - your DC2 will just have to cope

OR

YANBU - be with your child now while they are so young.

It sounds to me like this lockdown has given you an opportunity to re-set things. It may be for a year, or longer, but I don't see why you shouldn't give up your teaching job (as it sounds like you found it very stressful, even with childcare) for a while, with a plan to return if and when everything has shifted again.

Have you looked in DLA and careers allowance? We get higher rate care and lower rate mobility for my ASC, ADHD daughter so I can claim careers and although not much (Approx £110 a week DLA, £65 a week careers) it does really help and makes it possible for me to be home full time.

So September 21 at the earliest.
Could you ask for a career break until then?

Millicent it really does concern me. Nothing in life is guaranteed is it? Was there no way you could go back to your previous career?

SinkGirl we have been on a waiting list with Specialist Early Years who organise specialist placements etc since December. We were told they prioritise children who are due to start school and obviously no one has been seen since March, so no hope of any intervention any time soon

Op, am I misunderstanding but this is purely temporary due to Covid and lock down?

It worked fine before? As such the pressure is simply do you go back to work now or not?

Why not ask your employer if you can take unpaid leave and then revise it before the new school year starts?

Trying to work and manage young children with special needs is incredibly stressful. I left work and it was the best thing for our family. I have no regrets. Dc is now 12 and in special school but with no childcare working is not an option. I have found plenty to do in a voluntary capacity to keep my mind active and feel useful.

I quit teaching when my eldest was born. I didn't want to go back full time which would have been the only option at that point.

I would usually say if you can live on one salary and make provision for yourself - eg husband also pays into a private pension for you, you both have life insurance, have savings etc that you should go for it, especially with the SEN. However I would be concerned to quit when your husband is self employed/working for a small company making his income not as secure. Having said that, both times I went back to work after kids - to support roles not teaching - I found work with the hours I wanted within 3 months of seriously looking.

It really does concern me. Nothing in life is guaranteed is it? Was there no way you could go back to your previous career?

It was a few years ago. I worked in manufacturing engineering, factory hours. They wouldn’t let me go back part time, it was before they had to consider that. I’d been out of that industry for 15 years by the time of my divorce, and had been working as a TA in a school for 5 years. I’m now a science technician in a school so 37 hours a week term time only.

It would have been the right decision if I was still married. It was the best thing for my DS at the time. But it wasn’t the right decision for me, ultimately. His father sees him once a fortnight, now Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

I’m going for YABU. However, it isn’t cut and dried. You need a break from your dc2 in order to be an available parent. In this context, he will need a break from you. Therefore YABU to be a sahm and look after him full time. It may take time to find some provision, which is why I would also talk to your school.

Posted too soon. You my decide you want to give up for good, however, for now I would request a sabbatical.

My dd is autistic. At 2 she wouldn't even stay with h. I found an autism programme which was 4 days a week half time and I credit that to why my non verbal at 3 child is half way through a degree heading for a first. Early specialist intervention works.

Our marriage has reached points of being very stressful as I felt like I was drowning being at home. Both my kids with asd are now at school and I do work time term - poor pay and unrelated to my degree but I’m around for the kids. And I feel I’m happier with the balance. But my career prospects are poor, my pension isn’t great whilst my dh has a decent career and pension which he says is for both of us unless he has a midlife crisis and leaves.

Personally I’d speak to work and take a sabbatical if you can. Give yourself time to assess things. Maybe look to go back in as a TA.

If I was I your position I would request a sabbatical before resigning. It gives you breathing space and time to re-evaluate.

Today I would claim DLA for both children and Carers Allowance for yourself.

I have an autistic DS who is surprisingly adaptable when it comes to different childcare - nursery, school, grandparents the odd baby sitter in the past. I always worry myself sick and then it is fine. I wouldn't rule 'minded options' out completely.

Have you thought about doing supply work? You could still have an income, but have more flexibility about your availability. Also, might you be able to go part-time where you are now?

Regarding specialist intervention - yes it's good, but it doesn't work miracles.

My DS did 18 months in early intervention pre-schools from 2.5 - almost 4 and then 6 months of ABA before starting reception in an SEN school. He is still very autistic and mostly non-verbal - maybe more communicative than what he would have been, maybe not.

I would get as much support and input as possible, but would try to manage your expectations.

This may sound like an unfair thing to say, but I am sure your husband would be happy for you to quit as that way he can expect you to shoulder all the responsibility for the children and the house.

I don’t think women should ever agree to such a division of responsibility. Your husband should take responsibility for the children for at least part of the time so that you can have some paid employment too.

Don't quit, your dh needs to go pt, they're his kids too.
You say you need his money, but you could say that about yours, so why should you be the one to resign.

In the grand scheme of things 21 September isn't far away. Can you see if you could get the unpaid leave for part of the time.

You are right to feel uneasy about being financially dependent on another person. Apart from the obvious, what if something happens to his partnership? Especially now when we are heading into a very uncertain future.

I wouldn't give up a job now, I think that is a very risky move.

I would do it. You are in a profession where there will always be work.

Sometimes when you make a change it can feel overwhelming. Would it help just to say to yourself 'I'll give it 6 months of being at home and if it doesn't work so be it, I'll go back to teaching or something else.'

I was fortunate enough to take 5 years off when my DD was little, for different reasons though - I don't regret a minute of it.

What about doing something else like online tuition or supply in future?

You are less stressed not working which is better for you and your children. You could find something else to do while you are at home. Are there no opportunities to work at home using your qualifications that could be fitted around child care.or start your own business. Something to occupy your mind.
You can always go back to teaching at some point.

Is the relationship cast iron and are finances completely shared.

Otherwise, please don’t. This is why older women are at more financial risk then men and with more debt - they’ve worked part-time, had career breaks, paid less into a pension and have fewer savings.

Also, it’s completely valid to want to work for self-worth reasons. But you do have a career that you can resume.

You say you’re scared you’d be making the wrong decision yet everything you’ve written in your OP sounds like you do really want to stay at home. So do it.

You’ll get numerous people insisting every mum must work blah blah and that’s possibly what’s making you question yourself, but if you’re happy and your DH is happy, then what’s the problem?

You can always get work in education later, or you can find a job in an alternative area if that’s easier. It’s not like you’re saying you’ll never work again. You can go back to work when you feel it’s right.

If financially you can cope on one wage then I think it is worth trying. There seems to be a national shortage of teachers so I assume teaching is something you could easily get back in to down the line?
I can only imagine the stress from work is going to increase over the next 12 months for you so take the time to spend with your dc.
Maybe look into doing something just for yourself once a week so you still get a break from your dc though 💐

Your dc will cope. I ve worked throughout ds ASD Sld . Some flexibility and some years 80% time.
You have to learn to trust other people for your own sanity and longer term if you need respite etc....and if work is necessary for income or your own well being.