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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help settle an argument- Xbox and teen related

53 replies

Coronaedout · 19/05/2020 16:40

AIBU to only allow Xbox from midday on Friday until 10pm Sunday night for 13 yo DS?
Apparently ALL other parents allow their children on everyday and I’m horribly unreasonable for not allowing him.

He’s normally dead sporty and plays football 4 times a week. He does his school work daily and some zoom sports classes.
I don’t want him glued to the screen all hours and he can’t seem to self-regulate - I allowed him on at Easter whenever he liked and he was never off it, even ate his food super fast to get back on.

So
YABU - let him play as much as he likes
YANBU - limited playing is fine

Thanks in advance, I thought this the easiest way to answer the “everyone else can play all the time” argument .

OP posts:

backaftera2yearbreak · 19/05/2020 17:40

I let my 11 year d self regulate. He’s now bored of it.

Wendigogo · 19/05/2020 17:41

Honestly for most kids I just don't see the virtue in limiting gaming time, just as long as you encourage other hobbies too.

I grew up with games, I'm convinced they helped make me a high achiever. I also played sports and musical instruments so it's not as if I was gaming at all hours.

I dont think we ever had any gaming relating arguments. If my parents had imposed time limits I'm sure that would have actually created arguments, as I'd have felt it arbitrary and pointless.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/05/2020 17:43

There's a midway
I let mine play every day at the moment but only after school hours. At the weekend he has to have a break after playing for 2 hours of 2 hours, until the evening when he play for 3.
This is lockdown rules not normal rules but I do let him play every day normally, just for less time

pilates · 19/05/2020 17:46

If he’s doing his school work and zoom sports classes, I would let him tbh. I have tried thinking how I would have been as a young teenager with lockdown and I think I would have been a pita. At least on Xbox they can talk to their friends.

Waveysnail · 19/05/2020 17:48

New thing here so. He has to do all schools work - usually takes until 2 then chores each day so helping clean house, changing bed, helping prep dinner. Then he is free to play on xbox until bedtime at the moment.

BiblioX · 19/05/2020 17:51

You’re not wrong. You’re doing what you believe must suitable for the child you have.
I have 3 teens. I limit playing on computers to the weekend and have done since they were little.

anothernamechangeagain · 19/05/2020 17:51

It would be healthier to allow him on it for say 2 hours on week days then maybe 4 on weekends than let him on continuously all weekend.

I just chose numbers btw obviously you'd choose the number of hours you think is reasonable.

His time would be on the basis he'd finished his school work and had some fresh air or exercise.

georgialondon · 19/05/2020 17:52

YABU. That's too extreme

anothernamechangeagain · 19/05/2020 17:55

*How about a trial of allowing him more access but if he can't self police then the old rules come back in. Give him guidelines like he must eat dinner with the family, does a good job on his homework etc.

show him that you trust him to do the right thing.*

This is a good idea too. Set out the things you'd like him to do each day;

Meals with family (if that's something you do)
Any chores he has
Schoolwork for x number of hours
Exercise
Anything else that's important to you
Bed at a certain time and Xbox switched off an hour before that time

Then he can use Xbox as much as he likes around this.

Wendigogo · 19/05/2020 17:58

Also, you say he's normally very sporty, so its not as if he's a gaming addict, he just cant do his preferred hobbies at the moment.

You were upset that, over Easter, he rushed his food so he could get back to gaming. I doubt you'd have felt similarly upset if he was rushing food so that he could get back to playing sport, reading a book or another activity.

As long as a child has other interests I dont understand why gaming is treated like the bogeyman.

LouiseTrees · 19/05/2020 18:00

Give him an hour each week night and tell him if he rushes work to get on it then you’ll remove privileges the next night.

OneForMeToo · 19/05/2020 18:01

We have never set a limit just a when we say off it’s off any arguments or crying and then it will be off for a whole day. Works fine here. Only people I know who binge grew up restricted or get restricted then go nuts at their friends houses on them outside of lockdown obviously.

flygirl767 · 19/05/2020 18:14

My son is allowed on every day from 4pm. That ensures school work is done and exercise taken (when I can drag him out!). I don't think keeping him off it for 5 days is very fair, surely he wants to chat to his friends? This is what my son likes best as well as the games.

