To not tell the midwife about this..

[GreenWillowTree]

I have got my first midwife appointment soon. It is going to be on the phone. I am having my second baby and I know one of the questions they ask you is about being a victim of abuse and social services.

In a previous relationship I was a victim of domestic abuse. This started when I was pregnant and I left when my baby was little. I went to the police for help. They referred me to social services but I didn’t see anyone as I had already left my husband and moved away so they said they didn’t need to see me.

Do I need to tell the midwife about this.? I am at no risk and neither is my baby. I have a lovely home a supportive family and a good job. I don’t want to be seen as a problem family but I obviously don’t want to lie either.

The thread yesterday about the family having lots of children taken away really upset me. Because people were make lots of comments about people who are victims of domestic abuse and how they don’t protect their children. How mums who are victims of DV have it written on their notes and people watch for them harming their baby. I did everything to protect my child.

No I wouldn't.

But OP surely the question is have you EVER been a victim, AND referred to SS, meaning with current partner?

I would answer any question I was asked truthfully, but I wouldn't offer any extra info if they don't.

I can't remember how they phrase the question but if it does come up I'd say 'I left an abusive relationship X years ago'. Don't lie, it'll look bad if it ever did become an issue (it must likely won't).

Personally, I would say. What they will be looking at is risk to this baby. You had prior involvement with Social Work, but that concluded that no ongoing input was needed because you had insight into the dangers your ex posed yourself and had managed to get away from the situation. Surely this is a positive outcome for all concerned.

I think it shows your continued insight that you are able to reflect on this to your midwife. I think that they would be more concerned if you didn't say- could be construed as withholding information on this- when you actually have nothing to hide.

All the best with your pregnancy OP.

God this is awful. And yes it seems like victim blaming to me. Just because a woman was in an abusive relationship before doesn’t mean she will go in to another one.

I don’t think it’s relevant to your situation now and I’d only speak about it if she said she already knew. If she says she it’s here on your records that XYZ’ I’d reply with ‘ that was years ago and totally irrelevant’

I think it’s awful that this can follow a woman round for years yet nothing like this happens to a man. Intact you have to apply to different agencies to see if a man abusive!

Women shouldn’t have to bare there lives just to tick boxes.

They probably will ask . They even asked me if DH or myself had any involvement when we were kids. DH had so I told them , didn't have time to think when put on the spot and I'm always too honest for my own good
It was never mentioned again though

Then I was worried for ages that dh would find out I'd told them that and i his my maternity notes from him! As I know he wouldn't have wanted them to know

Hid*

My advice would be to say the bare minimum - 'i left an abusive relationship x years ago and needed no SS or other support. There is no abuse in my current relationship'.

Stick to facts and don't get drawn into any emotion or engage with any further questions - answer with 'it's irrelevant, the abusive situation was x years ago and I dealt with it by leaving'

I don't think you need to worry as you acted exactly right last time, got your self and your baby to safety and SS didn't need to get involved. I think you could probably say that without there being any consequences. SS are busy, they'll take one look at your file (if htere even is one) and decide you're fine.

Good luck.

Don't think you need to worry OP, you sound like you're a great mum and protected your child, just for clarity though they do ask you about previous relationships. I had my booking in appointment over the phone last Friday and they asked

• was I currently suffering from domestic abuse
• have I ever suffered from domestic abuse and if so when/circumstances
• am I known to social services to have you ever needed support from social services.

Just so you know what to expect. All the best

I think it must vary by area (well, probably by midwife) as I had my booking appointment a couple of months ago and was only asked if my family had a social worker. You can truthfully say no to that.

@feelsoshitnow that is absolutely awful. I can’t believe that happened to you. I am pleased I didn’t post this on NM.

@showmethegin and @Dg556f it is interesting that two different midwives asked different questions one that would be a problem and one wouldn’t.

I know social services are unlikely to be interested in me. They weren’t at the time but i do worry that it will affect my maternity care. That I will be seen as a less capable mother. I also sometimes work with social workers professionally and I would be mortified if they came to investigate me.

OP - I don't think you need to mention anything about the past

Women shouldn’t have to bare there lives just to tick boxes.

^^ this

I understand safe guarding concerns but women are not just becoming a vessel to grow the baby after they get pregnant and are still entitled to privacy. My situation with my ex had absolutely nothing to do with my life when I got pregnant and I wasn't prepared at all to share one of my most horrible past personal experiences with a stranger just so she could tick some boxes.

I was in am abusive relationship when I was 16 to 18. 23 years ago. I was only asked about current relationship as I would have remembered if it was past and thought how ridiculous it was. My midwife only ever asked and it was a quick q at nbooking appt.

They’re asking whether you’re being abused right now, not whether you ever have been. You don’t need to tell them about this.