To hate it when people say 'Don't get stressed about what you can't control'

[IntoTheUnknown89]

Just this. I'm feeling stressed, frustrated and sad. Like lots are at the moment. I try to lean on him and that's what he comes out with!!

[Gran22]

Hotwaterbottlelove that saying from the AA is spot on. As an older person, I realise that there is little point in using my diminishing brain cells even thinking about issues outwith my control.

I reserve my concerns for day to day living, my family and friends. If I can make a difference I will try to help. But constant negativity of thought, unnecessary fears are wearing on our own wellbeing, and on those we live with.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

I've read of kids killing themselves in their rooms during this time. Maybe they felt like they couldn't talk to their parents or were told "stop worrying" You don't know do you

I'm sorry but I dont like this insinuation. You are basically saying if your kid kills themselves its your fault. Firstly, suicide isnt as simple as that- plenty of parents HAVE talked to their kids extensively, they've sought therapy and it has still sadly happened.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, that requires a combination of meds and therapy. Most parents arent qualified to dole out therapy to their kids. I agree parents should listen to their kids but I work in mental health and have had parents tell me that they begged their kids to talk to them and they couldn't open up. That does not mean it was their fault. The reasons for suicide are multiple and complex. Its not as simple as just not saying "stop worrying".

[Sparklingbrook]

Person B- someone who is deeply concerned but calm, has a plan of action in mind and is motivating others that they'll be ok and making sensible choices to reduce risk and harm

I would love to be that person but there isn't always a plan of action. That's where the worry comes from. And it's difficult to motivate others that they'll be ok when they may not be.

[IntoTheUnknown89]

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter I said what I said as a someone who has experience. I have suffered with mental health problems since I was 12. Was it my parents fault? No. Could they have been more helpful? Yes. Parents can offer to listen but if all they say is "don't worry about it" or if a parent says to a kid "Just ignore that bully". It's going to have an impact.

Of course I'm not saying it's their fault! I'm not an insensitive bitch. Suicide numbers have been up. Fact. Sometimes parents l, even the most well meaning one's, can be dismissive. I never once mentioned blame. Stop looking to cause friction.

[IntoTheUnknown89]

@Sparklingbrook I would love to be that person but there isn't always a plan of action. That's where the worry comes from. And it's difficult to motivate others that they'll be ok when they may not be.

^^ THIS ^^

[maria860]

My partner says this a lot is it a man thing ? I hate it too then I can't offload what I'm stressed about as I get this unhelpful response.

[maria860]

I think I worry to protect myself, so that if the worry ever actually happens

I do this too

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

That's my H's helpful advice too. "Don't worry, worrying doesn't help." It makes me want to scream.

[Sparklingbrook]

I had some counselling a few years ago. She said that people that worry/are anxious are always looking for something to hang that worry/anxiety on.
I think that's true of me TBH. I need to worry, I need to prepare for what might happen.

[vanillandhoney]

People trapped in a war zone facing an airstrike can't control that. Would someone really tell them not to worry about it??

I find that kind of comparison quite offensive. These people are at immediate risk of death, injury and homelessness. That's exactly the kind of situation where worry and fear and upset is totally valid.

People who worry and fret about absolutely every little thing in life shouldn't be compared to people in a bloody war zone.

[Vellum]

Parents can offer to listen but if all they say is "don't worry about it" or if a parent says to a kid "Just ignore that bully". It's going to have an impact.

Well, do you think a catastrophising, permanently-anxious parent is any better? I grew up with one of those, and all it does is means you never tell them anything, because it ends up being magnified into a worst-case scenario and fuelling the parent's own angst. If you are visibly fizzing with unmanaged anxiety a significant amount of the time, do you honestly think this is a good thing to model for your children?

A few posters have said about anxiety being draining on others and how we should modify our behaviour for them? So, 24 hrs a day I should be mindful of how I come across in case it up skittles someone else? hmm. I think you should be able to lean on your husband/wife/partner, else what is the point?

The point is that you take responsibility for managing your own anxiety, and don't regard that as tiptoeing around other people. You say yourself, quite rightly, that our children need us at the moment -- part of being a parent is managing your own mental health so that it doesn't have an adverse impact on your family.

