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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tinder is just a bag of shit right?

98 replies

Caramara · 17/05/2020 21:55

It's been a long time since I've done dating sites, nearly 10 years but finding myself single recently I thought I might dip my toe back in.

Tinder wasn't a thing back then, I remember POF being rough as, so thought I'd give it a try. How bad could it be?

Jesus.

I've not found one person to swipe right for, I must have looked at 100 or more. Most have no profiles, or 2 words. Or littered with spelling errors. Or they have faces only a mother could love. Sometimes all the above. And the ages...I'm 46, I look 40. No one believes I've got a university age son. I'm seeing guys on there who are 50+ and look 10 years older.

Do I just delete it and give up the whole thing? It feels like a rough night in our local 'Spoons on there at the moment!

OP posts:

dexmorgan · 18/05/2020 10:53

I'm not entirely sure how different apps are better than others because surely a dating site is a dating site?

However, that being said, I've been on and off tinder for the last two and a half years with zero relationship success rate. I downloaded Hinge as a final attempt (😂) and within the first hour of having it I matched with a guy and we are still very much going strong.. hopes to god I haven't just jinxed it 🥴

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 18/05/2020 10:55

Right

Original poster

Caramara · 18/05/2020 11:01

Zaphodsotherhead thank you, that's very much how I see it too :)

It's not all about looks, or the written word, it has to be a bit of both. So, someone with a brief profile (albeit without spelling errors) but who looks absolutely physically my type, I'd swipe for. Ditto one who had a really funny or interesting profile even if looks wise they were less my type (provided they didn't look 60, and were at least 5' 9 - I've dated lots of short men in my time, it's par for the course round here, they're all short. And in skinny jeans, but that's another matter. But they just don't do it for me).

OP posts:

TheLette · 18/05/2020 11:17

I met my partner on Tinder (in my early 30s though). I wouldn't worry about lack of profiles - that's not what Tinder is about. Try to find someone who looks nice and then if you match see how the chat goes. Ultimately the dating sites which offer lengthy profiles (like Match) sway you into a false sense of security in my opinion. I wouldn't have met my partner on those sites because I was looking for someone with at least degree education, and my partner left school at 16. He is very intelligent so I don't care. Also it doesn't really matter what someone's favourite type of film is, preferred sport etc. What matters is that you are physically attracted to them (which is why Tinder is good in my opinion!), you can talk easily to them, they make you laugh, and they are kind-hearted.

Original poster

Caramara · 18/05/2020 13:17

Dipped back in over my lunchbreak. Managed to find another 5 or so (out of about 100) to swipe right for...this is slow going!

Although if I think back 20 odd years to when I used to go to clubs, there'd be a couple of hundred guys there and I rarely used to meet anyone where there was a mutual attraction (or if there was it was influenced by alcohol and vanished when we met again sober )

OP posts:

Original poster

Caramara · 18/05/2020 15:59

Found another 1 (from what felt like about 50).

Surely I'm going to run out of men to swipe eventually?!

OP posts:

Weallhavevalidopinions · 18/05/2020 16:01

I thought Tinder was a hook up site - hence quality

Perhaps tried a paid for dating site the quality of the clientele is higher then

Weallhavevalidopinions · 18/05/2020 16:03

try not tried!

My friend tried several sites including Tinder and found Tinder and POF really awful and full of the sex with anything that moves types.

WYP2018 · 18/05/2020 16:06

I met my husband on Tinder! I spent a lot of time swiping and messaging briefly though, you need a very thick skin as with all dating sites. WRT height, I’m 5’11 and so had to be a bit less picky. DH is also 5’11, we manage alright

rvby · 18/05/2020 16:06

Managed to find another 5 or so (out of about 100) to swipe right for...this is slow going! ... that's a completely normal rate of right swipes... wouldn't it be normal to potentially fancy 5% of a pub full of men? Think of walking into a nightclub, would you expect to want to date more than 5% of the men in there?

My rate was closer to 2% tbh, and that was when I was early 30s. Still got loads of matches because i live in a city. For example, 5% of 100,000 men is still 5,000 men!! If you matched with all of them in one week, you would have no chance of chatting to them all.

What are your expectations? Because to me, matching with 2-3 men a week, chatting to them, and meeting 1-2 of them the week after, is plenty. Rinse and repeat until you find you've met the same man several times and it feels good.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 18/05/2020 16:20

Oh, I meant to add that my friend found a lot of fake profiles and married men on both Tinder and POF - so easy to join and free means lots of idiots on both sites. No vetting process and people can upload a picture of a fake person.

Original poster

Caramara · 18/05/2020 16:21

My expectations are that I've probably got say a 10-20% chance of someone I like liking me, because I think most men swipe right a lot more than women!

So let's say somehow I end up finding 50-60 guys to swipe right for (haha!) that's maybe 10-12 that I am effectively a match with.

