Help settle an argument- Xbox and teen related

[Coronaedout]

AIBU to only allow Xbox from midday on Friday until 10pm Sunday night for 13 yo DS?
Apparently ALL other parents allow their children on everyday and I’m horribly unreasonable for not allowing him.

He’s normally dead sporty and plays football 4 times a week. He does his school work daily and some zoom sports classes.
I don’t want him glued to the screen all hours and he can’t seem to self-regulate - I allowed him on at Easter whenever he liked and he was never off it, even ate his food super fast to get back on.

So
YABU - let him play as much as he likes
YANBU - limited playing is fine

Thanks in advance, I thought this the easiest way to answer the “everyone else can play all the time” argument .

[prismWitch]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is hard to strike a right balance when parenting and only you know your kid and what would be the right thing for him.

13 years is old enough to be able to reason with. Also good time to teach actions = consequences.

I would maybe talk to him and ask him what are his expectations, and try to work from there. Ask him what he thinks would be reasonable amount of time on xbox, try to work out something and put rules in.

Give him a few weeks trail of new rules and tell him that if homework, house work or his attitude will slip, the new rules are being scrapped.

Make rules clear:

• Meals are eaten with family, and no leavingtable until people finished
  
• Homework has to be done
  
• House work that is his responsility needs to be finished
  
• Attitude towards members of household needs to ok
  
• Any family trips or activities have to be attended without moaning.
  

Or any other rules you want to put in. That is just an example. If stuff is clear it should be fine. Games are not bad, tv is not bad and books are not bad.

You can even tell him that there will be no limits on his gaming as he is old enough to learn to self regulate. It does not mean he can spend whole days palying xbox, just that he needs to learn responsibilty for his actions. If he will not self regulate, you will have to do it for him, so balls is in his corner. You are going to trust him and it is up to him to prove that it was right thing to do.

[Tiramisuiloveyou]

We were somewhere in between where you are in terms of strictness with X box. But somehow at the start of year 11 he wised up on his own and rarely went on it. He is a bright lad and has really good predicted grades. He can also have a good debate about it (he is socialising with friends and who are all scattered about and he cant see face to face now anyway, he isn’t doing drugs, drinking or hanging about the streets or getting into trouble with the police like X, Y and Z from primary school are. However, he is on it now most afternoons until 9pm but he will come down for meals, watch the occasional film with us, comes on the occasional dog walk with us or come down for a family quiz etc.

[AuntieAl]

Have a conversation with him about it, give him the control. Tell him your non-negotiables ie. School work, specific chores, exercise etc explain your concerns and why, so he gets an idea if what your worries are.
Then hand it to him to find a solution that pleases both of you, you might be surprised at how considered his ideas can be.

[Brutalhonestybrigade]

I'm also wondering, what so you expect him to be doing during the evenings instead?

[TimeWastingButFun]

We let them go on theirs as long as they finish their school work each day. At the moment this is their connection to their friends - they play online so it's a crucial bit of social interaction at the moment. As long as the balance is there. You could get him to find out when his friends are on mostly to make sure he's able to link up at the same times?

[Marriedtoapenguin]

Are you aware of the xbox app and the parental controls?

You can set up screen time of x hours a day after which they have to request additional time from you.

You also get the marvellous nuclear strike from space option of switching the xbox off remotely.

Believe me you only need to use it once.

[Nanny0gg]

I agree with restricting, but just to weekends is a bit mean I feel. He's not seeing anyone at all, so ease up a bit.

[RedskyAtnight]

Those who restrict access to their teens - what else they are doing during the lockdown? Like's OP's DS, my DC's usual "non-screen" pursuits are not available to them at the moment. There's a limit to how many cakes you can bake (though DD is trying to hit it).

[Purpleartichoke]

Given the current state of things, I personally might set limits on school days but allow free time on other days.

I would also require a minimum presence at the dinner table, carve out occasional family time, and reserve the right to interrupt and ask for help with household chores (within reason, I prefer assigning chores and expecting kids to manage their time to complete them, but sometimes things pop up).

[RedskyAtnight]

This might be acceptable in normal times.

But at the moment xbox will be a way that he is socialising and he's limited in other activities that he can do.

I agree that you specify things you want him to do (school work to acceptable standard, sports classes, eat meal with family etc) and say that you'll trust him to be sensible. I'd also get him to agree that what you are asking for is reasonable, so he's got buy in. Stress you'll get stricter if he doesn't follow the expectations.

