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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help - angry husband

61 replies

Maxigg · 15/05/2020 18:45

Maxigg

When my DS was born, I can’t seem to move on.

After a traumatic experience, and my baby being transferred into incubator, I was sat in the room and my husband literally spent the whole time playing in his phone. I asked him to give me some attention, and to cut a long story short he hits stormed out of the room and didn’t come back all day. He left me in one of his usual anger outburst on the day our son was born and to be honest, several years on and I can’t seem to move on. EVery time I think about it I just cry uncontrollably. He thinks i started an argument, I don’t think I did. I had extreme high blood pressure (which was why I had c section), and I don’t recall fighting. Albeit he said I deserved it. I just can’t understand what man would do this to his wife

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 15/05/2020 19:12

He did it because he's a bloody twat

zscaler · 15/05/2020 19:12

He sounds pretty awful - I can’t imagine how a man could feel ok leaving his wife under those circumstances.

It sounds like he behaves this way often, which must be really hard to live with. Do you feel like he is a good and supportive husband, or do you feel like you would be happier without him?

recycledteenager24 · 15/05/2020 19:32

my first ltb, you really don't need this twat in your life nor does our child.

KellyHall · 15/05/2020 19:35

I wouldn't be able to get past it either. Whatever you had or hadn't said, look at what you'd just been through. If he really gave a shit, he'd have been right in it with you. Was he overwhelmed and blocking it out? What's he like apart from that incident?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 15/05/2020 19:36

Leaving you after you had just been through childbirth is inexcusable, that's why you cant get past it. Especially as it sounds as though he doesnt even feel bad about it. He sounds like a twat. What is your relationship with him like now?

RabbityMcRabbit · 15/05/2020 19:37

Fucking hell, get rid of him, having a temper tantrum on the day you give birth is inexcusable. My ex used to do shit like this, it's because they want to make it all about them. I went into hospital when 6 months pregnant with DD2, I had bleeding and she hadn't moved. I was petrified. He accused me of being a drama queen. It was the beginning of the end for me, but it took another 3 years for me to leave

Hopeisnotastrategy · 15/05/2020 19:38

He’s horrid. Now’s a great time to start planning a brighter future. 💐

nanbread · 15/05/2020 19:39

Has he been a good, kind, not twatty husband since and was this massively out of character? If yes then I'd assume it was some kind of trauma response from him.

If no, well - no wonder you can't move on, you married a twat.

Samtsirch · 15/05/2020 19:50

Sounds like a grown up child who can’t deal with emotional distress, his or other people’s.
Whatever the underlying issue, it doesn’t sound as though he can support you in the way you deserve to be supported and cared for.
Is he like this in general, or just when things are too overwhelming for him to cope with?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 15/05/2020 19:52

LTB. He let you down when you needed him most. You can’t move on from this because it’s not something you should move on from. Move away from it and him before your child turns out like him.

Batshittery · 15/05/2020 19:54

How many years is several and how has he been since then?

Helpimfalling · 15/05/2020 19:55

You could have killed his puppy I don't care but there is no excuse for his behaviour ever.

I don't blame you for crying thinking about anyone in that situation makes me cry.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 15/05/2020 19:55

Did he ever apologise?

Even if he thinks he was in the right, he could still apologise for how he made you feel. Only an actual twat would refuse to show empathy for someone they supposedly loved. I would expect him to say he was sorry that you were upset and to show understanding that it was an incredibly stressful and horrible situation for you, and that he should have had a better handle on himself because his job was to support you.

But I doubt he would because as PP have said it sounds like it's all about him and he is incapable of empathy.

fuckoffImcounting · 15/05/2020 20:00

So sorry OP. This man is just a bad and selfish man and no one can save him from his miserable self. All your kindness and goodwill cannot save him.

HarderToBreath · 15/05/2020 20:16

I’m sorry, it sounds an awful experience. But, why, several years on are you still with him?
Do not ever accept an “I’m sorry I made you feel” apology as a pp suggested.

“The ubiquitous “I’m sorry you were offended” or “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt” are not really sincere apologies! In fact, they fall into what might be termed as the passive-aggressive category—you know the person is hurt, you know you did something to contribute to it, but you don’t really feel compelled to own it.” Look up gaslighting, this is it.
“What does it feel like to the person on the other side when the apology implies that they have a problem—they were the one who chose to be offended, they were the one with the weak feelings that got easily hurt, they were the one who misinterpreted your actions and interpreted them as hurtful?” - crap, quite frankly.
one of his usual anger outburst - this speaks volumes. He had anger outbursts before the birth, loving husbands/partners don’t. People may get cross or occasionally angry but I don’t think normal loving couples would describe them as outbursts. Having one on the day your son was born is not normal.

