To not try for another baby?

[MrsMuffins]

I keep hearing from friends and family that it’s not a good idea to have an only child by choice, that we’ll regret not having another, that DS needs a sibling, etc etc. But, I’ve just had a miscarriage and it’s really scared us, and we’re feeling quite strongly that we don’t want to try again. DS is now 4, so there would be a big gap if we did have another anyway, and quite honestly the thought of being pregnant again fills me with horror. We are happy with our life right now, financially doing ok, but I worry that we’ll be depriving DS, or that we’ll regret only having one. Anyone in the same boat or made a similar decision?

We've one by choice. I'm almost certain we won't have another. He's a very happy sociable little thing. DH is an only and has no regrets. You only need to look at the threads here to see an awful lot of people don't get on with their siblings, or even if they do aren't especially close and see them only occasionally. I say this as someone who sees her own sibling multiple times a month under usual circumstances. We can offer DS a really nice life as an only and I had a horrific pregnancy and birth. You need to do what's right for your family not everyone else

Not the same boat but similar I suppose. DS is nearly 4. Was fairly premature and has had various health issues since (nothing chronic but we tend to end up in hospital more than most friends do). Also was a terrible sleeper until age 2. Just don’t know if we can or should go through all that again. Also we are around 40 so may not be sensible or possible anyway. As much as I’d love him to have a sibling...

@MiniMaxi I totally feel the same - our life is nice now, we have our evenings back and we can do fun things at weekends, I just can’t imagine chucking that all away to deal with all the stress and uncertainty of a newborn again. DS also had health issues, and has never been a good sleeper, so it feels like we’d have a mountain to climb to do it all again!

I have an only DS, aged 4. We wanted another child but I have been through one extremely traumatic TFMR and then one “normal” miscarriage. After the miscarriage I felt the same as you and that I couldn’t go through it again and we have decided to stop at one. Sold/given away all the baby stuff that we’d kept up in the loft etc. I feel fine about my decision, just a little guilty at times like now that my DS is lonely and doesn’t have any other children to play with.

I am in a similar position, trying to make this decision at the moment. We have one DD who is 3.5 now. I’ve got a lot of work stuff going on which would require we wait until Christmas to try again, I thankfully seem to fall pregnant quite quickly although have had a miscarriage before my DD. She was a dream baby, slept through very early but I had an awful pregnancy and crash section under general.

We’ve got to a good place financially, time wise and relationship wise. She’s great, very sociable and bubbly but lockdown has really evidenced that she would be a fantastic sister - and I think would benefit from a sibling.

I also worry about her future as an only, particularly if we have health issues etc. I absolutely have zero expectations of care (and am making provisions as such) but having someone to share that mental load with would be my choice. It’s so difficult.

Don't listen to other people, it your lives and its no-one else's business. Not all siblings get along anyway!

Yeah, I think if you could wave a magic wand and say I’d definitely have a safe pregnancy, with an undramatic arrival, and baby would be healthy, we might be more convinced to go for it - pandemic and age notwithstanding! - but there’ll always be that uncertainty, even if everything is much more likely to be ok than not ok.

Plus I totally feel you on the evenings and weekends thing! And the idea of proper holidays once we’re allowed to travel again :)

I'm an only child and have only ever wanted one. It took me 32 years to decide I wanted any! I had a great pregnancy and a fast, relatively easy birth so it isn't related to those stages, but I can't do another year of being up 2-3 times a night with a toddler/preschooler to look after as well. DS is 18 months and only just sleeping through.

@Randomness12 I’ve also thought about the situation when DH and I are older, and hear what you’re saying about the mental load. But it’s my experience that having a sibling doesn’t guarantee they’ll be any help, and in fact no matter how many children a family has, one usually seems to take the lead in managing caring for parents. It’s certainly the case for me - I’m really close to my brother, but he’s useless at anything practical! My best friend is one of five, and it was a bit of a case of ‘too many cooks’ when her mum needed to go into a home, she sorted everything with basically no support from her siblings.

Totally and utterly fine to have one. SO many advantages.

@missmouse101 talk to me about what they are! I struggle to think of advantages when I’m doubting myself!

I’m an only child (I’m now 30) and I turned out fine! I had lots of time with friends and family but I also learnt how to entertain myself and be happy in my own company. Honestly, that skill is vital yet underrated. If you’re happy with the way your life is now then don’t change it. There will always be someone questioning something.

No kids- “why don’t you have kids? Do you like kids? Better hurry up, you’re not getting any younger! Stop being selfish and give your parents a grandchild already!”

1 kid- “so where’s number 2 then? Better hurry up or DC1 will be too old. They will be lovely if you don’t”.

2 kids of different gender- “so are you done then? No plans for anymore? You don’t need anymore, you’ve got one of each. I really wouldn’t have another if I was you”.

2 kids of the same gender- “ah what a shame, don’t you wish you could have got one of each? Are you going to have another go to try and get a boy/girl?”

3+ kids- “wow you’ve got a big family! Not heard of contraception? Haha. Trying to get that boy/girl were you?”

People will always have something stupid and insensitive to say. Just don’t listen and do what is best for your family! 😊

Your child will be fine and you have to do what is right for your family. I know plenty of very happy and well adjusted only children.

