To totally reevaluate friendships and family relationships because of Covid?

[Spacepocket]

Feeling a bit flat with the slow realisation about how little effort my friends have put into our friendships over the years.
I’ve suggested and then organised countless meet ups, coffees. nights out. All met with enthusiasm and I thought these were true friendships.
I’ve just been scrolling through my phone and realised that during the lockdown, I’ve initiated every single group or individual conversation. I’ve asked how they’re doing, I’ve offered support when someone has been struggling. And yet not one person has asked me how I’m doing/how my kids are doing.
Same with family. I’m feeling sad but also not that bothered if that makes sense? My job has been on the absolute frontline and I have been scared shitless at times, but I’ve never wavered. DH and kids have been amazing and I’m struggling with the realisation that I literally can’t be bothered contacting anyone else again.
Anyone else feeling similar? Please be kind

A group ‘How are YOU?’ for everyone feeling the same

I'm sorry to hear that OP. It's the exact same for me. For some reason, there's maybe one or two out of our group of 7 who will actually reply to anything I write on the group chat. Others will be replied to by everyone. Even if it's just a "How are you guys doing?". Only a couple will reply to mine but all will start chatting if another writes it.

When lockdown ends I'm staying here. Never mind the coffee mornings and shopping trips. I'm giving up. Family's the same.

I noticed this before lockdown. Always me contacting people, never the other way around. I have come to realise that I don't really have any proper friends, save one who I know is really struggling. I have also realised I am happy with just me and DH.

I think I have reached the point where I don't care anymore. I stopped making contact and none of them have messaged me in two months. I have always felt a bit on the outside with friendship groups though

I'm struggling. I'm completely apathetic. You ring me or put me in group chat then I will take part. At moment I cant bring myself to initiate contact or leave the house except to work

Same here. Some of my friends have shown themselves up to be a bit crap.

One in particular has been crap at keeping in touch. It’s always me texting her and she’s so slow to respond it’s impossible to get a convo going.

She has mentioned meeting up for a walk (since it’s been allowed) but when I suggested meeting halfway between our homes she sounded most put out. I was expected to drive to hers and I suddenly realised that she hadn’t actually been to my house for about 5 years. It’s ALWAYS me making the effort.

Being at home has reminded me just who is important and it isn’t people who just can’t be arsed.

One of my very good friends hasn’t contacted me at all. So having realised its me contacting her, have stopped. Maybe it will change but when a social distancing picnic was suggested by dh with the families, I thought nope, still lockdown

Same here, most of the time. One friend in particular - it's only me who ever gets in touch, but she always seems happy to hear from me, so I continue. But right now I'm quite tired, and I haven't bothered.
I don't normally mind. As a pp said, it's probably partly habit.
Right now life seems a bit odd, and like you OP, feel a bit numb about friendships.

Enid that’s been a common theme with me too.
Even when planning nights out, it’s generally always had to be at someone else's favourite restaurant etc.
DH is delighted that I’m having these realisations to be honest. He’s said many times that I’m a pushover

Know what you mean. I cut back alot seemed to be always the one driving to people and happy if I sent the next text again to meet. Just very 1 sided. We all busy people!! I suit myself now

Same here Enid. Just tired of it. I know I sound petty but friendship 2 ways

I’m not sure..this isn’t a normal situation at all, we’re all dealing with this and having our own issues. I’ve not really contacted friends or family as much as normal as most days I’ve been anxiety ridden. I don’t expect them to be contacting me more than usual and checking if I’m ok really, because perhaps they’re not either! I personally can’t put the energy into others at the moment and I’m always the one to be there for others. I think the way people are acting in this situation is forgiveable as we all cope differently.

I know the feeling too well. I give the illusion of dependancy, wisdom and loyalty such that too many people I've know don't feel the need to ever call me first. I know of 6 people who would contact me and that is the most I've known in my whole life.
One particular doozy was the person who's hand I held during suicide attempts and self-harm but when it was my break-up and my dad having a life altering injury = t u m b l e w e e d s.

my husband feels like this

He says he marvels at how I have low expectations of people

But i just think "would I like to see this person today" and if it's a yes I will suggest a meet up. I can take a hint and no offence if someone says no. I will assume they have other things to do, fair enough.

Keeping it light paradoxically has allowed for some unexpected friendships to flourish. But I have also changed my mind about a few people who I now no longer like ...it happens. I have been dumped by others also.

But yes, it's nice if someone asks how you are and really wants to know.

