To hate it when people say 'Don't get stressed about what you can't control'

[IntoTheUnknown89]

Just this. I'm feeling stressed, frustrated and sad. Like lots are at the moment. I try to lean on him and that's what he comes out with!!

My husband keeps saying this. Or stop worrying things will be okay. It really really annoys me. Obviously if I could stop worrying I would. Makes me want to scream!

I understand OP, it's just feels so unhelpful and dismissive. Another one I detest is when people tell you to 'breathe' (or even worse, 'breath'!). Well yes, of course I'm fucking breathing, I'd be bloody well dead if I wasn't.

Yes, just breathe is annoying.

I can understand trying to redirect or distract but just stop altogether seems wrong and/or impossible! Maybe if you were really drunk??

Or when people say: "just put it out of your mind".

Breathing helps me so much and meditation. Started when I was going through cancer treatment. Meditation helps me and if I do get stressed I can deal with it.

It can sound dismissive and insensitive, I think it depends if whoever is saying it expresses any empathy with you. I think it's pretty normal to worry about things even if we can't change them but it is a waste of energy so it's still a good suggestion. Worrying about things you have no control over is draining, it's taken me years to train myself not to dwell on things I can't change.
I wish I'd worried more is rarely a regret because the things we fear so rarely happen.

@HilaryBriss

Great username 😊

It can sound dismissive, but it’s essentially a basic principle of Buddhism, mindfulness etc.

Things happen, and we resist them or attach a narrative to it. More suffering comes from the lack of acceptance or the narrative than the actual situation.

@flashbac has it.

You're addicted to worrying. You can wean yourself off!

Try the power of now by eckhart tolle.

Don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. Does that work any better!!??

I don't worry about anything. It's just not how my brain works. Not worrying about things you can't change is one of my beliefs as well tbh, either change the thing you're worried about if you can or if not then you have to accept it.

A million times yes. I’ve been dealing with anxiety lately regarding my degree, and ended up in floods of tears yesterday just for dp to say “There’s no point stressing”. I know he means well, but really?! There is a bloody good reason to stress!

My DH says stuff like this but to some degree he has a point.

I over worry IMO and it results in negative reactions which have an adverse impact on other people.

For example I worry that my dcs don’t get enough exercise and I get too cross and wound up if they don’t get enough.

Whereas I could find other ways to deal with it.

So for me, it’s how I let the worry impact on others.

I disagree - I did CBT years ago to help me learn this lesson. Worrying can be useful when it provokes you into taking action and making preparations. At the point when you have done all you can to prepare the worrying just serves to exhaust you and eventually burns you out. You can learn to reduce that anxiety but it isn’t easy.

Maybe that is why people feel cross about this advice though, they just don’t believe it is possible to take more control over their own anxiety and feeling helpless in the face of it makes them angry.

Breathing has proven to work, the SAS use box breathing to reduce stress. Empathy is nice but you need to find a way to control internal stress whatever way works for you.

time-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/time.com/4316151/breathing-technique-navy-seal-calm-focused/?amp_js_v=a3&amp_gsa=1&amp=true&usqp=mq331AQFKAGwASA%3D#aoh=15895218692260&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Ftime.com%2F4316151%2Fbreathing-technique-navy-seal-calm-focused%2F

But surely people that don't worry are missing something electrically speaking? I don't mean that in an offensive way. One of the first things we feel is fear. Is a natural, normal, helpful response. Aren't fear and worry the same kind of thing?

I'm glad you aren't a doctor. People who can keep things in perspective and manage without spiralling into anxiety are "missing something"? Cheers, thanks for that insulting statement, and yes, it was meant to be said offensively. If you didn't realise how offensive it is you wouldn't have qualified it. That's like saying "With respect" when you actually mean that you have no respect at all for something or someone.