For us, we have very strong sibling bonds and can't imagine not just having them there through childhood but to share the worries and practical support of helping aging relatives.

I have two children and having one wouldn't be a choice I'd have made. They love having each other and really want another brother or sister (they aren't getting one!).

I'm in a similar situation, DD is 2, DP keen for another one but I'm not! We'd be much better off financially sticking with one, life is pretty easy with one, she sleeps well and is usually very happy.
My concern is similar to you, will she be lonely? (Although I'm an only child and wasn't!), But also the irrational fear that something might happen to DD and then I'd wish I'd had another, which is the main thingi can't get out of my head as a reason to have another. Completely not the right reason to have one though!

I had lots of time with friends and family but I also learnt how to entertain myself and be happy in my own company

This for me. It's an important skill. I also got really good at making friends on my own terms because I wanted them rather than desperately needed them.

I got all of my parents's money and attention. Holidays twice a year because first child was free. Never had to babysit a younger sibling!

DH has a sister who is a few years older. They barely speak as they have nothing in common.

It's fine to have one child, it's not up to anyone else. Your only one will have more of your time, it's easier to get a babysitter, it's much cheaper!

I read on here once and I think it's good advice - don't have a baby to do a job, ie to be a sibling. Have another baby because you want to be a parent again.

Your choices are fine. It's not like you can't change your mind if you want to anyway!

I have 2 DS with a small age gap so my replies move between absolutely do it, they love each other, have a permanent playmate and it's fantastic to Christ no don't even think about it, two kids is overwhelming and all they do is fight. I wouldn't change anything I've got though, so go for it is ultimately my advice

My lo is one by choice.
And though during the lockdown a sibling could have been nice for lo, I'm not convinced that overall this would ever be in their best interests.
What I will say to you is that whatever we do, there's always going to be that damned if you, damned if you don't element to any situation.

I have an only child through choice. She is 6. I do still have pangs if guilt ( especially at the moment, when her closest friends are at home with one or two siblings to play with), but ultimately I know we have made the right decision. We can afford the holidays we would like, as well as being able to do stuff like work on the house, get a new car without too much financial hardship. She can go to gymnastics, swimming, dancing, and as her interests change, we can continue to be able to afford clubs.

She does occasionally say she would like a sibling, but I think the reality (at this stage in her life) is that she would struggle massively having a baby/toddler inserted into her life!

Ha ha Leodot! So true.

I'm in a similar position - our child is nearly 4 and we probably won't have another, for a number of reasons (health, happiness, financial). But we do keep on questioning whether it's the right decision (for all of us). I think the others above make some good points though - having a sibling is no guarantee of happy families.

Also just seen that you asked for some advantages. Obviously these will be different for everyone and I can only comment on my upbringing.

-I got lots of quality time and attention from my parents and my parents had more money for us to do things as there was only 1 of me. We went on lots of day trips to museums etc, great holidays, I had lots of hobbies.
-I learnt to be independent, entertain myself and be happy in my own company. I developed my imaginative play skills pretty well too!
-Still got lots of socialisation to develop PSE and sharing skills, as I had friends and family over, went to school and got to do clubs and hobbies with other kids.
-I’m an EYFS and primary teacher and I can’t say I’ve ever met an only child who suffered because of it.

I know that multi child families will be able to do a lot of these things as well but I think finances play a big part. If you have another child, you’re unlikely to be in a position to earn more money than you are now. Therefore any money you earn would now have to cover an extra person, reducing the amount allocated for the 3 people already in your household. So say that you can afford swimming lessons and tennis lessons but you can’t afford to pay for 2 sets of swimming and tennis lessons. Either, one child does swimming and one child does tennis or both do one and not the other. As an only child, I could do both swimming and tennis lessons. (Never actually played tennis, just an example 😂). As an only child, I had a lot of variety of opportunity as there was only me to pay for.

Not in a similar position (yet) but I can relate. I'm about to have my first, and although my pregnancy has been "straight forward" I've not enjoyed it, or the year prior to getting pregnant with this one (PUL and MMC at 12 weeks) it's been heartbreaking.

I always wanted 2 or 3 children but the whole journey to get having just one has put me off, and now I'm mid 30's - wanting a few years with my body being mine again is all I can think about. I could be too old for a second if I do decide I want another.

My DP knows how I feel and luckily would never put pressure on me to have another knowing how much I've disliked pregnancy, but I feel guilty not following the original plan we had. Nobody else opinion, however, matters. Susan can go screw

I have more children then you, but people still ask when are we having another, and I can hand on heart say there is absolutely no way I could consider knowingly bringing a child into this world right now. With climate change, brexit, and now a pandemic, we have absolutely no idea what our world will be like in 9months.
Nevermind if you don't want another. No one has any right to judge what you do and what choices you make for your family

It's really just up to the couple as to many kids they will have. Nothing to do with anyone else so don't let anyone pressure you. Who knows how your ds will feel, I heard grown up only children never really miss having a sibling and are quite happy, and also those who really wished they did, but either way, none I've met have ever resented their parents for that decision though. It's not the child's place. The only people who have a say is the couple so live your lives with what makes you happy.

If you don't want another one don't have another one.

It isn't up to anybody else. There are plenty of happy single children out there.