To ask how you tell a child that their grandparent died?

[DunaDunaDunaDunaBATMAN]

This may seem daft, but I’m struggling with how to word this to a six year old.
He never met his grandfather, he died when I was 15.
I’ve googled how to talk about death to a child but the only advice I can find is when they have known the person... can anyone advise on ways to explain death to child about someone they have never met?
My son is asking a lot of questions recently about my dad and I want to sit him down and explain who he was and that fact that he’s no longer here... but how do I do that without causing anxiety about death?

The truth.

He’s dead.

My five year old DS has a good concept and grasp of death because we’re open with him and tell him the truth.

My lovely next door neighbour died about 6 months ago. My son loved chatting to her over the fence and she knitted for him and made him cakes etc. She asked him (really me 🤣) to feed her cat when she was in holiday and he did so with great importance. They were quite close.

She died suddenly last autumn and I sat him down and told him the truth. That she had died and he wouldn’t see her again but he only had to think about her and she would be in his head and heart.

Your DS presumably didn’t know his grandfather so just be honest and gentle about it.

It’s a fact of life.

If you are calm and collected about it and answer any questions without saying that he's asleep in heaven then it should be fine. The concept of heaven is ok if it's your thing but not the sleeping.

It's better to be blunt and honest with children, they are more resilient than you realise, they will ask questions if they need to you can soften it up a bit if you dont want to go into details of the death but the truth is always best.

If it's not come up naturally, draw a family tree together. Then when you get to the layer with the grandparent, you explain that their grandfather X was your father, and it's a shame they never met because he died before DC was born

Agreed, by saying pretty much what SufferingSandra said.

@antipodalpizza

That’s a good point. I should have added that I am catholic and my DH is very much atheist. We have told DS that I believe heaven exists and DH doesn’t. We’ve said to DS that he can decide what he wants to think.

"Grandad died a long time ago. I bet he would have loved to meet you! Shall we do some drawing?"

Just tell him he died before he was born.

My dad died in December and I had to tell my 3yo who adored him. I was just honest, he asked why grandad had died I said it's what happens at the end of your life.
He still asks me now as he doesn't understand yet that death is permanent.
My 5yo nephew understands a bit more.

I don't think it has to be a big "thing". My kids ask about my dad, my answer is that he died, when I was 25. My oldest was too young to remember him, my youngest wasn't born. They sometimes ask random questions about him, I tell them. It's no different to telling them when my grandparents died, how it happened etc.

*telling them about whe my grandparents died. Which was long before they were born.

Keep it simple and stick to the facts. My MIL died last year and we had to tell DD (just turned 5). We simply said that we had some sad news and that granny had died. She cried, we cried, I said it was ok to be sad and to ask questions.

Young children are very matter of fact about these things. People advised us, and we’re right, that it would take a good few days or weeks before she would start to ask more questions.

Do not say things like gone to sleep or we lost him because this can confuse them because they go to sleep and lose things that are found again. Factual, dead, died, a family tree is a great idea.

I had to tell my children that their grandma was dying of cancer, with both grandmas. Then you get into the whole well doctors can't always fix everything, they tried really hard. Parenting is sometimes really shit

. It's just straightforward- you tell him about your father and that sadly he died before he could meet him. I don't think this will result in any anxiety. It's the natural course of things. He's old enough to get that.

I never really get why people think it's a big thing to be honest and don't really get it when people say their children don't understand death
I've always just told my child creatures/animals/people have died and she's always understood it from a very young age. I don't see why it has to be any more complicated than the truth really

Don't use vague terms like 'fell asleep'

Thank you all. I feel I’ve left it too late to explain it properly... he’s asked about him before but I’ve always skirted the issue. One, because I didn’t want him worrying about death, and two, because I found it hard to talk about my dad. Which I realise is ridiculous and I’ve probably made it so much worse 😕 I think he’s heard stuff on the news about coronavirus and it’s got him thinking about things...

Surely he knows about death?
My daughter's 6 and I can't imagine having this anxiety about this
She's known about dying for years

As everyone else has said. My mother died many years before I had DC. My father died shortly after DC's birth. Since then two older relatives have died.
I've kept it straightforward, shown photographs, and said how well they would have got on. We've talked about the family members and at no point has there been any anxiety.

Just get on with it.

I never met one of my Grandads as he died before I was born. Does it bother me? No.

I also can barely remember the other one as he died when I was very young. Again, not bothered.

Spit it out, move on.

I learned more about them as I was older. When I was little, the one I remembered I had a nice memory of him as being a lovely grandad. Now I'm an adult and can discuss them with my parents, sadly I've discovered both of them were pretty awful and one was outright abusive.

But when I was a child, my parents told me child appropriate things about them and didn't expect me to be too interested in people I'd never or barely met.

Kids only worry about stuff you seem worried about. My father died when my DS was four. it was sudden and I was devastated, but I explained I was sad because I wouldn't see my father again because he died. I just said it's ok to be sad sometimes, he was absolutely fine with the whole thing. He barely met him which I guess made it easier.

What do you say when they ask what happens after death? I know this is a very personal question and it all depends on what you believe.

My mum died nearly five years before my older child was born. It's always been spoken of matter-of-factly: kids know that "my other granny died before I was born".

I may have been helped here by the fact that my grandfathers died a couple of years before I was born and when I was six months, and it was always just a family fact to me. Parents married in 1958, Aunty G went to Australia, Aunty A got divorced, Pop died when I was a baby.

(Telling them that Grandad who visited us every couple of months had died was a totally different kettle of fish...)

Just say he died. It's better children know the truth. Also with respect, at the age of 6 your child is old enough to understand.

What do I say about after death?

To be honest I do say heaven. I wouldn't describe myself as religious but I was brought up Christian so it makes sense to still think that. And yes it does make me feel comfort.
That has been harder for her to understand of course cos there body's still here but there are things that they don't fully get when they're young that's just life.

I know he’s old enough to understand, I’m asking how to explain it so it doesn’t cause anxiety 🙄

Starting to remember why I stopped visiting mumsnet.