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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start paying half the mortgage?

128 replies

Astrid84 · 20/05/2020 21:36

I think maybe a little back story for context.

I have DD (12) from previous relationship who I brought up on my own with little to no help from ex partner financially or otherwise. I have always been fiercely independent having had a very rough upbringing and moved away from "home" at 16. I'm now 29.

I worked my ass off to get where I was financially and rented my super cheap flat from the local authority. I then met my OH almost 4 years ago and last year we took the plunge and decided to move in together together. Well we had spoken about it ALOT and I found it so difficult to get to grips with the idea of living with someone else and 'relying' on someone else. We both wanted to move but I was just scared I guess. Eventually I decided one day that I'd hand in my notice to quit and 4 weeks later we moved in...

We agreed at the time now almost 1 year ago that if I moved to his (he owns his flat) that I wouldn't pay anything towards the mortgage because he was in negative equity, (purchase just before the market crashed) it would be a poor investment on my part to pay anything plus I'm not on the mortgage.

I've started feeling guilty about not paying anything towards the mortgage and he briefly mentioned recently in "jokey way" that I should start paying towards half the mortgage but I didn't say anything back. It's got me thinking well anything mentioned in that way is usually a sign of well this is something he wants to bring up but maybe doesn't want to go back on what he said.

Should I be paying my half?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 20/05/2020 23:37

What you need to do is imagine that both of you are renting from a third-party landlord. You hand over 50% of that imaginary rent to him. He pays the entire value of any costs that a landlord would pay. He pays the entire mortgage, the management charge, repairs etc. It follows from this logic that what he pays towards the mortgage is completely irrelevant. If the mortgage is £2000 a month and half the rent is £500, you pay £500. If he the wins the lottery and pays of his mortgage, so he has no monthly payments, you still pay £500. He has to contribute £10K to a new roof, his problem, not yours. You still pay £500. You are paying rent, landlord costs have no bearing on what you should pay.

Who would want such a selfish partner that won the lottery and still charged you £500pcm rent Grin

RandomLondoner · 20/05/2020 23:44

If I would ask for rent from a partner (which I’m sure you call all guess I wouldn’t) it would be a quarter of the rate of renting a room in a similar house house with shared facilities. Quarter because you have to sleep in your landlord’s bed.

I can't really understand what you're saying, so let me put what I'm saying a different way. Suppose a couple are renting a one-bedroom flat for £1000, each paying £500. They have separate finances, so their personal income and expenses are entirely their own, the rent is merely a shared expense they've agreed to pay half of. One of them wins the lottery, or gets an inheritance, and buys the property from the landlord. Why should what the other pays change in any way? What they are getting for their money has not changed at all.

Remember that though they are a couple, they are not sharing finances the way couples usually do. There have a room-mates / house-sharers type of financial arrangement.

RandomLondoner · 20/05/2020 23:47

Who would want such a selfish partner that won the lottery and still charged you £500pcm rent

It's a completely fair point that strict separate finances and 50:50 are not really the way couple finances should usually work. I'm merely stating what logic dictates if you accept that premise.

HeckyPeck · 20/05/2020 23:49

Why should what the other pays change in any way? What they are getting for their money has not changed at all

Right, but the lottery win parter is now profiting by £500pcm from the partner as the £1000pcm rent costs no longer exist.

Remember that though they are a couple, they are not sharing finances the way couples usually do. There have a room-mates / house-sharers type of financial arrangement

If both partners choose to have a room-mates arrangement and don’t want to share any good fortunes with each other that’s up to them. I’m assuming a usual relationship and personally I would only want to be with someone who would want to share their good fortunes with me as I would mine with them.

namechangeonehundred · 21/05/2020 00:21

@HeckyPeck has it spot on.
Op I'm glad your OH is being sensible about this too.

Gingerkittykat · 21/05/2020 01:53

If the OP were to pay half of the mortgage for 10 years and they split up then the BF would presumably have some equity in the house and she would have nothing. How is that fair?

Antipodeancousin · 21/05/2020 02:00

I would reassure him that you are saving the spare money towards a deposit on a jointly owned house. That way, if/when you buy together you will half own the new property. I would hate to be paying towards his mortgage with nothing to show for it when he initially said you didn’t have to contribute to it.

AWaspOnAWindowReturns · 21/05/2020 08:10

@randomlondoner, except there is no negative equity if the property value is back where it was when OP's OH purchased the property (as OP has previously stated it is). The "mortgage" over 90% would be an unsecured loan, which could continue to be the OH's debt to repay once they remortgaged jointly.

Elieza · 21/05/2020 09:13

If he won’t let you pay them if it were me I would be paying for a nice holiday for you both. Obv not just now but in the future. Put the money by, ready for after CV.

I still think the amount you should pay him should be equal to the interest part if the mortgage. That way he doesn’t profit from it so to speak but you don’t profit from his generosity either.

Put that by for the holiday and that’s his half if the holiday paid. Then put the same amount by for your half.

