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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell the midwife about this..

93 replies

GreenWillowTree · 21/05/2020 10:07

I have got my first midwife appointment soon. It is going to be on the phone. I am having my second baby and I know one of the questions they ask you is about being a victim of abuse and social services.

In a previous relationship I was a victim of domestic abuse. This started when I was pregnant and I left when my baby was little. I went to the police for help. They referred me to social services but I didn’t see anyone as I had already left my husband and moved away so they said they didn’t need to see me.

Do I need to tell the midwife about this.? I am at no risk and neither is my baby. I have a lovely home a supportive family and a good job. I don’t want to be seen as a problem family but I obviously don’t want to lie either.

The thread yesterday about the family having lots of children taken away really upset me. Because people were make lots of comments about people who are victims of domestic abuse and how they don’t protect their children. How mums who are victims of DV have it written on their notes and people watch for them harming their baby. I did everything to protect my child.

OP posts:

Fundays12 · 21/05/2020 12:08

Tell the midwife but start it with in a previous relationship and make sure she knows you left to protect your child and yourself. It will be on record somewhere the a referral was made so if you don’t tell them it looks like you are hiding something.

You have proven already your child’s safety is the most important thing to you by leaving a terrible situation. You are now having a new baby with someone else. Congrats on your baby and well done for being so strong.

Dillybear · 21/05/2020 12:12

Congratulations on your pregnancy! And well done for putting your child first and leaving that relationship.

I don’t think the midwife will ask as in depth questions about your relationship history, but if she does there’s no harm in telling the truth. From what you’re saying there is no risk to your child (or you) now, which is the only thing that matters.

Even if she went completely over the top and made a referral to children’s services (which would be inappropriate given what you’ve said) I doubt it would even be followed up. You certainly wouldn’t meet the threshold criteria for any kind of intervention. I wouldn’t worry.

meow1989 · 21/05/2020 12:14

You would be proving you can put the Interests of your child first by the actions you took and it will be seen as a strength not a weakness.

However if you neglect to mention it or deny it and later a professional is informed then it wont look great.

It's nothing to be ashamed of you should be proud that you did what you did, well done.

PumpkinP · 21/05/2020 12:15

OH come on this site is crazy, do not tell her!! There is no need at all, it’s not a current situation and is totally irrelevant, it isn’t worth any extra hassle and it’s in the past, those who think ss would just want to offer help have obviously never met a bad one, it’s not a current situation and you don’t need them involved.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/05/2020 12:17

I'd tell her. Mainly because it might be of use to her to know, just in case ou have any issues, no matter how unrelated.

You are anxious enough now, just thinking about it. You will probably feel far less anxious when you tell her and she nods and carries on with little or no comment. You need to have a secure and trusting relationship with her... so start off honestly and trusting. DOn't leave oruself with a niggling doubt/anxiety.

PrivateD00r · 21/05/2020 12:19

My worry is that the whole appointment will be about how I am a risk. I have a medical condition that can affect pregnancy and I am worried that I won’t get the right care especially with Coronavirus

Please have more faith in your midwife! He or she will only be concerned with keeping you and your baby safe - historical abuse is noted and you may be asked now and again if everything is ok, but it certainly won't influence your care. Your current condition will not be ignored!

beachysandy81 · 21/05/2020 12:19

I can't remember every being asked anything like this. I am wondering if they only ask people if there is something in their notes. Don't lie but just say that you are in a happy relationship. If she asks about past relationships, just say that you left so it is no longer relevant.

em90792 · 21/05/2020 12:30

Mine flagged up on the system. Possibly through doctors notes for antidepressants and counselling. So she may already know deoending on your circumstances. She will ask you while your partner isnt present either way. She requested to weigh me in a differnt room and just quickly asked quietly. I said there was no issues and that was it.
I've never had social services or anything involved, that's also another question they will ask. I wouldnt worry, but I'd defo be honest. It's there so they can offer additional support if needed.

Selfsettling3 · 21/05/2020 12:32

They will ask if your children have been referred for SS. You need to tell the truth.

PotteringAlong · 21/05/2020 12:33

You need to tell them. If you lie and you get flagged up in the system as having lies it looks like you’ve lied for a reason. Just tell the truth, exactly like you have here.

