Father's death - lack of sympathy/interest

[Lotty32]

My dad died recently and just had a walk with a good friend (socially distancing etc). Wasn't sure whether to tell her and i did in the end. She said she was sorry and then moved conversation on! Despite me being with her for every moment when her father died! AIBU? Know these are strange times but pretty sure she would have behaved this way in normal times!

Sorry for your loss Lotty. Hard at the best of times and worse in these. Sometimes people are a bit crap at reacting to bad news when it drops on them, which isn’t helpful, but I always feel like I do a bad job in face to face bad news situations. Maybe just came as a wee shock to her that you hadn’t text or called her at the time.

Try not to get too focused on it if your friendship is otherwise not so one sided, and if it is, maybe take this situation as an opportunity to distance yourself a little. Only give as much of yourself as you can.

Sorry your friend let you down. I hope things look up a little for you soon ❤️

How long ago did she lose her father? If it’s recent maybe she just couldn’t talk about it?

On the other hand there are people who are just bad with bad news - I never know what to say and if people start crying on me I look around for someone more empathetic to deal with them.

Or she could just be a crap friend - only you will know that.

Sorry for your loss OP

I am so sorry for your loss Lotty. It is really hard to lose a parent - it is a massive event that impacts everything.

I am also sorry that your friend reacted like that. I would give it few days and see if they get back in touch with you, but if they dont, then maybe it is time to re-assess the friendship. I hope she gets home and realises how much support you gave her and reciprocates in kind.

At least you can always be proud of the person you are, a person with empathy and sympathy and a good supportive friend. I hope you can take some comfort from that.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad recently too. Maybe she wasn't sure what to say but she should have taken her cue from you when you were so supportive of her!

Give her time for it to sink in. Maybe she was a bit blindsided at you telling her during the walk and not when it happened, and wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it with her.

So sorry for your loss Lotty. Some people are a bit crap with things like this and struggle to know what to say and some are just crap in general. I hope you're being supported by others ?

Sorry for your loss. Maybe you took your friend my surprise, she might have been thinking you didn’t want to talk about it since you didn’t tell her before your walk?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I know how you feel. My dad died recently and I was unpleasantly shocked by how uninterested a lot of people I had previously thought of as friends seemed. A lot of people are unable to move past their own discomfort with the fact that someone is grieving, I think, and it's really shit that they can't get over themselves and be supportive, but it isn't personal. It did cause me to reassess some of my friendships, though. Try not to let your friend's crappy response intensify your distress, you've got enough to deal with already. Hugs.

I might be reading you wrong but if you both didn’t tell her when it happened, and also waited til the end of your walk then she may have assumed you didn’t want to/weren’t able to speak about it at this time.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. Perhaps she was taken aback as you didn't tell her at the time it happened? You also weren't sure whether to tell her, are you as good friends a you think?

Hope you have had support 💐

I'm sorry for you loss and that you didn't feel supported by your friend.

I'm usually pretty good with supporting friends when they have bad news and I never feel uncomfortable talking about bereavement with someone but I wonder why it wasn't the first thing you told her, why you didn't let her know when it happened and why you weren't sure whether you should tell her at all? You have every right to make these choices but you describe her as a good friend and yet were reticent about sharing this news; in your friends position I would probably conclude you didn't want to talk about it and would think I was being sensitive by not dwelling on it. I would probably have acknowledged that by assuring you I was available if you did want to talk.

I hope you have other people to support you through your grief.

May your father Rest in Peace. Very sorry to hear this news.

Sorry for your loss. It’s always horrible to lose someone but this is a particularly hard and unusual time for it I think. Is it possible your friend was very unsure what to say, or whether you even wanted to talk about it? It’s just that you say that he died ‘recently’ and that you ‘weren’t sure whether to tell her and then did’. It’s kind of unusual (to me, I mean no offence) to even think of not telling a good friend of the death of my father straight away. As in, I would send out an almost immediate call or text. I would be more than a little blindsided if I met a good friend who mentioned in passing during a casual walk that her father had died at some time previously. I would be so taken aback at the delay as well as the death that it might take me a bit to collect my thoughts. Maybe give her a few days and see?

Yanbu. I meet a friend we chat on the school run but knew each other when we were young teenagers.
I told her DM passed from covid she cried and attempted a bear hug me no hugs I was taking back by her kindness.
I'm sorry your friend was so dismissive of your loss some people selfishly only think of themself. It is tough losing a parent.

I'm so sorry - I lost both my parents in fairly rapid succession, and in one case, fairly horrid circumstances. You really see a divide in how people deal with it. I don't resent those friends who said/did nothing, but I do remember those who were there, even travelling 300+ miles in a day to support me at the funeral.

It makes a difference.

I hope you have others around you who you can turn to - it can be a long haul, and some people forget that.

I had a friend like this who had a similar reaction when I told her my father had just died... she actually said, "Oh. Wow. Um - how cheery... so - anything else going on in your life right now?" I was shocked and muttered something about how it was quite hard to focus on anything else currently. Our friendship declined sharply after that.

I do think that some people are just shockingly bad at knowing what to say in such circumstances - to the point they prefer to not discuss it at all - which is dreadful. It's something that I honestly think should be taught in schools.

When my dad died I didn't want to talk about it until quite a long time later. I needed to process it myself and make it real in my head before I told others (because that made it 'real' before I'd really come to terms with it).

Did your friend take her cue from you and think that maybe you were dealing with it in the same way as I did? Did you drop it into conversation in a 'by the way' sort of way, or did you break down in tears and have to explain that was why?

I’m not buying the whole some people just don’t know what to say explanation.

She lost her dead, she saw how you supported her and she should have been able to draw on that experience and support you.

Frankly, she sounds selfish. Is she usually like this?

*she lost her dad

In my experience, it may well be the time we are in at the moment. I've lost both my parents since lockdown, and I have to say I've been stunned by the lack of support - for instance I didn't get a single card even from my parents siblings, and the only phone call was from my cleaner. On the converse, my work colleagues have been amazing even some people I hardly know, and I wonder if its all a bit 'out of sight, out of mind' with other people

A parent dying is massive - it will have a big impact for a very long time. I am surprised how some people don’t seem to realise that. I assume younger people who haven’t lost anyone very close just don’t realise the depth of the loss. And as so many people live longer now maybe many of us haven’t experienced it. I’ve lost both parents. The impact is enormous.

Yeh, I’d have probably said the same as your friend. I’m so bad in these situations that I freeze and literally can’t think of a single thing to say. I lost a good friend once when I reacted like that when she told me she had cancer. It wasn’t a case of not caring as it still torments me nearly 15 years later

Very sorry OP

People just don't know what to say, especially when taken by surprise, so they move the conversation on. Also trying to "cheer you up" by talking about other things - I know it doesn't work like that but it's something most people will do, even without realising they are doing it. Hopefully she will follow up with check ins etc.

So sorry for your loss love.

The usual thing to do in this sort of situation is to give someone a hug, which obviously is tricky right now. Perhaps she just couldn't work an alternative on the spot when she wasn't expecting it and was just panicking about what to do.