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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell the midwife about this..

93 replies

GreenWillowTree · 21/05/2020 10:07

I have got my first midwife appointment soon. It is going to be on the phone. I am having my second baby and I know one of the questions they ask you is about being a victim of abuse and social services.

In a previous relationship I was a victim of domestic abuse. This started when I was pregnant and I left when my baby was little. I went to the police for help. They referred me to social services but I didn’t see anyone as I had already left my husband and moved away so they said they didn’t need to see me.

Do I need to tell the midwife about this.? I am at no risk and neither is my baby. I have a lovely home a supportive family and a good job. I don’t want to be seen as a problem family but I obviously don’t want to lie either.

The thread yesterday about the family having lots of children taken away really upset me. Because people were make lots of comments about people who are victims of domestic abuse and how they don’t protect their children. How mums who are victims of DV have it written on their notes and people watch for them harming their baby. I did everything to protect my child.

OP posts:
feelsoshitnow · 21/05/2020 13:20

I really wouldn't say anything and honestly don't think it would look like you were hiding things if anyone found out.

When my son was 12/13, his dad (who I left when pregnant due to violence), tried to rape me and kill us both (he hadn't been violent since I left him and never had been before to our son).

He went to prison for what happened, and I had a letter from SS saying it'd been referred to them, but "no further action".

Several years later I got pregnant with my second child. I was asked about previous SS involvement, and told them honestly no, as it never crossed my mind that a letter would be involvement. I was also diagnosed as bipolar at this time, and the consultant did ask about this, but CMHT told them I was fine.

So no, I don't see why not seeing from SS for a previous relationship that you left and protected your baby, would have any bearing now.

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 21/05/2020 13:30

I had ss involvement when I had dc1 due to her "father" being abusive. I think I mentioned it at dc2 midwife appointment but as quite a few years had passed by that point and the risk factors had gone (as had ss) they said it didn't matter and so I didn't bother saying anything else for dc3&4.
Dont worry what you decide, the midwife isn't there to judge you for past events, especially if they have no bearing on your life now

AgentJohnson · 21/05/2020 13:30

Tell her the truth. You getting out of an abusive relationship says more about you, then having been in one.

As unpleasant as your past relationship was, it has contributed to the bad ass that you are now. Be proud of who you are, lying implies shame and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Congratulations!

feelsoshitnow · 21/05/2020 13:30

Actually this thread has just brought up a nasty memory.

I was on Netmums during my third pregnancy and had postnatal anxiety.

My health visitor wasn't at all concerned as my second child (a year old then), was well cared for, I just worried a lot.

I posted quite a lot on Netmums threads, and there was one about DV. I gave my experience on what had happened nearly a decade before.

I had an email from Netmums, saying they'd contacted my HV advising her to contact SS re; my previous experience. I explained that I'd split up with the violent ex over 20yrs previously and my son was now an adult, and I was supporting a poster. They still didn't care and thought I needed support in case I got in an abusive relationship again ! They were very miffed when my HV brused off their concerns and said I was fine.

They later apologised thinking I was talking about my current partner (?). It sent me extra anxious though, and I phoned my CPN in tears. I never did use Netmums after that.

EveryoneLoves09876 · 21/05/2020 13:34

They would find out and that would look WAY worse! Your situation is not unusual (sadly!) they'd want to support you. Even social workers know it's best to keep baby with the mum if they can and clearly you're not a risk anyway.

EllaAlright · 21/05/2020 13:37

If you have other children, they do usually ask if you’ve had social services involvement at the booking in. My oldest is 18, my youngest 2 and my midwife asked me if I’d ever been referred or had any involvement with social services.

BlueJava · 21/05/2020 13:40

I wouldn't even mention it. The moment you mention something they can latch on to it - nevermind you aren't in danger now etc then the whole thing can annoying become the wrong conversation and they entirely miss the point of what you need now Tell them what you really need and want them to know and leave out what you dont.

PumpkinP · 21/05/2020 13:41

When they ask if ss has ever been involved they mean if your child has ever been on a plan like cin of cp not just a referral! Jesus imagine how many malicious referrals there are why should that have to follow someone around even if it didn’t go anywhere.

