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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To start paying half the mortgage?

128 replies

Astrid84 · 20/05/2020 21:36

I think maybe a little back story for context.

I have DD (12) from previous relationship who I brought up on my own with little to no help from ex partner financially or otherwise. I have always been fiercely independent having had a very rough upbringing and moved away from "home" at 16. I'm now 29.

I worked my ass off to get where I was financially and rented my super cheap flat from the local authority. I then met my OH almost 4 years ago and last year we took the plunge and decided to move in together together. Well we had spoken about it ALOT and I found it so difficult to get to grips with the idea of living with someone else and 'relying' on someone else. We both wanted to move but I was just scared I guess. Eventually I decided one day that I'd hand in my notice to quit and 4 weeks later we moved in...

We agreed at the time now almost 1 year ago that if I moved to his (he owns his flat) that I wouldn't pay anything towards the mortgage because he was in negative equity, (purchase just before the market crashed) it would be a poor investment on my part to pay anything plus I'm not on the mortgage.

I've started feeling guilty about not paying anything towards the mortgage and he briefly mentioned recently in "jokey way" that I should start paying towards half the mortgage but I didn't say anything back. It's got me thinking well anything mentioned in that way is usually a sign of well this is something he wants to bring up but maybe doesn't want to go back on what he said.

Should I be paying my half?

OP posts:

happypoobum · 21/05/2020 13:29

No way would i pay half without being on the mortgage/deeds.

However, I wouldn't have given up a LA tenancy in order to put myself in such a precarious position. I hope it all works out for you

paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 21/05/2020 13:33

I’ve talked about this before on here, but I live with my partner. We rented together before he bought the house we now live in, but for a while we weren’t sure which of us was going to buy and we weren’t ready to buy together. Our potential deposit sizes were also very different as he received a substantial gift amount from family.

In the end (and this would have applied regardless of who bought in the end), we were in agreement that neither of us wanted to pay into a property where we wouldn’t see the benefits of doing so. He pays the mortgage, I pay the bills. We split the cost of food. That division works out roughly equal, but if I was paying more/less we’d rejig to make it fair (this reminds me, now I have no commuting costs I need to check that calculation to see if we’re roughly paying the same still). Things that will add to the value of the house (eg new kitchen), he will cover the cost of. Furniture or cosmetic things, whoever wants it will pay for it unless it’s a jointly decided purchase in which case we’d split the cost. Something like a boiler service, we’d split the cost of (or likely right now, I’d pay it as his earnings are low). I squirrel away a lot in savings, yes, but the amount we both pay towards the house is the same and if we broke up tomorrow, he would be the one with the asset, not me. Me covering all bills also means he can afford not to work full time. If he worked full time, he too would be squirrelling away a lot into savings!

That was a very long winded way of saying, you have to do what works for you as a couple. I wouldn’t be comfortable paying into a mortgage that wasn’t mine, where the homeowner is my partner, and I felt exactly the same when it was me looking at buying, and didn’t want my partner paying me rent. However I do think you could be paying a higher proportion of the bills and food if there’s you and a DC, or you could offer to pay him a “wear and tear” type amount each month to support costs like boiler services etc. Or agree a proportional split on any property investment - eg new kitchens, bathrooms etc - though then I probably would want to be on the deeds or to have a legal agreement written up to protect that investment.

rattusrattus20 · 21/05/2020 13:38

OP should IMO be paying rent at a 'mates' rates' fraction of the market rate [for half a houes] that, crudely, excludes the landlord's 'profit' element.

HollowTalk · 21/05/2020 13:40

I wouldn't pay anything towards his mortgage. You will need your own at some point and need to be a first time buyer.

However I do think you should give him something towards rent. Whether that involves you paying all of the household bills (which frees him up to save) or whether you give him a sum each month, is between you two.

To live there without paying anything just isn't right. You used to pay rent and now you're not, even though he's broke.

MN is full of women who would let someone live with them for nothing. It's also full of threads about cocklodgers.

I think if I were him it would be great to have no bills at all. For you, the only difference would be paying for his food - you were paying all bills before when you lived alone.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/05/2020 13:41

Lots of confused posters.

