Barely surviving and I hate myself for it

[majesticallyawkward]

I hate myself for feeling like this, but I'm out of everything. Every reserve has been drained.

I'll start by saying I adore my children, I really do.

Today has been fucking awful, most days are bad but today I've been pushed to the edge.

My 5yo is just horrible. It doesn't matter what I do she is constantly screaming, shouting, hitting, punching, scratching, spitting and generally being just awful. No punishment works, no positive reinforcement works, I don't know what I've done to make her like this.

She won't do any school work, won't play or do crafts or anything alone or with me/dh. Today I asked her to do one small piece of school work and she screamed and attacked me for 2 solid hours. Took her out into the garden to play and it continued, screaming and attacking me no matter what I did.

I know it's a shitty time for her, i do, but this is constant, relentless and I don't see anyone else we know dealing with this shit. If the baby tries to nap the 5yo screams so he wakes up then laughs, she shouts in his face if he makes a noise and takes any toy he touches away.

I've made sure she isn't pushed out for the baby, that she gets time alone with me and dh, we do activities and games she wants to but it all ends in the screaming and violence.

Dh is wfh so it's me taking the brunt of it while he bitches about the noise. I'm at the point I hate every day because I know what's coming, I can't do anything with the baby because the 5yo gets jealous or I've just told her off so don't want to do something nice with the baby in case she feels pushed out and lashes out again.

Neither child is getting the best of me, this isn't a life. I spend all day every day with one or both children, I am never alone. This is barely surviving each day, I don't feel happiness and I feel even worse because of that. I love both children, of course I adore them, but would it actually matter if I wasn't here anymore?

Only I can't do that either because dh can't cope. His idea of dealing with her behaviour right now is to get angry, I've seen him shout in her face and twice now grab her and move her away too roughly so I have to try to calm her down before it escalates- usually with the baby crying because the noise of the tantrums scares him. Usually dh is great, this situation is affecting us all.

I'm expecting a phone call soon to discuss me going back to work and that thought makes me physically sick. I was bullied all through my pregnancy by my managers and can't even think about being back there. But that's not an option because I have to go back for the money, my plans to look for a new job after mat leave are on hold so there's no escape, no end in sight.

I don't know what I want from this post, needed to get it out somewhere. I used to self harm and find myself craving that release again.

Op you are not alone. My 5 yo gets like this when overwhelmed. They are in fight it flight mode when they act like this. Shouting or star charts won't work at this point. They need reconnecting with you, a safe space. Sympathizing with them and naming the emotion for example ' you seem really angry, are you cross about your brother touching your toy?' Etc loads of praise when she does something well and to other people e.g. to dh or when on the phone to someone else e.g. x is playing really nicely with her brother/ painted a lovely picture today.

I have friends who are very honest and most are struggling

@Yester really good advice. Do you have any SEN diagnosis for them. My 5yo is similar and I'm starting to wander more and more...

I agree star charts won't work in isolation, but they can be helpful as a steer for what sort of behaviour is desirable, as part of a wider strategy.

For us, violence and hitting is not tolerated, but if someone is shouting I try to acknowledge their feelings – even if whatever they're objecting to is non-negotiable (bedtime, sharing, TV going off, unwanted food). "I know you're sad because you want to watch more Danger Mouse, but that's it for today. More tomorrow." Rinse and repeat, without shouting. Distract with a food colouring/disco bath, story etc.