To not try for another baby?

[MrsMuffins]

I keep hearing from friends and family that it’s not a good idea to have an only child by choice, that we’ll regret not having another, that DS needs a sibling, etc etc. But, I’ve just had a miscarriage and it’s really scared us, and we’re feeling quite strongly that we don’t want to try again. DS is now 4, so there would be a big gap if we did have another anyway, and quite honestly the thought of being pregnant again fills me with horror. We are happy with our life right now, financially doing ok, but I worry that we’ll be depriving DS, or that we’ll regret only having one. Anyone in the same boat or made a similar decision?

I'm an only child and I hated it. However, you'll get just as many people saying they loved it, so it's best to do what feels right for you and your family.

Similar minus the MC. DD is 4. Am now pregnant again. Dreaded pregnancy, dreading birth, dreading losing that closeness with DD. I'm an only child and wanted to give her a sibling as thought of being alone in the world when my parents die is awful. Not that there's a guarantee they'll even get on but at least they'll have a shared history. Age gap Im not at all worried about as pre lockdown it would have made life easier having one at school.

Friends and family need to mind their own business

When a person starts dating and gets serious it's, when are you moving in together? Then, when are you getting engaged? Married, children? Second child? Third child?

We had it all and were always very blunt with the answers. People don't realise how intrusive these questions are, it's private

I hated being an only child and said I wouldn't have just one if I could help it. But everyone story is different and it's up to you in the end.

My dd is an only child. She would have made an excellent older sister as she is so outgoing and loves little kids. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. I couldn’t risk my health and ability to be able to look after dd to have another child. I have struggled a lot just meeting her basic needs. Even so I was told I was selfish and I should have started earlier. Dd was the result of ivf btw. 3rd time lucky.

Idk why people think they have a say in the most important decision in your life: whether or not to create another life.

Oh and I forgot to say, I worked very hard to give dd the closest thing possible to a sibling experience.

I am the mum of an only child, now grown-up. They had a great time as a kid with lots of other children to play with as I was a ruthless play date maker. They are now a bit gleeful at the thought of an inheritance all to themselves.

We have 1 and it's great.Dont let other people push you into having another if its not what you want.

Dd is an only by choice
The whole idea of pregnancy, newborn and toddler leaves me cold, running for the hills, screaming. I couldn't do it again. I refuse to do it again, no if's or buts.
I was told for years I'd regret it, change my mind, get clucky. NEVER has happened, dd is 10 now
Told dd would be selfish, rude, not able to play with other kids, lonely. Not true in our case.
Now she older we also have the ability to travel easier, have a little more spare cash, sleep ins.
I wouldn't change it.

I am know three adults who are only children and all three wish they had a sibling. I have a sibling and we've always been fairly close and had some great family times, my mother is now ill and I'm so glad I'm not having to deal with this alone. But each to their own, at the end of the day you have to do what's right for you op.

We have one child. It was a problematic pregancy and DS was premature. He doesnt have any health issues. We struggled to get pregant again due to my thyroid issues and then when I finally got pregnant, I miscarriaged which really devasted me. So I think I can understand your feelings and how you feel about trying again. Im 42 now and DS is almost ten so that ship has sailed for us. As much as we would have loved a second I can see that DS is a very happy boy so I dont think he is really disadvantaged. He is very social and even in lockdown has been in daily contact with his friends(through videocall). He has our attention when needed. Also we can afford private school, large deposit to help him buy, help him with education/starting a business. We did make a big effort to encourage friendships. We also have a mountain of boardgames so play with him ourselves alot. I think you do have to be aware with an only child that they dont have a sibling to play with. It is completely up to you OP and how you feel. Care when older is a real consideration but I have seen so many times where one sibling only deals with all that.I have a few friends who are only children who are well balanced. I have lots of siblings and TBH I spend a lot of my time supporting them through various crises. My DH has one sibling and is under constant pressure from his parents to look after him because he wont work etc. Having a sibling is not a bed of roses either.

We were so certain that we couldn't go through the newborn phase again that DH had the snip when she was about 5 months. I gave all my newborn stuff away as soon as she was out of it.

I knew there was a risk that I would forget how awful the first few months were and we just couldn't take the chance! Plus we're too old to do the whole TTC thing again (39 and 43). I had 2 miscarriages before a successful pregnancy and it took 2 years.

No regrets, not even a wobble.

Perhaps you could look into long term fostering or adoption. Lots of children need loving homes.

Have another because you want one not because anyone else thinks you should provide a sibling.

I would just say though, that not all of us with 2 or more are in financial hardship. Our girls will both be able to play tennis and having swimming lessons. They have a pony, when the youngest is old enough she can have her own pony if she wants one. Yes they’ll share our inheritance when we die but I’m hoping that like myself and DH we have made our own way in the world and would rather our parents spent all their money on themselves than worry about leaving it to us.

Having 2 is hardwork, overwhelming and challenging so I wouldn’t recommend anyone do it unless your 100% sure you want another baby for you because sibling benefits don’t really start to pay off until they’re a bit older.

We always wanted 2, tried for over a year for a second and then decided we were actually happy with one child because our lives were getting easier. She was about to start Reception (age 4).

It was one of the most difficult decisions in life and I cried about it, constantly changing my mind. She is now coming up to age 6 and I am totally content with my decision. It certainly makes homeschooling easier with just one!

For us it's for many of the reasons above, such as being able to go on a nice holiday each year, more likely that family will babysit with only one, not going back to the baby stage, having a calmer house etc. We love a bit of peace, and having one means we are still a family but with less chaos. We do worry about her being spoiled though.

I'd love for her to have a playmate but we struggled with the baby and toddler stage and am happy with my life as it is.