[mudpiemaker]

I have a 17 year old and a 14 year old, both boys.

I broke this down into very simple terms from a much younger age but it translates to pretty much every situation. I get what I want means you get what you want.

I want to take you shoe shopping because you need new school shoes, I expect and want you to be compliant, polite, and well behaved, if I get this then you get X whatever X may be, that is gaming, tv, etc.

So now it would be, you stick to the chore list, which they do, so unpacking the dishwasher, helping to make lunch if not making lunch for everyone in the family, setting the table, stripping your beds and washing bedding, putting dried bedding back onto your beds etc etc. Do this without complaint, be polite. Any backchat over this results in loss of gaming time.

Plus putting in effort for homework, not bare minimum and having X amount of time for lunch so no rushing food down. In school/sixth form their effort grade is outstanding and their grades are high. This shows me that they understand what is expected of them.

They get a huge amount of time on their games in lockdown because they are not seeing their friends, no after school clubs etc so they are chatting to their friends whilst gaming with them. All school work is pretty much done before 1pm but they are up at 7am.

[forgivemeimnew]

I would either give him x hours per day or allowed on each evening when work is to a good standard, and if it isn’t he forfeits that days play.
I wouldn’t want him on for the full weekend though, it would still be set times just more of them at the weekend.

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

Just seen that your son prefers unlimited weekend time. I guess it feels like he's getting more potential hours that way.

I'd be telling him that you're switching to the x hours per day system until his homework quality improves.

[TheSmelliestHouse]

Yabu

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

Limited is fine but I think x hours per day is a fairer and better system than as much as you can cram in at weekends. If he doesn't do his work properly then you can take away time the next day.

My ds wants to leave the dinner table to play ps but we have a rule that he needs to sit at the table for at least 20 minutes before he gets to leave. There's obviously exceptions if he's ill or something but he doesn't wild down his food and run off.

[flygirl767]

My son is allowed on every day from 4pm. That ensures school work is done and exercise taken (when I can drag him out!). I don't think keeping him off it for 5 days is very fair, surely he wants to chat to his friends? This is what my son likes best as well as the games.

He also says his friends are on all day every day but after doing a FB post asking what other parents do, it seems that this is not really the case, just the odd couple of friends who are totally unrestricted

[OneForMeToo]

We have never set a limit just a when we say off it’s off any arguments or crying and then it will be off for a whole day. Works fine here. Only people I know who binge grew up restricted or get restricted then go nuts at their friends houses on them outside of lockdown obviously.

[LouiseTrees]

Give him an hour each week night and tell him if he rushes work to get on it then you’ll remove privileges the next night.

[Wendigogo]

Also, you say he's normally very sporty, so its not as if he's a gaming addict, he just cant do his preferred hobbies at the moment.

You were upset that, over Easter, he rushed his food so he could get back to gaming. I doubt you'd have felt similarly upset if he was rushing food so that he could get back to playing sport, reading a book or another activity.

As long as a child has other interests I dont understand why gaming is treated like the bogeyman.

[anothernamechangeagain]

How about a trial of allowing him more access but if he can't self police then the old rules come back in. Give him guidelines like he must eat dinner with the family, does a good job on his homework etc.

show him that you trust him to do the right thing.

This is a good idea too. Set out the things you'd like him to do each day;

Meals with family (if that's something you do)
Any chores he has
Schoolwork for x number of hours
Exercise
Anything else that's important to you
Bed at a certain time and Xbox switched off an hour before that time

Then he can use Xbox as much as he likes around this.

[georgialondon]

YABU. That's too extreme

[anothernamechangeagain]

It would be healthier to allow him on it for say 2 hours on week days then maybe 4 on weekends than let him on continuously all weekend.

I just chose numbers btw obviously you'd choose the number of hours you think is reasonable.

His time would be on the basis he'd finished his school work and had some fresh air or exercise.

[BiblioX]

You’re not wrong. You’re doing what you believe must suitable for the child you have.
I have 3 teens. I limit playing on computers to the weekend and have done since they were little.

[Waveysnail]

New thing here so. He has to do all schools work - usually takes until 2 then chores each day so helping clean house, changing bed, helping prep dinner. Then he is free to play on xbox until bedtime at the moment.

[pilates]

If he’s doing his school work and zoom sports classes, I would let him tbh. I have tried thinking how I would have been as a young teenager with lockdown and I think I would have been a pita. At least on Xbox they can talk to their friends.