[maria860]

My best friend had breast cancer at 28 she's 35 now she still leans on me so much thinking the cancer is back or a pain is the cancer.
I wouldn't tell her to not worry as she can't control it. I always try to discuss her main worries and if it is back we will cross that and deal with it I always discuss other things the pain could be and what she can do to help take her mind off things.
I think saying that comment to her would be very unhelpful I prefer reassurance then discussing worst case scenarios and how to deal with those if it happens.

[maria860]

@Sparklingbrook I've worried since a child I often 99% of the time keep my worries to myself sometimes I will discuss them if I feel very bad about it but not always. I also feel myself being a worrier is a comfort blanket to protect myself if the worst happens.
I completely get you.

[Vellum]

I also feel myself being a worrier is a comfort blanket to protect myself if the worst happens.

I completely get that, in part because I grew up with a parent who lives her life by that, but the thing is that it's a completely false belief that decimates your quality of life while you cling to it.

[Oblomov20]

Here is the course notes from the MH course Dh went on:


There's a brutal truth in life that some people refuse to accept: You have no control over many of the things that happen in your life.
Some people who resist this truth become control freaks. They micromanage, refuse to delegate tasks, and try to force other people to change. They think if they can gain enough control over other people and the situations they find themselves in, they can prevent bad things from happening.
Others know they can't prevent bad things from happening, but they worry about them anyway. They fret about everything from natural disasters to deadly diseases. Their worries keep them occupied, but ultimately they waste their time and energy, because worrying doesn't do any good.
If you find yourself wasting time worrying about things you can't control, here are six things that can help:
1. Determine what you can control.
When you find yourself worrying, take a minute to examine the things you have control over. You can't prevent a storm from coming, but you can prepare for it. You can't control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you react.
Recognize that, sometimes, all you can control is your effort and your attitude. When you put your energy into the things you can control, you'll be much more effective.
2. Focus on your influence.
You can influence people and circumstances, but you can't force things to go your way. So while you can give your child the tools he needs to get good grades, for example, you can't make him get a 4.0 GPA. And while you can plan a good party, you can't make people have fun.
To have the most influence, focus on changing your behavior. Be a good role model and set healthy boundaries for yourself. When you have concerns about someone else's choices, share your opinion, but only share it once. Don't try to fix people who don't want to be fixed.
3. Identify your fears.
Ask yourself what you are afraid will happen: Are you predicting a catastrophic outcome? Do you doubt your ability to cope with disappointment? Usually, the worst-case scenario isn't as tragic as you might envision. There's a good chance you're stronger than you think.
But sometimes people are so busy thinking things like "I can't allow my business to fail" that they don't take the time to ask themselves, "What would I do if my business failed?" Acknowledging that you can handle the worst-case scenario can help you put your energy into more productive exercises.
4. Differentiate between ruminating and problem-solving.
Replaying conversations in your head or imagining catastrophic outcomes over and over again isn't helpful. But solving a problem is.
Ask yourself whether your thinking is productive. If you are actively solving a problem, such as by trying to find ways to increase your chances of success, keep working on solutions.
If, however, you're wasting your time ruminating, change the channel in your brain. Acknowledge that your thoughts aren't helpful, and get up and go do something else for a few minutes to get your brain focused on something more productive.
5. Create a plan to manage your stressss.*
Exercising, eating healthy, and getting plenty of sleep are just a few key things you need to do to take care of yourself. You also have to make time to manage your stress so you can operate more efficiently.
Find healthy stress relievers, like meditationn, an engaging hobby, or time with friends. Pay attentionn to your stress level, and notice how you cope with distress. Eliminate unhealthy coping skills like complaining to others or drinking too much.
6. Develop healthy affirmations.
I have two phrases I use to remind myself to either take action or calm down. The first is, Make it happen. Whenever I catch myself saying something like, "I hope I do OK today," I remind myself, "Make it happen." It reminds me that I'm in control of my actions.
Then, when I find myself thinking about something I have no control over, like, "I hope it doesn't rain on Saturday," I tell myself, I can handle it. Those quick little phrases I have on hand keep me from wasting my time on things I can't control. I'll either do what I can to make it happen or deal with the things I have no control over.
Develop a few healthy mantras that will keep you mentally strongg. Those sayings will help you combat self-doubt, catastrophic predictions, and endless rumination.

[CarolefeckinBaskin]

Yanbu if that's how you feel.
However many years of CBT/ Counselling have made me see that it's true for me.
If I have no control over it is pointless worrying and stressing over.