It's a difficult decision so I wish you the best of luck!!

Thank you so much everyone, so many of your posts really resonate. @Mummyoflittledragon your post brought a tear to my eye - I feel the same, DS would be such a lovely big brother but I also am scared to risk my health, and our life as it is.

I don’t know if it helps any but my husband is an only child and he loved it. He said he never felt he missed out.
I think people always presume that siblings will be friends but we can see from hundreds of posts on here that it is very often not the case. It can be hard work with fighting and arguing through childhood which sometimes continues until adulthood. Ignore what the armchair experts say and do what’s right for you. I’ve had a few children and last was surprise pregnancy with difficult pregnancy and birth, due to long term health condition there could have been serious consequences. The first day after I had baby a relative asked how soon I’d be trying for another as baby needs sibling own age

Make the decision that you believe will make YOU happiest. It may sound selfish but if you feel forced into a situation you don't want, the whole family unit will suffer.

There's absolutely no guarantee that your DS would get on with a sibling - the opposite is often the case. You don't know if he's going to grow up and say he loved being an only child or he loathed it, if he loved having a sibling or he loathes them - there's no way you can tell. Another baby is always a throw of the dice.

I have two DC, 14 months apart and it was very, very overwhelming going from 1 to 2. I had a lovely calm household with one, it's been a noisy stressful environment much of the time since.

I think in hindsight my personality would have fared better with one child. I'm not a good multitasker and I hate that I never get proper 1to1 with either child. They often scream and fight over toys and I feel like a constant referee and I crave silence.

That said, my absolute favorite part of parenting is watching them interact nicely together and nothing moves me more than seeing them be kind/comfort one another without the prompt of an adult. I'm hopeful the chaos will give way to a lovely sibling relationship - but who knows!

Go with your gut OP. Don't be swayed into having a sibling because you "should" do it if it's what you really "want" otherwise enjoy your gorgeous DS and he'll thrive.

I’ve not got a child yet (infertility) I always wanted 2 and then at some point that changed to 1 (probably started to think about it because DH only wants 1). I know there are also advantages of having more than one child as well but personally for us I think one is better. My reasons (in no particular order) are:

• More money so can give them more opportunities and experiences- and save up so can help with their house or wedding or education as required
• Can do age appropriate activities with them without a younger child to hold us back
• In similar vein can more easily do active holidays like city breaks as one child is more portable
• More quality time with child to help with homework, talk and listen, develop their interests etc
• Easier for DH and I to both develop our careers
• Therefore easier for me to stay financially independent

-Easier to get a babysitter and more opportunity to preserve our relationship as a couple

• Similarly easier and cheaper to sort childcare for work
• If parents or in laws want to do childcare, less concerns about them managing as they get older

-Personal one but infertility treatment is so emotionally draining and if we’re lucky enough to have a child I’d rather invest my time and energy into my life and appreciate and enjoy the experience of having a child than invest emotional energy in more treatment

• Encourage independence and the ability to entertain themselves
• More adult company likely means better vocabulary, more awareness of what’s going on in the world and more critical thought
• Never be outnumbered, one of us can look after child whilst other gets “me time”
• Quieter household suits us better
• Less drudgery- less washing to do, dishes to do, people to feed, cleaning to do etc
• Our house is about the right size for 3 people
• Can go out with one set of our parents all in one car
• Easier to fit one child into our routine, still get to do our hobbies etc
• Also personal but I could get treatment for my endometriosis sooner and more options available without worrying about future fertility (assuming pregnancy doesn’t resolve it, which I’m told it might)
• Love having rescue pets in the household and it’s easier with an older child so would be more difficult if we had children of different ages
• No sibling fighting, jealousy, concerns about favouritism etc
• Personal one, more suitable for DH’s health issues
• Much better environmentally

I feel there are more these are just from the top of my head. I think it’s very personal though, other people would look at my reasons and think they’re rubbish because they prefer to have a larger family and have their own reasons, you have to do what’s right for you and your DP ultimately.

Your DS will be fine either way, studies show only children tend to be just as happy and do just as well academically and socially and have similar levels of self esteem etc as children with siblings.

While I totally agree with you, an only child is gonna be totally fine...

.... please don't be put off having another one because of what labour was like the first time - no one can say if it will or will not be the same next time around.
And, each DC are totally different, just because DC1 didn't sleep, doesn't mean DC2 will not sleep etc

Do what’s best for you and your family. Don’t be swayed by others. A lot of people live their lives for the approval of others and end up regretting it.

Honestly some of the responses on here make me wonder why people even have one child 🤷‍♀️

I have a slightly different perspective that I was determined to have at least 2 children.

First pregnancy was dreadful and I had sepsis badly after birth. Decided I still wanted 2 and went for it, had a miscarriage and eventually surgical management due to heavy bleeding.

Now we have a second child, pregnancy wasn't great but better than the first time and birth was a breeze in comparison.

I have decided that 2 is plenty I don't want to deal with pregnancy ever again. If someone could hand me a newborn I'd have number 3 though. But my desire to have at least 2 comes from the fact that I have a sibling that I was close to and then my parents divorced and did the his and hers child and split us up like the furniture. But if I'd never had that sibling relationship then I'd of never missed it. I did seriously consider not having a second.

I have a "large" family, if you are happy with one that's great!! Why have another one if you don't really want to, it would be madness...

Don't let other people's beliefs pressure you into the life long commitment of having another child. I would actually call them out on their rudeness.

Listen to your instincts; inside you'll know what's right for you. I was determined to have more than one if at all possible as I had such a wonderful close friendship with my late beloved sibling. Fortunately my two DC are each other's best mates although I know this isn't always the case.