To ask how you tell a child that their grandparent died?

[DunaDunaDunaDunaBATMAN]

This may seem daft, but I’m struggling with how to word this to a six year old.
He never met his grandfather, he died when I was 15.
I’ve googled how to talk about death to a child but the only advice I can find is when they have known the person... can anyone advise on ways to explain death to child about someone they have never met?
My son is asking a lot of questions recently about my dad and I want to sit him down and explain who he was and that fact that he’s no longer here... but how do I do that without causing anxiety about death?

My DC never knew my father. I really wouldn't 'sit him down and explain'. Just answer questions clearly and unambiguously, but only as they arise. Talk about him as part of your life, it is hard of course, but it keeps the memory of that person alive and helps your child feel comfortable asking questions about death.

I think that depends on your beliefs. I'm atheist, I say to my children that death is final, but we remember people and their lives impact people for a long time, but that other people believe in heaven.

My experience is that young children are very matter of fact and not terribly affected by starting to understand death. My youngest first question after understanding the concept was 'when the cat dies can we get a better one?' Think he was about 6.

Yes mine was always like that too. But I guess it depends how you do approach things sometimes if you make things into a big deal then they become a big deal

The truth. When I was 8 my mum took me on her lap and simply told me my gran had died. I burst into tears. There's no getting around the simple truth.

Why will it cause a 6 yo anxiety to be told that somebody that they never met died a long time ago . Your approach is what will cause anxiety because you are building it into a big thing , which it is not . My dad died before either of my children were born and they were bought up knowing that I had a great dad , who would have been a great grandad but that he had sadly died . I’m atheist so no heaven here .

Make sure to use the actual words 'dead' and 'died'. Children don't understand euphemisms and it can cause more distress and confusion if you have to unpick and explain them later.

My advice is to talk openly about it, it is a natural part of life, and use the book “Always and forever” by Alan Durant - best book I have ever used to talk to children about death and how to cope with it including in the future.

Agree also with using word death, never talk about “going away” etc or any phrases that are open to misinterpretation. I also believe in using medical words and explanations. Children are interested in acquiring knowledge.m

When my Mum died, my dh just told dd who was 9. I was with my Mum and dh and dd were in a different town.
Mum had been very ill for a while and so it wasn't unexpected. Dd wasn't at the funeral. I both regret that and am glad of it.

My dad’s parents died around 10-15 years before I was born. It never bothered me at all. My dad just said, ‘They died before you were born. That was a shame, they’d have loved you.’ My dad would tell me stories about his childhood which I loved hearing. In retrospect I realise he was telling me about his much loved parents so I would have some knowledge of what they were like. Just cute stories, usually about some mischief he and his brothers had got up to.

Theres no reason it would cause anxiety as long as you don't dwell on it unnecessarily. You could watch the episode of Topsy and Tim when mossy the dog gets put to sleep and take it from there? I am an atheist so I have told my children about cremation and burial. Others in the family believe in heaven and my DD (8) has chosen to believe in heaven as I imagine it gives her comfort. Occasionally she brings up the subject as does DS (4) and we discuss anything they want. I haven't had to deal with explaining a death of a young person or anyone very close to them yet, just a grandparent and 2 great grandparents.

just be honest - I had to explain to mine their grandparents had been "unlawfully killed"! obviously I wasn't quite that blunt but they don't seem to have had any problems accepting it. Much harder when a child has lost someone they knew.

As for what happens after death well like you say it comes down to your beliefs. I am not sure we ever really discussed it, If I remember right I think I asked them what THEY thought happened and they came up with their own explanation and we left it at that.

People have given good advice. I see why you are worried, it’s good that you don’t want to cause anxiety - especially in our coronavirus death obsessed world. Say the word dead but obviously give reassurance that he was very old etc.

Bear in mind that a 6 year old will most probably hear other children mention someone who died before they were born, so it won't be an unknown concept, most probably, nor will the possibility of grandparents or great grandparents dying. You can be pretty sure that even if every kid in small batman's class has been told not to mention the fact that grandparent's can die in case it makes the other children worried (which would be a pretty awful thing tbh) that not every child will obey this.

