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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want anymore children?

90 replies

Curious200 · 17/05/2020 15:32

I have twins who are nearly 6 with my ex husband. We have a great coparenting relantionship and are also great friends. We married very young, marriage lasted 7 years and we split ambically. Fast forward 3 years I got remarried, new husband is a great guy and an awesome step dad. Has no kids of his own and always stated that he didn't want any kids and was happy to raise my girls with me and was content with being their step dad. He spends everyday with them and has a very involved role with them. But recently he bought up the topic of having a child with me.

I really feel like I don't want anymore children. For a few reasons. Firstly I feel like it will complicate my twins life, right now they have it good with 3 loving parents, and my husband is happy to support us in the way in which we want to raise our children however has specifically said if we had a kid he would do things differently, and in my opinion that would never work, as you can't have a household where 3 kids are being raised differently. We come from two different cultures and have worked hard to come to a middle ground on many differences, which has been a working progress but I think we have done very well. However I see if we had our own child together, this could be very complicated.
Also for myself, I do get times when I'm broody but generally my mindset is I have two healthy children who are becoming more independant. I would rather use my present and future finances to give them a great life, adding another just doesn't seem financially the best route to take and also will take me straight back to the pregnancy phase then breastfeeding etc, after having twins and going through all of that (it was a joy and I loved it but hard work) - I just couldn't imagine starting from the beginning again.
I know he doesn't have kids of his own but he always said before we married and the first few years he didn't want any and I made it clear that I didn't think I would want anymore either.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/05/2020 20:08

Multiples do increase with age particularly within families.

OP,
Going back to the baby stage after7+ years is not easy.

I wouldn't want to do it in a million years.

Don't move an inch, not a single inch unless you absolutely are dying to have another 1 child, plus more, at least.

No matter what clap trap you hear....child raring comes down to the mother largely......be very, very, sure you want to go back there.
Flowers

Original poster
Curious200 · 17/05/2020 20:29

Thanks @billy1966

It's definitely true and I have such a successful business now that I created from the ground up, plus loving being able to do more with my girls and travel and enjoy life now they are older and don't have the restrictions you have with kids in the baby, toddler age.

Ive been thinking I will tell him we can revisit this conversation in 4 years time.. But that I'm not promising anything and that more than likely my mind will be the same. So even though he says he would be fine with us never having kids if that really is my last decision, I'm going to tell him that he needs to be sure of that and I hope he is because I absolutely adore my husband.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 17/05/2020 20:42

You’re not unreasonable at all, even if someone had a list of hundreds of well argued points as to why you should have more kids it means absolutely nothing if it’s not what you want.
I’m very sorry that it puts you in such a difficult position with your DH, but there’s absolutely no ‘final say’ if one half of a couple doesn’t want more children

Shoppingwithmother · 17/05/2020 21:06

I don’t like the bit about him having the final say because he would be the father.

However, I can totally see his point otherwise. He has decided that he would like a biological child of his own. That is a reasonable wish.

I think him saying that things would be done differently if you had a child together, is also reasonable. He may not fully agree with all the decisions you and your ex have made regarding the upbringing of your twins, but it sounds like he has respected those decisions and got along with you, your ex and your kids very well.

I can’t see any reason why him saying that he may want to do some things differently with his own biological child is inherently a wrong thing to think. Should his biological child automatically be brought up exactly as you and your ex have decided and your DH have no choices at all?

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2020 21:11

Well, fundamentally you are never wrong for not having a child if you don't want one.

The "I will have final say because I'm the father" thing would concern me, but only you can tell how much the language barrier has twisted his meaning. I can imagine a scenario where what he meant was "but in the case of this child, I am the father, unlike the other two, so I will definitely have a say". That could indicate that he's not as blissfully happy as you say, so I do think some of your thinking is a bit off. You've used the fact that you are all happy as you are as the reason not to have another several times, but that clearly isn't the case, because he isn't happy as things are. You have taken him mentioning liking the idea of having a say on how his own child is raised as a criticism of how you do things with your two, when really isn't that just a natural feeling of someone who wants their own child and isn't content just being a step parent?

It doesn't really sound like he's making you feel guilty about the situation, it sounds like you naturally feel guilty because you know he isn't fully happy and that is a position being with you is putting him in. No one is being unreasonable, you shouldn't have a child you don't want to appease him, but it is a sad position he is left in.

The alternative interpretation is that he actually meant exactly what he said about having the final say as the father, in which case you definitely need to dig deeper into his sexist attitudes rather than brush them under the carpet.

Original poster
Curious200 · 17/05/2020 21:19

@aSofaNearYou he is happy with how things are he has said this numerous times within the conversations and has said that if we were not to have a child then he would be content with that, he wants to have a child not because he doesn't feel connected to the kids because they aren't his own, that means nothing to him as he raises them as his own. But because he loves me and would love us to have a child and the girls to have a sibling. I don't know the way he intended what he said about the father remark, that did throw me off, however I don't think now is the time to discuss that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curious200 · 17/05/2020 21:22

@shoppingwithmother of course he would be entitled to have different opinions on parenting. However when you married a woman with 2 kids who are the majority of the time with you both, then If you bring in a new addition - discipline amongst other things have to be kept the same for all of the kids. You can not have a one rule for 2 and another rule for 1. This would not make for a Content Happy home.