Do you earn about the same? If so, then you should pay half the mortgage but only if you are added to the deeds as a joint tenant or tenant in common with agreed % ownership of the flat. You don’t need to be added to the mortgage loan itself and in fact, you might not want to because if you split this can keep you from getting a mortgage on a place of your own.

If you earn more/less than him, then you should add your income together and calculate your %. So if you earn 30k and he earns 60k, you earn 33% and he earns 66% of total income. So you should pay 1/3rd mortgage not half in this scenario. But again, not unless you are added to the deed as a tenant in common with a % ownership share.

What % ownership depends on how much equity he has in it already and how much you will contribute to determine what is fair to both of you.

Original poster

Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 13:47

@happypoobum I am certainly not in a precarious situation. If worse came to worst then I am able to afford to rent privately and still afford to put into my help to buy ISA. My OH is a reasonable guy really. I just wouldn't want to pay his mortgage if worse came to worst and I got nothing back from it.

For example If I paid half the mortgage and bills not being on the mortgage/deed and unfortunately we split after say another 6 years. I've gained nothing from doing so and I'd have put less in my savings as a result. He'd have increased his savings and he'd be able to sell his place for a profit.

Now if I don't pay into mortgage and I still pay half of all bills and we split in 6 years time. He still comes out with more savings and a wee bit of a profit from his property if he decided to sell his property and I'd have increased my savings also. Everyone wins?

OP posts:

notalwaysalondoner · 21/05/2020 13:54

The trouble with you paying half of all bills is unless the mortgage is crazy small most people’s bills are significantly less than rent/mortgage. So for example you are paying £200pcm for bills while he is paying £200 plus £600 for the mortgage. But you’ve saved probably about £500 on rent yourself so you’re making a way bigger saving than he is, which isn’t super fair when you’re living in his house, contributing to wear and tear etc. So it’s only fair if the actual numbers are closer to each other.

Plus if you have a child shouldn’t you be paying closer to 2/3 bills? Also you’ve got to remember most bills will go up because of more people in the house, the only real exception is internet, so he’s not saving as much by you paying half as you might think.

The way I’ve always thought of as fairest is either you pay mates rates rent plus your share of the bills - up to you and your DP to negotiate how much below market rent mates rates is. That way you will be paying much less than if you rented and he will he being reimbursed a bit for having two extra people in his house.

IndecentFeminist · 21/05/2020 14:00

You don't want him to profit from you living with him, but are quite happy to profit yourself? Call it rent or a contribution towards the mortgage, but same same.

Original poster

Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 14:07

The mortgage is actually the same amount as what I was paying for my previous Local authority flat £318pm.

I'm trying not to drip feed here but before we even moved in ot the apartment I had a lot of work done to it by. The place is not the same from when I met him...

I have a child but I also pay way more out of my pocket as a result of having a child. Afterschool care, clothing, days etc, I also pay towards any costs for maintaining the apartment.

I in fact pay more to utilities in his place than I did in my old apartment. Previously I had 25% reduction on CTax, on a much cheaper CTax band than his place, My gas and electricity was around half of what we both now pay on this place (I rarely put the heating on and I switch everything off) OH always has the heating on and he leaves everything on standby. Previously I never had to pay a commons maintenance bill. So my costs increased when I moved to OH.

BUt this is all by the by, we had the discussion at the time of how everything would change financially and we still went ahead because it made way more sense for us to move there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 14:12

@IndecentFeminist But he would profit from me living with him he's only paying half his bills?

