Angry message from DD's boyfriends mum

[richele4]

Background: DD is 19, boyfriend is 20, been together for almost 3 years. When lockdown was announced DD moved out of uni accommodation and in with her boyfriend and his family (mum, dad, brother).

Tonight DD rings me upset and says that she had an argument with boyfriends mum and was told she wasn't welcome to stay there anymore. She asked if could come and stay with us instead (boyfriend included). Don't bash me for this, I know the rules say you can't switch between households but it's my daughter, of course I said yes. Asked what the argument was about and she said that boyfriends mum shouted at her for not doing enough housework and not contributing enough towards shopping. I've never asked how much DD was contributing towards food or bills because she's an adult with a job and can sort that herself. I know that she was paying weekly towards shopping (and getting them discount because she works at Tesco) and also giving some money for rent and bills, I just don't know how much.

DD and boyfriend due to come to ours from tomorrow which is totally fine.

Anyway, I received a message from boyfriends mum saying how disgusted she was with DD's behaviour while she's been living there. Saying that she was messy, waking up in the afternoon, only cooking and cleaning for herself, eating more food than she was paying for... Essentially, "treating the place like a hotel."

Firstly, DD works evenings into the night, often not arriving home until 3 or 4 in the morning, so if she wakes up in the afternoon then it's because she was up half the night? Secondly, DD has always been the cleanest person I know. Her room or bathroom was never untidy when she lived at home and she hated when dishes weren't cleaned immediately after use. As for only cooking and cleaning for herself, if she's working then her mealtimes fit around her hours, it's always been that way.

I find it hard to believe that DD has changed her personality and all her mannerisms in the 8 months it's been since she lived at home. Obviously I will talk to her about it tomorrow because I would hate for my daughter to have been rude and taken someone else's hospitality for granted.

I just want to know if IABU to ignore the message and not get involved? I don't want to cause conflict. I don't feel like I should have received a message from her in the first place, she argued with DD who is an adult, surely it's not my business to get involved in my grown up daughters affairs? I don't believe a lot of what she said in her message either but I suppose I will find out how much of it is true in the weeks to come when they're living with us.

I just don't feel like it's my business to get involved. They're adults and it's between my DD and her boyfriends mum. I've only spoken to her a couple of times over the years. AIBU to ignore it or send something like "I'm sorry, I am not getting involved". Or do you think it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure things get resolved?

Wait until you have spoken to your daughter. Sounds like she is being unfair if your daughter works shifts, and therefore probably not on everyone else's eating pattern so of course she will get her own food?! However it's a stressful situation plus an extra person in the house so that has probably created tension in itself.

I bet she will miss her shopping discount!

Wait a minute....what if the DD is messy and inconsiderate. What if the op was about a male child coming back home.

I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle. The woman has had two young people in her house for the last 8 weeks, I'll bet she'll be celebrating the minute they leave.

It's a rude message
I would speak to DD and BF and then reply- thanks for the feedback they are both safe and staying with me now

It is always a nightmare, this sort of arrangement is never going to work.
There are so many psychological and practical reasons why your daughter was in a position of MIL in her house. She may well have behaved differently there than in your home, felt an outsider etc. The relationship with a son in law if often easier to navigate ( and less is expected to be honest) Huse sharing is a nightmare, with in laws is pretty much impossible.I have hosted a 16 year old ( yes, I know less mature) and found her so much more difficult than my own 16 year olds

Oh god DON’T do that “did you mean to be so rude?” wankery.

It’s so embarrassing.

I agree with the PPs who think she sees your dd as his maid on account of her having a vagina.

Have no idea why the boyfriend needs to come along. Sounds like everyone could use some space, IMO.

But that’s neither here nor there.

I think silence is best for now. At least until things simmer down a bit!

I wouldn’t reply. If she texts again, I’d just say thanks for hosting DD.

I don’t know why some people are Hurling abuse at this woman for telling the op. You’d think she’d committed some kind of heinous crime the way they are posting.

It’s clearly gone quite far if she’s thrown the ops daughter out. You don’t say nothing then get to this stage, so it’s something that’s been going on for a while.

Fine, the op thinks it’s fuck all to do with her, fair enough. But plenty of people think if you’re living in their house you do your share of the chores, and if money is tight you don’t buy twenty quids worth of food and eat forty. She’s not living at home. I note in the op it was never stated the daughter always did her share of the general house work, or nor did she say if her daughter contributes when home.

It’s likely she simoly treated it like home. Thought someone else would clean the loos and do the hoovering, and did help herself from the fridge and cupboards, and that’s what’s upset the woman, who felt that she should be pulling her weight round the house and fairly contributing..

What you tolerate from your own child is not likely you’ll tolerate from someone else’s.

When my daughter is home I don’t expect her to do general chores or contribute. But if she was in someone else’s home I’d fully expect her to take her turn in cleaning the loo, hoovering or whatever else, and I’d expect her to keep her room tidy and pay for the food she consumes fairly. At least.

Why the op should just escalate by ignoring her I don’t know, but it’s unpleasant, the woman was telling her why it’s come to this and why she’s thrown her daughter out. The least the op can do is acknowledge the text and close it down.

