Is NDN being unreasonable?

[PeaceLoveAndCandy]

NDN is a friend and my DS and her DS (both 13 YO) are friendly and go to the same school; not in same form but same year. Obviously both doing school lessons from home. My DS is doing ok, not fantastic but ok in the circumstances. NDN's son has totally given up. School have been saying he needs to get his act together and that NDN needs to step up, sort out some sort of routine, monitoring, etc. They are right to be honest, NDN doesn't check on her DS who is mildly autistic. He just games all day and into the early hours. During the day he falls asleep because he's exhausted.

NDN has told me that in order to get him to do some work next week, she doesn't want to tell her DS that it's half term. I feel this is not fair as he will find out anyway and lose trust on his mum. I want to gently suggest she sets an expectation that they together come up with a plan of action this week, then take next week off like all other kids, and then start fresh the week after.

My question is, is my NDN being unreasonable in wanting to do this?

OP hasn't asked if she should say something (and she shouldn't). She's simply asking opinions on am anonymous forum whether others would do the same in her opinion. Posts saying keep your beak out don't answer the question.

OP, I would be tempted to do as she had, but not sure it would go down well withan autistic 13 year old when he inevitably finds out! She has made life harder for herself and her DS if he's fallen way behind other kids when he goes back. A lot of parents will be in the same position and I worry how teachers will cope with the huge gaps in some kids learning Vs others. Possibly they'll set up some kind of streaming system within the class.

*in that situation, not in her opinion! Not had enough coffee yet!

She's the mum, she has to work out what's best for her ds. Suggest you let her do what she thinks is best.

WTF it has zero to do with you!

We all parent differently with hopefully our children's interest at heart
Concentrate on your own child and support her with her decision
It's a difficult time for everyone

There is no half term.
I think your better getting your own son to do a bit each day, as I bet he has not been doing 9 to 3 each day with breaks.

nothing to do with you unless they're asking you to pretend it isn't half term or get your DS to deliberately not mention it. I'd try and back off from that and be non-commital.

I don't see why its an issue. So what if its half term? If he has been lazing around doing nothing all this time, he can start getting things back to normal during that week - if he is way behind he's already had his time off

Mind your own fucking business

None of your business. My DS does some school work everyday whether it's a weekday, weekend or school holiday. It keeps both of us sane. If she needs to get him to do more work then she can tell him what she wants.

Not your circus, not your monkeys, OP.

I have an autistic son in year 6.
Lockdown has been a nightmare for him.

His engagement with his work has got progressively worse as the weeks have gone by. This week has been particularly bad.

Come june 1, he is going back to school for his own sake (ie transition). And I dont care what anyone else thinks.

He has an autistic friend in the same class who has not been out of the house, or done any work whatsoever. He has just stayed in his room all day. Would I judge her?? Like hell I would. Shes got 4 kids and works full time. And her youngest is showing signs of having more severe autism. Shes a nice person, doing her best in a difficult situation.

If someone told me right now that I had to step up and create routine and this and that and the other they wouldn't be a friend any more.

A better tactic would be to ask your friend how you can support her. She knows how bad the situation is. She doesnt need a parent with no direction experience to point out the bloody obvious.

He’s going to find out anyway from his friends!

If the NDN asked you for advice, OP, the best thing would be for you to be supportive, recognise that she is struggling, and make some helpful suggestions.
For example, autistics usually prefer a fairly set routine, so she should set a regular bedtime, put a limit on the hours of gaming, and do the schoolwork at set times similar to lesson periods at school, say 2 hours at a time, then a break.
Autistics also often have rigid ideas of right and wrong, and lying to him about half term could lead to a meltdown if he finds out. Better to be honest with him, say it’s half term, and some treats or outings for exercise will be happening, but that he will still have a couple of hours a day of catch up schoolwork to make up what he has missed.

Most of my relatives and one of my DC are autistic (as am I also) and the unstructured days the NDN is giving her child sound a nightmare.
If you can help without making her feel criticised, take the chance. She may be grateful for some nonjudgmental support!

I plan on continuing to drip feed my son his school work across the holidays. He puts up such a fight each day to do the bare minimum that it’s the only way I can do it. So come the half term I’ll still be plugging away. Maybe not as diligently but we’ll still be doing some maths and English each day.

Butt out.

Unless there are far more complicated issues with her DS, I simply can't believe he won't realise it's half term anyway!!!!!

Agree with the others that it's really not your decision/battle. With my slightly lazy DS who's 12, I told him that he needed to do some work over the Easter holiday so I can't see why your NDN can't just have the argument with her son rather than pretend half term isn't happening!

Wtf has it got to do with you?? Mind your own business op!

Your NDN is struggling to get her son to engage, he has done no work and has chosen to game instead of doing schoolwork and your suggestion is to give him even more of a break from school?

Helpful

I would be suggesting be honest with him, it is half term so he will find out from friends, he's had his break already, time to pull up his socks and he needs to use half term to get into a good routine and catch up on work in preparation for new work after half term. Maybe if he does apply himself he can have a day or two off at the end of half term. Suggestions on how to get him to engage with school work and get into a routine over half term would be much more supportive.

If your neighbour asks you for help or advice, do what you can to offer support.

He'll probably find out himself regarding half term.

The parent has made the best decision for her son. If/when he finds out she can explain he had his half term early and needs to catch up or however she wants to spin it. I doubt trust will be damaged.

Postponing school work and routine school have suggested another week because it is half term in my opinion would be a poor choice. And if she wants to avoid the argument and tantrum over him working during half term that is not a big deal.

Doesn’t make sense
If he’s not working during school time why is she expecting him to randomly start during half term?

Oh and both mine will definitely be doing school work

Brilliant stuff set by the school and they are enjoying. Hour in morning and half hour in afternoon. 7 and almost 10

Well this isn’t going how the op was probably hoping. I don’t think she’ll be back 😂

I have an autistic son, although a lot younger.

He has very firm ideas of things that are done at school & they are NOT done at home. Home is his safe space, where the difficult things expected of him at school don’t intrude and he can let go & be himself.

If your child isn’t autistic op, you have no idea the challenges she’s facing. Especially if she’s trying to work from home as well....

I wouldn’t do or say anything and would trust that she knows the best thing to do for her child in this situation. How would you feel if she started criticising and judging your parenting?