To totally reevaluate friendships and family relationships because of Covid?

[Spacepocket]

Feeling a bit flat with the slow realisation about how little effort my friends have put into our friendships over the years.
I’ve suggested and then organised countless meet ups, coffees. nights out. All met with enthusiasm and I thought these were true friendships.
I’ve just been scrolling through my phone and realised that during the lockdown, I’ve initiated every single group or individual conversation. I’ve asked how they’re doing, I’ve offered support when someone has been struggling. And yet not one person has asked me how I’m doing/how my kids are doing.
Same with family. I’m feeling sad but also not that bothered if that makes sense? My job has been on the absolute frontline and I have been scared shitless at times, but I’ve never wavered. DH and kids have been amazing and I’m struggling with the realisation that I literally can’t be bothered contacting anyone else again.
Anyone else feeling similar? Please be kind

I actually set up a Facebook group for those of us in this situation. But no-one apart from me has joined!

I am not going to judge anyone whilst lockdown is on. I might relieve a bit of stress about have bad the neighbours are having fun whilst I am at work but I don't really mean it... I hope everyone is ok as I am struggling mostly.

And yes I am rubbish at contacting people atm.

I’m struggling with keeping in touch just now. And I’m normally the contacter! This period is overwhelming. Nobody has anything much to say, I certainly don’t. I just don’t have anything to offer right now apart from some light meme based contact. However if I thought a friend might need me I’d hope they’d let me know and I’d do anything I could to help. Sorry for rambling I’m just trying to say now is not a good time to judge people that way.

I agree with the whole ‘world has shrunk’ thing, I think a lot of people are almost hibernating to get through this, op. Personally I’m finding with the house full again and working full time, I’m quite busy and sometimes find it hard to get ‘alone’ time to chat to friends. Also, some people are stressed out for all sorts of reasons and are struggling to cope and that mightn’t be apparent. Try not to take it too personally - it isn’t you

Really good post. Sometimes people are having a horrible time and u dont realise....

"23Bluebird3456

I just want to offer a different perspective, although I'm not minimising what you're feeling, I think you might be BU without realising.

My first point is the usual corona one: that this isn't a normal situation and I really think we need to cut people some slack. There seem to be quite a lot of "my friends aren't doing enough" threads lately, and equally abundant "I'm overwhelmed and can't cope" threads. Maybe the friends that seem to not be doing enough are the same ones that are at or near breaking point?

My second point is that when groups are formed (even groups of two), people fall into roles. If you're usually the one to instigate conversation then that will continue through habit. That's become your role: you control the amount of contact. It doesn't mean your friend doesn't enjoy your conversation, it just means she's happy with the level of contact you have so she doesn't feel the need to instigate any additional contact, because you're already doing it. If you've stepped back, she might not have realised or she might just be sticking to her role: she's the one who replies. It sounds simplistic but it's really easy to get into these routines and people don't break them quickly.

The third point is from my own perspective: I reeeeeally dislike talking about my feelings. So if someone asks me I'll do a quick "I'm fine, how are you?" but I generally won't elaborate even if I'm exhausted/overwhelmed/my leg's falling off etc. I do appreciate that people ask but I don't like the conversation, so I generally won't ask others either. I will of course listen and try to help if they venture information but I don't like to pry. Obviously you know your friends but some people are just more private, and it could be possible that they see things similar to me.

I think in general as an adult if you want help you have to ask for it, which includes emotional support. You could say "I'm having a rough day and need to rant, do you have 5 minutes?" etc.

Obviously might be off base but just wanted to suggest alternative viewpoint. Sorry that was long.

I felt like this pre lock down too. It was my birthday in January and I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 17 years and thought we were friends but not one of them sent me a card. I’m recently divorced and on my own. It made me reflect on the friendship and for the past few years it’s always been me who organised meeting up. So I decided to stop and not bother anymore. Which means In lockdown I’ve had none of the virtual zoom night outs everyone is talking about. However it was one of there birthdays last week and I felt bad letting it pass so I asked if she would like a zoom party expecting her to say no and she said yes. So I organised it joined for a bit and left early. One my sisters too has not made contact with me at all. It’s always me who calls her so I stopped to see how long it would take and I’ve now not spoken to her for a month.

I’m definitely reevaluating all my relationships and will now only invest in ones where the effort seems balanced and equal

This is a painful thread,
I have to finally accept that all the people I know, including my family, some of whom live in my own household. Aren't interested if I'm OK
None of H's large family have rung or messaged me.
4 of my 4 best friends have been mostly silent
My adult DC take it all for granted
My H is mute.

I live in a void

Totally agree with you. Sometimes life shows us who our real friends are.

Fully acknowledge that these are strange times for everyone but this is really about the realisation that I’m ok with stepping back. It’s friends and family who’ve never made an effort but were more than willing to engage BEFORE covid that I am talking about.
I’d never judge or criticise anyone who is having a tough time maintaining friendships BECAUSE of covid.

Sometimes it takes a global pandemic to show you the best and worst of people

Start having a think about what you can do when this is all over to find better friends. Might be hobby groups, work socials - anything. But you need better people around you because loads of the”friends” on here sound horrendous

@Bluebird3456

I agree well enough with your first and third points.

