Angry message from DD's boyfriends mum

[richele4]

Background: DD is 19, boyfriend is 20, been together for almost 3 years. When lockdown was announced DD moved out of uni accommodation and in with her boyfriend and his family (mum, dad, brother).

Tonight DD rings me upset and says that she had an argument with boyfriends mum and was told she wasn't welcome to stay there anymore. She asked if could come and stay with us instead (boyfriend included). Don't bash me for this, I know the rules say you can't switch between households but it's my daughter, of course I said yes. Asked what the argument was about and she said that boyfriends mum shouted at her for not doing enough housework and not contributing enough towards shopping. I've never asked how much DD was contributing towards food or bills because she's an adult with a job and can sort that herself. I know that she was paying weekly towards shopping (and getting them discount because she works at Tesco) and also giving some money for rent and bills, I just don't know how much.

DD and boyfriend due to come to ours from tomorrow which is totally fine.

Anyway, I received a message from boyfriends mum saying how disgusted she was with DD's behaviour while she's been living there. Saying that she was messy, waking up in the afternoon, only cooking and cleaning for herself, eating more food than she was paying for... Essentially, "treating the place like a hotel."

Firstly, DD works evenings into the night, often not arriving home until 3 or 4 in the morning, so if she wakes up in the afternoon then it's because she was up half the night? Secondly, DD has always been the cleanest person I know. Her room or bathroom was never untidy when she lived at home and she hated when dishes weren't cleaned immediately after use. As for only cooking and cleaning for herself, if she's working then her mealtimes fit around her hours, it's always been that way.

I find it hard to believe that DD has changed her personality and all her mannerisms in the 8 months it's been since she lived at home. Obviously I will talk to her about it tomorrow because I would hate for my daughter to have been rude and taken someone else's hospitality for granted.

I just want to know if IABU to ignore the message and not get involved? I don't want to cause conflict. I don't feel like I should have received a message from her in the first place, she argued with DD who is an adult, surely it's not my business to get involved in my grown up daughters affairs? I don't believe a lot of what she said in her message either but I suppose I will find out how much of it is true in the weeks to come when they're living with us.

I just don't feel like it's my business to get involved. They're adults and it's between my DD and her boyfriends mum. I've only spoken to her a couple of times over the years. AIBU to ignore it or send something like "I'm sorry, I am not getting involved". Or do you think it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure things get resolved?

I would say, 'do you want me to keep you informed of your sons behaviour' but I can be a bit petty. Definitely reply something but absolutely don't thank her for the message.

There’s a lot of conjecture here given no one knows what actually happened

Why does the boyfriend need to move in with you as well? They’re adults I’m sure they can cope to be apart for what’s left of lockdown.

All sounds very childish

Wait until you've spoken to your daughter and then just politely acknowledge the message. " Hope you are keeping well, thanks for hosting my daughter, I have discussed the points you raised in your message with her"
I'm sure it's been blown out of proportion, these times are a bit unprecedented and living so closely with movement restrictions has tested most households and can easily lead to tempers getting fraught.

@richele4, I’m wondering how DD’s DP’s DM (still following?) got your phone number? I don’t recall ever giving any of my boyfriends’ parents my number, never mind my parents’ number.

There is no answer to that text that doesn’t somehow either take responsibility for your daughter as if she was still a child, or risk offending. I wouldn’t reply to the content but probably just let her know when they arrived safely at your house to vaguely keep the peace rather like you might let a private seller know when you receive an item you bought and they posted to you. Politeness if fine but I wouldn’t build a relationship until your DD’s relationship stays the course.

@Avacadoandtoast has exactly the right tone. Polite and friendly and completely noncommittal.

Every family has its own habits and rituals and a stranger coming in is always awkward. The mum is undoubtedly partly right and partly totally unreasonable. Send the message and then forget all about it.

I wouldn't be saying thanks for letting me know as that immediately tells the mother you believe your daughter has acted like a spoilt brat.

I believe you and think the mother is kicking off, and potentially borderline bullying your daughter.

'Sounds stressful. Take care'

‘Thank you for letting me know’ doesn’t actually mean what it says. It’s a very polite/passive aggressive way of saying ‘your opinion is of no interest to me, but custom and social etiquette require a response from me’.

I absolutely second what @Avacadoandtoast has said - it’s the perfect response.