So it's probably going to be a lot less upsetting for batman junior than you fear. When I read the title I thought the grandparent had only just died. Both my grandfathers died before I was born and most of my classmates didn't start out with a full set of grandparents alive. I can remember people being upset when a grandparent they knew and loved died, and I remember thinking that grandads seemed to be nice people and wished I had one, but no-one every said they were anxious about having one that was dead.

The only way I can see this would be anxiety provoking for small batperson is if you've actually told him if grandad is still alive.

I understand all of your points... but my reasoning is, how do I prevent him from worrying that his mum & dad are going to die? Or that sometimes, unfortunately, children die?
Or have I been a terrible parent and left it too late to explain this to him?
Or do I have an incredibly inquisitive child that needs to know everything? 🙈
I know these are the questions he will throw back at me. It won’t be a case of ‘oh, grandads dead’... I just don’t want to upset him. I hope you can all understand that.

This is a great website with advice for discussing death with children. www.winstonswish.org/
All advice on here is spot on. Tell them age appropriate facts about someone dying. You’re not breaking new news so there’s no rush. Just put it into everyday conversation my dad used to love ... and you do too.
You could show photos if you have some to share with your child. Definitely use words like dead/died not passed away/gone to sleep/gone to live with the angels etc.

I told the truth. She died, she was ill, too poorly to get better and isn't hurting anymore. No, dead people can't come back but we can still love them, talk about them and be happy and sad at the same time and it is okay to cry about it.
I had to tell DS at 3 years old (almost 4) that my nan died. He was so close to her and saw her 4-5 times a week. I told him this and he understood but was so upset and asked a lot of questions but I was honest with him from the start

"People don't usually die until they are very old, especially nowadays so it is really, really unlikely." (Please don't tell him it is not possible though.)

If he asks, ‘Will you die?’ just say, ‘Not for many, many years, darling, don’t you worry. Everyone gets old and dies eventually, though.’ Be very matter of fact, don’t get emotional and then change the subject. He shouldn’t get upset if you don’t.

This may be an unpopular opinion but some questions you need to brush over quite quickly eg "will you die mummy?" "Yes I will one day but not til I'm very old and wrinkly, shall we play football?" "Do children die" " yes sometimes if they're very poorly and it's very sad but luckily this doesn't happen much, shall we do some colouring?" Talk about death with a 6 year old needs to be matter of fact and simple and you don't need to have a big conversation, just slip it in everyday discussions.

@supermumtum I think that's what everyone's saying!

You can't shield him from worrying about death though. It's just something that he will need to think about and work through over a period of time. He might have days that he's worried because of something he's seen or heard but he needs to know that it's natural and in the majority of cases its peaceful and uneventful.

You just need to try and be matter of fact. My 6 year old is pretty clued you about death but he's experienced a pet dying when he was 3 and he still talks and remembers about it now. As long as you're honest what will be will be

I don’t know if this will help but both sets of my grandparents died before I was born.
I remember asking when I was about 8 and being given a very blunt and truthful ‘they died before you were even born’ and it almost instantly made it not be an emotional connection, it’s hard to explain but it was very easy to get my head around that and accept it. At the end of the day I didn’t know them.
Seeing my children live through seeing grandparents dying has been a very different experience to what I had and needed a lot more chats about death and the afterlife. My children find bright stars and say that’s their grandparents and that gives them lots of comfort so suits me!
I hope you find a way to have the chat that suits you both.

My worry is, my dad wasn’t old when he died though... he was 49. My sons dad is 41. I know he will put 2+2 together and start to worry. Do I lie and say grandad was old when he died? Or am I thinking far too much into this?
I know you all must think I’m making a big deal of nothing... but I know he’s the type of boy who analyses everything.. I just don’t want to overwhelm a 6 year old. Especially with everything going on at the moment