OP posts:
iolaus · 17/05/2020 21:25

If you feel your family is complete you are not being unreasonable to say you don't want another
He is also not being unreasonable if he feels this is a deal breaker in the relationship and if this is worth ending the relationship over

With the regard to him having the final say because he is the father, that would depend on what he meant by it - in terms of discipline - both parents are equal. In terms of what language he speaks to HIS child - yes that is up to him as the father, exactly the same it is up to you as the mother which language YOU speak to your child. It sounds as if he is just saying he would want his, hypothetical child to be bilingual - and the one parent consistantly speaking one language, the other speaking the other is a well recognised way of doing this - I used to babysit for a little girl who was brought up this way - spoke English with her Dad, German with her mum - there was the odd word that she'd fit in from the opposite language if she didn't know it.

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2020 22:54

Well, for what it's worth, when I had my daughter we agreed rules would be the same for both her and my partner's son, but we both had equal say in establishing those, rather than it just being assumed the rules would be those set by him and his ex for their son. We broadly agree on most things, but if we didn't then I wouldn't have had children with him if I'd had to follow their rules. I think it is natural that the rules for all the children would be adapted if you were to have children together so I wouldn't hold off for that reason alone. Also, the things he has listed don't really sound like criticisms of things you do, more things he would specifically like to do with his children, I don't see any malice in that.

But if it is as you say and he is perfectly content as things are, then there isn't really a problem as long as you are clear on where you stand.

Original poster
Curious200 · 17/05/2020 23:08

We parent the girls great together and in our house we set the rules for the girls together. My ex doesn't have say over how we parent the girls in our house obviously, just on the bigger aspects of their life that me and ex agree on for them. However what threw me was him saying that even if I disagreed with something he would want for our "future" child, what he wanted would be the ultimate decision if he didn't agree with me. That is what I'm NOT ok with because it should be a joint decision and he said that he would some things different for his child didn't go into specifics, which again if I didn't agree with or want, so assuming that is the case the girls wouldnt be doing it whatever it is, he would still parent the other child in that way. Things are great how they are and he's said he's happy for it to continue like this, I told him we can revisit this talk in 4 years time and perhaps his views would of changed slightly and perhaps I will feel differently, however I told him most probably no and he's fine with that.

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 17/05/2020 23:37

I just wonder if this is a case of getting wires crossed a bit again. Do you think he might have meant that if you had a child between you he would be the father and wouldn't have your ex in the picture who would makes decisions about your twins where he has no say at the moment for them.

Original poster
Curious200 · 17/05/2020 23:39

I don't think it was that because that's obvious that my ex wouldn't have a say in our kids life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curious200 · 17/05/2020 23:46

And he does have a say for the girls currently, very much so (my DH)

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 18/05/2020 00:12

I can understand why he is getting his hopes up, OP, if you've been talking to him about wanting to keep any accidental pregnancies and revisiting in a few years. You don't sound 100% secure in your decision to me. I'd make really sure you were being totally clear with him- better overstate and say it's never going to happen than understate and provide false hope.

underneaththeash · 18/05/2020 00:25

It's normal to want to have children with your wife/husband - that's biologically why humans make partnerships. But it's you thats has the babies and not him.

You were clearly too young to get married before.

Original poster
Curious200 · 18/05/2020 00:39

You can have a deep meaningful relationship without children. Many couples do. And we had an agreement before marriage and after not to have any children so only recently he has had other thoughts however is still happy for us not to have children. We have a family with my girls and he is their second father, blood or not that makes no difference to any of us

OP posts:
Original poster
Curious200 · 18/05/2020 00:39

Why was I clearly too young to get married before? @underneaththeash

OP posts:
borntohula · 18/05/2020 00:43

I don't think anyone should be having a baby unless they are completely certain they want one so yanbu

Original poster
Curious200 · 18/05/2020 01:10

Thank you @borntohula

OP posts:
0DETTE · 18/05/2020 01:17

Don’t have another child unless you really want one. Especially when you are going to have most of the disruption to your life and most of the work while he expects to have most of the power and right to
Make decisions.

That’s a recipe for resentment.

Original poster
Curious200 · 18/05/2020 01:26

Yes I agree and also I honestly couldn't imagine dealing with nappies and breastfeeding again. I did that x2 with my twins and that was more than enough for me

OP posts:
PurpleTrilby · 18/05/2020 01:47

Oh he's one of those: I'm the man, I decide. I actually heard a man say that once, I had to hold back from laughing. Would have just made things difficult for his poor girlfriend.

makingmammaries · 18/05/2020 06:12

If he really said that he would have the final say because he is the father, please don’t ascribe it to the language barrier. I don’t know where he is from but have heard this many times from men from Eastern Europe and can assure you it doesn’t get better with time.

PicsInRed · 18/05/2020 07:21

Once you are pregnant, it is clear that this man will become very controlling and much less helpful. I think hes so helpful as he feels that he doesn't "have" you yet, but hes telling you how shit it will be with him for the biological father. Believe him.

It was mentioned somewhere about different culture. Does he come from a non-Hague Convention country or have legal residence links to one?

You have a good life now. Getting pregnant to a man who has told you his word will be final would, indeed, ruin your existing kids lives - and yours and any new baby.

millymollymoomoo · 18/05/2020 07:32

Don’t string him along on the promise of we’ll revisit this in 5 years time, knowing that in all likelihood you won’t change your mind. Totally selfish and giving him false hope
He’s not unreasonable wanting a biological child and That doesn’t diminish how he sees your own children
If you’re adamant you don’t want more that’s fine but you should go your separate ways.