Carblover · 21/05/2020 13:42

Your midwife is their to support you not judge,unfortunately some take their safeguarding responsibility a little too far
They are expected to ask the questions around DA to decide whether you need to be offered extra support , as its fact that 30% of Domestic abuse starts in pregnancy

As a retired safeguarding midwife of over 35yrs as a midwife 20 in safeguarding, I would say when they ask, you just say actually I have to been in an abusive relationship which i took my child and I got out ,i am confident I now know all of the warning signs to look for ,but I am in a happy relationship and have no concerns
There should be no reason for the midwife to openly document any of this or make any referrals as it doesn't meet any criteria it is about the current pregnancy and it will help the midwife to know , just in case your circumstances change and you do need help,
Getting out of a DA relationship is always seen as positive protection of your child by any HCP or SCP
Congratulations and good luck

Tootletum · 21/05/2020 13:47

This is controversial: I would tell an experienced midwife, but not a brand new one. If they are experienced they will apply judgement to whether they tick that box based on the information you provide. So if you said it was in the past, different father, they'd agree to move on. A new midwife would just tick the box to err on the side of caution and could set off all sorts of unnecessary follow-ups. I once admitted to a new midwife that I had got drunk when I didn't know I was pregnant, i.e. at two weeks pregnant and that I was terrified. She said "well, that was a bad idea and we will only know if you have damaged your baby when it's born". Massively upsetting.

Comps83 · 21/05/2020 13:49

@feelsoshitnow
Wtf! That's terrible! I didn't realise that could happen, I'll be careful what I write from now on .

CherryStoneTree · 21/05/2020 13:50

Lovely I would tell them. When they ask say your previous relationship was abusive, you left and had help and now have a lovely supportive family and know this is different. Job done, you don’t have to stress they are going to “find out” the whole pregnancy. They won’t ask again and will leave it be.

SunbathingDragon · 21/05/2020 13:53

I would tell her if asked because if it is on your notes or is discovered and you haven’t said anything, it will probably raise a concern that you are hiding things.

Rubyroost · 21/05/2020 14:06

No

Rubyroost · 21/05/2020 14:08

They ask about present relationships there's. no reason to tell them. God k ows why people are saying they'll find out and you'll look worse. 🙄 They don't have a right to go snooping.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 21/05/2020 14:18

(Almost) midwife here. If you’ve had SS involvement with your family then you should be honest about that. It’s much, much better to be up front as these things can come out later and cause a bigger problem than was necessary. Your midwife will not think any less of you for being in a previously abusive relationship, you didn’t do anything wrong. We see it every day. They just want to make sure that you and the baby are safe and well. You are with a new partner now and they will likely just make a note on the system about your history. I would advise you disclose it personally but it’s up to you.

Lemonpink88 · 21/05/2020 14:21

You do need to but just explain as you have done so here OP. Don’t lie or be secretive that would concern professionals. Just be sensible, services are stretched to their limits you have prioritised ur child in the past that’s all & therefore of no concern to ss. All the best with ur pregnancy

MindyStClaire · 21/05/2020 14:27

The abuse question is in regards to your current situation not your past

I was specifically asked about previous relationships during this pregnancy (can't remember about previously) because previous domestic abuse is a risk factor for future abuse (on a population, not doubting OP at all about her current relationship). I'm in NI so maybe the guidelines are different here.

I can't remember every being asked anything like this. I am wondering if they only ask people if there is something in their notes.

Every woman should be asked this, more than once. I've been asked at antenatal and postnatal midwife appointments, at EPU and by my health visitor. No concerns in my notes whatsoever, I've been with DH since we were 18 and he's a loving and supportive partner.

doughnutmuffin · 21/05/2020 14:30

I was never asked this with either of my pregnancies, they did ask about my partner and domestic violence but not if I'd ever been a victim in the past. I would be honest as I don't think anything will come of it

Mansmansmum · 21/05/2020 14:32

Tell if asked.
If you don't tell they may see it from your notes and it will look as if you are hiding something (so there could be more concern and probing).
If you do tell then you can confirm that you took every step to protect yourself and baby by ending that relationship and there is no longer any risk (so they will offer support if needed but have no concerns).

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/05/2020 14:32

This seems really victim blaming to me? Maybe that's not how it's intended.

speakout · 21/05/2020 14:45

Is that even a question they ask?

I have been pregnant twice and never been asked if I was a victim of domestic abuse.

Original poster
GreenWillowTree · 21/05/2020 14:47

They do definitely ask. I think it is a good idea to phone the GP and see if it is in my notes.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 21/05/2020 14:50

Is this a new thing? My DCs are adults and it was never asked of me.

I can only assume it means in the current setting or relationship, not going back years.

You won't be breaking any law by keeping your previous experience to yourself. Why do posters think something may be found out and be an issue in future?

Melroses · 21/05/2020 14:50

I had an email from Netmums, saying they'd contacted my HV advising her to contact SS re; my previous experience. Shock

I wouldn't say anything - it is about your current relationship and supposed to be a way for you to get in touch with help as pregnancy & birthis a time that abuse increases - unless there are problems with your ex?

Also, do look up the Freedom Programme. It is worth doing.