To hate it when people say 'Don't get stressed about what you can't control'

[IntoTheUnknown89]

Just this. I'm feeling stressed, frustrated and sad. Like lots are at the moment. I try to lean on him and that's what he comes out with!!

It's not a helpful thing to say to someone who's scared and upset but in general it's a good thing to live by.

I used to worry constantly and it had an awful impact on my mental health - sleepless nights, panic attacks, missing work - the lot. It was awful and had such a negative impact on my life.

Now I don't really worry much. I mean - it's natural to worry if, for example, a family member is diagnosed with cancer or someone is in hospital - but worrying about every little thing in life isn't normal or healthy.

I do also think that people who worry a lot often project it onto everything in their lives and it can become really draining for other people too. If someone is constantly worrying and fretting and panicking it can be quite frustrating.

Being in a constant state of worry and panic isn't healthy.

Actually just breathe is good advice it gives your hippocampus (the logic part of your brain) time to catch up with your Amygdala (your emotional reactive part of the brain) and it slows down your thinking, your blood pressure, your heart rate. It is proven to work in emergency services, trauma, mental health etc.

I think saying ‘don’t get stressed over what you can’t control‘ can be helpful if you look at it rationally, you can’t control it, so how can you change your reaction to it so that you don’t feel stressed?

I think the responses, ‘it is what it is and ah never mind‘ are ways of accepting that you can’t change the situation, only deal with it and many people deal with it by accepting things that are out of their control.

This is not the same as giving up or saying changes can’t be made.

Genuinely though what would be good responses to those people who are so stressed, is it because you feel these platitudes dismiss your worries? Would it be different if the cliche was preceded with I know and understand that you are worried but ....

I think there's a difference between "don't worry!" or "just put it out of your mind!" and your original quote, "Don't get stressed about what you can't control."

Not only is it about avoiding getting stuck in a rut of worrying as a habit for your brain, it's also about letting your brain focus on what you can control as a positive, useful thing. For instance, when my DF was dying of cancer, of course I cared about it and it would have been ridiculous for someone to say "just don't worry about it!", but I focused a lot instead on finding out what he wanted, how we could make his days better, what I could do to help the kids with it. Those all felt like positive actions I could control, rather than endlessly worrying about those scary, potentially overwhelming aspects I couldn't control (like his reception to treatment, his day to day health, his eventually death). The grief was still there, but it made it all much easier to live with and live through.

We have such an illusion of control in Western society, but it's often very helpful to realise how little we really have and look at those small (sometimes almost ludicrously small) things that we can have an effect on. Good luck, OP

I agree with Shoxfordian and moondust. I've been through divorce, both my kids have various worrying behaviours, my ex is unhelpful to say the least. I only worry about the kids because I know there are things out there to help then and I need to find out and do them. It's in my control. But my dad's poor health, whether I will have a job in 2 months, what TV the ex lets the kids watch, whether my students will do their bit of the 'teaching / learning' contract and get their grades (in normal times), I can't do anything about. I'm a committed atheist. I don't believe in fate, karma, some preordained plan or punishment / reward but I do think Buddhism is incredibly useful for reminding us that the root of suffering is fear of change, of loss. Accepting that those things are inevitable in almost all cases and not trying to cling on to people, relationships, things, etc helps enormously. There's a few books around with titles like 'how not to give a fuck' which are quite good. It doesn't mean I don't care about my dad's health or whatever, or that I won't be desperately sad when he dies, but he will and I know that and things are in place.

I completely disagree. Yes, it's maybe not what you want to hear, from your Dh, because often people, women especially don't want advice, don't want someone to fix it. They just want a cuddle and an assurance that it will be ok.

But men often don't have the emotional sensitivity to recognise that. And just go straight in with the fixing.

However. On a practical side, it is very very good advice. All mental health courses that big companies run, focus on this. And it is very true. You can't control things out of your control. And recognising that, and acknowledging what is in your control, is very sensible advice.

