Angry message from DD's boyfriends mum

[richele4]

Background: DD is 19, boyfriend is 20, been together for almost 3 years. When lockdown was announced DD moved out of uni accommodation and in with her boyfriend and his family (mum, dad, brother).

Tonight DD rings me upset and says that she had an argument with boyfriends mum and was told she wasn't welcome to stay there anymore. She asked if could come and stay with us instead (boyfriend included). Don't bash me for this, I know the rules say you can't switch between households but it's my daughter, of course I said yes. Asked what the argument was about and she said that boyfriends mum shouted at her for not doing enough housework and not contributing enough towards shopping. I've never asked how much DD was contributing towards food or bills because she's an adult with a job and can sort that herself. I know that she was paying weekly towards shopping (and getting them discount because she works at Tesco) and also giving some money for rent and bills, I just don't know how much.

DD and boyfriend due to come to ours from tomorrow which is totally fine.

Anyway, I received a message from boyfriends mum saying how disgusted she was with DD's behaviour while she's been living there. Saying that she was messy, waking up in the afternoon, only cooking and cleaning for herself, eating more food than she was paying for... Essentially, "treating the place like a hotel."

Firstly, DD works evenings into the night, often not arriving home until 3 or 4 in the morning, so if she wakes up in the afternoon then it's because she was up half the night? Secondly, DD has always been the cleanest person I know. Her room or bathroom was never untidy when she lived at home and she hated when dishes weren't cleaned immediately after use. As for only cooking and cleaning for herself, if she's working then her mealtimes fit around her hours, it's always been that way.

I find it hard to believe that DD has changed her personality and all her mannerisms in the 8 months it's been since she lived at home. Obviously I will talk to her about it tomorrow because I would hate for my daughter to have been rude and taken someone else's hospitality for granted.

I just want to know if IABU to ignore the message and not get involved? I don't want to cause conflict. I don't feel like I should have received a message from her in the first place, she argued with DD who is an adult, surely it's not my business to get involved in my grown up daughters affairs? I don't believe a lot of what she said in her message either but I suppose I will find out how much of it is true in the weeks to come when they're living with us.

I just don't feel like it's my business to get involved. They're adults and it's between my DD and her boyfriends mum. I've only spoken to her a couple of times over the years. AIBU to ignore it or send something like "I'm sorry, I am not getting involved". Or do you think it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure things get resolved?

I'd reply with "what is the reason you're telling me this"?

I've been with my DH for nearly 20 years. My parents have never had DH's parents contact details or address even.

I find that really sad. They're connected via their children, but don't even send each other a Christmas card? My parents and in-laws didn't live near each other, but always invited each other to family events, as we invited them both to any celebrations we had at our home.
I probably only see my daughters' partners' parents two or three times a year but we're friendly, feel a connection and have each other's details for birthday cards etc.

Of course I wouldn't dream of contacting them to moan about their offspring!

JingsMahBucket neither has mine.
My mum has never met the outlaws. She is in a different country and we live 3hrs away from inlaws. We have never had any reason for the families to get together, no christenings, weddings etc... The outlaws do spend time with there other DS wifes family and have been to her sisters weddings, however that is because my SIL family live close by and are always there when they visit. Doesnt stop the outlaws bitching about them, so I am quite pleased to keep my mum out of that

Our respective parents don't live near each other, I'm fairly estranged from my Dad (my Mum died a few years ago). DH's parents don't live local to us. My Dad lives a long way away.
No hostility, but their lives just don't overlap. My Mum and PIL would exchange Christmas cards but that's all.

it's totally unreasonable of her to message you.

I agree she probably expects DD to clean up after her son.

I'd reply with some 'thanks for letting me know', just to keep the peace, but avoid engaging with her beyond this. Otherwise you'll be the uppity MiL who never replied to her.

I'd be curious as to why she cracked now.
They were with her for quite some time.

Was it the 30 minute showers?
It does my head in, here in this house.....billowing steam from the bathrooms....and electricity bills which reflect same.

I definitely wouldn't escalate it. Something like,"thanks for having them, they are here now👍".....

"Thank you for your message. However your dispute is with my daughter and you are both adult people so I will leave this with you."

Ive often found that things go quiet after a non committal response like this.

No I wouldn't escalate it either and would give it some credence. There's 2 sides to the story.

The reality is that you will put up with a lot from your own children that you won't countenance when they're not.

It seems that boundaries have been overstepped and she's had enough.

I wouldn't have used her particular choice of words but that's not the issue.

Reminds me when I was a similar age and my ex boyfriend's mum would ring my mum all the bloody time, every time I did something she didn't like. For example, going out to pubs. Or "making a scene" when he attacked me by screaming for help.

Ugh. I hated that woman.

I'm surprised people are suggesting the OP call her. There's no way on earth I would call this woman so she could slag my daughter off further to me. How embarrassing for dd as well, her Mum and BF Mum having convos about her! Very disloyal. I'd go with "ok, they're on their way here now I believe, take care". and that's it. I think a stable, sensible person wouldn't be ranting to someone's mother like this and to me it sounds like she feels guilty for a massive overreaction and is trying to get OP "on side" and justify her behaviour. Her own DS has chosen to leave too, which says a lot I think.