YinMnBlue · 21/05/2020 09:25

OP:

A key factor is your security. You gave u a secure LA tenancy (like gold dust!!) to live with your partner. You now have no security whatsoever.

So, in your shoes I would save as much as possible In an account which is in your name. Sure, it can be towards a joint mortgage in due course.

One way to look at it might be to pay him half what you paid in rent for your flat; as if you are paying for your flat but shared with another person: him.

It isn’t your responsibility that he seemingly took out a 100% interest only mortgage.

mrsm43s · 21/05/2020 09:48

Given that it is you and your son and just him, I think you should be contributing more than 50% to bills. It should be 66/33 but perhaps 60/40 seems more reasonable as you are a couple.

With regard the "rent" portion, I think that it is only fair and reasonable that you pay something. Presumably your son has his own room as well as you sharing your BFs room? It would seem reasonable to me that you pay an amount that equals approx 50-60% of market rent, but rather than being added to the mortgage at this stage, I would suggest that that money gets put into a joint account in you and your BF's name. This money could be used for either treats like holidays etc or to form savings for buying a future joint property.

AJPTaylor · 21/05/2020 09:49

Don't.
Keep saving.
Keep your options open.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 21/05/2020 09:56

When my partner moved into my house I didn't expect him to contribute to my mortgage, he just paid for his share of the bill and food. Partly because it kept my financial independence and I also didn't think it was fair for him to pay towards my own house. We've now bought a house together and all costs are shared. If you do start paying half the mortgage you should draw up an agreement that says you are entitled to half the profits from that point on.

MintyMabel · 21/05/2020 12:18

Because his mortgage is an asset in his name only. It’s the same as putting savings into someone else’s saving account but that you have no access or claim to.

So you shouldn’t pay rent to a landlord because you don’t have a claim on the title? It is called paying your way.

What is market rent for having to share a bed with your landlord, not having your own room & having zero rights?

What’s the term for a female cocklodger?

Original poster
Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 12:44

@RandomLondoner this bill isn't part of the mortgage everyone pays it regardless of whether they own their property or not.

OP posts:
RandomLondoner · 21/05/2020 12:53

So if you both moved out and he rented the flat out, his tenants would have to legally pay that bill, even if there was nothing put in their tenancy agreement that said so? How can their be a legally enforceable debt if they haven't signed up for it? I'm struggling to understand how that could be right.

RandomLondoner · 21/05/2020 12:56

Are you in England? I'm now wondering if you are somewhere that the law is different.

SimonJT · 21/05/2020 12:56

We are in a similarish situation, but I’m the one with the child. Before covid led to my boyfriend losing his job he was going to be paying 1/3 of utilities/food.

I wouldn’t personally accept rent money from my boyfriend, as it stands I am the owner of this flat, unless that changes I won’t be taking any rent.

So while I don’t think you should be paying rent I do think you should be paying 2/3 of utilities/food.

Original poster
Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 12:58

@Gingerkittykat this is my thoughts exactly I am protecting my own interests, whether that is seen as selfish on here or not I wouldn't care but my OH agrees and this is all that matters.

@AWaspOnAWindowReturns Yes this is exactly the case. If we sold up now the price of the property would not cover the mortgage and the loan so he would still be paying off the loan if bought or rented another property.

@MintyMabel a cuntlodger? Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrid84 · 21/05/2020 13:01

we're in Scotland. When he took the mortgage out it was for the value of the property so 100% mortgage. They also gave him a large loan which is linked to the mortgage.

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 21/05/2020 13:04

You should be paying rent or similar.

Newtothis2017 · 21/05/2020 13:15

Absolutely you should be paying rent. So many previous threads like this. It always go the same way. If it is a woman not paying everyone says of course you shouldn't pay. If it is a ma ln not paying he is a cocklodger and he needs to pay or ltb. What makes you think you shouldn't have to pay rent for you and your dc?

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 21/05/2020 13:21

Agree with others - half of bills and also rent should be paid. If he’s not accepting rent, you should pay it into a savings account for your contribution to a deposit for your new house if/when you get one.

The value of his house, negative equity, paying to his mortgage, his cheap mortgage etc is all irrelevant.

You would be paying rent to someone if you lived elsewhere, so should be paying him a fair rent ie half is what it costs to rent a similar place (assuming he’d be paying half too).

roarfeckingroar · 21/05/2020 13:23

Not sure about insisting about being on the mortgage. My partner pays towards my mortgage indirectly as part of his rent to live here and there's no chance I'm signing away part of my house!

HermanHermit · 21/05/2020 13:26

I am consistently astonished by the MN view that “getting your name on the mortgage” confers some kind of ownership or entitlement.
Ownership is the land registry entry / deeds.
Mortgage is a fucking great debt without any direct conferring of benefit, only obligation.

Someone upthread even talking about the mortgage as an asset. I hope to god the majority of the people on this thread don’t actually have a mortgage given the shocking lack of understanding of what it means

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