Angry message from DD's boyfriends mum

[richele4]

Background: DD is 19, boyfriend is 20, been together for almost 3 years. When lockdown was announced DD moved out of uni accommodation and in with her boyfriend and his family (mum, dad, brother).

Tonight DD rings me upset and says that she had an argument with boyfriends mum and was told she wasn't welcome to stay there anymore. She asked if could come and stay with us instead (boyfriend included). Don't bash me for this, I know the rules say you can't switch between households but it's my daughter, of course I said yes. Asked what the argument was about and she said that boyfriends mum shouted at her for not doing enough housework and not contributing enough towards shopping. I've never asked how much DD was contributing towards food or bills because she's an adult with a job and can sort that herself. I know that she was paying weekly towards shopping (and getting them discount because she works at Tesco) and also giving some money for rent and bills, I just don't know how much.

DD and boyfriend due to come to ours from tomorrow which is totally fine.

Anyway, I received a message from boyfriends mum saying how disgusted she was with DD's behaviour while she's been living there. Saying that she was messy, waking up in the afternoon, only cooking and cleaning for herself, eating more food than she was paying for... Essentially, "treating the place like a hotel."

Firstly, DD works evenings into the night, often not arriving home until 3 or 4 in the morning, so if she wakes up in the afternoon then it's because she was up half the night? Secondly, DD has always been the cleanest person I know. Her room or bathroom was never untidy when she lived at home and she hated when dishes weren't cleaned immediately after use. As for only cooking and cleaning for herself, if she's working then her mealtimes fit around her hours, it's always been that way.

I find it hard to believe that DD has changed her personality and all her mannerisms in the 8 months it's been since she lived at home. Obviously I will talk to her about it tomorrow because I would hate for my daughter to have been rude and taken someone else's hospitality for granted.

I just want to know if IABU to ignore the message and not get involved? I don't want to cause conflict. I don't feel like I should have received a message from her in the first place, she argued with DD who is an adult, surely it's not my business to get involved in my grown up daughters affairs? I don't believe a lot of what she said in her message either but I suppose I will find out how much of it is true in the weeks to come when they're living with us.

I just don't feel like it's my business to get involved. They're adults and it's between my DD and her boyfriends mum. I've only spoken to her a couple of times over the years. AIBU to ignore it or send something like "I'm sorry, I am not getting involved". Or do you think it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure things get resolved?

I’d speak to dd first and find out her side, contributions to the household etc.
I would then ring, rather than message, bf’s mum. Explaining that you had spoken to your dd and also ask why she chose to involve you in the situation.
I hate getting messages, I prefer to talk and get it all out in the open, obviously armed with your dd’s ‘side’.
I would see how the conversation went and request that I do not want to receive tittle tattling messages regarding your dd. They are all adults and should be able to sort it between them instead of resorting to playground snitching

I’d just say ‘thanks for letting me know’

People have different standards and it sounds as if your dd's were incompatible with her's.

It all sounds too worrying to ignore, I would be mortified if someone said that about my DD!

Before you have them stay you need to establish ground rules, what is the bf planning to contribute? How are his domestic skills? Does he clean up after himself? Is he working shift hours too?

I would try to get to the bottom of it by sharing her message with both your dd and her bf first and a neutral response ' so sorry to hear that, I will talk to both ,thank you for letting me know' is what I would reply for sure, why would you not respond to someone who is clearly very upset after trying to be kind, no matter what the outcome?

As far as the food intake is concerned, is your dd overweight? Does she snack a lot/ have huge portions?

Households often have very different uptakes of food and eating/ cleaning habits; for example, a 'slim' household where people base their mealtimes around a vegetarian diet would be alarmed at the eating habits of someone who is constantly grazing from the fridge and eating junk food and takeaways, and leaving piles of rubbish but not emptying the bins or recycling..neither is wrong and tbh your dd can be any weight she likes! All I am saying is vastly different habits can be irritating even if they are not wrong, just different.

I think "thank you for message " or " thank you for letting me know" is the right way to go re response to her message. At the moment whatever else could you say ?

Hope you and DD are well

Don’t get drawn into it. You have no idea what happened. To give you an example-

My sil was and still is amazing with her mum - would wake up at 6am to do the housework before work, tidy, then come home and socialise/do the washing up / cleaning for her.

