To ask DD dad to look after her Mon-Fri

[Ginnyrellas]

My daughter is 9 years old and her dad lives a 35 min drive away from us. One week before lock down i started a new job and I’ve just been given the opportunity to really get my foot in the door with the company in a different position that could really change my career, something that can give us a better life after all the hard work.
That’s not an issue now, but when my DH gets asked to go back to work (he is currently furloughed) and is in the manufacturing industry so it could be any point. I’m going to struggled to do the hours required because of a change in school hours. My DD would normally attend breakfast club and after school clubs.
DD father and his wife are unemployed and although we all get on really well, I’ve never received a penny in maintaince.
Would IBU to ask her dad to have her mon-fri while all this is going on while I pursue this? Or would that make me a terrible mother by putting my career first?

[Waveysnail]

While your dh is furloughed perhaps she could go to dads - Monday to Thursday night? Then eases dd in more

[Ginnyrellas]

Whilst my DH is still furloughed she will still be here. This is only a measure for when he is asked to return to work. Which his employer aren’t being very transparent about. He works in A very niche market of manufacturing so it’s very touch and go.
As I say it will be a temp measure until she returns to school

[Ginnyrellas]

@Antipodeancousin

I very much doubt that will happen. We all enjoy a good relationship. No falling out or squabbling between all four of us. We’re actually quite good friends really.

[pinkyredrose]

I’ve offered to pay him some money for extra food and treats etc You intend to pay her father to look after her? Even though he's never paid you a penny for all the years you've looked after her?

Give your head a wobble and let him know it's his turn to do some parenting.

[MitziK]

I'd be wary of the possibility that they would use it as the basis for claiming extra benefits/child benefit and gaining residence of her, myself.

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

It’s not childcare it’s you not being thr primary carer anymore. I couldn’t not see my children every day. No way. At the end of your life if you don’t have the close relationship you want with your child because your ex raised her- will your job seem worth it then? Why can’t just go into wrap round care like most other working parents children?

[Purpleartichoke]

The very least he could do in this scenario is be a parent during your work hours.

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

How would your daughter feel about being told to move to her dads from her mums? She’ll feel rejected! Also why would you ask her to move in with unemployed parents while you better your life? I think you’re incredibly selfish. Many parents have high flying careers and kids at home.

[Wishforsnow]

He sounds like the type that could put in a csa claim for you to pay him maintenance even though he's never paid a penny

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I agree with the poster suggesting you pick her up at the end of the day and bring her home for tea etc. Would that be possible?

[Notcontent]

I think you should just pick her up daily. Otherwise the dynamics will change completely - he will become the main parent.

[GabriellaMontez]

He's workshy.

You're offering him money to not go to work. Can you see where this will end up?

Him volunteering for redundancy. Claiming CMS from you.

Telling the courts hes the main carer. That she loves being with her sister.


Whilst never having paid a penny himself.

[copycopypaste]

Sounds like a completely reasonable request to me.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Why would he give her back?

No matter how friendly you think you are he is your ex and if he relies on benefits your dd moving in even though you believe it is just a temporary measure it could open his eyes to how much more money he could claim and he might not want to give up that money when you want her back.

Fine if you want to pay him for childcare Monday-Friday and do drop offs and pickups at his house but I wouldn’t have her stay over night apart from on the Friday night of his weekend

[Disfordarkchocolate]

What happens if he doesn't want to change back? He could easily do this, and ask for maintenance from you.

[Ginnyrellas]

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal
I think your jumping the boat a little bit there I’m not asking him to raise her. I’m asking him to do what I’ve been doing for the past 9 years for as little as 3 months as a maximum. During a time where I have no other alternative. Obviously other than send her to school which she can go as I am a key worker. However I would have to drastically cut my hours at the job I’m currently working which again would impact on our life style and livelihood. And it’s not just to better my life but to better my family’s life as a whole.

My DD dad is not a scum bag either, work shy and lazy maybe, but he’s not a malicious bad person who would take me to court.

Maybe it would be selfish of me to accept.

[diddl]

I think that I'd rather look for a nanny tbh.

[GabriellaMontez]

What if he decides she'd be better off with him? And you can keep all of you comfortable with your new job?

Is she better off with him? Why?

[OneForMeToo]

He may be a good dad but are you prepare to lose custody?

If she lives with him for three months he is now the resident parent and entitled to extra benefits for having her as well. Plus what if she doesn’t want to come “home” after living with her dad and step mum and little sibling?

You would be much better paying him a tenner or twenty a week to do before/after school care and pick her up for the evenings still.

[teenagetantrums]

I would. You could pick her up Friday evening and drop her back Monday morning. So she gets 3 nights with you and 4with her dad. If she's happy with it better for all in long term.

[PicsInRed]

I wouldn't simply because he will be wrongly (but technically by law) able to argue he is the parent with majority care.

Is he a difficult person?

Be very, very careful about this, OP.

[Anotheruser02]

I would be wary for all of the reasons stated, you feel he is reasonable, not a taker, wouldn't take you to court. He needs you to see him in a good light as someone entitled to claim CM from him but choosing not to. You don't really know how the tables could change when he is in the position of being entitled to claim from you. I don't think you would be unreasonable in the slightest, your child would not suffer and it's not a cheeky ask, but maybe you are being naive to think he would absolutely definitely not change when he doesn't have it in the back of his mind that he owes you any more.

[Tootletum]

It's a totally reasonable ask but I wouldn't raise it until you actually have a date by which your DH is going back to work. If his employer is being vague it's surely possible they're considering large redundancies? In which case this issue/arrangement would never arise.

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

@Ginnyrellas I think you mean jumping the gun? It’s not clear in your Op that this is temporary. That makes it different if it’s only for a short time but I would still ask to pick up at the end of every day and have her home for bed and bath ect.

You can have both you know your family and a career. I would think very carefully before asking her to go over there more, as many have said he could been seen as the main parent and you could end up with EOW.

[Ginnyrellas]

@Tootle
Yes I won’t be raising it until it does become an issue.