To be so angry with this man? Or is it my grief coming out in a weird way?

[ConkerGame]

My dear grandfather passed away two weeks ago from Covid-19 and we held his funeral yesterday. Under the current rules, obviously numbers are limited and restricted to immediate household/family members and a celebrant, unless no relatives can make it and then very close friends are allowed. The crematorium we used allowed 10 people and we had to be sat spaced out by household. Fortunately our immediate family is very small so we were all able to attend - my parents, me and DH, my sister and BIL, and my brother, so 7 of us.

Two days before the funeral I got a message from my dad (whose father it was that had died) saying "By the way, "Mike" wants to come to the funeral so he'll be attending too". Mike is a friend of my dad's, not a super close friend or a friend from childhood, so not someone who knew by granddad really well, but a neighbour who my parents have got to know over the last 15 years. He probably saw my granddad once a year for the past 8 years, at gatherings at my parents' house. He was definitely not in any way emotionally affected by my granddad's passing. As it happens, I've never been a big fan of Mike's - he's very loud, attention-seeking and tries to muscle his way into things. He also makes plenty of insensitive comments. He has also got my dad involved in some bad business deals in the past so I'm generally wary of him and his "friendship" with my dad.

I felt strange about it when I got the message - it didn't make sense at all for him to be there. We all knew that this wasn't the proper funeral we would have planned under normal circumstances, it was very much just an intimate family event and my dad is planning a larger memorial service when things open up again, that everyone who knew my granddad will be invited to. It's also obviously been a very horrible, stressful time for us all, as we weren't able to visit my granddad in hospital, haven't been able to visit each other to grieve together since the news of his passing and hadn't seen each other for 8 weeks before the death either, due to physical distance and the lockdown. So this funeral was going to be the first time we'd met as a family in 10 weeks and the first time we'd been able to all mourn together as a group. Obviously we've been speaking on the phone and video calls but it's completely different in person. So it felt really intrusive to me that a guy who most of us don't know very well and some of us don't like was going to be there too.

I messaged my dad back to ask if Mike knew this was just a small gathering for immediate family only and was also against the rules for random friends of relatives to be there, but he didn't reply. So I arrived at the crematorium yesterday to see Mike standing there with my parents. I'd arrived in tears, just wanting to be comforted by my family and to comfort them too, but bloody Mike was already there, cracking jokes and making small talk. I felt so angry that he was taking this time from us a family and changing the atmosphere in such an inappropriate manner. Thankfully we got called in for the service quickly and were then all sat separately (which was difficult in itself) and then after the funeral the vicar encouraged us to spend some time in the grounds, reminiscing together. But we couldn't because this random bloke was there, talking about the weather and the venue. I just walked off with DH and left as I couldn't hold back my tears and wanted to just be left alone with loved ones to grieve.

The immediate family all then went back to my parents' house to spend some time together in the garden, so I did get time with them all, just us. But since the funeral I've been feeling really really angry that what should have been a peaceful, comforting event where I said my last goodbyes to a much loved family member was turned into something stressful and awkward. When I first got the message from my dad I didn't push things too hard as I felt my dad deserved the most sympathy as it was his father who had died, and I didn't want to cause him any extra stress on what would already be a difficult day. But to be honest, my dad was actually fine on the day and it was me that needed comforting and I now feel a bit bereft and almost like my parents let me down a bit by allowing Mike to be there, if that makes sense? If any of my close friends had said they wanted to come, I would have thanked them for their thoughts but told them it wouldn't be appropriate, and I'd love to catch up with them separately on another day, rather than just impose them on the rest of my family.

My dad is not someone who confides deep feelings in friends or relies on them for support so he definitely wouldn't have asked Mike to come (especially as Mike was in no way close to my granddad!). I also question Mike's motives for being there - it definitely wasn't for the wider family benefit and he knows we're a tight-knit, loving family so it wasn't like my dad wasn't going to be completely supported by us if he needed it. I think it honestly just made him feel important, like a "special chosen" friend to be the only none-family member there.