My mum, however, got someone who came out of her room 10mins before work, who refused to even pick up milk on her way home (she only worked 10mins away while my brother worked 2hrs away), and came home just in time for dinner which she ate upstairs. My brother would often eat dinner upstairs late in the evening and Mum would wake up to both of their dirty dishes in the sink. Neither of them were ever charged rent or board like I was. Another sibling who lived at home thought she and my brother were rude too and tried to get mum to say something but she wouldn’t. So between them mum, dad and my sibling did everything including holding down full time jobs. When bro and sil left mum was relieved.

Yeah, I'd either go with ignoring it completely or a very short shut-down message like "thanks for the message" or even just "ok".

Don't be tempted to get pulled further in at all.

I'd wait to see what your DD and her boyfriend say when they get to you, but I don't think I'd show her the text, as it will just exacerbate the situation and the developing rift between them.

I reckon she's decided your dd is responsible for her son's mess/cooking/cleaning.

I bet she picked up after him and now she expects your dd to do it.

Sounds like BF Mum isn't keen on your DD. I would NEVER involve my DC other halves parents, if I did, it would be something pretty damning that they'd done.

The ages of the 'adult' DC are bound to bring some questionable behaviour, and they can also be a PITA, however, I don't feel the BF Mum involving you is justified, she should've set boundaries initially, and a temporary situation also.

If the shoe was on the other foot OP how would you have dealt with it? Would you have contacted BF Mum or kept it in house?

I'd respond with "she's coming back home now" just out of courtesy.

To be honest id be bloody fuming if someone spoke about my DC like that, and believe me I'm not precious

To the above message about ignoring the message 'would be rude', are you deluded the mum doesn't owe her anything and should always side with the daughter until she's seen the full picture, who knows if they will quote 'last', just ignore it for now or just put something like 'OK well they will be home tomorrow.' nothing too sidey and. Then figure it out for yourself.

I agree with the non-committal language. I can’t believe she’s been so rude as to message you though! DH and I lived with my parents for 6 months in our early 20s when in the process of buying a flat and my parents made it damn clear that as always, if he was my guest in the house he was my responsibility and they’d hold me accountable for any issues (thankfully they didn’t have to but unlike your daughter’s ‘MIL’ they weren’t looking for a fight). Frankly I think the person with the poorest manners in this is BF’s mum.

My DD is also currently living with her boyfriend and his family. I am really grateful for the support that his parents have given her as they are at the other end of the country so we can't provide any practical support at the moment. I'm much happier that she is in a family environment rather than stuck all alone in a flat for months and I would be upset if I thought she wasn't pulling her weight in the house. But I wouldn't expect to be called upon to sort out any problems any more than I would be contacting his parents if the roles were reversed. They are young adults in a serious relationship, not lovesick school children, and they should be able to resolve any problems themselves. I imagine your DD and her boyfriend are similar. I would try to keep out of things as much as possible.
However, we are living in strange times and lots of people are getting very stressed. It maybe that his Mum wouldn't normally be as sensitive or contact you over something like this, and it is possible that your DD isn't quite herself at the moment either. I can imagine that having one of your children's partner move in could be stressful at the best of times. Adjusting to the idea of your child as an adult in a romantic relationship can be quite hard and figuring out how the relationship with their partner works can be tricky, never mind with them suddenly living under your roof in these circumstances. It is natural to want to protect your DD from criticism but I would avoid getting drawn into any battles with this woman, and definitely don't try to give any clever retorts or passive aggressive comments as you don't know how long you and your DD might have a relationship with her. And she may have a point - you simply don't know the full story yet.
I wouldn't ignore her either though. I would be non committal and thank her for what she has done for your DD. I would probably say something like, "Thanks for having X to stay with you, our family really appreciates the help you've given her and Y during this stressful time.I am sorry to hear things haven't been going smoothly recently. I am looking forwards to having them both with us for a while now. Hopefully it wont be too long before everything gets back to normal again. Best wishes to you all". Be polite, acknowledge there's been a problem but avoid getting into blame games. Hopefully it will all blow over soon!

Again as a young person who previously lived with her partners family at that age DO NOT write that, you have no affiliations to them currently and for your daughters sake you need to support her during this time (punish late if need be) you don't know if the mother is btsht crazy like my mil x

I had a similar issue but I was staying with a family friend. I didn’t work at the time, I was unwell and sofa surfing as I had nowhere to go. Decorated the woman’s house for her, looked after her younger kids, paid her £50 a week from the small allowance I had. Still slept on her sofa and bought my own food. Was told I was disrespecting her house But can’t see what I was doing wrong. I’d say your daughter is doing the right thing for coming home maybe she should’ve got out sooner to a room share with her partner. I’d tell this woman that you did not raise her to be this way and to not be so disrespectful. Hope your daughter is ok.

