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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want anymore children?

90 replies

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 15:32

I have twins who are nearly 6 with my ex husband. We have a great coparenting relantionship and are also great friends. We married very young, marriage lasted 7 years and we split ambically. Fast forward 3 years I got remarried, new husband is a great guy and an awesome step dad. Has no kids of his own and always stated that he didn't want any kids and was happy to raise my girls with me and was content with being their step dad. He spends everyday with them and has a very involved role with them. But recently he bought up the topic of having a child with me.

I really feel like I don't want anymore children. For a few reasons. Firstly I feel like it will complicate my twins life, right now they have it good with 3 loving parents, and my husband is happy to support us in the way in which we want to raise our children however has specifically said if we had a kid he would do things differently, and in my opinion that would never work, as you can't have a household where 3 kids are being raised differently. We come from two different cultures and have worked hard to come to a middle ground on many differences, which has been a working progress but I think we have done very well. However I see if we had our own child together, this could be very complicated.
Also for myself, I do get times when I'm broody but generally my mindset is I have two healthy children who are becoming more independant. I would rather use my present and future finances to give them a great life, adding another just doesn't seem financially the best route to take and also will take me straight back to the pregnancy phase then breastfeeding etc, after having twins and going through all of that (it was a joy and I loved it but hard work) - I just couldn't imagine starting from the beginning again.
I know he doesn't have kids of his own but he always said before we married and the first few years he didn't want any and I made it clear that I didn't think I would want anymore either.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CurlyEndive · 17/05/2020 17:04

Majorcollywobble what do you mean that OP and her ex would feel exactly the same way? Clearly she doesn't feel her ex should have the final say just because he's a man?

Original poster

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 17:08

No I definitley do not feel that way! Parenting takes two people discussing and coming to a mutual decision in the best interest for the children. And my husband and I do that for the girls so why it would be different if we had a child together is mine baffling.

OP posts:

Knan10 · 17/05/2020 17:09

" "yeah of course you will have a say but I will have the final say as I will be the father."" - that bit is really weird and not normal. Perhaps he secretly feels resentful that he doesn't get much say in his step children's lives (as understandably his step children have a biological mum and dad who would decide things) so maybe he's just gone completely the other way (must have full say) on any future kids to almost compensate for how he is feeling - that doesn't make it OK but that might explain why he may even want a child of his own. You say he's generally a good guy - this statement doesn't make it seem like he is in all regards.

Maybe discuss what things he'd do differently with another child if he had his say on it to see what might be something that he seemed to disagree with you on with regards to the DC.

alwayslearning789 · 17/05/2020 17:09

Just putting it out there OP that you will have biological children but he won't.... with the woman he loves?

Something worth thinking about as biological urges promote strong feelings.

A lot of women have similar and change their minds about having kids later on.

Just something to consider. It is a hard one with the circumstances of prior agreement as you have described.

SerenDippitty · 17/05/2020 17:13

OP does your DH come from a culture where having sons is important? Do you think his family have been putting any pressure on him, as you said this wanting a child has come about quite suddenly?

Original poster

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 17:13

But I also won't have biological children with the man I love. So we are in the same standing in this regard.

OP posts:

Original poster

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 17:16

@SerenDippitty no his family haven't put any pressure on him as far as I'm aware and no he hasnt. If he would have approached me with a different aspect of " we parent the girls so well together, I have complete faith in our parenting together and would love to add another addition in the future if you would to" I think I would maybe have given it more food for thought. Also just to say he isn't talking about having a child now, he is still talking about it in a future sense. He himself wouldn't want one right now.

OP posts:

DamnYankee · 17/05/2020 17:18

What CurlyEndive said

SandyY2K · 17/05/2020 17:19

I think once you have made it 100% clear that you will not change your mind in the future and have more children and he accepts that, then just carry on as normal.

