Father's death - lack of sympathy/interest

[Lotty32]

My dad died recently and just had a walk with a good friend (socially distancing etc). Wasn't sure whether to tell her and i did in the end. She said she was sorry and then moved conversation on! Despite me being with her for every moment when her father died! AIBU? Know these are strange times but pretty sure she would have behaved this way in normal times!

I'm sorry for your lose Lotty.

It seems strange that you "weren't sure" whether to tell your "good friend" about your father dying... Why weren't you sure? What held you back from telling her? Did you think she might react strangely?

I lost my dad very unexpectedly, nearly 3 years ago, and it was incredibly difficult. But I was also surprised by some reactions. Most people were as you'd expect, very sympathetic and "can I help at all?", a number went above and beyond in a way I didn't expect. For example, the wife of a cousin, who had also lost a parent very suddenly, reached out regularly and deeply with love and support. We are not close, but I've not forgotten her kindness.
In contrast, a cousin I practically grew up with had nothing to say at any point, whereas her sister was wonderful.

People do strange things in the face of unexpected tragedy. If you want or need more from your friend, absolutely ask for it. This is one of the very few times in life when you can say "it's all about me right now".

I read something a while ago about circles of family/friends/acquaintances relating to a personal tragedy. In essence, you should show love inwards, towards those closer, or as close to the tragedy as yourself (your mum, siblings, grandparents, your children), and then vent outwards, towards friends and acquaintances.

I'd give her time to think about it before writing off the friendship. I can see myself reacting in a similar way if I was distracted, you told me at the end of a long, unrelated conversation etc and I wasn't sure how to react. I would then feel a bit ashamed of my reaction after I got home then text /call you along the lines of "sorry about earlier, I know I wasn't being a great friend, I'm here if you need anything etc" Sorry for your loss OP x

Sorry for your loss, OP. Hope you are coping ok?

My only grandparents died when I was in my early teens and then both my parents died when I was still quite young, but I really struggle to empathise adequately with people who have lost a loved one or who are terminally ill themselves.

Ordinarily, I’m very good at making practical arrangements and helping others out, sewing lots of face masks for friends, delivering food etc. to my elderly neighbours during the pandemic, stuff like that.

But, when it comes to dying and death, I just completely freeze and struggle to say anything helpful.

I’ve no idea why your friend didn’t respond as you would have liked her to but I wouldn’t make any assumptions about the friendship based on that one conversation, particularly as you took her unawares.

Sorry for your loss.
Why weren’t you sure wether to tell her or not? If she’s a good friend I would assume it would have been mentioned even before you walked together.

What did you want her to say? Did you want her to ask you about him etc? If you wanted the conversation about him to continue then you should have continued it. She isn’t to know how comfortable you are speaking about it - especially as it toon you so long to tell her.

"Oh. Wow. Um - how cheery... so - anything else going on in your life right now?"

Wow. Your parent having died is what was going on with your life actually. Stupid friend. Ex!

Really appreciate all your comments and advice. Wasn't sure whether to tell her as I was pretty sure she would react the way she did but still disappointed in her! And she is always like this it's all about her and her family (didn't ask me a single thing about my family!)

But she hasn't changed - I just need to man up a bit and either accept the way she is and enjoy her friendship on this basis. So I've answered my own post - think I just needed to rant so thx for your time.

I'm so sorry, OP. That must have been really hurtful.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think when you're reluctant to share a loss, the other person often thinks you don't want to talk about it hence moving the conversation on. It's important to steer the conversation back and ask for support if you want or need it. Some people are selfish and unempathetic. Others are just trying to follow your signs.

When my gran died when I was young, I delayed telling people and then when I did, they acted like your friend did. When my DF died, I told people and I talked in the way I needed to. The support from my friends and colleagues was amazing. Sometimes, we need to learn how to share our grief. As a nation, I think we're particularly bad at it.

I hope you have lots of support. It's important to let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself.

I just need to man up a bit and either accept the way she is and enjoy her friendship on this basis.

Why not ‘man up’ and try and tell her that you need support too? It doesn’t sound like an equal friendship. It would stick in my craw to support someone this selfish.

Sorry for your loss...

I do wonder whether people are becoming slightly desensitised towards death due to the death toll.

I posted a thread yesterday, and yes, in the heat of the moment I used what some would consider inflammatory language, but people were actually ridiculing my bereavement one even told me to "get over it FFS"

I was shocked, but I do wonder whether to some people it's just a case of "Well, it's just another number to add to the toll"

For what it's worth I am truly sorry for your loss and hope you are OK

Lotty I'm so sorry your Dad died. It's an incredibly hard thing to go through in normal times, let alone right now. 🌷

I'm sorry your 'friend' was so awful, but it sounds like that's 'her' and it's a bit of a one way friendship with regard to being supportive.

