To have kicked him out for good and some things you said to a child are unforgivable

[Deepmidwicket]

Had issues for ages with husbands temper.
Throwing things, breaking things.

Anyway thought we had had a break throw before lockdown. I thought he had taken responsibility, and everything was back to normal and we truly felt happy.

Anyway DS has been a nightmare the past 4 days. Answering back, refusing to so school work, hitting us. He has coped so well during lockdown but has really hit a wall this week. I knows its anger at not seeing his friends and grandparents.

Anyway I got home from a night shift and went to bed. Half an hour ago DS comes running in crying so I am trying to calm him
down. DH walks in and says “I am ringing social services to take him away” and “I hate the little shit”
DS obviously here’s all this and goes into meltdown.

I tell DH to get out now. DH rips off his T-shirt (literally). I calm DS down and then go downstairs.
I tell DH I can’t believe he would say that to his own son and yes I know he had been challenging but for goodness sake we are all going through hell but DS is six for goodness sake.

DH then yells that no one listens or respects him and I tell him to leave and don’t come back.

When he had gone I notice one of DSs beloved football annuals all ripped up. DS says daddy did it.

I know my marriage is over I just don’t know what to do next. I work nights, luckily not till next Monday now but I can’t carry on with that. I have seizures and fibromyalgia as well. Not sure I can do this. I know I have too but not sure how.

This is one of the most horrible things I’ve ever read on here.
You must protect your child. Do not have him back.
Your poor, poor little boy.

Women’s Aid
Police!!!!

You've done the right thing. No doubt about that. Well done because it isn't easy. Now just stay strong. Swapping to day shifts sounds like a good idea.

He's back? What are you going to do? I assume he thinks you didn't mean it.

Do you have family you could go to? Or a friend with a spare bedroom?
Try women's aid

He can't stay there. He is abusing your child. You need him leave and protect your son. I would call women's aid.

Fully agree with savingshoes. I'm sure everyone condemning him has never said anything horrible they didn't mean in a moment of extreme frustration and stress 🙄

So sorry, nobody deserves that. You've definitely done the right thing. Behaviour like that only escalates. Good luck

@pixiefringe oh I'm sure all of us have said things. But not all of us have form for raging around breaking things. Not all of us refuse to allow a night shift worker proper sleep time to recover. Not all of us destroy a young child's prized possession in a fit of fury. There are lines. They've been crossed. Unless you're an apologist for male bad behaviour because 'they can't help it'.

My oldest was a nightmare when she was 6. We did none of that stuff.

Sorry, never felt the urge to tell a child, let alone my own, 'I'm ringing social services to take him away', let alone, 'I hate the little shit'.

Never deliberately destroyed their prize possessions.

And I am not known as being the most temperate of persons.

Anyone that thinks that this is reasonable, or excusable behaviour (let alone 'discipline'!) really needs to rethink their boundaries as to what children should be expected to endure.

Who was the adult? Here's a clue. Not the six year old. Who should be more able to control their temper and not behave in an abusive manner? Again. Not the six year old.

This was bullying, terrifying, and abusive behaviour, to a six year old.

Yes, pandemic is shit. It's shit for all of us. Us adults have a bit more of a clue than a six year old kid who has had his life tipped upside down, and is acting out as a result. We should be able to deal with it a bit better than using our six year old child as our verbal whipping boy.

Pixie of course I've lost my temper with the children on occasion.

The difference is how you deal with it.

I didn't destroy their property. I didn't call them names. I didn't threaten them with being taken away.

What I did do as a responsible parent was remove myself from the situation (having made sure the children were safe) until I was calm enough to deal with the issue appropriately, or if he was there and calm ask DH to take over.

Moreover I don't have a history of throwing things and general anger management issues and I don't insist on my DH being sleep deprived.

For those defending the DH this isn't one off behaviour that is out of character.

It's an escalation of previous abusive behaviour.

Just because you punch a wall rather than your wife doesn't make it ok because all the evidence points to this sort of behaviour escalating until the partner is the punch bag or the items thrown are at their head.

In the meantime regardless, living with such an explosive personality is very damaging.

Switch to the day shift, get your son into school. Do that first. Then think about the rest.

That's heartbreaking for your little boy. OP, your "D" H is an abusive prick. That's the sort of thing that sticks with a child forever. You say his temper has been an issue for a while. The key question is this:

Does he ever have temper / control issues at work? In front of his friends and family? Would he act like that in front of a policeman?

If the answer is no, then he is CHOOSING to abuse his own son. If the answer is yes then he is an extremely dangerous and volatile person, and should not be around other people until he has had professional help.

Either way - protect your son and keep that arsehole away from him. Ripping up the kid's possessions, scaring him sh*tless with the ridiculous ape-like displays of anger... christ. Awful.

Some women have very low standards. He didn't raise his hand to the child and the OP should be ok with that. As usual blaming women for everything.

You did tbe right thing.

Eh @Coffeeandbeans not sure what you mean by that?

I work in pain services so this must be hard as I bet your in a flare up..go of sick with pain if u have sick pay if not change to days and send him to school with you been a key worker xx

@myownsummer I think coffee was referring to the idiotic statement by savingshoes that because the husband didn’t hit the child his behaviour is ok (even funny in her eyes). It’s no wonder some children are so destroyed emotionally when people think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

@Deepmidwicket

removing yous DS from your Hs anger must be the above all priority. Coming from a difficult childhood with a narcissistic and angry parent myself , i still struggle to forgive the parent without anger issues for not removing us from the abuser.

And lets be clear, telling a 6 year old he is hated and to picked up by social services is horrific emotional abuse. It is very upsetting to read.

I'm also very sure that your DS behaviour will cam down a lot when he doesn't live in constant fear awaiting the next anger outburst from your H.

LTB

excuse my spelling - meant: *calm down a lot

Why didn’t you lock the door? Now that he is back in the house your problem is now getting him out. I doubt he will go quietly.

My ex has told my dd numerous times he hates her and to F off, she is an adult now and a lovely person, she has very little contact with him. He will end up a sad and lonely man, hopefully!!!

@theneverendinglaundry it does sadly. Fortunately in have managed to put anxiety behind me and feel the happiest I have ever been. But it's taken me most of my life and I'm nearly 50. Hope it hadn't dragged you down. X

he "allows" you says it all - please seek help to get him out

You have to get rid of this sack of shit. He’s a terrible husband and an even worse father. My mum once said she would have me fostered, I’ve never forgotten it and it hurt. I’d wake him up and tell him he either leaves or you call the police. And you need a solicitor to stop him having unsupervised contact until he’s got help.