I don't worry. If I can change, or otherwise do something, about a thing that I am faced with, then I do. If I can't, I certainly acknowledge it and accept that I can't, then I move on. That is a quite normal and acceptable human response. It may not be the same as yours, but that doesn't mean I am "missing something".

Perhaps if you are worrying so much, you should do something about it? The fact that lots of people might be worrying doesn't make it healthy or "normal". That is why professionals in mental health are worried about the impacts of this situation on mental health in the longer term. Even if it is not necessarily bad enough to need medical help, there are lots of online resources, many free to access, that can help you.

Many people do not realise that the physical impacts of worrying can seriously damage your physical health.

You feel like saying "Well me! Why didn't I think of that? Cancel the therapist and throw out the anti depressants!"

Have you been though therapy, OP? One of the key things I learned from therapy is about identifying whether what I was worrying about was something I could control (and if so - do something to control it, like PP’s making plans for when her father deteriorated) or something I couldn’t control, in which case the anxiety served no useful purpose so to use techniques I learned to let the worry go. Like ‘just breathing’, or mindfulness - meditation/yoga/mindful activities (crafts, gardening etc) etc being present in the moment is a massive stress reliever for me.

Have attached the image of ‘The Worry Tree’ which was introduced to me years ago by a CBT therapist, and honestly when I first saw it I thought, ‘well that’s a load of wank what I’m supposed to just stop worrying‘ (kind of like you are now), but actually following the things I learned in therapy has enabled me to put it into real-life practice, and I still use it now to check-in with what’s on my mind. The concept is a game changer for me. Now I mostly control my anxieties rather than them controlling me.

Yes! I told my step sister I has an itchy ear last week (always the sign of a cold coming on) she said "stop stressing!" I wasn't, I was just saying.
She also says to me " stop stressing" and "there's no point getting stressed"

I'm not generally a stressy person but she's got me thinking I am now. Then again I think she's the one who's stressed a lot and tries to put it onto you.

Completely agree, we feel what we feel and someone telling us not to is no help at all.

I think learning this lesson is actually essential but it’s how you put it into practice.

E.g I’ve always been a worrier so when I feel like it’s getting on top of me I write a list of all the things that are worrying me and then write a list of actions I can take to improve the situation.

Just getting the worries out of my head and written down helps and if I can cross of any actions of the worries I can do something about then I feel more in control.

Some worries I can’t do anything about, they stay on the paper but I try not to put my energy into them because it’s unproductive when I can focus that energy on worries I can help

DH often says there's no point thinking about the 'what ifs' but I disagree

When I had therapy for anxiety, part of my recovery was to address the “what ifs”

Eg. We were worried about husband facing possible redundancy so we sat down and addressed all the “what ifs” surrounding that and put a plan in place. We didn’t need the plan in the end but it stopped me constantly worrying

I completely agree. My DH does this. "Don't worry!" Oh ok, thanks, I hadn't thought of that!

Tools like the worry tree and other techniques are great but I feel like that's not what's meant when people do tell you not to worry.

I know it comes from a good place but... grrrr

It's not what you want to hear yet it is the most appropriate and correct statement. It's the basis of mindfulness.

Maybe you could consider trying mindfulness, tell your oh and tell him that in the meantime, it would help you more if he just gave you a cuddle.

It’s not a helpful thing to say but it’s a helpful thing to try and live by. Sometimes people need reminding that you can’t control it and that is also helpful!

The most helpful advice I got from mindfulness was to imagine sitting by a raging river. All you worries are the the water that passes through. They come down, pass you and are then gone. You are however an observer to it, you're not in the water. You accept your worries, they are there, but all you do is observe them passing you by rather than throw yourself in the water and let them carry you down.

I've tried that exercise a number of times and with practice have really find it helpful.

Yes and no. Sometimes you need someone to listen to the fact you're worried, to validate your feelings, to help you process stuff. That's all really important. But once you've done that you hit the point where it's helpful to give yourself permission to have a break, even if it doesn't stop the worry.