"I'm feeling stressed, frustrated and sad. Like lots are at the moment. I try to lean on him and that's what he comes out with!!"
People with normal concerns is fine. People who are over-anxious and always offload to those around them don't always realise that, in doing so, they often drown others with their negativity.

Maybe you should consider what he says? He is correct. While I realise it can be difficult to totally stop worrying, it isn't fair to drag our partners down with it. Don't destroy your partner's good mental health and resilience - make more effort to deal with coping with your anxieties. Practice mindfulness, have CBT, whatever you need to do.

You feel like saying "Well me! Why didn't I think of that? Cancel the therapist and throw out the anti depressants!"

It doesn't have to be one or the other, you know. Lots of people are on anti-depressants and work hard on directing and controlling their thoughts.

If your husband is saying this, is it possible that you are expressing your worries in a way that has a damaging effect on his mood?

I had to gently ask dd the other day to stop obsessing aloud about something to do with the pandemic because it was really stressing me out and remind her that her anxiety doesn't mean other people are invulnerable. She would agree that I am supportive, but her anxiety doesn't make me immune to stress either and sometimes I just need to be allowed to think about my own mental health.

Often it is about how you phrase it. I cope a lot better with "I'm feeling stressed mum, could we do x to calm me down?" than with half an hour about how she might have caught the corona in the queue to the pharmacy (I have underlying health issues so this was not a helpful thought to be planting in my mind however bad her anxiety is).

I do tend to worry a lot but my husband never does and that winds me up even more. Our jobs are meant to be secure but no guarntee, we are getting kicked out of our rented accommodation in less than 3 months and have nowhere to live. Our 3rd baby (unplanned) is due in 6weeks but all I get when I try to discus things is don't worry. He won't even discuss a plan for what happens if things don't just magically work out.

The reason people say it is because its true. Worrying and catastrophising about every damn thing - especially things you cant control is pointless. The entire crux of it is that you cant control others but you CAN control your reactions to them. You can find more functional ways of coping with situations you have no control over.

I'm sorry if it annoys you but its the truth. What would you prefer?- yes, worry about everything, we are all going to die and everything is fcking terrible?

I have a lot of work-related stress going on just now. The sort that keeps me awake through the night, can’t eat, cry at the drop of a hat stress. Not helped by the fact that we also have a five year old and a two year old to contend with whilst working.

My work is full on. Reactive. Stressful. Court deadlines etc. My husbands work is busy and difficult too but it’s not as reactive and full on as mine is. He absolutely does not get it.

If my husband says “you really need to change the way you think about work and stop worrying about it” one more time I swear I’m going to punch him.

Well, if you want to stay worried and just get support from others - but otherwise you need to learn to calm yourself physiologically (breathe) and train yourself to think like the non worriers. I think it's constructive.

Its an annoying phrase and quite direct but true. You can cause many health problems by worrying excessively over something you have no control over. Prepare as best you can, worry to some extent(as this is normal) and focus on the good in life. Your DH may have been blunt because it is actually quite draining to be around an anxious person. I think that anxious people get so wrapped up in their own anxiety that they dont even notice the affect they have on close family members.

When I’m worrying about things my husband says ‘ we’ll cross that bridge when it comes’.......NO!.....I want to think of every possible way of crossing the bridge now, not when it comes ffs

I think situationally it can be good advice, it's something I often remind myself of when I'm anxious about something outside of my control and it makes me feel better cause it reminds me that I'm under no obligation to fret.

I also think it's a little unfair to lean on someone who can do nothing about it, especially if they're going through the same thing. Not fretting about something may be their coping mechanism and it's not fair to force them to think on it for your own comfort.

That said, it's not a very useful thing to say to someone who is actively upset, better to wait until they've had a little cry or rant and are feeling calmer.

But if your feelings are dismissed every time that's not fair either. I know my husband does worry but instead of saying so he bottles it up and then losses his temper over something small (and I mean small like the cat meowing).
I think he'd be better off talking about it but I can't force him.

Reading some of the things about which posters on here get themselves wound up, I can actually understand others saying it to them! Pick your battles will probably upset them too,

‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ is another one. What is small to one person isn’t to another.

