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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have broached a subject in this way?

59 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 16:29

A week ago I spotted a problem on a problem page that was identical to a serious issue in our marriage. The reponse, from a qualified counsellor, got to the heart of my experience and perspective on it and I left the paper open on that page this morning hoping dh would see it and realise how I was feeling. I was sure he'd have a bit of a realisation considering the response was completely objective and neutral. Instead he has taken great umbrage at me leaving it there 'Did you just want me.to read that I was all wrong?'

Aibu to think this could have been helpful and that his lack of openness is a red flag? I find it depressing that when finally how I was feeling was explained so clearly, his focus was on 'Of course I'm completely in the wrong'.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 17/05/2020 16:33

Why did you not just speak with him?

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2020 16:34

Seems quite a passive aggressive way to go about things

zscaler · 17/05/2020 16:35

I think your approach was passive aggressive. It would have been better for you to speak to him about it - even to ask him to read the article because you thought it would be helpful.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 16:47

It wasn't meant to be passive aggressive but I can see your point. Unfortunately lines of communication are not good. We have spoken about it ad nauseam but an outsider being able to see how it would have felt to me felt useful as no one was taking sides plus they put into words what I had been feeling but was unable to explain. I just think it speaks volumes that he was all about how 'he' came across when the focus was on the effect of his actions.

OP posts:

avroroad · 17/05/2020 16:47

Communication is clearly a problem. Talk to him.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 16:48

Tbh I think the reason I didn't ask him to is because I knew he wouldn't be impressed. I was a bit chicken I suppose to just leave it open..

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 17/05/2020 16:59

Extremely passive-agressive way of doing it! Would you have 'left the article open' if it matched his way of thinking? Doubt it!

It's possible to agree to disagree about your views on something. You say communication isn't good but he knew straight away what you were up to which doesn't sound like he is bad at reading the signs to me.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:11

Well I wasn't out to attack, I was hoping he'd get where I was coming from... he has been mad at me about this issue and I was glad to see someone explain in less heated ways than I, how I might have been feeling! If it had matched his way of thinking I would have read it and.considered its effect on him. Ironically that's all I did do.for months until I realised I had a very worthwhile perspective also.

OP posts:

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/05/2020 17:19

Not ur to use an article/letter to articulate your feelings on an issue. But just leaving it for him to find is PA. I think you both need to find a better way of resolving conflict.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 17/05/2020 17:23

Aibu to think this could have been helpful and that his lack of openness is a red flag?

I don't want to sound mean but you can't complaint about lack of openness as a red flag when you also weren't open and went about it this passive aggressive way.

You need to talk together. Or write him a letter if he doesn't want to talk. Be open and direct. Don't be your own red flag

dontdisturbmenow · 17/05/2020 17:35

I would have binned it and pretended I hadn't realised there was a page worth reading!

Ellisandra · 17/05/2020 17:41

That would have really pissed me off.

Whereas a note saying, “I find it hard to explain, but this really does it -please could you read to understand where I’m coming from?” would have made it OK.

It does depend what it is, too. Not all problem page replies are “right”, I’ve seen some I think are awful. Sounds like that one didn’t come across as helpful, but critical.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:41

Ok... I see where he's coming from.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 17/05/2020 17:43

What’s the problem in your marriage?

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:44

Here's the article in question..

www.google.com/amp/s/www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/my-girlfriend-has-a-low-libido-and-i-get-angry-when-rejected-1.4235893%3fmode=amp

OP posts:

2bazookas · 17/05/2020 17:46

HIS lack of open-ness? !!!!!!!!

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:46

Started about 10 weeks pp.. I was apologising for a year, but still not interested, and then I realised my pov was valid too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:47

HIS lack of open-ness? !!!!!!!!

As I say lines of communication pretty dead.

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 17/05/2020 17:49

It sounds like your lack of openness is also an issue if you feel you can’t talk to him about this directly. It can be difficult to discuss challenging issues in your relationship, but you need to be able to communicate openly with your spouse as burying things makes them worse. It might be worth looking into some therapy if you struggle with this.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:50

It is an issue at this stage for sure. But the answer to the questions, in the article above, goes towards explaining why I'm slow to move forward.

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 17/05/2020 17:53

I can’t read the article as it’s subscription only but from the title you don’t want to have sex and he does?

That can be a dealbreaker and with good reason, IMO. It’s a fundamental and important part of a relationship so I can understand someone not wanting to be in a sexless relationship.

On the other hand nobody should ever feel forced to have sex!

Either way, this wasn’t the way to go about it. And it’s really not on to call his lack of openness a red flag when you’ve done this!

Maybe you’re just not compatible? Which is fine and happens. There doesn’t always have to be a villain of the piece for a marriage to end.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 17/05/2020 17:54

Maybe you’re just not compatible? Which is fine and happens. There doesn’t always have to be a villain of the piece for a marriage to end.

Amen to that!

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 17/05/2020 17:59

Weird, not subscription here. I agree doesn't have to be a villain and I agree incompatibility is what it is. I feel bad now about article, I felt so 'validated' (hate that word) as the answer really named how I was feeling in a way I hadn't... hoped it would be an eyeopener.

OP posts:

Annettebee · 17/05/2020 18:02

Your husband feels cheated, he can't possibly imagine being in your position. How can someone who hasn't given birth really know how it feels. I think You should apologise but explain you thought it might explain you pov better, but you now understand that you were passive aggressive. You should also speak to a doctor who can check hormone levels etc. Show your husband that you are not ending his sex life forever and you will do whatever you can to resolve this.
Btw I completely understand how you feel my body has never been the same since children and I got a postpartum thyroid condition to boot.
But if sex is that important to your partner you have to at least try to resolve the issue (if you still want to be with him).

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/05/2020 18:07

I can't see the article because of the paywall barrier, but if you can't have a conversation it's hardly surprising that you don't have sex often.

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