Father's death - lack of sympathy/interest

[Lotty32]

My dad died recently and just had a walk with a good friend (socially distancing etc). Wasn't sure whether to tell her and i did in the end. She said she was sorry and then moved conversation on! Despite me being with her for every moment when her father died! AIBU? Know these are strange times but pretty sure she would have behaved this way in normal times!

Thank you maxelly x

I had a friend like this. Could talk for hours about her issues but as soon as I had an issue which was very similar she actually said: 'Just half an hour.' By the time she's made coffee and small talk we had about ten minutes to discuss what was worrying me, when I had spent hours and hours of my life consoling her over a similar issue.
I actually dislike her now and make no effort to be in touch. She used to be a close friend but I've realised she's shown a few equally selfish actions throughout our friendship ('let's take turns to help paint each other's kitchens. Oh, now you've done mine I'm too busy to do yours,' etc.) I don't miss her at all. It's funny. You don't actually miss people who are all take and no give. You get energy from no longer being their sounding board.

@Lotty32 - I am so sorry your father has died. It's hard at any time but right now when we are so limited win where and who to turn for help, it's even tougher. I hope you have some support from family.

If a close friend didn’t tell me as soon as her dad died, I’d be quite taken aback when I was eventually told. I can’t imagine any of my friends telling me straight away. Perhaps she feels the same, OP.

Have you RTT @AlsoHuman?

She probably couldn't find the words. That's not unusual even in best of times. When this crisis is over, she will think of you and your dad. This is a funny old time, what was important a few months ago seems far less so now, people are preoccupied with their own 'stuff'.

I am so sorry about your dad. x

I emailed my oldest and closest friends who knew my father (and it was only 10 days ago) but she is a friend through my DC school so although I have known her for years - that's the connection.

Thx all I do have lots of proper support just thought it was a bit odd and wanted a sanity check! X

She said she was sorry and then moved conversation
I had similar happen to me except I didn’t even get a sorry!

Some people are just awful and they don’t even want to try and sympathise.!

After her parent's death did she want to talk about it?
Did she ask you to support her?

Its just some people don't want to talk, and may not understand others do.
DH's dad died during lockdown and he just doesn't want to talk to friends about it much tbh.

I am so sorry for your loss Lottie. I lost my Dad yesterday and still trying to find courage to tell my friends. It is so hard somehow telling it to others makes it so much more real. I don't even know what sort of reaction I would expect. I have to confess I couldn't deal with such situations and never knew what to say. It is so hard to find the words. I do share your pain.

Thats a terrible reaction.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, (and tandt5)

Its a particularly hard time to lose someone too.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Some people are really weird about death and I'm sure there are thousands of reasons why. But none of them helps you!

I think it's a good idea to put her in the fun friend category and talk here or with someone much more sympathetic in RL.

So sorry for your loss. I found few friends bit flaky after dad died. I just let the friendships go. I feel thats the time you need others. Its all me me busy busy. Had enough excuses!! Mind yourself x

Sorry to hear about your dad and that your friend seemed so unsympathetic. I’m a bit rubbish myself in these situations (although sadly getting better with age and practice). In normal circumstances I would mainly give you a big hug. Perhaps she is the same and the social distancing rules threw her? Only you can really know what your normal relationship with her is. If she’s normally a kind and considerate friend, I’d let it go.

I'm sorry for your loss.

One of my oldest friends died very suddenly on Sunday. Normally I would have been round there like a shot, doing whatever his wife (also a good friend needed) but I can't because of lockdown. I have texted her (she isn't answering her phone) and will take flowers and a card round on Saturday - but otherwise it feels very odd and distant right now.

Hopefully once the news has sunk in for her, she will contact you properly.

So sorry for your loss.

I suppose she might get in touch to apologise for her reaction and explain herself but from what you have said about her she sounds like she is all about herself. Am not even sure I would include her in the 'fun' friend category, just the 'flaky rubbish' friend category!

Sorry for your loss but I wouldn't probably dwell on this topic either unless the person who shared this info would want me to. I'm not good at expressing sympathy because of my lack of empathy, so maybe your friend struggles through this as well. Anyway, it's difficult to find words in a situation like this so I can't blame your friend for feeling uncomfortable while discussing it.

Tandt5 - I am so sorry about your father you must be feeling extremely raw. Took me a few days to send an email to my closet friends (only about 20) many of whom knew him and I wanted them to know. You may wish to do the same when you feel up to it. X

Sorry to read your sad news.
My mum died nearly 6 years ago and I had similar issues. Had one friend who I was really close to years ago at school and college (not so much now) just say sorry or such like and then never checked in again to see how I was. On the other hand, I had wonderful friends who went out of their way to support me which i will never forget or not be thankful for.
I remember mentioning it to someone who diplomatically said something along the lines of 'well sometimes people just don't know what to say', and while i do agree that sometimes whatever you say in these circumstances can seem a bit glib, I think it's a cop out reason!
Try not to take it personally and just focus on you and those around you who are supportive.

Good advice x

Super Soft (((((((Madd Hugs)))))))😢🌺🌼🌺

I’m so sorry about your father and to all who have lost their loved ones. Grief is such an unbearable thing to have to navigate and sadly, because we are rubbish at talking about death, other people just don’t know what to say half the time. When DD2 died I had one friend tell me she knew how I felt because she had lost a rabbit, and another tell me how lucky I was that I had suddenly become really skinny! 🤷‍♀️ Not eating and constantly shaking will do that I guess. Neither of them meant any harm, one was trying to empathise and the other was trying to cheer me up, but at the time it hurt like hell.
I hope you have some friends around you who do know how to support you at this time. Sadly I think there is so much loss at the moment it must be quite a hard time to grieve. If you want to tell us about your father we would love to hear.
The BBC are also doing a tributes page at the moment which may give tou some peace.

@tandt5 That ^ one was for you. ((((Madd Hugs))))🌺🌼🌺

@IHateCoronavirus 🌺🌼🌺 ((((((Madd Hugs))))

Thank for the hugs