Bubblebee7 · 17/05/2020 17:20

@alwayslearning789 has a point. They are not his children. If you were to split what would happen would he still make an effort with his children? I’m sure he’s good with them. It’s not the same though. I can understand how people would “want there own” and not in a bad way.

mencken · 17/05/2020 17:21

'final say because he is the father' is a huge red flag. Ask him to explain why the possession of a Y chromosome gives his opinion greater weight in the 21st century.

Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 17:30

When I met my now fiancé I was adamant I was done with having kids - mine were 6 and 9 at the time. He was fine with that - in an ideal world he had always wanted a child of his own but his ex-wife had medical problems which meant it very unlikely she could conceive. They had come to terms with it.

But last June I fell pregnant - was a total shock as I was on the mini pill and taking it absolutely to the letter. We were very surprised but slowly started to come around to the idea. Sadly that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

We then spoke about it and both felt that we would like to try for a baby. I was almost 39 at this point so knew it was kind of now or never.

I fell pregnant the first month of trying! Now 38 weeks and awaiting the arrival of our daughter. It makes my heart soooooo happy that my fiancé is finally going to be a daddy when he never thought he would be

megladon2020 · 17/05/2020 17:30

Based on what you've said I wouldn't have a child with him even if I really wanted to. Too many red flags and you'd be opening up a huge can of worms for yourself and the girls.

Original poster

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 17:34

@Nicknamegoeshere that's great for you both congrats, however I don't see how this helps my situation?

OP posts:

cptartapp · 17/05/2020 17:39

He may expect to get the final say with his own DC but as you've already learned it's usually the mother that gets left doing th donkey work of child rearing over the years. Not so quick to put their money where their mouths are then. Very very rarely do fathers even do 50/50 when relationships break down. The likelihood is you'd end up a single parent to three DC. Don't even contemplate getting pregnant to this man.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2020 17:40

"yeah of course you will have a say but I will have the final say as I will be the father."

This alone is all I would need to know to NEVER have a child with this man. It makes my skin crawl to be honest. I would be wondering who the hell I married if he thinks this way.

AnotherEmma · 17/05/2020 17:43

YANBU at all. Obviously.

"yeah of course you will have a say but I will have the final say as I will be the father."

Fuck me. I would be so put off having a child with him after this that I'm not convinced I'd want to even have sex with him! I hope you're using very reliable contraception?!

Also, does he think that your ex should have the final say about the girls, because he's their father??

Lastly I know twins can run in families sometimes - not sure if that's the case for you and your family, but can you imagine if you were unsure about a third and then ended up with four

Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 17:46

Do you think you will ever change your mind? Totally fair enough if not and if you've made that clear to your husband. I don't know how old you are but as I said I was also a definite no...then I hit late 30's and things happened which meant I saw things differently.

AnotherEmma · 17/05/2020 17:47

Ah it does amuse when people reply and make it all about them

Original poster

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 17:50

I'm not sure if I will change my mind, maybe yes and maybe not but for now I'm set on my decision. I'm 30 years old. @Nicknamegoeshere and @AnotherEmma no he doesn't feel this way about my ex and the girls, so I'm abit baffled by his statement to be honest. And yes twins do run in my family.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 17/05/2020 18:18

He just needs to know that staying with you means he won't have children of his own. No matter how involved he is with yours, they aren't his and if you split up, he has no legal right to see them again.

That's something he needs to understand and make his decision to stay in the marriage on that.

You, just need to be clear with him on your position about not wanting any more children.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

Waveysnail · 17/05/2020 18:54

Is actually revisit when twins are older. Your only thirty. Perhaps wait another 5 years until girls starting high school then see how you feel. There wont be such big issues around them being children together as such

Original poster

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 19:07

@waveysnail yes perhaps your right. I would be 35 almost 36 as I'm 31 in a few months. Wouldn't this be too old to conceive?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 17/05/2020 19:08

Of course not. But the likelihood of multiples increases with age.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 17/05/2020 19:54

35 is absolutely not too old to conceive. My aunt got pregnant naturally (with twins) at 49.

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