To be so angry with this man? Or is it my grief coming out in a weird way?

[ConkerGame]

My dear grandfather passed away two weeks ago from Covid-19 and we held his funeral yesterday. Under the current rules, obviously numbers are limited and restricted to immediate household/family members and a celebrant, unless no relatives can make it and then very close friends are allowed. The crematorium we used allowed 10 people and we had to be sat spaced out by household. Fortunately our immediate family is very small so we were all able to attend - my parents, me and DH, my sister and BIL, and my brother, so 7 of us.

Two days before the funeral I got a message from my dad (whose father it was that had died) saying "By the way, "Mike" wants to come to the funeral so he'll be attending too". Mike is a friend of my dad's, not a super close friend or a friend from childhood, so not someone who knew by granddad really well, but a neighbour who my parents have got to know over the last 15 years. He probably saw my granddad once a year for the past 8 years, at gatherings at my parents' house. He was definitely not in any way emotionally affected by my granddad's passing. As it happens, I've never been a big fan of Mike's - he's very loud, attention-seeking and tries to muscle his way into things. He also makes plenty of insensitive comments. He has also got my dad involved in some bad business deals in the past so I'm generally wary of him and his "friendship" with my dad.

I felt strange about it when I got the message - it didn't make sense at all for him to be there. We all knew that this wasn't the proper funeral we would have planned under normal circumstances, it was very much just an intimate family event and my dad is planning a larger memorial service when things open up again, that everyone who knew my granddad will be invited to. It's also obviously been a very horrible, stressful time for us all, as we weren't able to visit my granddad in hospital, haven't been able to visit each other to grieve together since the news of his passing and hadn't seen each other for 8 weeks before the death either, due to physical distance and the lockdown. So this funeral was going to be the first time we'd met as a family in 10 weeks and the first time we'd been able to all mourn together as a group. Obviously we've been speaking on the phone and video calls but it's completely different in person. So it felt really intrusive to me that a guy who most of us don't know very well and some of us don't like was going to be there too.

I messaged my dad back to ask if Mike knew this was just a small gathering for immediate family only and was also against the rules for random friends of relatives to be there, but he didn't reply. So I arrived at the crematorium yesterday to see Mike standing there with my parents. I'd arrived in tears, just wanting to be comforted by my family and to comfort them too, but bloody Mike was already there, cracking jokes and making small talk. I felt so angry that he was taking this time from us a family and changing the atmosphere in such an inappropriate manner. Thankfully we got called in for the service quickly and were then all sat separately (which was difficult in itself) and then after the funeral the vicar encouraged us to spend some time in the grounds, reminiscing together. But we couldn't because this random bloke was there, talking about the weather and the venue. I just walked off with DH and left as I couldn't hold back my tears and wanted to just be left alone with loved ones to grieve.

The immediate family all then went back to my parents' house to spend some time together in the garden, so I did get time with them all, just us. But since the funeral I've been feeling really really angry that what should have been a peaceful, comforting event where I said my last goodbyes to a much loved family member was turned into something stressful and awkward. When I first got the message from my dad I didn't push things too hard as I felt my dad deserved the most sympathy as it was his father who had died, and I didn't want to cause him any extra stress on what would already be a difficult day. But to be honest, my dad was actually fine on the day and it was me that needed comforting and I now feel a bit bereft and almost like my parents let me down a bit by allowing Mike to be there, if that makes sense? If any of my close friends had said they wanted to come, I would have thanked them for their thoughts but told them it wouldn't be appropriate, and I'd love to catch up with them separately on another day, rather than just impose them on the rest of my family.

My dad is not someone who confides deep feelings in friends or relies on them for support so he definitely wouldn't have asked Mike to come (especially as Mike was in no way close to my granddad!). I also question Mike's motives for being there - it definitely wasn't for the wider family benefit and he knows we're a tight-knit, loving family so it wasn't like my dad wasn't going to be completely supported by us if he needed it. I think it honestly just made him feel important, like a "special chosen" friend to be the only none-family member there.

I'm not sure how to get over this anger or what to do about it? I probably see Mike once a year and he's the type of insensitive man to say something like "you weren't very friendly to me at your granddad's funeral, were you!" next time he sees me. For that reason I want to tell my parents how annoyed I am that he was there and that I don't want to see him again in future, but I also don't want to cause them any stress.

AIBU?

Mike does indeed spund like a twat but you can't choose your parent's friends. They are adults but you talk about him being a bad influence as if they were fourteen. I am sure you wouldn't like it the other way round. Also please don't say to them that you don't want him at future family events as you would be dictating to them in an unacceptable way. If the event is your own and you are the main player/ host of course you can say he isn't invited.

and of pre-empting this issue in future by telling my parents I don't want him there before any other family events.

And what are you going to do if they want him there? As I said before, if you want to avoid him that's up to you but not by controlling who they invite to their annual party.

What strikes me is that you are angry about something you can’t change. What’s done is done and you can’t go back. I don’t think rehashing it with your family would serve any useful purpose.

