To totally reevaluate friendships and family relationships because of Covid?

[Spacepocket]

Feeling a bit flat with the slow realisation about how little effort my friends have put into our friendships over the years.
I’ve suggested and then organised countless meet ups, coffees. nights out. All met with enthusiasm and I thought these were true friendships.
I’ve just been scrolling through my phone and realised that during the lockdown, I’ve initiated every single group or individual conversation. I’ve asked how they’re doing, I’ve offered support when someone has been struggling. And yet not one person has asked me how I’m doing/how my kids are doing.
Same with family. I’m feeling sad but also not that bothered if that makes sense? My job has been on the absolute frontline and I have been scared shitless at times, but I’ve never wavered. DH and kids have been amazing and I’m struggling with the realisation that I literally can’t be bothered contacting anyone else again.
Anyone else feeling similar? Please be kind

I can so relate to this, I've a close knit (so I thought) group of friends that I've been friends with for 30-35 years and I've had enough of always being the one to make contact or to organise nights out. In the last 2 months we've managed 1 group video call.
I've taken them all off my social media and deleted their numbers. Once this is all over I'll be trying to make new friends. It's sad though.

Why not just stop contacting people for a few months and see how your feelings and views pan out?

I agree , don’t do anything . Focus on your lovely family for now and make a note to revisit how you feel in a few months time

And I think for all of us focus on what’s good and working
I know it’s wanky but I have restarted my gratitude diary 📔
It’s a nice way to focus on what IS good

Still torn although so many similar experiences on this thread.
I definitely am going to stop contacting and see what evolves though.
Ironically I woke up this morning to a message from one friend ( albeit one of those ‘best friend’ chain things. I swear she’s an MN er

Damn Yankee no sports car yet

@TeeniefaeTroon

You sound hurt but 30 years is a long time.

Respectfully I would recommend you step back but don't delete.

You may regret it and feel silly afterwards.

Best IMO just to step back and leave your options open.

I have found this with two people in particular. One friend and one relative.

The friend is particularly annoying me because she's constantly posting snide comments on her social media about people who haven't been in touch and about "knowing who her true friends are". Yet she hasn't instigated one conversation, and from a couple of the replies on her comments from pissed off people I know that's not just with me.

I'm certainly planning on making life a bit more even after this. I don't mind if sometimes I put in 90% of the effort because someone I love only has 10% to give, but I'll be stepping back from the relationships where that is the expected form

How are you OP?

I think everyone is fatigued by this situation and maybe not thinking so much of others as their own individual problems.

Be nice to yourself and treat yourself daily.

I have a friend group like that. We've been friends for over 25 years and were all in school together. It often feels as though myself an another friends are the only ones who initiate conversation and everyone is too far up their arse to ask about the rest of us or offer anything to strengthen the friendship bond. I almost feel as though I don't know them as well anymore.
I'd like to leave the WhatsApp group but that seems like a petty move and they'll just think I'm being an arse. I'd like to just stay quiet on the group and ignore them all but I know I won't be able to help myself and will end up posting again if the group is still there and active.
I really need them to be out of sight and mind but don't know how to achieve this.

Potter thank you for asking
I’m ok. Exhausted and needing to step away from COVID threads I think!
I’m not going to delete anyone but I’m literally going to down tools with regards making contact for a while.
Thanks for sharing thoughts and experiences and advice.
It’s useful to know I’m not alone

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'.

To be completely frank, lockdown (although admittedly I've been going to work throughout - very empty, quiet office though) has just confirmed to me that I would genuinely be very happy if I never saw anyone socially again except my family. Circumstances have meant that I've been living alone during lockdown, whereas I normally have an adult child at home. I've missed seeing both adult children and some extended family members (sadly parents no longer alive, no siblings) but no one else. Will be able to see the children from this weekend on, outdoors .

I just don't like socialising - in groups or one to one! I don't seek it out, but make the best of it when I have to do it, so people probably don't realise I'd prefer not to do it at all. Maybe there are more people like me than generally realised.

Social media doesn’t help either - it’s like you’re allegedly some reclusive freak if you aren’t updating Instagram or Facebook with photos titled #squadgoals or #cocktailswiththisone

I'm not on fb/instagram anymore and I do feel like I get forgotten about. It's not that I see a problem with anyone using them, it's just not for me. I'm not comfortable posting photos of the kids, listing all the things we are doing (or not) etc. And they are all I'm doing at the moment so don't have anything else to put on there as I'm not keen on the political debates etc. Not judging if anyone else does, it's just not for me.

So I do end up contacting people more than they contact me, I think they remember the people they see on SM constantly.

Spacepocket
Maybe still put some effort in if you feel like it, but not as much as before? Take some time to focus on you.