People with normal concerns is fine. People who are over-anxious and always offload to those around them don't always realise that, in doing so, they often drown others with their negativity.

This is my mother. She regularly lies awake at 3 am worrying about her four children, who are all well into adulthood, basically happy, with good health, good jobs, stable relationships, functional lives etc. And then she wonders why none of us ever tell her anything even that's even mildly worrying us, because she magnifies it all into some horror show, because she always thinks the worst will happen. I never told her about some worrying test results when I was pregnant, or my debilitating morning sickness, and my brother never told her about his wife's miscarriage etc, because in her mind, it would all immediately be magnified into a baby with some horrific life-limiting disability, or in the case of my brother, lifelong infertility and unhappiness.

It really doesn't help, knowing that the person you tell something to has within 20 seconds turned it into the worst case scenario, will brood endlessly about it for the foreseeable future, and and is praying desperately about it at 3 am.

While it is natural to worry about things that are out of your control, learning not to do that is the basic premise of many successful therapies and programs.

It is the fundamental building block of the AA and all related spin offs (Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous etc) These remain some of the most successful therapies around. The AA serenity prayer is exactly about this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

So, yes it is fucking annoying when someone says it is a flippant way which feels like they are shut trying to end the conversation (I fully empathize with your rage), there is still merit in the idea.

I find it very frustrating. If I could control something, I wouldn't be bloody worrying about it would I! That's the essence of why I'm worried !

People trapped in a war zone facing an airstrike can't control that. Would someone really tell them not to worry about it??

YANBU it’s too black and white. We’re human, it’s totally normal and understandable to be upset and stressed about things you can’t control.
I think lack of control is a perfectly good reason to be stressed!

Your DH is being unfair and unsympathetic. 'Don't worry about what you can't control ' should be an aim, not an instruction, and it's not easy to achieve if you have an over-active warning system in your head! But that doesn't mean you can't gradually dial down your excessive worrying if you work at it (through mindfulness or by using things like the worry tree upthread). I had a long phase of anxiety and panic attacks, but there are methods which really help.

People trapped in a war zone facing an airstrike can't control that. Would someone really tell them not to worry about it

Yes actually. Panicking in dangerous situations never leads to good decision making or logical action. That doesnt mean you cant be concerned about it, but running around like a headless chicken is not helping anyone in a life or death situation. To save your life in a precarious situation requires logical, calm action.

Put it this way- with whom would you rather be with in a catastrophic situation?

Person A- someone who is freaking out, shaking, panicking and telling everyone they will die

or

Person B- someone who is deeply concerned but calm, has a plan of action in mind and is motivating others that they'll be ok and making sensible choices to reduce risk and harm

I can see what posters are saying when they say they can understand the concept of it. I am currently in therapy to try and help deal with my anxiety.

I think that sometimes it just feels like a bit of a shut down the conversation response.

A few posters have said about anxiety being draining on others and how we should modify our behaviour for them? So, 24 hrs a day I should be mindful of how I come across in case it up skittles someone else? . I think you should be able to lean on your husband/wife/partner, else what is the point?

Obviously, I don't constantly fall into my DHs arms like a weeping willow but the few times I do, surely it would be nice if he offered a hug and an ear?

There was a poster that wrote that she asked her daughter to stop worrying as obviously to her as it was affecting her anxiety. I find that a smidge worrying. This situation is incredibly worrying to children as they don't have the same tools or knowledge as us to deal with stuff.

Plenty of my friends kids have had sleep issues since this has been going on and they have allowed them to sleep in their room with them. My 3 1/2 year old has had a few episodes herself as she doesn't get why she can't follow her normal routine and if she needs to talk to me at 3am then so be it.

I don't think it's necessarily our "job" so prop up partners emotionally but it definitely is with our kids. They need us right now. I've read of kids killing themselves in their rooms during this time. Maybe they felt like they couldn't talk to their parents or were told "stop worrying" You don't know do you?