[3rdNamechange]

@Shoxfordian you're very lucky not to worry about things.
I'm not a massive worrier but if I do my partner says , ' don't think about it '. How can you NOT think about something?

[Aus84]

But surely people that don't worry are missing something electrically speaking? I don't mean that in an offensive way. One of the first things we feel is fear. Is a natural, normal, helpful response. Aren't fear and worry the same kind of thing?

Or those who worry a lot are missing something - ie perspective.

I'm not talking about a PP's example of her mothers cancer. Or someone who's lost their job and worries about how they can feed their children. It would be horrible if someone told them not to worry about that.

I'm talking about people like my husband who literally lay awake a night worrying about things that really aren't the end of the world. He has anxiety and sees a psychologist who teaches him mindfulness and how to let go of the worry. He is literally told by a qualified professional to not get stressed about what he can't control.

[Vellum]

I'm not a massive worrier but if I do my partner says , ' don't think about it '. How can you NOT think about it?

Some people are extremely good at compartmentalising. I envy it as a life skill!

My husband has huge numbers of major work stresses at the moment he's in an industry which has completely closed down because of the pandemic, and because of the specific nature of it (involving big mass gatherings), is unlikely to bring in any revenue at all until at least 2021, and he's in a very new job with a staff of 200 he's trying to keep employed after the government subsidy runs out in the near future and we also have a number of significant personal issues at the moment.

But he is able to say 'I will think about these things again in the morning' and just turn over and fall asleep. It's mental discipline in his case, rather than unfeelingness.

[HangryChip]

YANBU. It's what drove me and my mum apart because she always said "don't think about it" which made me feel so minimised since I was a teenager.

It's true for some things like climate change, social inequality etc. You could ponder it but then have to put it aside. But real personal problems DO arise from exogeneous circumstances with huge impacts (your relationships, financial, work, physical or mental health...) do need to be resolved not shelved! And sometimes worrying is the first step to even preventing those problems down the line.

[Lillyhatesjaz]

My motto is hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
I am a bit of a worrier and my DH can also minimise worries but I have realised that if something really stressful actually happens I am often better at dealing with it than he is.

[NoMorePoliticsPlease]

You are being hard on him. People say this to try and reduce levels of worry. It is actually a skill prioritising worry. Never mind does sound a bit dismissive but letting worries spiral instead of managing them is not exactly a strategy. Lack of control is awful, once you can bring one thing into control youu do feel better. Or do you actuallyy just want him to hear and understand your worries without trying to help? I know I do , I just need an ear. Selecting the right ear is often a skill

[oldwhyno]

Have you got an effective alternative for problems you can't control, than trying not to get stressed about them?

[BogRollBOGOF]

You don't have to be "worried" or "fearful" to care.

I have various concerns that I acknowledge but am not in a position to action. I know of people connecred to those I love in carehomes. I can take no action, I acknowledge the concern, but there is no benefit to losing sleep worrying about it.

I am concerned about DS, returning to school, applying for an EHCP and secondary school applications. I can not take action yet, so the concerns are acknowledged until an appropriate time for action.

I once had to go through a very tedious family conversation about what to do in the abstract, near hypothetical death of MiL in another country. Fair play, she's in her 80s so has a limited number of decades left, however spending over an hour of circular conversation about the final details of travel arrangements and the DCs seeing her laid out was frankly ridiculous. MiL is in sound health with no imminent concern. My decision on the DCs would depend very much on how old the DCs are at that point. Travel arrangements cannot be made years ahead of plane and ferry schedules. Fretting over the finer points of travelling to another country was totally hypothetical and pointless. I finally managed to kill the conversation by asking why it was so critical that a funeral must be held within 48 hours, and couldn't DH and BiL just ask their siblings to arrange a funeral around the practicalities that emerge at the time of the event occuring. That's all the plan that can be made at this point and anything else is a waste of mental load and energy.

Worrying itself achieves nothing. Do what is viable. Acknowledge it and give it an appropriate amount of thought and concern.

[lazylinguist]

I think I worry to protect myself, so that if the worry ever actually happens.

Yes but you could worry about 500 different things, and then the thing/crisis that actually ends up happening might be none of those things! You can't prepare for every eventuality. Plus worrying isn't really the same as preparing. Preparing is focused, practical and useful. Worrying usually isn't.