He also says his friends are on all day every day but after doing a FB post asking what other parents do, it seems that this is not really the case, just the odd couple of friends who are totally unrestricted

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 19/05/2020 18:22

Limited is fine but I think x hours per day is a fairer and better system than as much as you can cram in at weekends. If he doesn't do his work properly then you can take away time the next day.

My ds wants to leave the dinner table to play ps but we have a rule that he needs to sit at the table for at least 20 minutes before he gets to leave. There's obviously exceptions if he's ill or something but he doesn't wild down his food and run off.

TheSmelliestHouse · 19/05/2020 18:24

Yabu

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 19/05/2020 18:25

Just seen that your son prefers unlimited weekend time. I guess it feels like he's getting more potential hours that way.

I'd be telling him that you're switching to the x hours per day system until his homework quality improves.

forgivemeimnew · 19/05/2020 18:32

I would either give him x hours per day or allowed on each evening when work is to a good standard, and if it isn’t he forfeits that days play.
I wouldn’t want him on for the full weekend though, it would still be set times just more of them at the weekend.

mudpiemaker · 19/05/2020 18:33

I have a 17 year old and a 14 year old, both boys.

I broke this down into very simple terms from a much younger age but it translates to pretty much every situation. I get what I want means you get what you want.

I want to take you shoe shopping because you need new school shoes, I expect and want you to be compliant, polite, and well behaved, if I get this then you get X whatever X may be, that is gaming, tv, etc.

So now it would be, you stick to the chore list, which they do, so unpacking the dishwasher, helping to make lunch if not making lunch for everyone in the family, setting the table, stripping your beds and washing bedding, putting dried bedding back onto your beds etc etc. Do this without complaint, be polite. Any backchat over this results in loss of gaming time.

Plus putting in effort for homework, not bare minimum and having X amount of time for lunch so no rushing food down. In school/sixth form their effort grade is outstanding and their grades are high. This shows me that they understand what is expected of them.

They get a huge amount of time on their games in lockdown because they are not seeing their friends, no after school clubs etc so they are chatting to their friends whilst gaming with them. All school work is pretty much done before 1pm but they are up at 7am.

RedskyAtnight · 19/05/2020 18:35

This might be acceptable in normal times.

But at the moment xbox will be a way that he is socialising and he's limited in other activities that he can do.

I agree that you specify things you want him to do (school work to acceptable standard, sports classes, eat meal with family etc) and say that you'll trust him to be sensible. I'd also get him to agree that what you are asking for is reasonable, so he's got buy in. Stress you'll get stricter if he doesn't follow the expectations.

Purpleartichoke · 19/05/2020 18:37

Given the current state of things, I personally might set limits on school days but allow free time on other days.

I would also require a minimum presence at the dinner table, carve out occasional family time, and reserve the right to interrupt and ask for help with household chores (within reason, I prefer assigning chores and expecting kids to manage their time to complete them, but sometimes things pop up).

RedskyAtnight · 19/05/2020 18:38

Those who restrict access to their teens - what else they are doing during the lockdown? Like's OP's DS, my DC's usual "non-screen" pursuits are not available to them at the moment. There's a limit to how many cakes you can bake (though DD is trying to hit it).

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2020 18:41

I agree with restricting, but just to weekends is a bit mean I feel. He's not seeing anyone at all, so ease up a bit.

Marriedtoapenguin · 19/05/2020 18:43

Are you aware of the xbox app and the parental controls?

You can set up screen time of x hours a day after which they have to request additional time from you.

You also get the marvellous nuclear strike from space option of switching the xbox off remotely.

Believe me you only need to use it once.

TimeWastingButFun · 19/05/2020 18:48

We let them go on theirs as long as they finish their school work each day. At the moment this is their connection to their friends - they play online so it's a crucial bit of social interaction at the moment. As long as the balance is there. You could get him to find out when his friends are on mostly to make sure he's able to link up at the same times?

Brutalhonestybrigade · 19/05/2020 18:51

I'm also wondering, what so you expect him to be doing during the evenings instead?

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