I'm not sure how to get over this anger or what to do about it? I probably see Mike once a year and he's the type of insensitive man to say something like "you weren't very friendly to me at your granddad's funeral, were you!" next time he sees me. For that reason I want to tell my parents how annoyed I am that he was there and that I don't want to see him again in future, but I also don't want to cause them any stress.

AIBU?

I am very sorry about your Grandad. Anger can be part of grief and because you don't like Mike who sounds a right pain you are focussing on him. I understand that you are very sad just now but I do think you are being controlling. If your Dad is an easy going sort it will only upset him at a sad time if you make an issue of this. It is not up to you either to say that you don't want Mike at future family events unless it is something like your own wedding or an event for your own children. It is up to your sister whether or not she makes a thing about him attending her wedding or not. Mike sounds very insensitive but I think you need to let it go and ignore him. In the scheme of things with the loss of your Grandad in this distressing way Mike is unimportant.

My dad sounds really similar to yours. And it did upset me. He tried to bring a random to my wedding and I had to quite sternly tell him I didn’t want them there! (That sounds really horrible written down but it was a super small wedding, only immediate family and about 6 of our closest friends, it would have felt completely weird to have someone I barely knew there). Like your dad mine would always take the path of least resistance with difficult or pushy people and it wound me up but ultimately I had to accept that it wasn’t my place to interfere with his relationships. I think you have a right to be upset and you COULD talk to your dad about it if you wanted, but I actually think that could do more harm than good as you’re both grieving. I would try and let it go.

Really sorry for your loss. It's really easy to find something or someone to direct that unspecified anger towards when your grief is raw, so if you need to bring it up with Mike, wait a few weeks.

I think the issue is your dad, not Mike. People like him don't change so it was up to your dad to tell him it wasn't appropriate. Don't bring it up with your dad or mum, them have their own loss to deal with, but recognise that this isn't your issue, even if you're hurting. Feel your annoyance, but recognise that you can't change anything and that you need to let it pass.

Take care.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

It is clear that you really don't like Mike, he's referred to as a 'random bloke' despite your parents knowing him for 15 years - you seem to think he leads your dad astray, we can't say whether that is true or not but by the sound of it Mike would have turned up at the funeral regardless of when it was held. Which does make me wonder why you are focusing so much on him? If the group had been larger, would it have felt better?

If you don't want to see Mike in future that is your choice, but it's not for your parents to sort that out for you so no, I wouldn't tell them especially after the event when they can't change what has happened.

When I read it Op, it's all about you.

You don't like Mike-your dad/parents obviously do-what would saying something achieve?

When you're the one issuing invitations then you invite who you want.

When you're not...

I know it's different atm,but funerals aren't all about knowing the person or not, but supporting/showing support for other mourners.

Mike sounds like a twat!! I agree that his motivation was to feel important/get out of the house/try and get a free buffet. My mum did a similar thing. Invited her best friend to my grandmother's funeral. She then jumped into the funeral car with us and chatted loudly and happily throughout. I thought that it was selfish of my mum to prioritize her friend over family. I didn't mind her attending, but she effectively elbowed other family out of the way by jumping into the car with us. But, it is over now and there is nothing to be gained by bringing it up. Your anger will recede. Perhaps you can just think of more subtle ways to express your annoyance at Mike, such as a sachet of laxatives in his drink at the next family BBQ!

@Dogwalks2 thanks for the link to your thread, it has been really helpful. And so sorry for what you went through, that must have been so hard. I really hope things are better for your situation now.

It seems everyone has different ideas about what funerals are really for and there especially seems to be a split between people who think there's a "main mourner" who should take precedence, or a whole family of mourners who share the loss fairly equally). And of course everything is different in these times too, as you don't get the usual "family time" before the funeral.

