To not want anymore children?

[Curious200]

I have twins who are nearly 6 with my ex husband. We have a great coparenting relantionship and are also great friends. We married very young, marriage lasted 7 years and we split ambically. Fast forward 3 years I got remarried, new husband is a great guy and an awesome step dad. Has no kids of his own and always stated that he didn't want any kids and was happy to raise my girls with me and was content with being their step dad. He spends everyday with them and has a very involved role with them. But recently he bought up the topic of having a child with me.

I really feel like I don't want anymore children. For a few reasons. Firstly I feel like it will complicate my twins life, right now they have it good with 3 loving parents, and my husband is happy to support us in the way in which we want to raise our children however has specifically said if we had a kid he would do things differently, and in my opinion that would never work, as you can't have a household where 3 kids are being raised differently. We come from two different cultures and have worked hard to come to a middle ground on many differences, which has been a working progress but I think we have done very well. However I see if we had our own child together, this could be very complicated.
Also for myself, I do get times when I'm broody but generally my mindset is I have two healthy children who are becoming more independant. I would rather use my present and future finances to give them a great life, adding another just doesn't seem financially the best route to take and also will take me straight back to the pregnancy phase then breastfeeding etc, after having twins and going through all of that (it was a joy and I loved it but hard work) - I just couldn't imagine starting from the beginning again.
I know he doesn't have kids of his own but he always said before we married and the first few years he didn't want any and I made it clear that I didn't think I would want anymore either.

Am I being unreasonable?

Haven’t you challenged him on the final say remark? Asked him what he means?

Don’t have a baby if you don’t want to, especially as you agreed not to.

If he really meant the 'I'm the father' thing as it came out, I would possibly be looking to disengage myself from the whole relationship, tbh.

As far as you not wanting any more children goes, YANBU (of course), but don't string him along or give him false hopes so as not to lose him. Be very clear. You sound clear, and certain. Having another child when your heart's not really in it - particularly with a man like this one sounds - would be a recipe for disaster, mainly for the child.

Is English your first language?

I’ve seen lots of white British / Western European women get together / marry a man from a more traditional religion / culture / country.

Often they meet at uni or when they are in their 20s, when people have a more similar lifestyle. Of course the difference is often very interesting and attractive.

They all say “ Oh he’s not like other people from his country / background / religion , he hates all that tradition , he’s very modern and forward thinking “.

What they don’t realise is that these values and traditions go very deep in all of us. Many men thing it’s ok for them not to conform but women should do so. Or they think it’s ok to have a crazy few years in their 20s but later they need to settle down and follow tradition.

So these women are totally shocked when they marry (and especially if they have children ) to discover that their husband who was so forward thinking and modern now wants her to act like his mother. And raise his child the way he wants. And perhaps tolerate him having affairs, because that’s common in his culture.

Now please understand - I have nothing against cross cultural / ethnic / religious marriages per se. But I think they require a huge amount of discussion And agreement before and during.

And an understanding that many MANY men think like the OPs partner - that his word is law.

Too many women spend literally years planning and discussing their wedding and zero time discussing their marriage. So both parties go forward making assumptions about what will happen.

So It’s good that the OP and her partner have talked about this now, at least she knows what she would be getting into.

My husband is Italian so he is European

So he’s from a different culture from you, OP ? Or are you Italian as well?

And are you of the same religion ?

Why do you think he believes that a fathers views must always prevail over a mothers ? Why does he have different views about discipline ?

I have to say that his views on language development seem to be common practice in bi lingual families Ie. That you would both speak your native language to your( joint ) child.

This is because you want your child to speak English like you and Italian like him. Not Italian like you and English like him.

Then that seems like an extremely, unusually backward view from an Italian. Unless he is from a particularly patriarchal, parochial Italian background (which would be problematic in itself), his comments would indicate a potential abuser.

Tread very carefully OP.
This one has red flags all over it.

It's very naive to lump "Western European" into the same category. Within those countries there is huge cultural variation. You get sexist attitudes everywhere to some degree or another, and sexism can be more pervasive in certain countries. Italy is a Catholic and culturally conservative country in many ways. I think the UK is progressive by comparison.

Before anyone flames me for making generalisations, here is the EU gender equality index (UK 9.2 points above Italy)
eige.europa.eu/gender-equality-index/2019/compare-countries

Having a child with this man will destroy your relationship. He wants a child so he can parent his way.

I could never get my head around having children with more than one father. My DH desperately wanted us to have kids, even though I'd said no before we married. It would have felt wrong, like being unfaithful to my kids.

It would have felt wrong, like being unfaithful to my kids

Seems a bit strange and sad for your husband that you think that way. He is with someone who thinks it would be (even hypothetically) wrong to have kids with him, but is happy to have them with their ex. Do you see your kids as you being unfaithful to him?

To clarify - he too already had DC. My view was that we had both seen first hand what happens when parents split up, and there is no guarantee that parents will stay together. Better to raise the existing children with every ounce of our energy than make more.

@curious200

Only you know yours and your husbands relationship. Sure the things he said seem like a massive red flag but maybe he didn't mean it and it got lost in translation so to speak.

Only you know whether you want another baby and sometimes those feelings change depending on the weather.

You are only 30 so you have 10 years left to decide!

I'm 42 and currently pregnant. I have four other children (ages 18,15,12,8) I met my partner 2 years ago after my husband passed away and he said he was happy not having kids as I already had plenty and we were getting on a bit.

But nearly 2 years later he was feeling like this is his last chance for a biological kid. He only has half siblings who he's not close with and his mum is ill and his dad passed away and it was a massive feeling that he had no family, no one of his own blood. It became really important to him and I love him, so I agreed, reluctantly. I was worried about how I would feel because I spent all of my adult life, pregnant, breast feeding, sleepless nights etc and I was finally out of that situation but now I'm pregnant I'm ridiculously excited.

Families aren't all the same. Big age gaps happen. What's normal? Sure your husband said some stuff you don't agree with but try to think of the positives of having a child with him. I bet your girls would love it.

Anyway you don't have to have another child if you don't want to and he seems to be ok with that but I do think you should discuss it in depth with him. Just so you both know where the other is coming from.

@DeeplyMovingExperience I could never get my head around having children with more than one father.**

I used to think this but it happens and there’s nothing wrong with it happiness is worth so much more than what others think as I feel it’s the stigma that enforces this narrow minded mentality and it’s so wrong.
There’s so many women continuing to have children with men that don’t support their children finically or emotionally yet women go on to have more children to the same man

Thanks for all the replies. You have all given me food for thought. Honestly your right @passthemustard maybe my views will change, and perhaps as my girls get older too. He doesn't want a kid right now as he is very focused on us raising the girls, but he wanted to know if we could have one when they get older in say 4 or 5 years time. Maybe by then I will want one, but I don't want to say that to him now and then he will hold me to that. I think since my divorce I became a very matter of fact thinker v thinking with my heart, so for me I'm thinking of all the logistics, where as he is thinking with his heart about wanting to have a child with someone he loves. I just wouldn't want things to change between us in anyway due to having a child together and I think this is my main concern, whilst also not really wanting to go back to that baby stage, which I never really enjoyed to be honest, but I did have 2 so that may be why it was so intense for me. I know my girls would love a sibling and they would be so helpful. But I feel as though I'm between a rock and a hard place and I'm the one with all the decision making on my shoulders. I told him we can revisit this conversation in the future, but not to assume I will change my mind and to live with the assumption I won't so as not to get his hopes up. He agreed and said that's fine. He was born in Italy and speaks Italian fluently. I am half Italian but born in the UK just for those that asked.