I think you are right you need to accept she's only a 'fun' friend or ditch her. But definitely don't go out if your way to be there' for her for every little crisis (or big ones!).

Taje care of yourself 🌷

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP, I hope you're getting real life support.

Your friend reminds me of my ex best friend, who once asked me to change the subject when I tried to talk about how I was feeling after a bereavement years ago. (That's not why she's my ex best friend, it was just a typical example of how selfish she really was.)

From what you've said, that reaction was typical of her. People generally don't change that much, I'm sorry to say.

Soft soft ((((((((Madd Madd Hugs)))))🌺🌺🌺😢

@Whattodowhattodooo 🌷your thread was fine x. It just seemed to attract some thoughtless assholes x

@Whattodowhattodooo 😢😢🌺🌺 very Soft ((((Madd Hugs))))

In a similar situation @Lotty32......I am now distancing from someone I believed had been a friend. I now look back and realise this hasn’t been the case for some time.
Take time to take stock. It’s bad enough going through the loss (1 month since I lost dad), don’t feel obligated to keep the friendship going, maybe take some time out from it and then see how you feel.

@Seeitsortit 🌺😢🌺 Soft ((((((((((Madd Madd Hugs))))

So sorry for your loss.

You don’t need to man up - she needs to be less shit. You don’t have to accept selfish heartless people in your life.

Be kind to yourself

Am sorry you've dad has died, losing a loved one and grieving is very hard. Can only imagine what it must be like at the moment with social distancing etc.

I've learnt through my dad dying and working as a nurse. People dealing with death and those grieving very differently. Some are supportive, others would cross the road to avoid interaction.

Look after yourself and seek supportive at the moment to those that will give you the care and understanding you need.

Tak care and be kind to yourself at this incredible hard time.

@Funkyslippers @bringincrazyback @EmeraldShamrock @CMOTDibbler Massive (((((Madd Hugs))) to all of you

And especially @Lotty32

Says something when I get more support from MN strangers than from a friend who I've known for 7 years! Will put her in the "fun" friend camp! X

Death is one of the things that shows people for who they are. It is hard for everyone to talk to someone who has died or support them in some way. Death is scary, as is people's grief. It's hard to say the right thing. I think those that show the strength of character to face it are the good people in this world. Turning your head away might be easier but it adds to an others hurt. I speak with some experience.
Some people have v little empathy - death shows this too. I can't believe anyone is defending your friend. You need people you can depend on. She isn't one of them. I am truly very sorry for your loss.

Gosh, that was pretty unfeeling of her.

So sorry that your dad has gone, it's bad enough whenever it happens but in the middle of all of this, it must be so much worse. Virtual (((hugs))) for you and .

I hope you have other support than this friend, who seems somewhat self-absorbed, to say the least.

I sympathise OP, I lost my father suddenly last year and was also disappointed in some of my friends. I told everyone by text/social media for convenience, and got such lovely supportive messages in the immediate aftermath, including from people I'm not that close too, I was really touched. But then when push came to shove, in person/when I actually needed the support a lot of people just seemed to skirt around the issue, wouldn't ask how I was doing, only want to talk about themselves etc. Basically people talk the talk,about being a great friend, always there for you etc but don't actually follow through when it means they have to make an effort to do so...

At the time it really hurt but I've come to realise we have a really complex and at times unhealthy attitude to death and grief in this country and it's hard for people to navigate and know what to do even if they have good intentions. We tend to avoid/discourage open expressions of grief particularly after the funeral has happened, and people are worried about upsetting you if they actively bring up the topic of your bereavement. If you seem to be doing fine (and I am not a particularly expressive person, I just go quiet if upset, so I always look like I'm OK even if I am really not) then people will just assume you don't want to talk about it or that they will be implying you are in some way weak or not coping if they offer you support. If you do bring up the topic yourself, people struggle to know what to say and it can feel like they are just talking in cliches/platitudes.

I'm not saying this is right at all, it's fucked up, and you are absolutely right to find it upsetting. We are encouraged in this modern era to rely on our friends for emotional support (historically perhaps this would have been more within the structure of family/religion and there were more established 'rituals' around grief, going into mourning for example), and finding that this isn't all it's cracked up to be can be so disenchanting, it makes you wonder if the relationship is genuine or not. But I think crucially it's not personal, its not something you've done, so many people are just trained to be emotionally illiterate unfortunately. Of course it's fine, perhaps even healthy, to want to surround yourself with people who do this stuff better and not offer more of your own support than you get back in return but please don't think it's anything wrong you've done.