I definitely wouldn't have been annoyed if he'd been there at a normal funeral where we'd invited everyone and he'd been one of say 40 "guests". I know he's my dad's friend and that he knew my granddad so in that situation I would see it as respectful. It was just the fact it was supposed to be family only and then he "gatecrashed". And the fact that we haven't seen each other at all for nearly 3 months so it really should have been time for us to all bond but instead it was just awkward silence/his jokes.

I do see that the real issue here is my parents - as PP have pointed out, they like him enough to have him about and they also could have said no to him, but they didn't think about how it would affect the rest of us. Lots of people here seem to think that my dad's preference for the day should take precedence because he had the closest biological relationship to the deceased (and some people said similar on @Dog's thread too), so I guess I have to suck that up.

Anyway, as you all say, I don't want to upset my dad more during this time, so I really have to focus on having a plan of what to say if Mike brings anything up next time I see him, and of pre-empting this issue in future by telling my parents I don't want him there before any other family events.

I am so sorry for your loss, funerals are an important step in mourning and I think you feel that you have been denied this step because of mikes presence and attitude.

I think we all know a Mike, and usually their attendance and impact at events is diluted and tolerated because there are enough other people there to make them bearable, the mikes of this world often indeed serve a purpose in making people bond over their awfulness, I can think of similar occasions when eye rolling and subdued giggling behind closed doors almost reach hysteria as the emotion of a moment is focussed on a particular persons inappropriate remarks or behaviour.

But having said that, it is clear that for you mikes presence, in such a small gathering was unbearable, and I am sorry for that. The important thing to remember is that your family were able to be there to support each other and remember your grandpa, despite mikes intrusion, and there will be other times when you can get together and remember your grandpa and celebrate his life properly with a wider circle of family, friends, neighbours and colleagues.

One of the very sad things about this virus is that not only has it taken people from us in an untimely way, but it has disrupted the social processes that we are used to using to help us to both grieve and celebrate the lives of those we love.

ha @TiddlestheCat thanks for that, your post made me laugh!

And thank you @viques that was a lovely post. I think really underneath it all, I'm actually upset that my parents are happy to be friends with someone like Mike and I worry about the impact his "friendship" will have on them.

Always baffled by these posts that we are talking about adults here as opposed to very shy utterly socially inexperienced children.

If I felt behaviour was inappropriate at my beloved relatives funeral, I would quietly take aside and ask to tone down the jokes. I would simper and stew and start long drawn out mumsnet threads on it

It makes me worry about what more stuff he's going to do in future that my dad will just "go along with"

You have a lot on your plate. I don't think I would project into the future at the moment and what's done is done. Focus on the now. If your dad is not given to discuss deep feelings, I don't know what good it would to ask him why.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. It's a difficult time, made even more difficult by the current circumstances. I would try to focus on your grandfather and nice memories, and try not to let what happened take over, iykwim.

There were hundreds at my fathers funeral that I didn’t know, but they knew him.

It’s completely unreasonable to dictate who could attend.

You sound a bit selfish all me, me, me.

And jokes and talking about the weather at a very elderly persons funeral is not completely unexpected or uncommon

I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather.

Some people don’t read situations well and will do things they believe is expected of them and not pick up on the fact that it isn’t expected and they shouldn’t be doing whatever it is. Maybe Mike is in this category and believed he was supporting your dad or else genuinely liked like your grandfather and wanted to attend.

Grief makes being rational very difficult sometimes.

Sorry that your grandfather has died, and that your feelings have been so abraded by this man.

He sounds like the sort of tone-deaf person who tries to "cheer everyone up" when in reality they just want to be left alone to grieve, as befits the occasion.

This is subtly different but the first funeral I went to was for my own grandfather, and it was very difficult - I was 18 at the time, and it was my Dad's dad too - very emotional service for everyone. BUT afterwards, at the funeral tea - people were laughing, and cracking jokes and I was appalled. I didn't realise then that some people feel the need to move on and lift the atmosphere, when I felt that everyone should still be talking in hushed voices and being suitably grave and decorous.

I've learnt better since then, that it's part of people's need to not dwell, to move on and continue living - but I'll never forget that feeling of "how could you".