Savingshoes · 21/05/2020 12:39

Phone your GP surgery, ask them what is on your medical records with regards to previous action plans etc for your 1st baby.
Certain parts of your records are not viewable to community teams and hospital staff without your consent.
Once you are clear with what is available to your midwife, you can then make a decision on what information you choose to share with her.
If they ask, I would probably word it in a way that shows that you are pro active.
E.g. "no DV, I'm a survivour of dv and I ensured my 1st born and I got the relevant emotional support from counselling and hv."
Or "that relationship is in the past and I removed myself and my 1st born away because our wellbeing is so important. We have a great family network and I've never looked back"

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 21/05/2020 12:41

I had my booking in appointment over the phone last week. I was asked about my current relationship and that was it. I can't remember if I was asked about social services involvement. I think, OP, just listen to the question, and answer it honestly whatever it is. Concealment has the potential to be much more of a red flag than revealing DV years ago in a relationship you left to safeguard yourself and your child.

ToothFairyNemesis · 21/05/2020 12:42

No op you don’t need to say anything because you will only be asked about your current relationship. Midwives also do not have access to your medical records.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 21/05/2020 12:42

And if they do refer you, it will be out of caution, not concern, and I can't imagine SS will do more than pick up the phone to check that you're OK.

BertieBotts · 21/05/2020 12:47

I have a friend who is currently pregnant and has a medical condition as well. She has been treated well despite finding some of the coronavirus precautions to be strange/inconvenient. Please don't worry - you will be treated well. Share any worries that you have with your midwife, but if the abuse relates to a previous relationship and not the father of your baby, then I don't think it is relevant and you could choose not to mention it. But please don't think you need to hide it in case it puts you "on a list" - it doesn't work like that.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 12:51

I didn't know that asking about domestic abuse was a routine antenatal question; it wasn't in my day.

I'd say it is up to you whether or not to tell the midwife. It sounds as though you are OK now. I wouldn't tell her, I'd hate to be labelled.

Malysh · 21/05/2020 12:52

I wouldn't want to disclose that information. It is incredibly intrusive and irksome that you'd be expected to reveal personal, intimate information that bear nl relevance whatsoever on your current circumstances.

People say "it will look bad if you lie" but I don't see how keeping private info confidential is the same as lying. The midwife doesn't have a right to know every detail of your past.

Giving you a chance to seek help if you need it is great, but it certainly shouldn't turn into a mandatory confession of your whole life.

I wouldn't mention it. If she finds out and asks, I'd say I didn't mention it because it didn't seem relevant. Which is true.

DontRockTheB0at · 21/05/2020 12:55

I would advise telling her. It will flag up anyway then she’ll know that you chose not to disclose if.

Keha · 21/05/2020 12:58

I work in social care, social services are not going to be interested. If she asks about past relationships and abuse I'd tell her the basics, if she just asks about now I wouldn't bother. If she asks about previous contact with social services, just tell her. I think it's important to try and have an honest and relationship and feel like you can trust the midwife. She's not there judging you or waiting for problems to leap on. Just be honest and straightforward and tell her if you are worried about what she might do etc. As some previous person said, you will routinely get asked questions about domestic abuse, it's not aimed at you.

Greenmarmalade · 21/05/2020 13:03

I wouldn’t tell the midwife, but as pp have said, I don’t think you’ll be asked.

I left an abusive relationship when pregnant. Social services wanted my children’s names when they were born, but I refused, and haven’t been approached by them since.

Keha · 21/05/2020 13:06

Also, if the past referral wasn't pursued then I'm not sure it will "flag" anything.

Honeybee85 · 21/05/2020 13:11

I was in the same situation as you OP though I didn't have a child from my previous relationship with abusive ex.

I didn't mention it because a) it is the past and has nothing to do with my current situation, this man was and is completely out of my life b) I wasn't the abusive one, he was and probably still is. By leaving him, the chapter is closed.

My reasoning was that this has absolutely nothing to do with my life now and so it was none of her business. She is my midwife, not someone hiring me to work for secret service so she doesn't need to know very private details of my life that were in the past and do not influence my current situation in any way.

Fruitytootie · 21/05/2020 13:11

Imo it doesn't need mentioning.

Happymum12345 · 21/05/2020 13:18

You’re not in a violent or abusive relationship now, so I don’t see why the midwife needs to know about your past. You could tell her later if you feel you need or want to.

MrsPerfect12 · 21/05/2020 13:19

I think they ask for present relationship surely. The past is irrelevant in this situation. I'd answer the question based on how it was asked and I don't see why they would ask about previous relationships.
Congratulations and well done for getting out of that situation.

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