Why are you with him?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/05/2020 20:21

Maybe you did start it (I am guessing not though) but even if you did, I think when you've just had an emergency operation and your newborn is in an incubator is a time that most decent men would cut their other half a bit of slack not leave them to cope alone. He sounds an absolute horror. If you can't rely on your own partner when times are tough then what's the point?

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/05/2020 20:30

Has he ever apologised?
If he has not, then agree with previous posters.

But if he has, you need to move on.

It was a stressful situation for both of you and people very rarely behave perfectly when under stress. The trauma of your son being in an incubator would have deeply affected both of you as mother and father. He was probably trying to cope with his own feelings by distraction with the phone. You asking for comfort may have overwhelmed him so he ran away. Men are actually pretty fragile at times, they just hate showing it. So, yes, he reacted badly and should apologise but I think you need to recognise that it was a traumatic event for him as well as you.

Cocobean30 · 15/05/2020 20:39

What a prick, what is he like the rest of the time? Do you even want to be with him? (I wouldn’t)

Elieza · 15/05/2020 20:53

He sounds like a right prize. Is he that much of an arsehole now? If so time to ditch him!

After years though you do really need to move on.
It happened.
It’s over.

If you can’t stop punishing yourself by thinking about it for some reason go get some Skype or telephone counselling to help you.
You deserve to be happy and if this is making you sad it needs to go. Like the husband if he’s still making you sad? Are you sure there isn’t more to this than meets the eye? Is he really The One or are your doubts justified?

LittleMsM · 15/05/2020 21:26

Hi,

This doesn't sound ok, and I feel compelled to share my story too. I have had two children, the first a traumatic c-section with baby in incubation like you described. My husband went home after that first birth and watched porn - even though he lied about watching porn before we got married and since it was found out I asked him to stop watching porn, especially as he just watched free porn which exposes him to more female degrading porn without 'looking' for that. But, he seemed to have an addiction as such. I was really disappointed, but we worked past is then have second baby, planned c-section and again found out he was still watching porn, calmly asked him about it 5 days after c-section and he suddenly passed out -I tried to sit him up to help bring him round after his head fell back and felt something pull in my c-section scar, he then had to spend a couple of hours in hospital getting checked out as it was such a dramatic reaction - leaving me and my second newborn at home for a good while. I must say that while I wouldn't automatically have a problem with porn, we had mismatched libidos (me high, him low) and he lied about not watching it, before we married and it was only discovered whilst I was very tired and sleepy with my first.... and partly I didn't want him wasting his sexual drive on porn rather than engaging with me. But everytime it comes to the children's birthday's I'm reminded of how much he let me down. and the littlest turns 7 soon... So, wanted to know what other people thought of my situation and to let you know it might be an issue every birthday.... unless you can figure out a way past....or whether you should. My husband also often argues with me about seeing his parents - less so now, but inbetween babies, he was arguing with me about it and threw his slipper across the room, in my general direction..... but to all intents and purposes he's the good guy in public so I've never spoken to anyone about these things - because of the porn element... and I guess embaressment.

Any input greatly received.

Original poster

Maxigg · 15/05/2020 21:35

I think you’re all right. He is a twat, he gaslights next and to the point I have started to accept that it’s my fault. He has an anger issue, almost every 6 weeks he explodes at some point, for example I had a hysterectomy, during which time he had some work issues. When I was resting in bed 3 days post op, he started smashing up walls in a rage because of work. Too many things to write. He’s a narcissist and everyone thinks he’s charming. Professional, high earning etc. We’ve been married 20 years. Maybe it is time I pluck up the courage and start to move in my own direction with our 3 kids. Maybe I’m scared he will make my life hell.

OP posts:

Mummyshark2019 · 15/05/2020 21:40

Leave him. Seek legal advise to divorce.

KellyHall · 15/05/2020 21:42

It sounds like he already makes your life hell and it must be awful for your dc too. I'd be making serious plans to leave with your dc before they believe it's ok to either treat people this way or allow people to treat them this way.

Original poster

Maxigg · 15/05/2020 21:45

Yes, I guess he is still that much of an arsehole now. He has a foul temper and anger issue. Sadly I thought he was my one, we’ve been married for 20 years, and I’m at the point where each time he apologises, I believe it and think this time he might change and so the cycle goes on. Then because I’m living in a continuous numb state and scared he then loses it as I’m not attentive, and so the cycle goes on and on.

OP posts:

ECBC · 15/05/2020 21:49

You deserve better. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells. Start your plan and act on it. Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t change.

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