I don’t think she should have involved you bu sending a message, but everyone’s tempers and emotions are frayed at the moment. If your daughter and her boyfriend end up married or with kids you’ll have to have a relationship of some kind with his mother, so if you can avoid letting this set the tone of that relationships you’ll be much happier in the long term. A non-committal but polite message is the perfect way to acknowledge her without engaging with her, and it de-escalates the situation instead of ramping it up.

You must be pleased to be getting your daughter back for a while!

If you must reply (and I am not if I would) be brief and closed. No "hope you are well" etc.

Just tell her you've received her message, regret that things have broken down and that they are staying with you. End with keep well or something similar.

Don't say anything that warrants a response!

It would be interesting to know if BF’s mum has raised any of these concerns before? Or if it was, more as it sounds, a petty little argument that got out of hand & now she’s looking for reasons to justify her decision for DD not to stay.

8 weeks is a long time to have a house guest. Even the closest of people could start nipping at each other after that I guess. Them spending some time with you will probably be good for everyone.

If your daughter and her boyfriend end up married or with kids you’ll have to have a relationship of some kind with his mother, so if you can avoid letting this set the tone of that relationships you’ll be much happier in the long term.

She ‘set the tone’ by texting in the first place.
I just wouldn’t reply. Your daughter is an adult now. What does the mother expect you to do? Apologise for your DDs behaviour (when you haven’t heard her side of the story?).

If you want to reply, wait a few days until she calms down. And don’t apologise or that really will ‘set the tone’ for the future.

I wouldn't reply until you speak to your daughter in person. I think what the mum has done is awful. The only thing I would disagree with you on is drawing a line that you daughter is an adult. Of course she is legally, but there are transition years where young adults can still benefit from advice and guidance.

Letting your DD come home seems fine under the circumstances, accepting the BF is not fine. He should be staying at his own home.

@Homebird8 I was thinking the same thing. My daughter and her boyfriend are the same ages and have been together even longer, and I don’t even have his number let alone his parents’. I’ve never even met them while DD and her boyfriend have been together, although I vaguely knew of them years ago through my job.

I’ll never understand why some people are so obsessed with other people’s sleeping habits - so what if another adult wants to stay in bed or in their room all day? If I was staying in someone’s house long-term, I would do the same to give both parties privacy and to not be under each other’s feet.

As for the text, I would just reply that she needs to speak to your daughter and her son because it’s not your place to comment.

I don't agree that the OP should tread on eggshells in case she upsets the MIL. MIL is the one who has behaved very badly by sending an angry rant to her son's girlfriend's mother. She should be worried about the future relationship, not the OP.
I'd be so tempted to reply with, 'Thanks for having daughter. Looking forward to having them stay with us and sampling some of your son's delicious cooking and great housekeeping. I'll go through the points in your message with daughter and your son and see if we can get to the bottom of it. Take care'.

I'd reply , they are both adults and this really isn't any of my business. Sounds like she didn't like having extra people in the house and is making excuses to you for making them leave

I wouldn't reply. wtf your daughter and the MIL are adults, its between them. The MIL had no business messaging you.
My parents had zero involvement in my relationships when I was a young adult, I find it really weird.

@OzziePopPop your ex wasn't well. Sounds like he had bipolar. If so it wasn't his fault.

The fact that she said she is “disgusted” makes me think she is just really unreasonable. I wouldn’t reply yet, don’t take the bait. Wait a couple of days and leave it with a thanks for letting me know and fir having her.

Don't reply the woman sounds barking

I would reply with something non commital and maybe thank her for letting your DD stay.

But I don’t think rapidly moving into BF’s/GF’s family home during the pandemic is the best idea, I think far too many people rushed into those sort of decisions without thinking it through just because they didn’t want to be apart. Easy to say that with hindsight of course.

I have a 19 year old DS and no way would I have let his GF come here ... and his GF’s family (whom I know) have exactly the same view. Young people can be very self centred and not notice what needs doing, contributing to the running of the house etc so I wouldn’t assume that either your DD or her BF were ‘perfect’ and tolerance on both sides is needed.

I reckon she's decided your dd is responsible for her son's mess/cooking/cleaning.

I bet she picked up after him and now she expects your dd to do it.

My money is on this.

Id reply with this. Ok take care.
You have then replied and not got into any conversation without speaking or witnessing for yourself how they do infact live.