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 21/05/2020 14:16

If you were renting with a friend you would be paying half the rent and bills, maybe more as you’d be paying your daughter’s way as well. In your place I’d probably expect to contribute to the mortgage as a tenant. At the moment you’re living there rent/mortgage free which is a pretty sweet deal, though I’d make sure I had a tenancy agreement so he couldn’t just kick you out if he got bored with you. You’re in quite a vulnerable position at the moment if thing go wrong.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 21/05/2020 14:23

If things are going well with OH and he doesn't actually 'need' the money, could you work out a reasonable 'half the mortgage' amount and then pay that monthly into a savings account for a rainy day or anything else in future?

madcatladyforever · 21/05/2020 14:29

As I see it you and your daughter are living rent free. You need to be paying rent to him and your share of bills.
If this was turned round and a man was living with me for free I'd not be feeling very happy about it, I'd expect a decent contribution each month.
You need to sit down and discuss what you will be paying.

soph1987 · 21/05/2020 14:30

Buying with a non-first time buyer means you'll lose most advantages of being a FTB anyway...

Original poster

Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 14:38

@soph1987 I can still benefit from the help-to-buy ISA as first time buyer when we do eventually buy together

OP posts:

rattusrattus20 · 21/05/2020 14:55

This may not be a huge point depending on the length of the mortgage & how far along it is but on a repayment (rather than interest only) what you pay each month partly covers interest on the debt but also partly covers 'principal', i.e. going towards paying it off. Any contributions towards the mortgage by someone with no claim on the property should only ever have the interest portion in mind.

memberof5 · 21/05/2020 15:06

Why do you think you get to live rent free? I have an ex boyfriend that did this to me. I went along with it as I didn't want him to have any claim on my property but I look back now and think urgggh - cocklodger.

Lightsabre · 21/05/2020 15:10

Too late now but for anyone in a similar position it would be worth hanging on to the Council property, him moving in and then asking for consent to let his own property. Unfortunately you have given up all security for the time being.

SpilltheTea · 21/05/2020 15:29

I wouldn't pay half his mortgage, you're a partner, not a tenant. You're already paying half the bills and you have a child to provide for.

MadinMarch · 21/05/2020 15:54

She pays half the rent of a property that she is getting half the use of. Exactly the same as she would if the two of them were jointly renting the property from a third-party landlord. She would be getting exactly what she deserves for what she is paying. You need to treat her partner in his role as partner and her partner in his role as landlord as if they were two completely separate people.

Exactly!
You and your daughtre are getting the use of a house and literally a roof over your head. What if that roof needs repairs or the boiler needs repairs, or even servicing? myriad of other things that can go wrong with a house or need maintaining regularly. It's only fair that you are paying a regular amount towards this.
As other people have pointed out, it would be well worth him talking to an independent mortgage advisor as there's probably much better deals about now.
At what stage you become joint owners should be a discussion you have together to work out what is fair for you both, whether you move or not.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/05/2020 16:06

can still benefit from the help-to-buy ISA as first time buyer when we do eventually buy together

Not if you get added to the mortgage. Being on a mortgage either as one of the borrowers or as a guarantor makes you a de facto home buyer.

Original poster

Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 16:08

But its not the same as renting if we both moved into a rental property together we would pay our equal shares however at the end of it we would gain no asset or profit if we left a rental. If I was to pay into his mortgage either of us left one another I'd gain nothing and he would so many of years of his mortgage paid off?

Rental value in this area is pretty awful if he was to let it out he'd make little to no profit from it and it would end up being more hassle than its worth given the area. I haven't given up any security I having moved from my LA flat. It was a terrible place to live and the only good thing about it was cheap rent. I can afford a private let if needs be but I won't need to think of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 16:10

Not if you get added to the mortgage. Being on a mortgage either as one of the borrowers or as a guarantor makes you a de facto home buyer.
I'll still receive government bonus on my help buy ISA is what I mean

OP posts:

alltoomuchrightnow · 21/05/2020 16:12

I do, as not a female cocklodger (equivalent of). It's DP's house. As soon as moved in I started paying 50 50 on the mortgage and bills, even though I was earning part time min wage and he was earning a lot more (not his fault re my earnings!)

bananaberry2020 · 21/05/2020 16:13

Hi OP, you might need to check if you would qualify as a first time buyer - I don't because (even thought I've never owned/ bought a property) I live with my OH who has a mortgage on our house. I was shocked to find that out! I moved in with him and thought we could benefit when we moved to a bigger place by me applying for the mortgage being a first time buyer. Apparently not!

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