Don't reply. Nobody is to blame. The offer to let your DD stay may have been one she felt pressurized into by her DS. She might not have chosen it at all and felt under great stress having her routine disrupted. She shouldn't have sent the text but it's hard to act rationally atm.

You'll soon find out what the reality was. FWIW I don't think you should be having the boyfriend to stay either.

I agree with @queenOfPain.
Also, MIL sounds very controlling and this defiance over having somewhere else to stay, someone who values DD probably won't be sitting well.
Don't acknowledge the text.
When DD gets home, speak to both she and bf and ask them to inform MIL that your phone is not their for her to suck you into the latest squabble/drama and that if she has an issue - she will need to take it up with bf and DD.

Is your dd more middle class than her boyfriend and family?

I think the key thing is that your daughter living with her boyfriend’s parents hasn’t worked out, for whatever reason. Maybe the mother is being unreasonable, maybe her frustrations are justified in some way.-but it’s her home, and it sounds right that your daughter doesn’t live there anymore. A conversation with your DD might give you more insight. I think it’s up to you what you do about the text, based on how ‘responsible’ you feel for an adult’s actions (trying to use your words here, not making an implicit judgement) but I’d keep it neutral and polite. I’d also set a few ground rules and expectations for the bf moving into your house, to try to avoid future conflict.

The MIL is fed up of having two other adults in the house, one keeping unsocial hours.
I would just say thanks for having her all this time. Sorry if things got strained - or something.
I would not blow it up into a big issue. I suspect DBF is largely the problem, was he sitting around all day waiting for DD to get up, not doing housework, not cooking?

Don't reply.

If you have to reply leave it Til you have the full picture and have spoken with DD and then reply 'Hi X. I hope you're all well....thanks for letting me know your thoughts, best wishes, Richele

Don't thank her for letting you know. That's mad. It comes across as encouraging this nonsense & accepting she's right about your DD.

Either ignore it or reply 'DD works nights, obviously she sleeps until the afternoon & needs to eat at a different time to you. I'm sorry that has annoyed you'.

Hope it all works out with them at yours!

I agree that there's a reasonable chance that she just got fed up of having your DD around and engineered the "fight" to get her out.

I met my DH when his aunt, with whom he was staying for several months while working in the UK, accused him of stealing her carkeys. No such thing - she'd just put them down somewhere unusual but she created a total scene, to the point where he felt he had to move out - and I was advertising for a lodger so he moved into my house. It's likely she was just sick of him being there.

I reckon she's decided your dd is responsible for her son's mess/cooking/cleaning.

This, with bells and whistles on. We lived briefly with my in laws and MIL clearly thought it was only my job to clean the bathroom my OH and I shared.

This is such an unormal time and living for several weeks with others in close proximity is really difficult. It’s great that Dd and b/f have somewhere to go where there safe. It gives b/f family time and space which is needed.

They’ll be families that are pulling the hair out with each other but can’t escape

I’d send a text along the lines of

It’s such difficult times and not easy all living together, it’s lucky we can share the lockdown and you’ll get some space and peace now - stay safe take care

Shame the mum doesn’t think about the key worker doing shifts she’s slaying, but there you go

“Thanks for getting touch. Sorry things have broken down between you and dd but as she’s an adult I’d rather not get involved.”

My niece was wanting to stay with her boyfriend in similar circumstances and it just felt like such a bad idea but she wont listen to anyone about it. I'm so glad your DD has somewhere to come home to.

I stayed with my in laws for 9 months, my DH was sent abroad with work and I was a student nurse so working shifts and they would sort our son for nursery and pick him up for me. It worked for us as I was out most of the time and there really want any other option but even then it wasn't an easy living arrangement. I've been in the family over a decade but it's not until you live with someone that you see the potential issues. Different levels of tidyiness was a big one, I had to contain my disorganization as much as possible. She would wake me up from night shift to ask the most stupid questions even though I'm the lightest sleeper in the world.

Even in a big house with them working 40 office hours pw and me working 40 shift hours and my MIL being out the whole time socialising and FIL out in his man cave it still at times got a little claustrophobic and I've always been close to them. Cannot imagine what it would be like during lockdown.