To not try for another baby?

[MrsMuffins]

I keep hearing from friends and family that it’s not a good idea to have an only child by choice, that we’ll regret not having another, that DS needs a sibling, etc etc. But, I’ve just had a miscarriage and it’s really scared us, and we’re feeling quite strongly that we don’t want to try again. DS is now 4, so there would be a big gap if we did have another anyway, and quite honestly the thought of being pregnant again fills me with horror. We are happy with our life right now, financially doing ok, but I worry that we’ll be depriving DS, or that we’ll regret only having one. Anyone in the same boat or made a similar decision?

@MynameisJune what responses are these?

I don't get this resistance to only having one child I really dont.
After what you have posted I would say don't have another child.
Lots of posters saying don't just have one were never only children.
Of course there are advantages and disadvantages but I think if you have made up your mind then stick to it.
People talk nonsense.
Lots of siblings hardly speak to each other.
Other people should mind their own business.

@MynameisJune

I think you’re referencing my post with the example about swimming lessons and tennis lessons. As I said in that post, most multi child families will be able to afford all of those things as well, but for some people, becoming a multi child family means their existing child will miss out. Only OP knows if that will be the case with her finances. I was just giving an example that this might happen.

You are obviously in a different situation to most people as you say that you can afford lots of things, including two ponies. Most people probably wouldn’t have those sorts of finances even if they had one child. You clearly can provide for both children without compromising on what they get, which is amazing but probably isn’t the case for most people.

There’s no criticism or agenda to my post. I was just saying that for many people, finances are a consideration and mean that one child may get more opportunities to do things/have material things than two. Again, I’m generalising. Besides to some people, material things and doing a variety of clubs and hobbies are irrelevant and they’d rather have two children. There is no right or wrong here. Each to their own.

Honestly some of the responses on here make me wonder why people even have one child

I found out at 27 weeks I was pregnant
I barely survived newborn, toddler and pregnancy felt just so wrong to me so why would I CHOOSE that again
It dont mean DD isnt loved or wanted. Im just honest about my limits and coping ability with the early days.

Now dd is 10 its so much easier and im finding i cope so much better, why ruin that?

@Leodot I agree. If you take the average household income, that doesn't stretch that far when you have children. When you have a family on Mumsnet for example who are paying for 2 kids to go to private school, have horses or boats or other expensive upkeep hobbies, and go skiing as well as a summer holiday plus pay for all the school trips on offer, they could afford 4 or 5 on an average family's "per child" budget without breaking a sweat.

I have a 4 year old and suffered recurrent miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopics and now permanently infertile - we are about to start a 5th round of IVF. My DD asks for siblings all the time - she even said the other day life would be boring without one (cue me crying in the car for an hour).
I wouldn't never want her to be an only child through choice but if IVF doesn't work I hope one day she'll see that it absolutely wasn't our choice and we really did everything we could (physically, emotionally and financially).

I nearly died twice from my ectopics and it took a long time for me to reconcile that with trying for a baby again - I felt that it wasn't worth me leaving my DD motherless in pursuit of a sibling but in the end I overcame my fears and here we are x

@hammeringinmyhead Exactly. Not a criticism of anyone but that isn’t the average lifestyle and most people need to consider money before having more children.

"... but I worry that we’ll be depriving DS, or that we’ll regret only having one."

I originally wanted two children and only had one. Endometriosis intervened and the only way I could be not in constant pain was hormonal contraceptives. By the time it was under control I was 40 and my son was 4and I considered it too big a gap, and -no, I really didn't want to go through the baby stage again!

DS is 21 now, and I don't regret only having one child. He did used to ask for a sibling, but when it was pointed out that a sibling would come as a baby and not already grown to his age he went off the idea! I don't think he feels deprived.

So - no regrets. No feelings of deprivation. Do what makes YOU happy and tell your family/friends to stop imposing their ideas on you.

My OH is one of six and it's a nightmare none of them get on. I have a brother and had a nice upbringing with him although don't see him much now.
My DD is going to be a big sister soon, ideally I'd like three but that may change.
I don't think there's anything wrong with one at all, you can get into a good routine and devote your time and energy to the one

Op, you can devote so much time, energy, resources, money, input and love to one. The environmental impact is far less, which is such a good thing. You only need a 2 bedroom house, an average size car, 3 bikes should fit into a normal sized shed, you won't have clashes between multiple children's activities. Your child is likely to be mature, comfortable around adults and self reliant. No wondering about how on earth you'd cope if your second had serious disabilities or you were very ill during pregnancy or labour. Your family is a known thing and it works!