And then once we've both swiped right...a friend summed it up as roughly
a third you exchange hellos and it goes nowhere (so that's 4 gone)
a third you realise by the 2nd message they have some major issue/ flaw/ they reveal they're looking for casual hookups, whatever - also goes nowhere (another 4)
final third - you exchange a few messages, you might agree to swap numbers. Of those, probably two thirds go nowhere, leaving you with a third (of a third) that you might actually arrange a date with - and then probably won't be attracted to. (that's at best 1 from the pool of 60, who are in turn a pool of hundreds, to go on a date with, let alone actually like or fancy each other on said date)

When I break it down I realise how tiny the chances are!

OP posts:

Dontlikeoranges · 18/05/2020 16:22

Don't discount them on height alone! I was the same as you and only replied to a man who was 5' 9 in desperation after a string of awful dates/chats. We've been together nearly 3 years and he's AMAZING. Honestly - he's the best person I know.

rvby · 18/05/2020 16:29

I get that you're discouraged but I dont think you're really seeing it entirely rationally. The number of matches per se isn't important, nor is the % of men who swipe right on you, etc... The number of new people you meet is the important bit.

Tinder is a tool to increase the # of people you meet. So swipe with abandon, take risks (in terms of expectations or your usual type), and don't text anyone for more than a few hours without either making a date to meet/zoom, or unmatching them. Keep going until you have a person on the go who is more interesting than meeting strangers.

Honestly the numbers are on your side!

Perhaps you are just feeling discouraged today, which is natural in all pursuits. Are you concerned about rejection maybe? Lowered confidence? That sort of thing can really make OLD feel horrendous.

Bumble84 · 18/05/2020 16:34

OP 100 profiles is hardly anything. I probably swiped through thousands. I spoke with a lot of idiots on it who I never met and I met a couple of idiots as well but I also met a few genuine guys and now I’m married to one of them. You get good at filtering out the people that don’t deserve your time and just move on. My advice is don’t sit and talk to just be person otherwise you’ll waste a lot of time. Speak to a good few and decide who you want to actually meet up with

RandomLondoner · 18/05/2020 16:47

Surely I'm going to run out of men to swipe eventually?!

As a result of this thread, purely out of curiosity, I've been reading up on how Tinder works. Apparently they do try to present the better options first, so the longer you swipe, the less likely there will be anything you like. At some point, they start presenting people you've previously rejected again. If you're at swipe 300, the person you rejected at swipe 200 is likely to be a better option than person 301 in your queue. (This is just one aspect I found interesting, there's a lot more to it than this.)

rvby · 18/05/2020 16:48

For what it's worth OP I probably swiped 1000 profiles a week and met 1 person a week.

It took me maybe 45 minutes a week to swipe through that 1000. Don't agonize, just use the app to meet one person a week and you're already far ahead of the game!!

Original poster

Caramara · 18/05/2020 16:56

Blimey, 1000 swipes.

I need to up my game.
I can't decide if all this swiping is better or worse than places like POF where from memory all you get are 1 or 2 word messages which you just delete 99% of!
I'm not bothered about rejection, I feel pretty confident as I'm in a good place generally, all the swiping feels a bit meh. I suppose I have to think of it as the virtual equivalent of 'scanning the room' which we used to do back in the day on a Saturday night in the local pub or club

OP posts:

Aryaneedle · 18/05/2020 17:00

Where are you based? I wonder if it's your location? I had the opposite problem to you, I found every dating site a right load of rubbish. The men were not my type at all (I like bookish, political, indie music types with good hair) apart from on Tinder.

I went on Bumble, Match and PoF and left within two hours. The men on there were so predatory and a lot of them dust not like women. Stayed on Tinder for 48 hours. Went on an 8 hour date with someone who was gorgeous, kind, intelligent and lovely and 8 years younger than me. Realised I didn't feel good enough and didn't do a second date and I wasn't ready for dating. A couple of months later he came up as a friend suggestion and I drunkenly added him on FB. Now we live together.

Online dating is weird and puts you in a weird frame of mind.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 18/05/2020 17:18

I met my husband on tinder. 5 years of happy marriage and a baby, I'm very glad I swiped right
My colleague also met her husband on tinder, again it was a few years ago now not sure what it's currently like. My friend met her partner on Bumble she seemed to have met quite a few partners on there too.

Original poster

Caramara · 18/05/2020 17:44

I'm in London!

Have managed to swipe right a few more times, and now have 4 matches. However 1 lives 200 miles away (no idea how we matched as my range is set to 25 miles!), 2 are v dull judging by our interactions so far...they do the 'and you' thing.
So I ask a question, they answer and say 'and you?'....feel like saying get your own questions!
The other one seems nice but more mate than date

OP posts:

evieray · 19/05/2020 16:45

i'm happy for those who found their real partners on tinder, but considering all those profiles I see.... it's rather a stand-up show online

Thurmanmurman · 19/05/2020 17:14

Perhaps you’re not quite the catch you think you are? Also if a man had posted this he’d be called out for being shallow and up himself.

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