To ask how you tell a child that their grandparent died?

[DunaDunaDunaDunaBATMAN]

This may seem daft, but I’m struggling with how to word this to a six year old.
He never met his grandfather, he died when I was 15.
I’ve googled how to talk about death to a child but the only advice I can find is when they have known the person... can anyone advise on ways to explain death to child about someone they have never met?
My son is asking a lot of questions recently about my dad and I want to sit him down and explain who he was and that fact that he’s no longer here... but how do I do that without causing anxiety about death?

Well personally I would never lie.
To me it's important to be honest about everything
If he truly is the kind of child who will be anxious and you're not overthinking it well then like some of the posts have said about you will just have to deal with it honestly and reassuringly.
But you can't avoid it especially when he's not to this age!

*got to this age

As someone who also lost a parent at a young age I understand why you are worried about it. I was terrified that my children would grow up worried that we would die because losing my father has scarred me/my life. (I also struggled to talk about it without crying.) I hardly ever discussed it with my kids in the first few years but I started & they seem to understand that he died but haven’t attached much to the idea that my daddy died when I was the age they are now. They know I wish they had met him/he would have taught them rude songs/taken them to watch sport but they don’t have my sadness over it

We’ve always been matter of fact too. When DH’s auntie died the kids were upset, it was the first time they were old enough to know what was going on. We emphasised that while it was ok to be sad that we couldn’t see her anymore and she had died, we could be happy that she had a long, happy life full of people who loved her, and we all have lots of nice memories to share. As for the what happens, we went with “well no one knows for certain what happens, but quite a lot of people believe that we go to heaven. I like to think that we do too”

Dd (just turned 5) asked about me and DH dying last week. I said to her that it’s not something for her to worry about just now because “how old am I? Right, and my mum and dad are still alive aren’t they? And daddy is even older and his mum and dad haven’t died. We plan on being here for a very long time, and even when we aren’t we’ll always be right there in your heart, no matter how you are.” We had a cuddle then she was off terrorising DS.

Be honest, answer the questions as they ask them.

I he asks could you not just say you don’t know? He doesn’t need to know all the ins and outs just yet especially if he will analyse it.
Answer what you’re comfortable to and deny knowing the other questions until he is a lot older (when he probably won’t be that bothered anymore)

You need to prepare your child that death will happen as it will be worse when they first experience it. My son was 6 when my mum died 2 years ago today. I was straightforward in facts - it was unexpected and right mess to be honest. He does come out with gems like well at least Grandpa can watch what he wants on tv now. It's taken 18 months for him to stop going on about it and he didnt cry. What had helped before is that we had lost a few fish so maybe get him a short lifespan pet? Instead of heaven even though I am a churchgoer I go with a star in the sky whilst being factual about the biology aspect.

I don't think he will analyse it as much as you think. I think you are projecting your anxieties about it into the situation.

I wouldn't make a thing about it, next time he asks about it just say he died before you were born. As others have said children are very matter of fact about death and sometimes seem to accept it more.

I have two children aged 7 and 9. The 7 year olds best friends dad died suddenly a few months ago. We were friends and we were very upset. The children were sad for their friend but haven't dwelt on it. He was the same age as their dad and they haven't said anything about him dying. They just seemed to accept it.

Thank you all, some great advice.
Love the family tree idea, I think we will have a go at that tomorrow, great way to get talking about family.
I hope you all don’t think I’m trying to make a big deal about death... I just want to approach it in a way that won’t impact him too much for his age, he’s known to be a bit of a worrier (unlike his brother 😂) and I don’t want to exacerbate things

I think he will be ok. My 3 year old is sensitive but he's always a known that grandad is dead (and we say "lives in heaven") - he's fine.

The thing is, someone he knows is going to die one day. You can't protect him from death, only prepare him.

Oh, I thought you meant a recent death which the child would be affected by. Just talk about your Dad as a person, it's the best way to keep his memory alive as your child ages. In our family we lost my Grandad when DD was 4. He was DD's grandad, I'm NC with mine due to childhood abuse.
My sisters have had this problem as their children were born afterwards and only my DD was old enough to have real memories of her/my Grandad.
I think you have to paint the picture in their mind of the person you loved, and make it real that way. I'm sorry if this comes across as crass, but just because family members aren't here any more doesn't mean their memory and history should be forgotten. You pass it on and impress the love and meaning they had in your life onto your child. That way they live on. That's just my take on it.

Keep it factual, age appropriately because saying "gone to sleep" for example can cause anxiety. It's better to be honest about death. That way kids can properly interpret the difference. But by all means, elaborate on your memories and let them see you smile when you talk about them.

Both my parents died long before DD was born, and DH's dad when he was 4, so DD has only had one grandparent. She has always known this. We never made a big thing of it. I think she may have asked why she had no granddad and I just told her they died before she was born, end of.