Why the op should just escalate by ignoring her I don’t know, Because the daughter and MIL are both adults. Its between the two of them. Getting involved would be like extending childhood into your early twenties!

I genuinely wouldn't get involved. It's hard all round at the moment, it really is. Sounds unlikely that your dd is to blame but everyone has a different perception of stuff. Sounds like she is best off with you.

I wouldn't ignore the text. How rude! Personally I would call her as I think text conversations like this have the tendency to go wrong whereas a chat can often help. But if you won't call I'd reply something like "thank you for text. Gosh I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I'll speak to DD when she arrives. What you've described is very unlike her and I'm going to try to get to the bottom of such a shift in behaviour. I'll come back to you".

If the BF mum and OP DD had an argument and BF Mum has terminated the arrangement, then so be it. Two adults have 'discussed' the issue.

IMHO the BF Mum should NEVER have involved the OP, least of all slagged the DD off to her too!

Nobody knows what went on, they will both (BF M and DD) have their own views/opinions.

Stop posting scenarios speculating on what happened, as that's all it is, speculation! Now you just need to deal with the consequences.

Hold your head high OP. Do not get into any confrontation with anyone.

It's not easy have somebody stay in the house. Add to that somebody who works shifts and CV lockdown. I'd actually say sorry it didn't work out and thank you for having DD to stay.

I think I’d acknowledge the text and recognise there have obviously been tensions and say they can both come to stay with you.
It’s perfectly legitimate under lock down rules to change residency-and that applies to both your DD and her BF.
See what they say about the experience- I’m guessing some Mums are very jealous of their son’s attention and take a dislike to any GF they have - esp if it’s in their face by sharing the same home! Also - some have higher expectations for female than for their male children - or expect son’s girlfriend to do ‘their’ job of picking up after them etc.
Soo - the absolute best response is not to add fuel to the fire and instead create a warm living home for them both. Good luck OP.

I would ignore it, they're all adults. I don't know why she's trying to get you involved.

@Bluntness100 - at what point do you stop being so involved in another adult's life? When they're 21? 25? 30?

I like the, Sorry it didn't work out and thanks for letting her stay.

Does not commit you to taking sides.

Think I would reply with something along the lines of in hindsight maybe it was not a good idea her staying with you due to her unsociable working pattern & sleeping hours.

If someone sent me a ranty message about my adult child after an argument, yes I’d ignore it. Why on earth would I get into a text tit for tat with an adult about another adult?!

And what exactly would be the point in replying until knowing all sides of the coin?

Worse still, thanking her?!

“Thank you for taking the time to tell me her many and varied faults having already screamed them at her”?

“Thank you for allowing her to pay you for food and rent”?

“Thank you for being so generous as to allow her to get you a discount on your groceries”?

Nah. I don’t think so.

Anyone who has worked nights will understand that it's almost like living in an alternative universe, and think that MIL's view didn't seem to recognise this, so the comment that she doesn't get up in the afternoon as she has been sleeping, would make me take the rest of the message with a rather large grain of salt.

The fact that the boyfriend is coming with her means that it has been a fairly major disagreement, rather than him staying with his mum, so he disagrees with his mum and is backing your DD. This is huge, and don't underestimate how difficult this for him too.

Several of my friends have had DCs returning as a result of living with girlfriend/boyfriends family, but usually just the off spring returning...

Rather than labelling her batshit crazy, it could simply be that no one was expecting the lockdown to last this long, and she was finding it difficult having another adult in the house.

I would just ignore it. They are leaving her house so it's no longer any of her business.

I would just reply something along the lines 'thanks for letting me know/thanks for letting her stay.'

don't take sides. you really don't know what happened. See how it goes with having them both over and take things from there. Your DD may not be the angel you thought she is...

@richele4
Stte.
I think that having an enforced house guest, which is what she was in essence, in the lockdown is bloody hard going for anyone.

I'm sure that there are truths in both yours and the other mother's opinions.

I disagree that she should only be washing up after herself and certainly I think as a house guest preparing a meal and perhaps her eating before them wouldn't have been unreasonable and actually just courteous.

You may have let her be in your home as a hotel, which is what you sugessted, but if in someone else's home as a guest then you have to behave appropriately.

As for the text. Personally, I would enter into the discussion beyond the issue is now resolved with her moving to yours.

FWIW you sound like a very balanced person OP and a good mum, you've managed to find a great balance between being there for your daughter and letting her be her own adult. You've even acknowledged that she could have been messy and you'll wait to see how she is when she comes back!

Based on all of that I would go with your gut, it probably hasn't been wrong so far. Ignore it or send a message to say you're not getting involved, personally I'd rather ignore it.

It was rude for her to send the message, not for you to ignore it.

Not replying is best. She's expecting a reply. She wrote it to "reason" why she's told her to leave. No contact is best, as you say they are adults and you shouldn't involve yourself. Hope things are better for them now

I'd prob reply. "Oh dear. Well, it would appear to be my turn to host so thanks for letting me know"

It doesnt say she's lying and it doesn't say your DD is in the wrong, but it keeps comms between you open. Your DD may well have left dirty dishes etc