Is NDN being unreasonable?

[PeaceLoveAndCandy]

NDN is a friend and my DS and her DS (both 13 YO) are friendly and go to the same school; not in same form but same year. Obviously both doing school lessons from home. My DS is doing ok, not fantastic but ok in the circumstances. NDN's son has totally given up. School have been saying he needs to get his act together and that NDN needs to step up, sort out some sort of routine, monitoring, etc. They are right to be honest, NDN doesn't check on her DS who is mildly autistic. He just games all day and into the early hours. During the day he falls asleep because he's exhausted.

NDN has told me that in order to get him to do some work next week, she doesn't want to tell her DS that it's half term. I feel this is not fair as he will find out anyway and lose trust on his mum. I want to gently suggest she sets an expectation that they together come up with a plan of action this week, then take next week off like all other kids, and then start fresh the week after.

My question is, is my NDN being unreasonable in wanting to do this?

He isn't mildly autistic, he's autistic.

My autistic dd finds it incredibly hard to do school work at home, and we got by OK during lock down as she had a hugely modified timetable/workload. She is now doing better back at school.

She knows her son better than you do, so I wouldn't suggest anything, to be honest.

@Dinomom52 He has very firm ideas of things that are done at school & they are NOT done at home. Home is his safe space, where the difficult things expected of him at school don’t intrude and he can let go & be himself

Exactly like my dd, Dinomom!

No such thing as mildly autistic. He is autistic.

Majorly- the clue's in the name- ASD. it's a spectrum with different levels of severity.

--
OP- I don't think she'll get away with him not finding out!

Well done with getting your ds to manage his work but I wouldn’t get involved with you ndn.

I have a 13yo asd son - I also hate mildly autistic because it seriously affects the individual. It just appears mild to an observer because some are good at hiding
I have similar problems, his anxiety is off the scale. school is for learning and home is not. I have compromised with school that he does English, maths and science plus three others of this choice. He finds the extensive list to overwhelming. This is working better :)
People are too quick to judge

his gaming may be his way of coping and managing his stress. My son spends a lot of time with headphones in for this reason.

The last thing anyone needs at the moment is a neighbour like you.

Yep, another ASD dc here. Really really hard to get 'school' work done at 'home'. She actually attends a weekly boarding school (at her request) so she is really struggling to do any work at all.

OP - do you have experience with looking after NDN child? Do you know what she has to cope with? Do you know how the dc is coping with lockdown?
No?

Then leave her to deal with her child the way she thinks best. Please don't make suggestions to her on how to deal with dc. Especially obvious ones.
I once was advised to consider a 'routine' with my child. I nearly bloody hit the teacher in question! Duh! It is really hard to parent an ASD child in the best of times. I'm sure NDN is doing her best.

Not sure why you’re being attacked, OP, it’s clear you don’t want to interfere and just want to help your friend.

I agree that her son will find out it’s not half term. It would be much better for her to tell the truth but use the week to try and catch him up on the work he has been missing.

It sounds like she’s asked you for your opinion? If she’s a good friend then suggest what would do for your own son if he was in this situation.

And it’s funny how people keep telling OP she’s only a NDN when her OP clearly says she and the other mum are friends. Really nasty people on here.

I don’t tell my son when it’s the school hols. We ease up and just do one or two things in the morning - but ‘fun’ things like TT Rockstars etc. This week I’m letting him slack off a bit in the knowledge that he can catch up next week.

It’s not as if we can go out or anything (we are being strict about lockdown) so we won’t be doing day trips. I don’t want him gaming all day.

I think she is doing what she thinks is right for her family which is the best any of us can do. I might not make the same choice because my children are very different to her son but I would also do my best.

My children are grown up now. Many, many times in their childhood I would shocked/disapproving/impressed/amused by the different choices and parenting decisions I saw around. However in just every case the children have grown up to be loving, productive members of society. I am no longer as judgy or envious as I used to be.

In what context did she tell you about her plan? I don't think she's unreasonable, but I also don't think it will work. He's 13, not 6.

It’s really nothing to do with you. And it’s a really ridiculous thing to have concerns about. As it’s not really been a term in any true sense of the word, half term is just a technicality!

Literally nothing to do with you

Surely NDN made it to do with OP by telling her about it? And by implication she needs OP's DS to keep schtum to make her subterfuge work.

@JudyCoolibar very true, another example of a thread where people just want to stick the boot in to the OP.

I think she will be majorly underestimating her ds if she thinks she can pull this one off.

No such thing as mildly autistic. He is autistic. School sound very unsupportive....... They are doing what they need to do to get through confusing times. School work is far less important than maintaining reasonable mental health.

This sums it up for me, I have a 12 year old pretty much doing zilch work, I could really force this issue but the resultant physical and verbal aggression isn't worth it. The school at least are being semi supportive of me and realising that one computer between three children and me wfh isn't the best situation for home schooling.

He has very firm ideas of things that are done at school & they are NOT done at home. Home is his safe space, where the difficult things expected of him at school don’t intrude and he can let go & be himself

We have the same issue underlying it all. We struggle to get him to do homework, how on earth school thought that doing school work at home was ever going to happen beats me.

There is no half term.

This. He's had bags of downtime already by the sounds of it so she can delineate the time as she sees fit.

It is none of your business. Are you genuinely concerned or did you want to gossip about the neighbors. Seems to be a lot of this lately.
Also ‘mildly autistic’ seems like you are trying to downplay his autism. There is no mildly autistic you are or you aren’t.

Many of my autistic students really struggling with home school. School is learning, home is home. You are asking someone who relies on this to just change their way of thinking overnight. We have found ways to interact with some but others there is no way.

are

YABU. This is absolutely none of your business.

Its none of your business!

Many of my autistic students really struggling with home school. School is learning, home is home. You are asking someone who relies on this to just change their way of thinking overnight. We have found ways to interact with some but others there is no way.

@Standupthisisnotateaparty assuming these are children who attend mainstream schools, don't they usually do homework?

We didn't stop for the Easter holidays and won't for half term. If I let my 7 year old off for a week, we won't be able to get going again. He does less than an hour a day (also ASD) so carrying on through the holidays isn't going to hurt him. It's taken most of lockdown to get into a routine that works, so we'll keep going with it. Likely to keep on through the summer too, depending on when I go back to work.

Roll on September!