I have spoken to four friends during look down. I'm fine with that. They are four quality friends. I'm not going out of my way for anyone anymore. Lockdown has really made me see this. A lot of my "friends" know that I have PND. Not one has asked me how I'm coping. I'm not needy in anyway shape or form, but a hey, how's you doing wouldn't go amiss 🤷‍♀️

I know you mean
Socialising was in a strange way a huge cause of anxiety for me

I’m embarrassed to admit this
Getting there on time , and not being late
Dealing with people , and their noise and opinions
Dealing with peoples strong opinions and views
Spending money
Dealing with kids if reluctant
Dealing with atmosphere and unspoken thoughts

I think a previous poster has it right - they mean more to you than you do to them.
BUT be kind to yourselves. No need for any grand gestures, its more painful for you than them. Your expectations of others is too high SO step back. Let them contact you. Reply when YOU want to. Go out if its something they arranged and you fancy or whatever socially distant method of contact is arranged.
Most importantly I think we have to focus on what we want not what others expect. Then we dobt mind that Sharon took 5 weeks to check in or Thelma only calls when she wants something and omg dont forget Davina who always moans for 2 hours about anyone and everyone but not ask o celebrations how you are. Sorry to any Sharon,Ethel and Davina's out there. 😁
I think women are so conditioned to making sure everyone else is ok. Even other women. We should learn to prioritize ourselves and now is the perfect time to do it.

I have decided to be positive. Decide what is pisding me off and do something positive about it. Relationships with family!!! are on a definitive backburner and friends are forefront. Family is who you make it not only the 'idiots' you are related to. 'Idiots' is a 'positive ' way of describing my family. My new family of friends is amazing and chosen wisely.
Good luck.

Oh my that was long.

I'm with you OP, but I'm also in the camp of don't do anything dramatic about it.

My sister hot corona symptoms early on and I was very worried as she's asthmatic. I checked in with her every day and sent her home remedies.

How did I find out she was better? Twitter.

Then an event I'd bought her tickets to was postponed inevitably. I messaged to let her know. Nothing.

Then I got corona symptoms. Mentioned it on Facebook, as she did originally. Many friends and family contacted to check I was OK, even though I did say it was mild. Even our emotionally incompetent brother checked in with me. Nothing from her, and I decided to wait and see if she got in touch.

Still twittering away.

A grand total of SIX WEEKS later, she messaged me. About her twitter.

I've resisted the impulse to message her about things I normally would the past weeks, as I wanted to know how long it would take her to remember I existed. Six fucking weeks.

And this from a woman who said she didn't want me to emigrate - well she'd visit just as often (never, always me coming to her) and she could just as easily ignore me if I loved abroad.

Apologies for all my typos.

Same here OP. There's something quite upsetting about saying in a group WhatsApp group that you are shielded and no one comments. In fact the group reads like I'm not part of it. I'm the only single parent and have three children and am the only shielded parent of the group. People often comment how strong I must be and how they couldn't cope on their own with three dc so maybe they think I'll be handling this just fine too. I feel invisible though. I went NC with my family years ago aoart from my mum. If I wasn't already then I would be due to their selfish behaviour during this crisis.
I will be distancing myself more from people once I'm back out in the world.

I feel exactly the same. I certainly won't be making any effort after all this. Me and my family are all that matters to me now.

I just want to offer a different perspective, although I'm not minimising what you're feeling, I think you might be BU without realising.

My first point is the usual corona one: that this isn't a normal situation and I really think we need to cut people some slack. There seem to be quite a lot of "my friends aren't doing enough" threads lately, and equally abundant "I'm overwhelmed and can't cope" threads. Maybe the friends that seem to not be doing enough are the same ones that are at or near breaking point?

My second point is that when groups are formed (even groups of two), people fall into roles. If you're usually the one to instigate conversation then that will continue through habit. That's become your role: you control the amount of contact. It doesn't mean your friend doesn't enjoy your conversation, it just means she's happy with the level of contact you have so she doesn't feel the need to instigate any additional contact, because you're already doing it. If you've stepped back, she might not have realised or she might just be sticking to her role: she's the one who replies. It sounds simplistic but it's really easy to get into these routines and people don't break them quickly.

The third point is from my own perspective: I reeeeeally dislike talking about my feelings. So if someone asks me I'll do a quick "I'm fine, how are you?" but I generally won't elaborate even if I'm exhausted/overwhelmed/my leg's falling off etc. I do appreciate that people ask but I don't like the conversation, so I generally won't ask others either. I will of course listen and try to help if they venture information but I don't like to pry. Obviously you know your friends but some people are just more private, and it could be possible that they see things similar to me.

I think in general as an adult if you want help you have to ask for it, which includes emotional support. You could say "I'm having a rough day and need to rant, do you have 5 minutes?" etc.

Obviously might be off base but just wanted to suggest alternative viewpoint. Sorry that was long.

With regard the third point though, these are friends who have sought support for everything. No issues with venting or sharing over the years. Births, marriages, deaths, break ups, toddler tantrums, unfaithful husbands, STDs, MIL woes, work crisis. You name it, they’ve shared it and I’ve been there with wine, tissues and wisdom ( or lack of)
And even in my most recent messages to them, it’s been full of info about how good, or bad things are.

Plenty of thinking time today and I really am taking a proper step back. Feel ‘lighter’ already.

I was just thinking the same.

If I deleted every single contact in my phone, I know that I would not hear from a single person again, not one.

Makes me very sad. If anything were to happen to me, no one would be bothered.

I get you, OP.

I always seemed to be the one to send a text to two people on my course to ask how they were etc. About 6 weeks ago I realised it's always me who initiates contact so thought I'd let them do it instead . . . yep . . . still waiting.

I totally agree. I always seem to be the one to make the call, ask how things are etc. Last week for a few days I made no calls and not one person called me even though I always check if they need anything. If I go shopping I ring round to see if anyone needs anything but my friends never ring me if they are going shopping.
Having time to think makes you realise that you are the only one keeping friendships going.
I am getting past caring.