To have kicked him out for good and some things you said to a child are unforgivable

[Deepmidwicket]

Had issues for ages with husbands temper.
Throwing things, breaking things.

Anyway thought we had had a break throw before lockdown. I thought he had taken responsibility, and everything was back to normal and we truly felt happy.

Anyway DS has been a nightmare the past 4 days. Answering back, refusing to so school work, hitting us. He has coped so well during lockdown but has really hit a wall this week. I knows its anger at not seeing his friends and grandparents.

Anyway I got home from a night shift and went to bed. Half an hour ago DS comes running in crying so I am trying to calm him
down. DH walks in and says “I am ringing social services to take him away” and “I hate the little shit”
DS obviously here’s all this and goes into meltdown.

I tell DH to get out now. DH rips off his T-shirt (literally). I calm DS down and then go downstairs.
I tell DH I can’t believe he would say that to his own son and yes I know he had been challenging but for goodness sake we are all going through hell but DS is six for goodness sake.

DH then yells that no one listens or respects him and I tell him to leave and don’t come back.

When he had gone I notice one of DSs beloved football annuals all ripped up. DS says daddy did it.

I know my marriage is over I just don’t know what to do next. I work nights, luckily not till next Monday now but I can’t carry on with that. I have seizures and fibromyalgia as well. Not sure I can do this. I know I have too but not sure how.

Throw him out. Involve the police if you have to - they are helping with this, and he sounds dangerous.

That's awful behaviour, and if he does this sort of thing he clearly hasn't changed at all.

I would absolutely dump him.

What a wanker

Why didn't you lock him out??

He's a horrible bully. To you BOTH.

I'd call the police and ask them to remove him. He was shouting & physically intimidating.

You CAN cope without him! You and DS deserve to be relaxed & happy at home. The things he said to DS are unforgivable. As for ripping up his book, poor little love.

@rubychard it stays with you, doesn't it. My mum used to tell me she wishes she never had me.

You've done the right thing OP.

Your child isn't behaving unusually; lockdown is really tough on kids and mine are struggling too. I feel so sad for them (not just my kids, all of them).

Move this to relationships and get advice from Women's Aid.
You need to document and report this, but whether to police or SS I don't know.
It is a short step from shouting, destroying property and physical assault.
Your husband cannot control his temper.
I agree that you should swap to day shifts and send your son to school.
Either your husband leaves, or you and ds leave.

You're absolutely doing the right thing. My mother used to say things like that to me whenever she was angry. I was threatened with social services, orphanages, being abandoned at a police station, boarding school (which we never could have afforded, it was just another threat to get rid of me). As a result, I grew up thinking that I was a really bad, unlovable child, instead of just an ordinary one that misbehaved sometimes. I had a lot of MH issues well into my twenties - obviously that wasn't the only reason, but it certainly didn't help.

Your son doesn't deserve to hear that from someone who is supposed to love him and be there for him.

The woman who brought me up used to say I’ll phone the children’s home, when your mum has gone your dads not around much this was terrifying, get rid sorry no excuse for this behaviour.

It doesn't sound like he's bringing anything to the family but stress and anxiety.

Your DS's behaviour could very well be tied to the underlying tension that the anticipation of his temper creates.

Whether they realise it or not, most people living with a person with anger issues tends to alter their behaviour to try an mitigate triggering a blow up.

The constant treading on eggshells and trying to anticipate the "best" behaviour to keep that person "happy" is draining, stressful and unhealthy.

Tbh I think you'll find that your DS's behaviour would improve dramatically if he wasn't exposed to your DH as would your mental and physical health.

Sometimes you can't see how bad a situation is when your in the midst of it - it's only from the outside looking back you realise just how oppressive and unhealthy a relationship was.

Good luck OP

I'd drag his arse out of bed and kick his sorry self out properly!

@Deepmidwicket I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how angry must be.

What your DH has said to your DS is unforgivable. my mum said something similar to me and although I was slightly older, I still remember it and how her words made me feel.

I get that we're all under pressure and are all worried about what the future holds, but the sustained anger your DH was demonstrating is out of order.

Putting aside the incident with your son, how does he treat you? You've mentioned that he "Allows" you to sleep for two hours. What would happen if you said " No, I'll wake when I want'?

