To ask DD dad to look after her Mon-Fri

[Ginnyrellas]

My daughter is 9 years old and her dad lives a 35 min drive away from us. One week before lock down i started a new job and I’ve just been given the opportunity to really get my foot in the door with the company in a different position that could really change my career, something that can give us a better life after all the hard work.
That’s not an issue now, but when my DH gets asked to go back to work (he is currently furloughed) and is in the manufacturing industry so it could be any point. I’m going to struggled to do the hours required because of a change in school hours. My DD would normally attend breakfast club and after school clubs.
DD father and his wife are unemployed and although we all get on really well, I’ve never received a penny in maintaince.
Would IBU to ask her dad to have her mon-fri while all this is going on while I pursue this? Or would that make me a terrible mother by putting my career first?

[TippledPink]

I would just work out worst case scenario that he will claim maintenance from you and claim Child Benefit for her, as well as decide she is settled and better off with him. Not saying it's going to happen, you seem to trust him but you can never trust someone 100%. It would be better to be prepared for the worst case scenario and it didn't happen then it did happen and you couldn't do anything to go back in time to change it.

Work out how much you would have to pay in maintenance in case he does decide to claim, and work out if you would be comfortable being non resident parent going forward. Just be prepared.

He doesn't pay maintenance because you said he doesn't work, if someone is on benefits it's normally £5 a week they have to pay which is nothing.

[Home42]

My 9 year old DD is doing weeks with her Dad whilst I am wfh and he is furloughed. Normally she is 5 days a week with me but needs must. Everyone is enjoying the change. DD likes seeing her Dad more, he is enjoying having something to do during the week. I need the peace to get work done.

[diddl]

"Someone even suggested a nanny being better?"

I suggested a nanny-thinking that Op's daughter might prefer things as they are-living with her mum & "visiting" her dad.

Of course if Op could collect her daughter every night then effectively things wouldn't change & her daughter wouldn't be essentially moving out.

[PicsInRed]

Be careful Ginny.

Good luck. 💐

[Ginnyrellas]

If DD dad was ever going to go to court he would of done it years ago. It wouldn’t happen in a million years. Just because most split families want to tear shreds into each other doesn’t mean everyone does. It’s called mutual respect for each other. Just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean we aren’t all a very close family unit. And just because they don’t work doesn’t mean they are money grabbers and would use DD as a meal ticket for more benefits. I’m sorry but they are just not like that.

[PicsInRed]

MrsBlue4

Because once the basis of this, he could be awarded majority care by family court and the OP could end up with EOW (whilst still doing the wife work, drs, school etc). That's why.

[MrsBlue4]

Some of the replies on this are ridiculous. Of course it's reasonable for your daughter's father to take care of her for most of the week while the schools are off. Someone even suggested a nanny being better? So you would rather a stranger take care of your child rather than their own parent? Based on what? Because he doesn't work he must be a monster 😂

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

I must say I love a misused phrase- makes me laugh! Sorry I probably missed that update. It’s up to you at the end of the day I would take the new job though but don’t give up time with your daughter- you may regret it! Good luck

[Ginnyrellas]

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal

Yes that’s what I meant 😂😂 sorry I did post a comment after my OP stating it was temporary.

[Ginnyrellas]

@Tootle
Yes I won’t be raising it until it does become an issue.

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

@Ginnyrellas I think you mean jumping the gun? It’s not clear in your Op that this is temporary. That makes it different if it’s only for a short time but I would still ask to pick up at the end of every day and have her home for bed and bath ect.

You can have both you know your family and a career. I would think very carefully before asking her to go over there more, as many have said he could been seen as the main parent and you could end up with EOW.

[Tootletum]

It's a totally reasonable ask but I wouldn't raise it until you actually have a date by which your DH is going back to work. If his employer is being vague it's surely possible they're considering large redundancies? In which case this issue/arrangement would never arise.

[Anotheruser02]

I would be wary for all of the reasons stated, you feel he is reasonable, not a taker, wouldn't take you to court. He needs you to see him in a good light as someone entitled to claim CM from him but choosing not to. You don't really know how the tables could change when he is in the position of being entitled to claim from you. I don't think you would be unreasonable in the slightest, your child would not suffer and it's not a cheeky ask, but maybe you are being naive to think he would absolutely definitely not change when he doesn't have it in the back of his mind that he owes you any more.

[PicsInRed]

I wouldn't simply because he will be wrongly (but technically by law) able to argue he is the parent with majority care.

Is he a difficult person?

Be very, very careful about this, OP.

[teenagetantrums]

I would. You could pick her up Friday evening and drop her back Monday morning. So she gets 3 nights with you and 4with her dad. If she's happy with it better for all in long term.

[OneForMeToo]

He may be a good dad but are you prepare to lose custody?

If she lives with him for three months he is now the resident parent and entitled to extra benefits for having her as well. Plus what if she doesn’t want to come “home” after living with her dad and step mum and little sibling?

You would be much better paying him a tenner or twenty a week to do before/after school care and pick her up for the evenings still.

[GabriellaMontez]

What if he decides she'd be better off with him? And you can keep all of you comfortable with your new job?

Is she better off with him? Why?

[diddl]

I think that I'd rather look for a nanny tbh.

[Ginnyrellas]

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal
I think your jumping the boat a little bit there I’m not asking him to raise her. I’m asking him to do what I’ve been doing for the past 9 years for as little as 3 months as a maximum. During a time where I have no other alternative. Obviously other than send her to school which she can go as I am a key worker. However I would have to drastically cut my hours at the job I’m currently working which again would impact on our life style and livelihood. And it’s not just to better my life but to better my family’s life as a whole.

My DD dad is not a scum bag either, work shy and lazy maybe, but he’s not a malicious bad person who would take me to court.

Maybe it would be selfish of me to accept.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

What happens if he doesn't want to change back? He could easily do this, and ask for maintenance from you.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Why would he give her back?

No matter how friendly you think you are he is your ex and if he relies on benefits your dd moving in even though you believe it is just a temporary measure it could open his eyes to how much more money he could claim and he might not want to give up that money when you want her back.

Fine if you want to pay him for childcare Monday-Friday and do drop offs and pickups at his house but I wouldn’t have her stay over night apart from on the Friday night of his weekend

[copycopypaste]

Sounds like a completely reasonable request to me.

[GabriellaMontez]

He's workshy.

You're offering him money to not go to work. Can you see where this will end up?

Him volunteering for redundancy. Claiming CMS from you.

Telling the courts hes the main carer. That she loves being with her sister.


Whilst never having paid a penny himself.

[Notcontent]

I think you should just pick her up daily. Otherwise the dynamics will change completely - he will become the main parent.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I agree with the poster suggesting you pick her up at the end of the day and bring her home for tea etc. Would that be possible?