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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who live separately but are having children??

101 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 10:27

AIBU to think you can't have it both ways and to get annoyed by it (it's lockdown and I have too much time to think normally wouldn't care as too busy working!). They are very much a couple and are having their second child together. He works she doesn't. Both living in different households although staying over at times. Christmas together, weekends away etc. I have too much time at the moment I know but seeing posts on FB 'My partner and I' need to buy a pram just pissed me off today 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 12:36

She doesn't work and is on universal credit, but he works and has his own business and a house think it's council or ex council not sure. So yes they are living separately for financial reasons but is this actually even allowed? It seems quite common.

OP posts:
altiara · 22/05/2020 12:38

Maybe this is there way of being able to stay in a relationship together. Maybe living together creates a dynamic that isn’t healthy for their relationship.
Staying over ‘at times’ doesn’t mean they are living together so she’d be entitled to the council tax discount.
Does it really matter how other families are set up? I think my marriage would’ve lasted longer if we’d lived apart. Neither I nor the kids had support while my DH lived with us.

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/05/2020 12:41

We all know what’s going on so no idea why people have to play dumb or act coy about it Hmm

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 12:41

I'm just surprised that people can do this. When my dp was in the navy and based in Portsmouth (we chose not to move) he still financially supported me when I had our second child and paid two rents even though he only came home 2 nights per week! My friend said I should claim as a single parent and get support but I couldn't do not even though it was hard we were still a couple.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 22/05/2020 12:47

Yep it’s legal.

Has been for years. They are better off apart even though the science says kids with both parents do better in life/school.

Not sure why the government allow it.

Look at that woman on TV with 8 kids, living on her own but managing to have a new baby every year or two, by the same dad.

Bit obvious really.

pumpkinbump · 22/05/2020 12:51

I've never thought about it before but my issue with it would be that these houses the mothers are living in (I assume council and having their rent paid for by UC) could be given to people who actually need them, to people who have nowhere to go. I don't think it is right at all.

Nameofchanges · 22/05/2020 12:53

There are so many men who don’t financially support their children and never see them. Wouldn’t it be more useful to do something about those men?

pumpkinbump · 22/05/2020 12:55

It doesn't sound like the man in question here is supporting his child as such, we are.

CoachBombay · 22/05/2020 12:55

If she is unemployed, she will most likely get UC and Housing costs and a council tax exemption.

She will receive full adult and a child rate along with CB. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? I can assure you it is not.

With the way the taper works on earnings they would probably find themselves not much different in incomes, if he did move in and they declared as a couple with 2 children with one working adult. They may also get a uplift from working tax credits added to the UC claim. They would only then be running one household rather than 2, so half their expenditure as a couple.

But its their choice how to live as they want, and really everything they are doing is legal so there's no point loosing sleep over it.

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 12:56

Wow im shocked to be honest that this is allowed. He has plenty of money he owns his own business so guessing he doesn't want to pay for his children because it will effect his life style. He doesn't even have his name on birth certificate. Bloody crazy and yet some people have no choice but to be on benefits and struggle.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 22/05/2020 12:57

Oh, it’s a benefit bashing thread! I get it now! It’s always amazing on these threads how much private information people know about other people. Almost unbelievable, actually.

wildcherries · 22/05/2020 12:58

Oh, it’s a benefit bashing thread! I get it now I should also have realised sooner.

pumpkinbump · 22/05/2020 12:58

I completely agree OP. Why on earth isn't his name on the birth certificate? Are you sure the mother is happy with this arrangement and isn't being forced into it by him? He sounds like a complete dick!

chunkyrun · 22/05/2020 13:01

Going to stick my ahead above the parapet here. We live separately. Have children together. Might seem odd to people but it works for us. Some times kids stop over at his. Gives me a proper break. He comes over here several nights a week. Takes over bath times ext. nights he's not here I get to snuggle up with cat and watch what I want on tv. I'm autistic and when he's been here few nights in a row I'm dying to just be by myself. I've lived with partners previously but never again. Unless we can afford a mansion and be able to stay out of each other's way. Did think of living next door to one another but that's still abit to close for comfort.

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 13:01

Coach that could apply to all couples though? My husband worked away 5 days a week, but we still both financially paid both our rents and bills etc. He wasn't on a huge salary but couldnt get a job local to us when coming out of the forces and we chose to live apart for that time. It was bloody hard.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 22/05/2020 13:02

Will she's absolutely ridiculous having a second child with this man.

aliceinsunderland44 · 22/05/2020 13:04

Actually it is benefit fraud if she is claiming as a single person which she clearly isn't. I would presume the father is contributing to the household costs and therefore she probably isn't entitled to benefits as a single parent. It's a lifestyle choice they've probably made for financial gain - its another income isn't it.

I couldn't give a crap about people's choices, living arrangements or family dynamics but it she is claiming then it is fraud and effectively stealing from the state. Completely immoral.

If she were investigated and found to be in a long term relationship with someone who is fathering her kids, eating meals with her, staying over regularly, enjoying holidays and christmases with them then I highly suspect she'd have her benefits stopped and made to pay the money back. Because she's not single.

Friendsofmine · 22/05/2020 13:04

Living together isn't right for everyone. It doesn't mean they aren't good parents or partners in every case.

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/05/2020 13:04

It’s not even benefit bashing. It’s wabtinv these feckless men to be forced to pay for their children. In America they force the fathers to pay by taking it straight from their pay checks and removing their driving license if they default. I honestly don’t understand why men in this country can just merrily walk away so easily leaving the cost to either the mother alone or the rest of society. It blows my mind.

DahliaDay · 22/05/2020 13:06

well i suppose it means he can happily see other women, sleep around.....do what he likes really.

pop round for a booty call if he's at a loose end.....get his dinner cooked....then disappear back to his home

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/05/2020 13:06

chunkyrun no one minds what your individual set up is unless you are relying on the government to pay for it. I assume you are simply affording to run two households yourself and that’s fine!

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 22/05/2020 13:08

Umm it's not a benefit bashing thread it's a discussion. I grew up in a single parent family I understand how difficult benefits are and saw how my mum struggled. But this guy is choosing to have children he can't afford or probably could afford but it would effect his lifestyle. Benefits are there to help and support those who need it it's a safety net and thank god we have it but it shouldn't be a life style choice for those who could actually support themselves. I'm sure we have all took a hit financially having children and having to cut backon things give up on fancy cars etc.

OP posts:
pumpkinbump · 22/05/2020 13:08

You have to put your status on the application for UC. I don't think there is an option for 'in a commited relationship but living apart' (I could be wrong), so I wonder what option she chose.

spaghettios · 22/05/2020 13:09

We didn’t live together when we had DS. He was a bit of a ONS accident Blush and I didn’t know him well enough to move in with him yet. We were still together, just lived separately. The most hilarious thing was when someone reported me for “benefit fraud”. I didn’t even claim benefits, I’m not a citizen 😂😂😂

We moved in together when DS was 14mths and still going good 11 and a bit years later. Longest one night stand ever. Blush

PumpkinP · 22/05/2020 13:09

It is allowed, you can even be married and live separate and claim benefits as “single” it comes up regularly on the UC Facebook page and they say it’s allowed as long as they don’t live together.

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