Still, I'd advice against ditching these friends, just maybe stat looking for a few additional ones

Hope you’re ok OP.

If I can just offer another perspective... it’s hard to explain, but since lockdown began it feels like my world has shrunk to just the 5 people who live within this house. Even though I’m not working, just trying to homeschool the kids and keep them occupied/ stop them killing each other it feels like the days and weeks have passed in a blur and I barely think about anyone else, which sounds awful and selfish I know.

Even though I’ve always been close to my mum and she lives nearby, I don’t remember to text or ring her as much as I should, same with my sisters. Even my closest friends are the ones who initiate contact and I try to always reply. It sounds pathetic, I know but somehow with this strange shrunken world my brain registers less of what is outside these four walls.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but this is me too. Ive just scrolled through all the messages I've sent people checking they're OK during lock down. They're all pretty one sided from me. None of them hsve reciprocated at all. It isn't wholly surprising as I had started realising this about a year or two ago.
It is extremely depressing at first so don't be too hard on yourself especially in your job. I thought I was to blame but I'm not. I volunteer, I work hard, don't gossip, I send care packages to people, I generally try to keep in touch and be a decent person. I don't know what exactly I'm "doing wrong" but clearly it's something. I am often a thread killer on MumsNet too!
I will be someone who doesn't have many mourners at their funeral.
Im becoming more and more ok with it. In fact, like another poster said here; it is freeing. There's not much drama, I don't have to put up with other people's quirks and habits. My time is my own and I'm becoming content with my own company and a few hobbies. I will almost undoubtedly become a crazy cat lady in a few years and actually I'm fine with that!

I will prevent you from being the thread killer this time Huggy!

Also I can relate to a lot of what people have written.

I too am a threadkiller. the wierd thing is is that in my real life I'm reasonably popular at work and elseware. It's just with a few exceptions I'm seen as the one who calls. I recall doing an experiment to see who would phone me if I didn't phone them. 14 years later I'm assuming they're not calling.

I’m the same OP, come from a large family I always visit them, they have not visited me in 15 years (live a couple of hours away) and I have not had one text or phone call, absolutely nothing 😥it’s just me and my DH so if he dies and I am left alone and I die in the house, no doubt it will be the postman that will alert the police who will then find my months old decaying body eaten by my cat. It sounds comical but sadly I think that’s what will happen to me. This virus has been a massive wake up call and one of the first things I’m going to do is change my will as my so called family are the main beneficiaries, I have decided to leave my whole estate to charity now. It actually really hurts.

I am more of the @ChickenyChick and @Bluebird3456 way of thinking.

Many people are very wrapped up in themselves at the moment, and also strangely busy if working (even from home) or have young kids, or elderly relatives. WFH is draining and can leave you not wanting to communicate.

Someone mentioned not liking to ask how people are. I have a friend with Covid, the long-lasting exhausting one. She seems to prefer light-hearted chit chat, and doesn't say much about how she is, even if asked. I let her know I'm thinking of her, but not constantly, I hope she doesn't think I don't care.

Sometimes friendships do run their course, but often it's just that they change anyway, as we get older and have more responsibilities.

Some people are busy bonding with neighbours, as they can actually see them! Or binding with school parents over homeschooling, or whatever. Everything is different at the moment.

Sometimes I get those feelings of why aren't I more important to a particular friend. But I let them go, as they're mainly just insecurities and not a reflection of friendship.

Sorry for the essay! I find the topic of friendship fascinating, and it's true that with social media they can seem so complicated to manage anyway.
I've come to terms with most people are just pretty wrapped in themselves, which has freed me to be mainly wrapped up in myself too.

‘I've come to terms with most people are just pretty wrapped in themselves, which has freed me to be mainly wrapped up in myself too.’

This has really struck a cord. I think I’m just at the start of this process and it’s kind of liberating

@Spacepocket - exactly!! It's not a negative thing. It's actually often a sign of a good, close friendship, that you don't live in each other's pockets (even virtual WhatsApp ones), but that you are organically in and out of each other's lives, sometimes more, sometimes less. And in the meantime, you have your own stuff to do.

I could have written this post OP!

I have discovered that I don't really like my mum, dad or sister. Their behaviour is selfish. Luckily I have 2 other siblings and I am alright with it all. But now I know what I always suspected.

Poetry that also really resonates. Have always felt obliged to get on with my siblings. Always organised the christmas get togethers, parents birthday dos etc.
Now that feeling of obligation has gone.