I do agree somewhat with point two - we all have different personalities that fit us into different roles in relationships.

But this is about when there's a clear imbalance. You wouldn't tell a woman that she ought to do 100% of a traditional wifely role if she were complaining of it, so long as her husband was doing the 100% husband traditional role? Why is friendship different?

In my example, my sister didn't contact me for SIX WEEKS. Not because she was too busy. She's been on bloody Twitter and Facebook plenty, let alone anything else.

Regardless of our normal roles, she didn't miss whatever fulfilling those roles normally mean to her.

I have another friend with whom I have a distinct dynamic. We both haven't been in touch much. We both apologised and checked in with each other anyway.

Noticing whether or not someone in your life is communicating is like the bare minimum of having a relationship. Even if all you can do is send back and forth messages apologising for being shit and reaching out.

@cooldarkroom You're not alone. I'll be in your void with you.

Thecats thank you for that. More clarity.

HuggyBuggy ! Thank you,
This thread kickstarted me into action, I have sent several short WhatsApp massages to key people. I replied !!
Decided to be the bigger/nicer person.

1 replied

Also regardless "roles" there are "I saw this and thought of you moments" that transcend roles, and relative importance of friendships.

E.g. A big event that I go to every year was cancelled, obviously. On the day, I got SO many messages from friends and colleagues, because they knew I was missing out. Including many people I haven't a particularly close relationship with.

Regardless of roles, you'd think someone who cares about you would manage to fit you in for something like that if they meant a lot to you.

(And by meant something, I mean in a practical not theoretical way)

I know Nell. Find that with family suit themselves. I suit myself alot more. Friendship is 2 way if people want to get in touch!

Only accepting rides on 2 way streets from here on in!

I think even if you don’t want to read up on lots of feminism theory it’s quite good to get familiar with the idea of Wifework.

Women who don’t roll over and offer 100% of their emotional labour and attention for the benefit of others are bullied or labelled “weird””selfish””lonely”.

Then you end up being manipulated into being the unpaid carer/organiser/volunteer/shoulder to cry on/drama dumping ground for everyone.

My lightbulb moment came early 30s .

I think I was getting better at putting up boundaries at that stage of my life.

I was in a new city and started part time in a big workplace and realised how many new people I met there would “probe” to check if I was a pushover

They were very explicitly interested in being my friend until they worked out I wasn’t going to spend ages chasing them and they couldn’t “use” me.

I mean I was lonely and genuinely up for reciprocated friendships and don’t mind say suggesting a bar etc.

but it was like a lot of people were like “I’ll hang out with you if you do all the planning, but I won’t let you know if I can come till the last minute”.

Wtf? it’s just rude and passive aggressive.

I’m reasonably physically ok looking and I’ve organised my life and finances so I’m quite independent and I’m working towards career/study goals and I think this was a factor.

It’s like some people were angry at this and felt that my time and attention should be directed to “friendship” when none of these “alleged” friends had my best interests at heart.

The level of vitriol directed at me for not thinking - “I now need to spend my weekends being the shoulder to cry on/organising nights out for other people to come to“ was huge.

I’m not from a privileged background, but apparently a single woman wanting to spend her weekend solo doing yoga and seeing art and sitting in a cafe is “stuck up” and I should have been sitting there on WhatsApp pleading with everyone to come be my friend

Then dumped me socially as soon as I stopped prioritising their needs over mine.

It was very lonely as no one likes rejection and of course you get FOMO.

But we only get one life and being mindful of and losing users was helpful for my self esteem and confidence.

Reading this thread has at least made me realise I'm not the only person who feels like this.

I've felt like this for years though and the lockdown has just reminded me how useless my family and so called friends are.

I don't mind my own company but some days id give anything to have one of those friends you could just spend all day gossiping with.

I'm lucky to have my husband, who isn't like all the bastard DH's on mums net, a new born baby son and my dog. The only other person I have in my life regularly is my therapist who isn't like a real friend but it feels like it and she really helps me with my anxiety.

I'm so alone though it is painful at times. Got the odd message when I gave birth last month but not many people gave a shit other then work colleagues who I'm really missing. Very strange time to have MAT leave and give birth.... I felt like superwoman giving birth during this shit show would have been nice to be bigged up in a way. I'm waffiling now but good to get it off my chest.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare - I'd actually like a group like that to talk to others who understand if it does exist

@ChickenNugget86 congratulations on the birth of your baby boy

Spacepocket agree I was driving to her was easier for her. Have just felt lately just very one sided. We all have busy weeks!! Just gets tiring chasing people

@ChickenNugget86

Congratulations.

Any woman who can get through this time, with it's limitations and restrictions with a new baby, is very special and resourceful.

It's a very trying to time to be dealing with a new baby.

Thank goodness you have a good partner.

Congratulations @ChickenNugget86 you absolute warrior! I have never been able to have children (circumstantial Rather then medically) And I think all women are absolute queens anyway but to bring a baby into this world during a pandemic and still smile through it is true strength of character. Enjoy getting to know your little boy, friends who don’t want to share in that magical time are not with you worrying about.

Sometimes looking at the void is ok...because then perhaps you can begin to drop any expectations about how people 'should' feel about you, if they 'should' need you, or indeed, most importantly, how YOU feel about them. It's a sober, terrifying place to look at though.