As I said, not really comparable, as at least my experience was after the funeral, not before/at it. But I do empathise - he's trivialised what was an important event for your family, and seemingly shown a lack of respect to your grandfather and the loss his death represents to you all. xx

I can empathise, OP - Mike sounds like my late, exMIL who couldn't see a funeral without wanting to insert herself into it, even to the extent of tantrumming if excluded from what were private family moments

PPs are right though that it's probably not worth bringing it up with your dad; your memories of your lovely GF are precious and that's what matters most of all
That said, if there's anything personal to you in future that you think Mike might want to gatecrash, you'd be perfectly justified in insisting he doesn't come, even if it means ringing him yourself

Have you been to many funerals OP? Other than ones for people who have died tragically or died younger than is the norm, most funerals aren't God awful mournful affairs but a time to remember and celebrate the life of the person who has sadly died.

Your father may have relied on Mike to raise the mood with his, what you deem inappropriate, jokes and conversation, to ensure the occasion wasn't too dreadful for him.

@SunbathingDragon I think you are right, he probably did think he was doing the right thing (and is also the type of bloke to be patting himself on the back today for doing such a good job and telling his wife what a good friend he is and how my dad must be so grateful he was there).

@Sodamncold I think that's right if it's between general mourners but the problem here was that there was such a disconnect between the deep grief felt by some of us (especially my sister and I) and the low level "oh it's a shame, he was a nice guy, but all old people die eventually and I'm just here to pay my respects" attitude of Mike. Nothing wrong with him having that attitude given he wasn't close to my grandfather but that is why it was so inappropriate to put himself in such a central position on the day.

I got lots of lovely messages from my friends but none of them tried to play a part in the day or impact the rest of my family in any way.

Bloomburger Thu 21-May-20 17:13:21
Have you been to many funerals OP? Other than ones for people who have died tragically or died younger than is the norm, most funerals aren't God awful mournful affairs but a time to remember and celebrate the life of the person who has sadly died.

Your father may have relied on Mike to raise the mood with his, what you deem inappropriate, jokes and conversation, to ensure the occasion wasn't too dreadful for him.
.........
I agree with the above.

This is a hard time for all, op, but you are being annoyed at something which really isn't very much of a big deal in the scheme of things. I expect Mike provided some comfort for your dad and you had the family to yourself afterwards in your parents' garden so why worry now?

Anyway thanks everyone, it's been helpful to remember that everyone grieves in different ways and it probably was helpful for my dad to have someone there to "lighten the mood" as some of you have put it, seeing as he doesn't express feelings himself, so maybe he found it a bit much that my sister and I were in tears.

I'm definitely going to try to focus on the memories as that's what's actually important here. Hopefully I can just avoid Mike as much as possible in future.

Conkers
I’m sorry you didn’t get the funeral you were expecting with close family only. Had mike been one of many, he’d have been yabbering bollocks at all the other mourners and your family would have been left to grieve after in an intimate group.

Do remember you do not have to be polite to this man. He had no regard for his feelings. Tbh with this buffoon, there is nothing wrong with saying things like, “give it a rest” or even “shut up mike” “you were incredibly rude at my grandmother’s funeral” “I don’t like you mike”. Etc.

Sugartits
Talk about completely missing the point. There were hundreds at my fathers funeral too. Many of whom I didn’t know. There was nothing wrong with them being there as we weren’t in lockdown. You’ve made your post all about you!

Thanks @ThumbWitchesAbroad that must have been really difficult at such a young age, especially if it's your first experience of it.

To be fair, we had normal conversation and even laughed at jokes etc later on in my parents' garden so it wasn't doom and gloom all day. It was just a particularly emotional time during the service itself, which was only 30 minutes and definitely greatly heightened by the fact it was the first time we'd seen each other since the death.

Remember that had this been a normal funeral in normal times, there's have been lots of other mourners who'd have 'got in the way' of you only interacting with your family. And they'd mostly be light heartedly chatting afterwards because that's what people do.