Ignore

No one I ever had a relationship with had my parents phone number once I wasn't living at home (in the days of landline only). I've been married 23 years and the PIL met my parents twice. They exchanged christmas cards but didn't have each others phone numbers. Same for my brothers PIL I believe.

Back to OP, it could be different expectations of male/female. When I got together with DH it was apparent that the DILs were expected to go in the kitchen and help wheras the sons got to sit around and chat and contribute nothing to family gatherings. Following DHs lead meant I could well have been perceived as unhelpful etc

But then some of us interpret parenting differently ... I don't wash my hands of my kids aged 19. OP, you clearly do.

I don't keep out of everything and I certainly offer advice and guidance but speaking to third parties about adult dcs without their permission is definitely not something I think is appropriate.

I’d reply - to bed after work at 4am = getting up at 1pm I’m afraid. Nature of the job.
And ignore the rest.

This woman is just waiting for a reply from you so she can continue an argument.
Be the better person and ignore her.

Also staying with anyone for seven to eight weeks is a big enough challenge , I would have thought, but particularly for unversity students used to living their own lives.

I am sure we can all remember fall-outs with our own parents as our own newly independent student ways clashed with their own, and that was without the added stress of lockdown, or staying with a partner's parents.

So she's doing her own cooking - not expecting to be fed. And doing her own cleaning - not expecting to be cleaned up after. She eats on her own schedule based around her working pattern. I'm not seeing what the problem is with that. What exactly is the BF's mother expecting you to do with her complaint?

I wouldn’t reply at all. What would be the point? Your DD is coming to you anyway, and any response from you just engages with the boyfriend’s mum’s unreasonable approach. Even if your daughter had been a terrible house guest, what does the mum expect you to do - put her in time out for 20 minutes? But I suspect it’s as PP said: the boyfriend’s mum thought your DD was responsible for her son’s untidiness.

@Bluntness100 and @JingsMahBucket

Thank goodness! The voices of Wisdom at last. I can’t believe some of the responses on here.

I would ignore the text and concentrate on making your DD and her BF are okay.

Well, we don't really know the whole story do we? If your DD has only ever lived at her/your home and in student digs then maybe she hasn't been an angel domestically. Is she going to admit to that if it's true? We also don't know what the BF is like and what the household rules are with his family. Aside from all that, lockdown has been a strain for many and tempers fray. The 'MIL' probably shouldn't have involved you and maybe is just trying to justify her position and looking for your understanding. She probably feels a bit guilty about kicking your DD out but will be relieved to have her house back.

I think you should acknowledge her message but not get into it with her but you do need a frank conversation with your DD and possibly BF then be clear about your expectations for your home. If you live in a relaxed 'do what you like' home then you won't relate to someone who lives in a home where things have to be a certain way. I expect a number of minor issues accumulated over time and 'MIL' snapped.

I wouldn't respond at all. Your daughter is an adult, as you say. Sounds like the boyfriend's mum has picked a fight with her and is now spoiling for a fight with you.

There was no point in her messaging you seen as she's an adult and it's between them other than to get it off her chest. Sounds like some mixture of lockdown, anxiety over covid, living with someone new and the different dynamic as not her child has all been too much and she's really stressed. I would just ignore it. Feelings are running high in general at the moment and I imagine a lot of people are saying things they don't really mean.

Some people think they can get what they want by involving the parents of adults no matter how old the adult is!

Not similar really but I had a batshit crazy experience once when my then BF's landlord called my parent's house to complain and demand money from me! I never lived with BF, I only visited him a weekend or two a month for a few months. We had just graduated, I'd moved back home to start applying for graduate programs and to consider a post-uni gap year. BF was hired by a city firm so he rented a basement flat in central London. The flat was owned by a very posh retired couple who lived in the three story townhouse above. Everything was fine at first, great location BF liked it a lot, except that the LLs were really nosey and knocked on his door many times a week. They were constantly asking to come in and check things and when I first visited, they invited forced themselves in to meet me (!?) I think I only stayed there five or six times in five months. After a while my BF was fed up with it and accepted an offer to flateshare with a mate. He informed them he would be terminating his lease early and was prepared to pay all the extra charges and so forth, they were not happy to say the least. I went down to help him pack up and move and they just stared at us out their window the whole time. When we knocked on their door to hand back the keys they didn't say a word and slammed the door shut, we had been only pleasant throughout.

A few weeks later my parents get a phone call from them. They apparently wanted more money (BF had paid everything owed as stated in his lease and didn't bother fighting them when they kept the full deposit which I thought was outrageous but he wanted done with it). My parents were baffled and how the hell did they get our home number? Obviously they looked it up in the phone book but still! I was almost afraid they'd added me to the lease without me knowing or something crazy like that. My parents told them firmly never to call again and they never did.

Some people are entitled and think they can bother anyone they want to to get what they want.

I feel sorry for your big overgrown baby KipperBang. Allowing and encouraging your adult child to be independent and autonomous is the best kind of parenting. I deal with parents like you every day (higher education) and your child is in for a rough ride with your ridiculous attitude.