To have broached a subject in this way?

[Heygirlheyboy]

A week ago I spotted a problem on a problem page that was identical to a serious issue in our marriage. The reponse, from a qualified counsellor, got to the heart of my experience and perspective on it and I left the paper open on that page this morning hoping dh would see it and realise how I was feeling. I was sure he'd have a bit of a realisation considering the response was completely objective and neutral. Instead he has taken great umbrage at me leaving it there 'Did you just want me.to read that I was all wrong?'

Aibu to think this could have been helpful and that his lack of openness is a red flag? I find it depressing that when finally how I was feeling was explained so clearly, his focus was on 'Of course I'm completely in the wrong'.

It's his reaction to my difficulty that entrenched the situation..

Entrenched it in what?

Entrenched as in this has become the way now and it's difficult yo see us getting out of it.

He shouldn't be geting angry with you for rejecting sex. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

I would leave it, op and see if he calms down. I don't think you were all that unreasonable, given the circumstances. Someone that is angry with you, as they think they have a right to sex with you is intimidating. I understand why your communication has shut down about this. Particularly if your lack of interest/fear of sex is due to a trauma (childbirth, past sexual abuse etc).

I think it must be so common for woman to have trauma from birth. After the birth of my 1st child in the late 90s, my GP insisted that I had to have sex before my 6 week check; I'd had an episiotomy and other injuries. It was also a sexually abusive relationship. The "care" I'd had in hospital and the aftercare felt exactly the same as sexual abuse.

I have issues with sex, as you might expect. It has been a problem with my DH (not eldest's father) over the years and I completely get what you mean about becoming more entrenched. The more he pushed it, the more I shut down. Things are better now my DC are older and I have a bit more time to be me.

Society still has a very long way to go in attitudes to sex.

Thank you both. It didn't start with lack of interest as such. We tried at ten weeks pp and it felt weird and sore so I stopped and he stormed out of the room. The answer in the article was that sex doesn't feel safe when someone reacts angrily. As I say I apologised for the year afterwards as I was less and less inyerested, tho I tried, and then I got angry myself and I had to force an acknowledgment of his own behaviour at that stage, which didn't feel too sincere.

Op, you have no apology to make for the situation you mention above. I hope you didn't apologise for that. In that scenario, your H was so far out of order, I hope he apologised to you for his behaviour.

Well that's how I feel now, thank you, at the time I placated and apologised..

He shouldn't be geting angry with you for rejecting sex. This would be a dealbreaker for me.*

Agreed!

YABU and yes, you did approach it wrong. It was passive aggressive and basically gave the impression everything’s his fault.

If communication isn’t good don’t make it worse by pulling stunts like this. Your relationship won’t improve while you do.

He stormed out of the room?

I dont know where to begin with that one.

Has he ever been kind and considerate? How is he as a father?

Unless she has further training and qualifications than those listed, this is no suggestion whatsoever of her being a "qualified counsellor"

"Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford."

I am more concerned you cannot have a conversation, why would anyone even want to contemplate sex with someone who has no value in them, their experiences, their fears and their mental health. Sex maybe the catalyst in your arguments but it has brought out traits in him that are not helpful or attractive.

Your husband got angry when you tried to see how sex would go after having given birth. That’s so sad and I can only imagine how unsafe you feel now. You need to speak to real life support about your abusive husband. The posters wanting to tell you your approach is wrong are missing the point.

"Your husband got angry when you tried to see how sex would go after having given birth. That’s so sad and I can only imagine how unsafe you feel now. You need to speak to real life support about your abusive husband."

This, exactly.

Find a real life actually qualified therapist. Who you can speak to about your own actual situation. This could be a relationship counsellor with your husband, or individual therapy for you with a qualified therapist. You may find having your own sounding board helps you get clarity and support.

I can only assume those saying you’re being PA or unreasonable haven’t read the article linked or at least the update posts.

A man getting angry because his post-partum DW is in pain/discomfort from sex is not a good man.

I am also validating your experience OP, and your attempts to try and highlight this with someone who is so busy seeing himself as the victim in this situation that he’s lost his humanity.

Please get some counselling to help you see why you’re still with a man who treated you like this at a very vulnerable time in your life. I remember the first attempt at sex after birth/episiotomy - it was terrifying. Had my XH been anything other than 100% supportive of my fear and caution at that point, I’d have felt exactly like you.

I don’t think anyone has or would defend this man.

But leaving a newspaper opened in the hope that he’ll have a light bulb moment is PA and an extremely unhealthy dynamic.

Of course @Heygirlheyboy should never feel pressured into having sex. Of course. I don’t think anyone would say otherwise.

It’s my personal opinion that this is no sort of marriage to save or stay in. I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who’s acted the way he has.

And he’s perfectly entitled to have a sex life.

Hang on.

So at 10 weeks post-natal you attempted sex for the first time, it was painful so you put a stop to it. Instead of being kind, caring, and considerate (even though he would have been disappointed) he got angry and stormed off and never apologised. You then spent a YEAR (during which time his initial reaction has festered and subsequent bad attitude has worsened making your interest in trying even less) and trying to apologise for this and placate him for his abysmal behaviour before realising he’s been an utter, utter shite? At which point you said ‘hold on there‘ and he GRUDGINGLY apologised? So now you’re probably afraid to bring it up at all I’d imagine for fear of his reaction.

He’s a twat.

I can perfectly well understand why you left the page open instead of having another conversation where he gets cross and tries to make your fault.

I say again: he’s a twat.

I am in therapy myself which has been useful.

Apologies for error re qualifications of agony aunt.

He can be incredibly caring and considerate to me and the dc. He can also been angry. Sounds crazy but this is the first time I linked the two things.

It’s not your responsibility to modify his behaviour with your actions.

And if you felt worried enough about his reaction that it was better to leave a page open on the table and avoid him blowing up than go to him with it and say “this explains perfectly what I have been trying to say, please read it and then I’d like to talk” then you need to think why that might be.

That's what I should have said. I can't explain why I didn't... I think perhaps I thought he'd go on the defensive whereas left open he 'had' to read it..

@Heygirlheyboy he’s NOT caring and considerate. Not to you anyway.

Stomping around because it physically hurts you to have sex is disgusting. It really is.

Now, it’s PERFECTLY fine for him to want an active sex life. That can’t be with you. So he should leave instead of being angry and aggressive. That’s never ok.

And that’s what I’m trying to say.

The fact that you felt it was better to leave it open and walk away because you were afraid of his reaction means you need to think about things. Because you are modifying your behaviour in order to avoid his reactions. His behaviour is not your responsibility.

You’ve said you’re in therapy. My suggestion would be that you explore it with your therapist because you apologising for someone else’s angry outburst isn’t an ok thing to happen in a relationship, especially not when it’s centred around sex.

You’re still focusing on what you think you should have done, and what you should have said, how this really fairly minor thing with leaving a magazine open has made him feel and his point of view and how it’s made him feel and his perspective.

What about how what he did a year ago made you feel? And how it still makes you feel? And how his crappy non-apology makes you feel? And why him getting angry is somehow your fault?

Please, talk to your therapist about it.