Angry message from DD's boyfriends mum

[richele4]

Background: DD is 19, boyfriend is 20, been together for almost 3 years. When lockdown was announced DD moved out of uni accommodation and in with her boyfriend and his family (mum, dad, brother).

Tonight DD rings me upset and says that she had an argument with boyfriends mum and was told she wasn't welcome to stay there anymore. She asked if could come and stay with us instead (boyfriend included). Don't bash me for this, I know the rules say you can't switch between households but it's my daughter, of course I said yes. Asked what the argument was about and she said that boyfriends mum shouted at her for not doing enough housework and not contributing enough towards shopping. I've never asked how much DD was contributing towards food or bills because she's an adult with a job and can sort that herself. I know that she was paying weekly towards shopping (and getting them discount because she works at Tesco) and also giving some money for rent and bills, I just don't know how much.

DD and boyfriend due to come to ours from tomorrow which is totally fine.

Anyway, I received a message from boyfriends mum saying how disgusted she was with DD's behaviour while she's been living there. Saying that she was messy, waking up in the afternoon, only cooking and cleaning for herself, eating more food than she was paying for... Essentially, "treating the place like a hotel."

Firstly, DD works evenings into the night, often not arriving home until 3 or 4 in the morning, so if she wakes up in the afternoon then it's because she was up half the night? Secondly, DD has always been the cleanest person I know. Her room or bathroom was never untidy when she lived at home and she hated when dishes weren't cleaned immediately after use. As for only cooking and cleaning for herself, if she's working then her mealtimes fit around her hours, it's always been that way.

I find it hard to believe that DD has changed her personality and all her mannerisms in the 8 months it's been since she lived at home. Obviously I will talk to her about it tomorrow because I would hate for my daughter to have been rude and taken someone else's hospitality for granted.

I just want to know if IABU to ignore the message and not get involved? I don't want to cause conflict. I don't feel like I should have received a message from her in the first place, she argued with DD who is an adult, surely it's not my business to get involved in my grown up daughters affairs? I don't believe a lot of what she said in her message either but I suppose I will find out how much of it is true in the weeks to come when they're living with us.

I just don't feel like it's my business to get involved. They're adults and it's between my DD and her boyfriends mum. I've only spoken to her a couple of times over the years. AIBU to ignore it or send something like "I'm sorry, I am not getting involved". Or do you think it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure things get resolved?

@rosiepony - thanks for the clarification!

I suspect most of the problem boils down to the fact that you have to be very compatible to share together for weeks at a time. I have great friends I couldn't share with because our standards of hygiene and tidiness are very different.

One person's slovenliness mess is another person's plate in the sink that they'll wash up in a minute. After weeks of that during lockdown people will fall out, even if they actually like each other.

@SiaPR I have two of these overgrown babies! No need to feel sorry for them! One is on a graduate police programme and the other is studying medicine. They're doing OK considering I've over parented them.

I make no judgement about your lax and shit parenting btw

I would see what your daughter has to say first to be honest. It's never good to respond to something like that without hearing her side. Maybe she has been or maybe she's followed her boyfriends lead as his 'normal' at his home and maybe the mum blames her even tho it's came from him. Also if the mum is a proper clean freak maybe just a normal level of cleanliness isn't good enough for her in her home. I wouldn't like to have another adult living in my house in lockdown. I would consider just taking your daughter and not the boyfriend.

On another note in normal times I once had a friend stay with me for a few days. Her own home was clean and tidy usually but when she stayed with me she was so so messy. I may have flipped if it was 7 weeks without being able to leave the house haha

I have two of these overgrown babies! No need to feel sorry for them! One is on a graduate police programme and the other is studying medicine. They're doing OK considering I've over parented them.

The fact they are doing okay doesn't mean that you understand what is and isn't appropriate with adult children. I would hope you aren't one of those parents who contact universities about your children.

@mrpumblechook yes of course I do! I call without fail every weekday at 9am and twice on a Saturday. Err doesn't everyone?

Christ some people are just thick as house bricks.

You must be so proud @KipperBang, living vicariously through your children like that, who cares what they do now? Do they live independently? Or still at home? I make no judgement about your lax and shit parenting btw, oh go ahead, do you want me to tell you what my kids achieved despite my neglect? (Don’t Want to make you jealous though...Graduate police programme? Oh my)

@mrpumblechook yes of course I do! I call without fail every weekday at 9am and twice on a Saturday. Err doesn't everyone?

I didn't ask if you called every weekday at 9 AM and twice on Saturday. I asked if you called at all. Some parents do and you sound like you could be one of them.

*hmmconfusedconfusedChrist some people are just thick as house bricks.(

Yes some people are.

@SiaPR live independently?!! God of course not. I'll consider it when they're 38 and not a single moment beforehand! They'll need to seek permission beforehand , and, if I'm not too busy meddling in their lives, maybe I'll say yes

Get over yourself you tool. You don't need to try and get my attention any further. I appreciate being pulled up on your shit parenting must have hit a nerve with you.

@KipperBang it's a bit of a joke that you think it appropriate to interfere with how your adult children interact with other people when you can't manage to debate yourself without calling people names. You're hardly a good model.

