To not know how to be happy

[Pinkpickles]

Posting for advice as I don’t know if the issue is me and my general attitude or my life as it is.

I have a good job, a nice house, lovely holidays (excepting COVID), good relationships with family and a small circle of friends. Yet despite all this- I’m not happy. I just feel unfulfilled, like I’m floating through life and bored of it all.

I find little things I’m not happy with e.g. no ‘chemistry’ in relationship, sex not good enough, need more holidays/ days out...But I’m starting to wonder if I just don’t know how to be happy?

Waffle over, need help with:

• is the problem me or my life? Do I need to change my life?
• how have other mumsnetters found happiness?!

I find daily gratitudes and coming off social media really helps.
Even mumsnet where everyone lives in a mansion and has a million pounds in the pension pot by 35 made me feel shit, so I avoid those threads now and focus on what I DO have. I am so lucky to have our own home, a decent garden, to have been able to have kids, to have a stable job in these times. I also have some serious negatives in my life, as in bereavement, serious health condition and just lost half our income due to covid but dwelling on those just drags me down. It is hard work but changing your mindset to a positive one really helps.
I can’t help you with the sex though, if you’re dissatisfied in that department, you need to talk to your OH although I suspect you just fancy a good old romance film bit of passion from someone other than him! Frequent in mid life.

I think you on paper should be contented. I always think of the Smiths line "I'm not happy and I'm not sad". That to me is the norm, sadness and happiness come in brief spells.

How old are you? How long are you in your current relationship - did you "settle" or did you have chemistry with your OH initially and are now just in a slump?

If the relationship with your partner isn't right nothing will feel right IME

Hard to know from your post whether you need to make changes or not or if you are depressed or just flat.

You say there’s no chemistry in your relationship and you don’t always enjoy sex: I notice you don’t mention your partner as one of the things to be grateful for. Are you in the right relationship?

Of course you can’t guarantee butterflies in the stomach in a long settled relationship but it jumps out a bit in your post as if you find it a chore so worth investigating.

There are other things you can do to boost your ability to enjoy your life but worth looking into this. It’s hard to be really deep down happy if you’re with the wrong person.

Thank you all- this is incredibly helpful in helping me sort my thoughts! @RedHelenB your post resonated as I think I expect to be happy most of the time and feel upset when I’m just meh.

@thepeopleversuswork and @Colom I think that’s the crux of my problem- my partner is a great best friend, attractive, slim, successful but the chemistry and sex hasn’t really ever been there. But then sometimes I think I’m expecting buckets of lust/passion when the reality is most 10yr long relationships wouldn’t have that anymore! And actually what I have is a solid, loving, reliable partner. I guess I just can’t work out if it is my attitude to life or my relationship that needs to change :D. I don’t want to leave in search of utopia and find out what I had was pretty damn good!!

If it helps I’m 30, female, no DC yet!

This is such a good post on something that could never be said in real life because people would respond the wrong way.

That’s exactly it @babasaclover - I could never say this in real life!

Appreiate the little things.
Be greatful for what you have.
Do not compare our life to others/moovies/books.
Find one area of your life you want to focus on. For instance have a date night with youroh once a wk. Ok at mo you can,t go anyway but you can go for a walk together, have a romantic night in, watch a romantic moovie Reignite that spark. But full on romance/passion I don,t think is real life.

my partner is a great best friend, attractive, slim, successful but the chemistry and sex hasn’t really ever been there.

My money is on this being the problem. I was also in a 10 year relationship for all my 20's with a man who had all the attributes you've listed. We was truly a wonderful soul. I felt I "should" have been happy but I wasn't. I had most definitely settled as the chemistry was never there to begin with.

Though it was very very difficult to do it to him I did eventually end the relationship. Met my DH soon after and have two DCs and even with the slog of children and domesticity I still find my DH attractive in a way I never did with my ex. We still have that chemistry and I don't question things the way I did. When I ruminate on what would have happened if I had married my ex I feel such relief - I would have been trapped in an unhappy life.

You only get one life, make sure you're spending it with the right person

I could have written this OP, always nit picking at my own life!

Yes, I have some things to be very upset about right now but in reality even when everything was pretty much perfect I still found issues.

I don’t know what the answer is, just wanted to say you’re not alone

@Pinkcat231 that’s exactly what I can’t work out- if I’m just nit-picking at everything!

I am a perfectionist and maybe I just expect too much of my life and partner and for it to be a bundle of laughs all the time... just can’t work it out- is my life the problem or am I!

What would your perfect life be? Take time to imagine that and write it down.

Is it your life now but with with more chemistry with your DH or is it something quite different altogether?

Have you ever had chemistry in other relationships? If not, do you know what you like sexually?

I think it's a good time to evaluate your life pre kids as it gets harder to make changes after kids.

I think being with a partner with who you have no spark and an unsatisfactory sex life is quite a significant thing and likely to leave you feeling like ‘something is missing’.

I left a long term relationship like this in my late 20s. I bet my now husband soon after, it was such a different experience. We don’t have much of a sex life now with small children but I know the spark is still there. With my ex it never was, it was a ‘good’ relationship in so many ways and I couldn’t see what was lacking until I was in the right relationship.

I think it’s your relationship OP

The grass is rarely always greener... she said darkly.