BUT... you can learn from this. When that small voice rises in your head and you feel uneasy about something, you should summon your courage and say something.

And if Mike dares to criticise your behaviour towards him at the funeral, you should have a response ready because any such comment would be very much out of order. Isn’t “Did you mean to be so rude?” a stock phrase on Mumsnet?

So you don't like Mike - But your Dad does, it was his dad to be burried.But if you felt that bothered by intrusion and you are all so close, why didn't you call your dad and discuss rather than just popping off a text andleaving it? Mike asked your dad/your dad asked Mike - whatever, maybe Mike thought it would be nice to have an extra person to give him a bigger send off. Your issue is that you don't like Mike but then you should have actually opened lines of verbal communication with your dad. Let it go now.

Sorry for your loss

But with regards to this:
pre-empting this issue in future by telling my parents I don't want him there before any other family events.

It's a bit high handed to ban certain names from other people's guest lists.

I'm so sorry for your loss @ConkerGame. At my beloved grandfather's funeral, his sister turned up, completely out of the blue. No -one had seen her for 40+ years because his whole family, led by her, completely cut him off when he arrived back from the war (he was fighting in Africa) with my grandmother, who was Middle Eastern - they didn't want a 'foreigner' in their family.

I let it wash over me and realised that perhaps she was there to say sorry, or to grieve, but my brother was INCANDESCENT with rage, that someone who had treated him SO badly had the gall to turn up. We managed to ignore her for the day because there were so many people there, but I can imagine that in the current circumstances, it would have made it impossible to do, and I too, would have been extremely angry.

With the benefit of distance of many years from the event, I can see that it really didn't matter - what mattered was that I got to say goodbye to my gorgeous grandfather, and we grieved as a family - and that didn't include his sister. Who as it turned out was only there to see about his will, and was politely told to leave.....

Hang on to your happy memories and as others have said, perhaps your father needed Mike there, however odd it seemed to you at the time.

A lot of men dread losing control in public.

Have you considered that your Dad actually WANTED his bluff/ dull pal Mike to be there , just to ground him enough so that your dad could get through his father's funeral without coming apart at the seams?

Just in case it's useful I am a GP and together with local children's services in Somerset we have developed resources on managing stress and difficult emotions - free and easy to access at www.parentsupportmatters.co.uk

Whilst Mike sounds like an absolute PITA, it’s up to your dad who he allowed to attend his own fathers funeral.

Roll forward 30 or 40 years when it might be you arranging a funeral for your own parents or PIL. Would you really want someone else, no matter how well meaning deciding who would and wouldn’t be allowed to attend?

By all means have a word with Mike next time you see him if you feel his behaviour was inappropriate but definitely don’t say anything to your dad. He is grieving the loss of his dad and doesn’t need any other hassle at the moment.

If Mike says anything to you next time you see him, just say "It was my grandfather's funeral, did you honestly expect me to be all sunshine and smiles?"

That will highlight how petty he is

Was someone that you care about unable to come because Mike was there? It doesn’t sound like it, from what you’ve said, but the emotions you’re expressing make it feel that way. Is it that you’re partly mourning the send-off you wanted to give your grand dad, and Mike being there has made it neither private and small nor public and large and so has emphasised this?

I agree with past posters that you may be focusing your anger on him because of grief. Speculating about him coming to future weddings sounds as though you feel he’s sort of replacing your granddad... is there something painful attached to Mike that makes you feel this way? It’s a really strong negative reaction to have to your dad’s friend, and what you say about how you find him annoying doesn’t really seem to warrant this strength of feeling.

As for your feeling that him being there and cheerful was disrespectful.... People react differently to bereavement, and for your dad at some level having Mike there was a good thing. You can’t know why without asking him, but I wouldn’t make it an accusation. Imagine if the tables were turned and your child objected to your friend coming to a funeral—even if your dad felt awkward about it himself, what can you possibly get from asking him? I get the sense that even if he admitted he was’ wrong’ you’d still be annoyed!

I also wonder why you think Mike might say anything about how you were with him at the funeral.

Unless you were obviously very rude to him-why do you think that you will even have been noticed by him?

And yes as a pp has said about future family events-why do you think that who others choose to invite is any of your business?

I would be raging too but you need time to heal and holding onto the anger directed at Mike will do you no good. Your dad is a grown man and whilst I understand worrying about your dad he can make his own decisions even if they are crap ones. You can't save everyone, sometimes people need to fall over before they learn to get up again.

You mention parents in your post so what does your mum think about Mike? Maybe she is better placed to voice concerns about him ( and be taken seriously by your dad) than you are. In my experience parents don't appreciate being told what to do by their kids even if said kids are adults and only acting with their best interests in mind.

Hi, I’m glad you looked up my post. I honestly thought in the following weeks my lovely close family could have fallen apart as my brother and sister and their husbands and wives all agreed with me , I was the only one to get so upset. I really am pleased I let it go and I hope you can also. Big virtual hug.