No, you’re ok @KipperBang I am confident in my parenting. So much so I don’t have to announce how successful (police programme 😂) my kids are. Do you have a little life of your own?

Out of the three people arguing, only one looks like a twat.......

Legally over 18s may be ‘adults’ but most adults have their own home and don’t run between parents’ homes just to suit themselves as they can’t bear to be apart during lockdown’. .

I know on Mumsnet everyone over 18 is an ‘adult’ but as parents we are expected to fund our children through Uni etc etc so in that respect Uni students aren’t ‘independent adults’.

And would all of you accusing the MIL of being a bitch really be happy at sharing your home and kitchen with someone else, even if the DD is cooking her own meals it will still be an inconvenience to the MIL. I think this is an incredibly stressful situation for everyone in lockdown and having an extra person, whom you probably don’t know that well is challenging at the best of times but for all we know the MIL might have lost her job, be worried about money etc etc.

I am finding it stressful just having my own Uni student DS home again ... DH is WFH, I am furloughed and it is not easy being together all the time. I get that the DD is out at work but her shift work does mean added pressure, assuming they don’t live in a mansion they have probably been trying to be quiet in the day to avoid waking her ... it’s tough for everyone & I sympathise with the MIL. She shouldn’t have sent the text, she should have had a frank chat with the DD... but she probably reached the end of her tether.

Everyone in lockdown has just completely lost the plot, haven't they?

Agree with wagwort

Thanks for all the replies. Seems pretty split between 'ignore the message' and 'send a short reply'

I ended up sending this: "Thanks for having DD. Sorry it didn't work out. They arrived here this morning, hope you're all well."

As for pp's questions:

• DD and bf lived together 4 days a week before lockdown so it's not surprising they would have found it hard to be apart
• No I won't be charging DD or bf any sort of rent, this is a good opportunity for them to be able to save. Maybe I would feel differently if money was tighter
• As mentioned, DD is working out of the house most days, so is boyfriend (police) so he works some nights too, you would have thought she'd understand why they were sleeping until the afternoon
• Nobody in our household or theirs is in the at risk categories
• Some people don't agree with DD and bf wanting to lockdown together, that's fine, but I don't have an issue with it. As PP mentioned, would have been better for their mental health to be together rather than apart
• Despite me saying that "DD is an adult" repeatedly, I have not ditched her as some seem to suggest, this is not a debate about parenting styles :)
• I have bf's mums phone number for various things over the years, they got together at 16 and 17 so there's been things to discuss here and there

Thanks everyone for the replies x

And would all of you accusing the MIL of being a bitch really be happy at sharing your home and kitchen with someone else, even if the DD is cooking her own meals it will still be an inconvenience to the MIL.

I am in the same situation.

So have you had a conversation with your DD about the text OP? And set ground rules for when she and her BF come back?

(Really want to know if she was messy and left the lids off stuff.)

And would all of you accusing the MIL of being a bitch really be happy at sharing your home and kitchen with someone else, even if the DD is cooking her own meals it will still be an inconvenience to the MIL.

I am. I love living alone, but I took in a young friend in an emergency on the first day of lockdown. I didn't expect it to go on for this long, but I'm very happy for him still to be here. I like living alone, and it's taken a little bit of adjustment, but with a bit of consideration on both sides, it's working out okay. If you can't help people out at a time like this (assuming you have the space) then you need to take a look at yourself.

Yes I showed DD the text and reply. She and bf said they were cooking and cleaning for themselves and had different mealtimes because of work. Don't think I'll ever know what the situation was when they were living there as both sides have said different things.

I've said I'm okay with them coming and going and eating as they please because I know those working hours are awkward, as long as they clean up after themselves.

Neither of them work on Saturdays so they asked if they could cook for the whole family on Saturday nights (6 including bf) We'll see how long that lasts!

As I said before I'm not going to accept any money towards food or bills so they're able to save. They're both going to give me items that they want in the shopping and now I get to use DD's discount

Hope you enjoy having them richele4.

With regards to them saving, have you told them that is what you want them to do?

My plan with my boy (he is still very young at the moment) is to get him to pay a small amount so he gets use to money coming out and then giving it all back to him when he looked at a house eventually. I never paid to live at home and saved but I did pay for things when my mum needed things and still do now lol. she kept me for so many years and I appreciate it.

If you have an issue with what you have offered then you shouldn't have done it in the first place. Stop pissing and moaning about something you've agreed to do, and get on with it! That's the MIL I'm talking about.

If you're going to take in two 'adults' that were previously sharing at uni, then you should have some idea what was in store..jeez, I can't believe some of the comments on here

It was never going to be forever was it???!!!

OP be impartial and don't get involved in your children's (however old they may be) squabbles, unless it is a very serious issue.

Will this matter in a year??? NO I don't bloody think so!

It's a very stressful time and having another adult in your house at such a difficult time isn't for everyone.Just acknowledge that you got her message, they're safe etc and leave it at that.

My Mum charged me rent of £50 a week once I’d left school and got a job. But she actually saved it for me without me knowing. So when I bought my first house she gave me just under £8000 of my own money. I didn’t know she was doing this but think it’s a really good idea for those parents who don’t want to charge rent.