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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Couples who live separately but are having children??

101 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 10:27

AIBU to think you can't have it both ways and to get annoyed by it (it's lockdown and I have too much time to think normally wouldn't care as too busy working!). They are very much a couple and are having their second child together. He works she doesn't. Both living in different households although staying over at times. Christmas together, weekends away etc. I have too much time at the moment I know but seeing posts on FB 'My partner and I' need to buy a pram just pissed me off today 😬

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 23/05/2020 00:37

Pleasenodont

So they pay all of their own bills?

Abbazed · 23/05/2020 01:06

It's not actually legal. If you screenshotted the my partner and I need a pram... Sent to dwp they would investigate. People think they can stay over but in reality no such law. You're meant to be flying solo. I know as I once was and every other lass claimed to be and wasn't...

Morally, I wouldn't.

Ilovecats14 · 23/05/2020 01:09

I dont live with my partner. Not planning to either. Theres just enough room for my son and cat.

Ilovecats14 · 23/05/2020 01:16

Should have added my sons not his though.

Donkeytail · 23/05/2020 01:18

I know a couple who are engaged with a kid who don't live together. They are quite open that is about the money. He works and she gets benefits. He lives with parents so it's not as expensive as renting his own place. We are in Ireland though where benefits are higher than the UK.

Personally I'd rather my kid grew up with both parents in the same household but we are all different I suppose.

Deadringer · 23/05/2020 01:19

Oooh i would love it if my dh lived somewhere else. Anywhere else. Yabu.

TazSyd · 23/05/2020 01:21

It’s maximising benefits. Woman with the kids getting rent paid and benefits.

Man “officially” at parents or in an HMO down the road.

Benefits are a pittance for the childless but pretty generous if you are single with a couple of kids. You can easily work it out on on entitledto.

Ilovecats14 · 23/05/2020 01:29

I hope my neighbours dont think my partner doesnt live with me because of that reason 😳 he doesnt live with me because I'd probably dump him if we lived together. We still have family days I just love my own space.

OwlBeThere · 23/05/2020 01:52

My mum and her husband have never lived together, they’ve been married 30 plus years. My sister is their child and quite happy and healthy and fine. They love each other they just don’t want to live together. It works for them, no one else’s business.

Megan2018 · 23/05/2020 02:04

I’d love a separate house from my DH.

My parents don’t live together, but are a couple (but we are grown up children).

No benefits here though, they fund 2 households on their pensions

Curious200 · 23/05/2020 02:46

I think it's the easy way for the guy to not have full responsibility over his family and have to work harder to pay the rent bills etc.
I live abroad and all the men who have children have to provide for them, there is no other way. The government don't step in and help. So I think that's why men think a lot longer about having kids and when they do they generally marry and commit. The English government has created lazy men who expect the government to pay for their kids.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 23/05/2020 09:28

It isn't any of my business if they live or not live together I agree. But I'm just expressing my opinion and annoyance and asking us this even allowed. How is that fair on others who are living together or apart even but have a joint income or those who genuinely are single parents and struggling? I'm sure me and dh would be better off living apart and me claiming as a single parent and having him top my finances up when I need it.

OP posts:

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 23/05/2020 14:34

This is due to entitled men who think that incomes are pocket money and not to be wasted on supporting their family. Why bother when the state will do it, and also you probably get out of the heavy lifting of childcare and housework.

I have a problem with people judging the women though, and especially when the women are prosecuted but the men not as they technically haven’t broken any laws.

GreenTulips · 23/05/2020 14:55

But woman have been compliant with the situation?

Toomboom · 23/05/2020 14:58

Sounds like my neighbour. They have 3 children but don't live together. They come and go to each others house all the time.

NotNowPlzz · 23/05/2020 15:04

Well go on then if it's going to be so much better for you..

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 23/05/2020 15:42

It's OK Notnow I'd rather cut back and struggle and have a clear conscience then do that and I certainly wouldn't have planned to have children which I couldn't support with a man who wasn't going to support us emotionally and financially either.

OP posts:

OwlBeThere · 23/05/2020 16:25

Of course it’s Allowed. If they don’t live together then they don’t. There’s nothing to have an unclear conscience about. Single parents don’t get to sit at home on benefits Forever as some seem to think. Once a child is of school age they must look for work.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 23/05/2020 17:13

Yes but she isn't single!! She is in a relationship with the father of two of her children both planned one of which she expecting. They have made the decision to not live together so she can claim benefits and he can continue his lifestyle and not financially pay for a roof over their heads or bills. He owns a business.

OP posts:

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 23/05/2020 17:16

I’m sure it’s to get more benefits if they move apart. It’s not fraud but morally it’s not get either.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 23/05/2020 17:16

Great either*

Okrightbut · 23/05/2020 18:05

I've come across this before and it's always been where the woman is claiming benefits and the man is either working or claiming benefits and living in a separate household. As previous posters of said it is cheaper to run two households if you claiming benefits to cover rent and and receiving benefits as a single person. To be honest the people have come across you do this often have children with an unreliable man and I think it's a way of them keeping some independents because they had kids with a waste man. I definitely feel more irritated towards the men in this situation because it feels like they're getting to have children but not make any lifestyle compromises or financial compromises. You've got to wonder if they did live together if he would just carry on living his single life and she would be the one paying all the bills and making sure the family were provided for .

Ravenclawgirl · 23/05/2020 18:28

Seen this a lot in my job. Dad earning a good wage so they wouldn't be eligible for benefit. This way Mum gets benefits, social housing and Dad still gets his income.

It may be legal but it leaves a nasty taste.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 23/05/2020 19:09

It's definitely does!!! Imagine if we all played that game!! Definitely not fair on couples who are definitely struggling or those who genuinely are single parents and struggling on one income.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 23/05/2020 19:27

Or those wanting a council property taken up by two individuals

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