Really?
He didn't raise his hand to his child?
He'd had the same 4 nightmare days with your son's behaviour?
He's been stuck in covid reduced contact as much as you?
Your DH disciplines his son and your son runs to mum because he doesn't like the consequences of his latest actions (and wakes you up in the middle of your sleep) ... you then undermine your DH in front of your son.
It was a bit dramatic of your DH to peal off his t-shirt like he's the next incredible hulk and I would be hard pushed not to laugh at his silliness. (And now he's got one less t-shirt to pack since you chucked him out of his home)
Learning to adapt to the covid restraints of reduced contact is enough to test anyone's patience and it would be better to work together than allow your son to play dad off against mum.

Savingshoes I really would worry about where you draw the line a unacceptable behaviour towards child and how you feel relationships should be conducted. Either raise your bar at what you accept as treatment from other or look at your own behaviour and how you treat others, because your attitude to the OP’s situation is very concerning.

He didn’t ‘discipline’ his son - he lost his temper and behaved abusively towards a six year old child - and finished off by calling him a horrible name and saying he was getting rid of the child to Social Services!

I'm so sorry OP. As shit as this is, you're doing the right thing for you and your DS. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that your DH's behaviour will be affecting your son's. If a child sees their parent acting out and succumbing to rage, essentially having tantrums, what sort of message does that give?

Just read that your son is only SIX YEARS OLD. I can't believe a grown man would treat a child this small in this way!! Good riddance to bad rubbish, honestly.

Whose T-shirt was it? Did he rip the kids shirt?
Sorry but don’t listen to people minimizing this. He had past history of verbal abuse and throwing things. It’s really frightening to witness that as an adult, never mind for a child.
Denying you sleep is another abusive behavior.
You’ve told him to leave and he’s brushed it off and come back again.
He isn’t going to stop doing this stuff, so please follow the advice from previous posters and get advice from Women’s Aid.
It’s awful witnessing someone do that to your child.
It doesn’t matter what the child did. He’s just 6. It crosses a line when an adult does something so hurtful both verbally and physically.
Please get some support and don’t accept this behavior any more. Don’t wait for it to escalate. You might be out at work when it happens.

That wasn't discipline, that was a complete loss of self control and temper. It was bullying, and abusive, and yes, I'd defend my child from that sort of behaviour, regardless of who it came from. And I'd expect my husband to do the same, if I treated my six year old who is understandably struggling with a fairly unprecedented set of circumstances, in such a fashion.

I was going to ask who on earth the 6% were who think YABU, @Deepmidwicket, but I can see @Savingshoes is one of those obtuse, men-favouring posters.

You did absolutely the right thing to ask him to leave - and now you need to get him to leave for good.

Most kids if that age are being a monumental pain in the arse but you don't tell them!

Ring your manager now, explain the situation to them and ask to discuss shifts etc. When something similar happened to me my manager and he were great and helped me work out my working patterns to allow me to look after dc and get some sleep.

Pack a bag for your dh and tell him to sling his hook.

The kid will be acting out because he’s scared to be left with your husband during the day when you have to sleep.

Savingshoes

Go read the OP's posts again, the DH is abusive and this is probably behind the child's behaviour. In any case, saying those things to a 6 year old is abusive in itself. Along with ripping up the child's annual. And I would bet that this isn't the only time he's been crap towards his child.

He "allows" OP to have 2 hours sleep after the last night shift. He throws things. He breaks things. And has a temper. All indicative of an abusive person.

OP, wishing you the best here. Going onto days and putting your DS into school might be the best solution. Hope you can get him out soon, as I'd bet your DS's behaviour improves when he's not there.

Your husband’s behaviour has been appalling and what he said would be (for me) unforgivable.

Poor you, it sounds as though you're going through a terrible time. The future must seem scary and impossible right now but you've done the right thing. There is never any justification for saying that or behaving like that towards a child.

Contact Woman's Aid and see if you can talk to a solicitor about getting an injunction to get him out. Tearing up your child's favourite possessions in front of him is very abusive and threatening, and shouting about hating him and wanting to put him into care is simply not acceptable.

HUGS OP!!!

As you say completely inexcusable and your ds will never forget what was said to him. Plus him witnessing his own father tear up one of his books!!! He sounds like an animal and no amount of apologising will change that kind of personality.
My ds's father was the same and behaved the same way so I ended things with him when our ds was 18 months old. He said to my ds as he was leaving... 'Mummy is throwing me out'' !!! and I said nothing as he only had himself to blame... I'd gone through doors being kicked in. clothes torn up, nail varnish thrown and smashed up against walls. He was horrendous so I've worn your shoes.

You have done the right thing. It won't be easy but it will still definitely be onward and upwards from here