Honestly, it isn't difficult.

I think you're overthink it to be honest.
My mum's dad and my dad's mum both died before I was born. I was always just told exactly that, they died before I was born. It was never a drama, it was never an emotional thing. I've never even referred to them or thought of them as a gran and papa, as I never met them.

And my dad's mum was only 48 when she died too. Didn't think anything of it. When you're wee, everyone is old anyway.

I think you're over thinking the whole thing @OP. Like many on MN we have all lost parents and grandparents at a young age. My dad died when my brother and I were 6&8, aged 43. I now joke I am older than my dad. I've always taken DC (now teens)to his grave with flowers. They always known he's dead and exactly how he died.

Just tell him, honestly a 6 year old won't care. Both my parents were dead before I had my children and they mean no more to them than some ancient long gone ancestors. But it is nice to talk about my parents to my children. Your grief is not theirs.

Hard if they die right now.

But this is a grandparent they've never met? I don't understand. Just say he was lovely etc etc but he's no longer here.

Why the issue?

Just to warn you though, he probably won't be that bothered. It will be hard for you understandably but not for him.

Just be honest in an age appropriate way - it means they never remember not knowing something. My mum was like this and I don’t remember learning about sex, periods, death etc - it just feels like stuff I always knew.

My mum died when I was a teenager so obviously my DS never met her. He asked about her when he was around 5. He had lots of questions and I didn’t hide anything from him. Anxiety comes when they feel your hiding things or not being honest.

Be honest with yourself - is he anxious and overthinking or interested in learning and finding out about the world?

It does come across that the overthinker is you, and you are projecting anxiety, while he is busy asking a lot of questions about how the world works as he grows up and learns.

Very matter of fact, my older two (eldest is 5) know about death and talk about it in a very matter of fact way. We had a few tears when we told them a pet had died but that was soon taken over with curiosity.
I say this as someone who had a grandparent who died long before I was born. It's a good opportunity to talk about death without them getting upset that a loved one has died.

My Dad died when I was 2. I’ve always talked openly with DS about that and just said he died when I was little. I think you are probably over estimating how much your child will ask you about it.

My DS Dad went on to pass away when he was 7. I have always answered his questions as honestly as is appropriate for his age. The one bit of advice I will give is if he asks you something and you say the wrong thing don’t be afraid to revisit the question. I’ve done this a couple of time passes with DS just casually said “you know the other day when you asked X? Well I don’t think I explained it properly so would you mind if I have another go now?” Children are very forgiving and happy to take a second answer a few days later if needed.

Thanks all, you are right, I am most likely over thinking all this. I guess honesty is the best policy here, I think I tend to do more harm than good when I try to shield children from too much.

Batman I am so sorry your father died when you were only 15. It must have been very hard for you. My mum died when I was a child and you carry and reprocess the bereavement all your life. Becoming a parent yourself especially as children grow and understand more, can throw up a lot of grief and challenges.

I agree with the replies saying your son will probably be a lot cooler about it all than you might expect. This doesn't make it easy for you though.

I could write for hours but I would say please be kind to yourself and I totally recommend Cruse counselling. It was probably 30 years after my mums death that I actually had counselling and it taught me so much. I don't know about you but when I was a child, there wasn't a lot of support for bereaved children and it is always worth seeking that support at any later time.

I honestly think you are worrying unnecessarily. Children are pretty matter of fact about death. They are upset if somebody they are close to dies, but the concept of death is extremely unlikely to worry them.

I would be very surprised if a 6 year old, especially the kind of child you have described your ds as being, had never thought about death. He must have come across characters dying in books, films or tv programmes or had a classmate whose pet or grandparent had died. If he was going to start worrying about you dying or children dying then it would have happened already.

Next time your ds asks about your dad, just say that he died a long time ago. Let him ask questions about it if he wants (but don't necessarily prompt him to ask questions) and then move the conversation on.

I think he will know about death in reality. I skirted the issue when we had my beloved cat PTS because I didn't feel up to explaining. She'd been staying with my DM for a few days because she'd been stressed so badly by us having a toddler and I was considering rehoming her to see if she might be happier elsewhere. She wasn't, her health broke down even more and the vet advised me that there was no way to make her life happier.

I'd had her for 10 years (she was a rescue cat) and she was thirteen and a half. I was devastated, as you will imagine, and I was with her at the end. We were secretive about it with our DD1 (then two and a half), because she'd adored the cat and her name was h first clear word (Dizzy). But then one day she asked, 'Is Dizzy dead?' I've no idea how she worked it out, but it teach me a lesson about being open with children.

We've since then had to tell them that their paternal Grandad died in a car accident and that my F is dead too (they only have Grandmas).

So I would say, just answer the question directly, they're a lot more able to understand than we often give them credit for..